Saturday, December 31, 2005
Fergie pissed her pants. End of story.
The Black Eyed Pea who garners the vast majority of my loathing is the odious Fergie. When the Black Eyed Peas didn't sell very many of their first few albums, they decided that they needed a talentless piece of ass with a penchant for capri-length (but generously cut), plaid, old-man pants to get people interested in them. Enter Fergie, who was thus resurrected from her previous career on the cast of "Kids:Incorporated" and a horrendous early-90s girl group called Wild Orchid (not to be confused with the fine Mickey Rourke film of the same name), had massive faciocranial plastic surgery and a tit job to make her look like a drag queen, and fake'n'baked her skin to the tone and consistency of a dried apricot. Suddenly, every time I turn on the radio I'm being tortured by one of the Black Eyed Peas's nightmarish symphonies of the spuriously multicultural damned.
Anyway, I was delighted to read over the summer that Fergie is a drunken idiot and pissed her pants while performing in California. Last night, I got into a big argument with J-Sexy and Neo, who are staunch Fergie apologists and are convinced that this is sweat. This debate has been going on ever since August, when I dug up these photos from some of the gossip whore websites I frequent. So let's play name that excretion, is it urine or twat sweat? You be the judge:
And in case you're not sure:
THIS IS URINE, PEOPLE. The alternative explanation, that this is a sweat stain, is not plausible. For one thing, if she's worked up a crotch sweat because of her presumably vigorous stage routine, why doesn't she have equivalent stains on her armpits, or under those synthetic jugs of hers? Why does no other part of her body appear sweaty? BECAUSE IT'S PISS. For another thing, I've been a chick all my life and never once have I had to worry about the problem of copious vagina sweat. Nor have any of my female friends ever complained of this, and I went to a fucking women's college. If pussy perspiration was something that happens, believe me, I would have heard bitches whining about it at Smith. You wouldn't believe the kinds of disgusting female shit I heard about there. I will ultimately defer to Occam's razor, the principle that "given two equally predictive theories, choose the simplest." Thus, I have just scientifically proven that Fergie pissed herself.
Since J-Sexy and Neo are scientists themselves, I don't see how they can argue that this isn't piss when confronted with my impeccable logic. Still, both continue to defend Fergie because they think she's "hot," and shouldn't have to put up with "haters" like me. In fact, I might just be jealous. Because I'm often jealous of tanorexic trannies with bladder control problems. It's a burden I've learned to bear.
Mal.......
: 4/14/2006 7:24 PM http://journals.aol.co.uk/acoward15/andy-the-bastard/
: 2/13/2007 1:39 PM Links to this post:
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