RazzyBlog

Seriously, the similarities are uncanny:

1. Short, stocky stature: Too $hort is so named because he isn't exactly the tallest man in Oakland, California. Thus young Todd Shaw decided not to pursue a career in basketball, deciding instead to focus his game on a different variety of balling altogether. Chingy! is similarly not suited for herding, guarding, rescue, retrieving, or any other useful dog job, so he focuses his very limited energies on being a total asshole. According to the American Kennel Club's breed standard, a Pug's "symmetry and general appearance should be decidedly square and cobby." According to his measurements, Chingy! is a prize Pug, and so, apparently, is Too $hort.

2. General appearance:

3. Complete and total lack of respect for women: Too $hort has made his millions and thus earned the dollar sign by which he begins his name by pimping hos on the tough streets of Oakland. The key to being a successful pimp is not letting the women think they're all that by behaving toward them in the most demeaning manner possible. This includes referring to them constantly as "ho" and "bee-yotch," (in fact, Too $hort invented that pronunciation) and never under any circumstances validating their opinions or sexually satisfying them, or "when I'm through fuckin, bitches leavin with nothin." I don't really understand why women are falling all over themselves to sleep with him despite him "tell(ing) a bitch real quick, I ain't no Tootsie Roll. All you good for is some head and some pussy, ho." Then again, I'm not an East Oakland player, and I wasn't born to mack, so I'll just have to stick this alongside three-dimensional vector calculus and the popularity of Jennifer Lopez's music on my list of things I just don't get. Anyway, regarding ladies, Chingy! has the soul of a man who is "just tryin to fuck a bitch, fuck tryin' to charm her." When he sees Ming, a Pug bitch who lives in our building, he immediately sticks his face directly into her crotch, lifting her back legs off the ground with the aggressiveness of his pussy sniffing. Ming always tries to retreat, in vain. Chingy! never lets her get away, and since he is bigger, he muscles her into submission and sticks his hindquarters in her frightened little Puggy face. Fortunately for Ming, I never allow Chingy! to bust nuts all in her face, and reprimand him with a sharp jerk on the leash. Leash-jerking always causes Chingy! to turn around and glare at me with a look that plainly says "Bee-yotch!"

4. Penchant for fellatio: In the pantheon of possible sexual acts, Too $hort's clear favorite is receiving oral from a slutty ho. His ideal woman is one who "blows more head than a whale blows water." Whereas there's a distinct shortage of slutty dog-hos available for Chingy! to conscript into performing oral sex on him, he still manages to get brain on the regular...from himself. When Chingy! isn't sleeping or eating or searching for the ideal spot on the wrought iron fences at St. Nick park to shit, he's usually trying to contort his Rubenesque body to get his snaggly little doggy mouth in close proximity to his weiner. I'm pretty sure Too $hort would do the same thing if he could.

5. Ejaculates in inappropriate places: In probably his most famous song of all time, Too $hort describes how he caused the demise of an unfortunate albeit incredibly promiscuous woman named Elizabeth (Betty for short) when she choked on his semen. Much as the windpipe of a diseased teenage prostitute is an inappropriate place for $hort Dog to bust a nut, so is the fucking floor of my apartment, but that's just what Chingy! did one time before he got castrated. I was living with LL Cool Jew at the time, and we were sitting around watching some trashy reality TV or whatever, and the next thing I know, Chingy!'s dick is out and it's all engorged and *revolting*, kind of like a hot dog that's blown up in the microwave. On the floor in front of him is a spatter of liquid that appears to be semen, based on its color, appearance, and spatter pattern consistent with a trajectory from his exploded dick. I have no doubt that I'd be breaking out the Swiffer Wet were Too $hort kicking it with me. Of course, despite my love and admiration for his musical stylings, it's not very likely that I'd go on a date with Mr. Shaw, because I've been tricked by guys before who "just wanted to fuck [me] and cut, treat [me] like a trampy slut," and at this point in my life not even someone with an inherent gift for breaking bitches spitting straight pimpgame from the Oaktown can convince me that "goin' hoin'" is a good idea. Besides, I suck at housework, and there's nothing more aggravating than scrubbing dried seminal fluid off hardwood.

6. Grandiose visions of self as super-pimp: Too $hort plans to revolutionize society to better facilitate the exploitation of prostitutes. In the early '90s, he advocated a change in goverment, saying "Fuck Bill Clinton. Make me the motherfuckin president, I'll make the White House a ho house fo' all the pimps." Chingy! has decided to make over my apartment similarly, decorating it with the trash he drags everywhere. I am certain that if my kitchen garbage can was full of ghetto prostitutes instead of empty beer bottles and pizza crusts, my apartment would rapidly devolve into a ho house under Chingy!'s direction.

7. Enjoys digging: After Chingy! completes his lengthy bathroom ritual, he likes to follow his business with an enthusiastic hind-leg dirt-kicking. This is especially satisfying for him if he manages to kick dirt, gravel, and/or trash all over my shoes. $hort Dog also enjoys a good routing, although he prefers to excavate a different substrate, or as he says "digging in them guts like a gardener, and if she screams, I'm-a fuck that bitch harder."

8. Highly self-indulgent: The other day I came home and the dogs had somehow managed to open the refrigerator door (I'm pretty sure this caper was a collaborative effort with Caesar.) While the selection of culinary delights (read: low-fat yogurt and Heineken) was disappointing for them, I did find the shredded wrapper from a brick of Monterey Jack cheese on my duvet cover, covered with suspiciously Ching!ish bite marks. Too $hort has a similar fondness for "eating food like a motherfucking fat bitch."

9. Successfully incorporate unnecessary punctuation in name: Normally, when people spell their names with ridiculous punctuation marks, they get laughed at for being poser douchebags trying to unoriginally challenge the way things are conventionally spelled. Just writing this blog entry has been an exercise in aberrant punctuating...I don't think I've ever hit Shift + 4 so many times in one sitting at the computer in the history of RAZZY.org. However, both Chingy! and Too $hort pull it off, and, in fact, their names just wouldn't look right without the respective exclamation point and dollar sign. Chingy by itself is boring, and sounds (unintentionally) like an anti-Asian racial slur. The exclamation point makes it funky. Too Short is a demeaning characterization I use to describe some men I'm not attracted to (example: "No way would that dude ever get to tap my hot ass. He's too short.") Too $hort, however, indicates that a man's stature as a player from the east side can eclipse his physical stature as a squat, chunky bald man. Indeed, rather than scoff at his height, if Too $hort were to cruise by right now in his drop-top Caddy, I would follow his instructions and flash him a peace sign and holler "Hey, Pimp Daddy."

10. Laziness: Chingy! sleeps roughly 23 hours a day, preferably on my bed or couch or anywhere else it's undesirable to accumulate massive amounts of shed dog hair. Too $hort doesn't really have to do anything besides get his cock sucked and smoke hella dank, since his pockets are perenially on swoll thanks to his hard-working flock of top-notches. Yes, life is good for pimps.

I'm starting to think that I should acquire a limp, because whether the pimp is a Dog or a Pug Dog, they seem to have a pretty nice life. I'm jealous.

Labels: CHONGAY CHONG

# posted by Razzy @ 2:50 PM