Razzies win again! We are now 8-1, absolutely tearing up the competition.

What the fuck is up with NASCAR? It ruined my morning.

I was trying to catch some of yesterday's great plays on SportsCenter this morning and all of a sudden they switch from Raiders-Chiefs highlights and Dick Vermeil crying about Trent Green's dad to choice moments from the Dickies 500 or some shit like that. There weren't even any crashes, just some examples of pro-level passing. Why is this the fastest growing sport in America? 200,000 people show up to these shitty car races, and they don't even give out free cigarettes since it's not the "Winston Cup" anymore. Yet, I don't understand the appeal. A bunch of Oakley-wearing rednecks driving souped-up, Viagra-ad-plastered Hondas and Toyotas in a circle for five hours does nothing for me. Especially since all the drivers have a skeezy, sex-offender-y look about them. Case in point: Dale, Jr., who combines all the best attributes of Kevin Federline (arrogant yet vacant smirk, stupid hat) and Jeffrey Dahmer (beady little serial killer eyes, blonde eyebrows).



NASCAR is only cool when there's a big crash, but when that happens everyone acts all relieved if these morons don't die, so they can get out and drive again. I think NASCAR deaths should be celebrated as natural selection in action, since anyone stupid enough to be involved in this sport ought to omitted from the pool of DNA contributing to the evolution of humanity.

Get back to football, Stuart Scott, please go back to football! Ah, yes, a montage of Donovan and T.O. bitching about each other. I feel better now.

This are the Razzies' rankings in the league going into week 9:

Record: 7-1-0 (W7)
Coach Rating: 94 (1st)
Passing Rank: 11th
Rushing Rank: 3rd
Defense/ST Rank: 1st

Although my receiver corps leaves something to be desired, but note the most important stat: "Coach rating."

I rule the Columbia Ballers league.

The luck of the Razzies just keeps on rolling.

Last week I thought for sure that I would lose on account of the fact that all my studs either had a bye or were injured. As it turns out, the Razzies won regardless.

This week, we're playing the Grassy Knoll Snipers, who fixed their lineup so that it's legal, and boasts T.O. as their premier player. In case you've been living in a cave, T.O. has been suspended indefinitely because he opened up his big, fat mouth and bitched about Donovan and the Eagles organization. T.O. seems to forget that the Eagles made it all the way to the Super Bowl without him last year (he was injured throughout the playoffs), and then once he returned, they LOST (although T.O. bitched about that too, and blamed McNabb as well).

In any event, all the players that everyone snapped up first in the draft are either injured (Culpepper), underperforming (Moss), or having too much attitude to be any fantasy value (T.O.). Consequently, the Razzies continue to dominate.

I know the Razzies kick ass, but come ON people...don't just forfeit!

This week I was surprised to see that I was favored to beat the Grassy Knoll Snipers by 93 points. I know the Razzies are amazing and coming off a seven game winning streak (yes, we managed to pull off the win against Marauding Mings despite my shitty bye week lineup last week), but that seemed a bit extreme.

Turns out, Grassy Knoll Snipers just executed a trade with Catman's Billers, and now has an illegal lineup. I beat the Tight Ends in week 3 due to illegal roster forfeiture, but I don't play Fantasy Football to win because people are lazy/scared/intimidated by the unstoppable tidal wave of destruction that is the Razzies and quit before the game even starts.

Jeez, you pussies, show a little backbone, will ya?!

The Razzies are having a bad week.

The Seahawks, Jets, and Colts have a bye, so Matt Hasselbeck, Edgerrin James, Laveranues Coles, and Colts D/ST are unavailable this week. And Torry Holt is injured and will not play. That means I'm out my relatively consistent QB, my ultimate stud RB, two WRs, and my rockstar defense. Their replacements are problematic, to say the least. My active roster this week is causing me some serious agony that has nothing to do with my post-naked-at-a-Halloween-party-with-a-bottle-of-Jack-Daniels hangover.

1. QB CONTROVERSY
Chris Simms (TB) or Kelly Holcomb (BUF)
While the Bucs are playing the Niners, and should destroy them because the Niners are leading the competition (Texans, Packers, Cardinals, Vikes) for being the suckiest team in the NFL this year, this is only Simms' third NFL start. And he probably won't rack up the passing yards because he'll hand it off a lot to Cadillac Williams. However, Jon Gruden made some cryptic remarks about not counting on just one quarterback this season, and the Bucs just picked up Tim Rattay, so I worry that if Simms might not finish the game, especially if he sucks.
Kelly Holcomb, on the other hand, threw two TDs last week since he replaced J.P. Lost-man. The Bills are playing the Pats, though, and if Kelly Holcomb gets sacked or hurried too much, he falls apart and starts throwing interceptions.
Right now I have Chris Simms starting, because I like the Bucs-Niners matchup better than the Bills-Patriots, but I'm going to be really pissed if Kelly Holcomb throws for 250 yds and two TDs.

2. RUNNING BACK
I'm counting on Willie Parker to have one of his rare awesome weeks. As much as I hate to wish bad things upon Jerome Bettis because I love him, I hope he twists his ankle and has to sit out this week so Parker can take all the carries for the Steelers. He's no Edgerrin James, but then again, who is?

3. WIDE OPEN AT WIDEOUT
The WR situation this year is grim for everyone, as there just isn't a plethora of badass receivers this year. I wouldn't be so worried about not having Laveranues Coles if Torry Holt was okay. But he's fucked until week 10, and the Rams are pretty much fucked every which way no matter how you look at it (Martz's smug ass has a deadly bacterial infection, Marc Bulger's hurt, Isaac Bruce is hurt, etc.), so this has major long-term ramifications for the Razzies' continued dominance. I picked up Ashley Lelie (DEN) and activated the perenially mediocre Derrick Mason (BAL). I predict ten points combined with these two, and that's a generous estimate.

4. D/ST
At least there's one bright spot: I have the Cowboys D/ST, and the Cowboys D should do a decent job keeping the pathetic Arizona offense in check.

I'm playing the Marauding Mings, who are 2-5 so far this season (as compared to the Razzies' amazing 6-1 record). Normally the Razzies leave their opponents in smoldering ruins. NFL.com was favoring the MM's to beat us by 25 points this week. This is painful.

What the fuck?! On game day, the NFL is now reporting that Torry Holt has been downgraded to questionable, and might not play against the Katrina Refugees. I mean, the New Orleans Saints.

Anyway, that means I have to start Derrick Mason, and that this is this week's lineup:
QB-Matt Hasselbeck
RB-Domanick Davis
RB-Edgerrin James
WR-Lavaranues Coles
WR-Derrick Mason
TE-Todd Heap
K-Neil Rackers
D/ST-Colts

Have you ever seen a more mediocre receiver corps in your life?

It's a good thing I'm playing "Crappy Team 2" this week. They're record is 1-5, and they are living up to their hyped name.

The Razzies are 5-1, and though last week we took the divisional lead away from Dick of a Unicorn, Dick would be in a position to regain the lead if they win this week. I cannot have that under any circumstances. I should never speak too soon or too gloatingly, but I have a good feeling about the Razzies this week, despite the fact that sorry-ass Laveranues and Derrick will probably combine for a whopping 5 points.

Damn, just as soon as I posted that, Ty Law intercepted a Kelly Holcomb pass and Curtis Martin just scored a TD. That shows how much I know.

It also makes me happy. Now hope has sprung fresh that Laveranues Coles might help Testaverde complete a pass in the end zone. He better, because as of now, the Razzies are trailing the team formerly known as Catman's Bills, now called Catman's Killers. I guess that Geoff realized that naming your team after the Bills is not so intimidating. At best, they'll just lose in the Columbia Ballers Super Bowl, as tradition would dictate. So now it's "Killers", and they're beating me 41-17. However, I still have Matt Hasselbeck, Torry Holt, Domanick Davis, Edgerrin James, and the Colts DST yet to play. Catman's Killers can only boast putting WR Kerry Curtis and the Seahawks DST against me. I was favored to win this game by 38 points going into it. Needless to say, I ain't skeered.

The Jets' rookie kicker's last name is Nugent. If I were him I'd insist that the stadium blast "Cat Scratch Fever" every time the field goal unit comes out.

Sadly, the resemblance of the kicker's name to Motor City Madman/bowhunting enthusiast Ted Nugent is the awesomest thing going for the Jets right now. Testaverde has been sacked 3 times and completed only two pathetic passes for 17 meager yards, and it's down to the 2-minute warning of the first half. Curtis Martin had one long rush for 49 yds, but otherwise hasn't broken through the Bills' defense. While the Razzies' perpetually tepid wide receiver Laveranues Coles did catch Testaverde's two completed passes, it hasn't been enough for the Jets to even get in field goal range. You know that it's rough times when Kelly Holcomb and the Bills kick your ass.