RazzyBlog

Sherman Hemsley: Best known for his work in "The Jeffersons," Sherman Hemsley has pretty much done jack shit since except occasionally reprise his role as George Jefferson in commercials for Denny's Grand Slam breakfasts or portray a similar character in a guest role on some crappy UPN sitcom. According to the "Surreal Life" promo page, Sherman will bring a "booming voice and heart of gold" to the SL mansion. Translation: he's the cranky old codger who can't deal with any of the attention whore freaks that he's stuck with, but he can't leave the show because he desperately needs the money, so he just sits around bitching. Then he does weird old-man stuff and people think he's endearing.

C.C. Deville: since apparently Bret Michaels is still marginally important enough to work part-time as a pundit for VH1 countdowns like "50 Hottest Rock Star Girlfriends," VH1 went to the next washed-up former member of Poison to join this season's cast. Enter C.C. Deville, erstwhile Poison guitarist who is trying to give sobriety a go for the 57th time. C.C. has not weathered those years of hard living well. Clearly he has to have killed a couple million neurons or so to employ the stylist who dressed him in this ensemble; you have to be cognitively impaired in order to think that old-man plaid and leopard are a winning combination. Also, he's tried to freshen up his beat-up face with a little surgery and fake-n-baking, but instead of having the desired effect and making him look youthful and CUH-razy like he did in the days of the "Unskinny Bop" video, he looks like a freakish imitation of that girl from The Exorcist. I expect him to start projectile vomiting all over that stank outfit of his any minute now.

Steve Harwell: Who is Steve Harwell, you ask? He's the fat one in this picture (not the bassist/Crimson Tide fan). At first I thought he was Uncle Kracker, although I did question his relative lack of tattoos. I seem to remember Uncle Kracker having sleeves of eagles and other such white trash iconography on his arms. As it turns out, Steve Harwell is the lead singer of Smash Mouth, which (in case you forgot) was the most annoying band to pollute mainstream radio in the late '90s. Or they at least tied with the Barenaked Ladies for that illustrious honor. They were like a super upbeat, slightly less emo-bitch version of Maroon5: unbearable, mass-produced, heavily processed pop-rock that twelve-year-old girls consume like it's made of candy and crack cocaine. To refresh your memory, they sang that "Hey now, you're a rock star, get your game on, go play, all that glitters is gold, only shooting stars break the mold blah blah blah" song. That song sucked, and for some reason, not only did every radio station decide to play this shit ad nauseum, but it was whored out to a cadre of TV commercials. Now it appears (thankfully) that even dumbass advertising executives have retired "All Star," so Steve Harwell needed a shot of D-list fame, and hence is what VH1 calls the show's "tattooed rock-star ringmaster." How they can designate this assclown the chief "rock-star" considering that C.C. DEVILLE THE GROUPIE-FUCKING, JACK DANIELS-SWILLING, COKE-SNORTING LEAD GUITARIST OF POISON is also on the show is a great example of VH1's audacity and shamelessness in exploiting kind-of-but-not-really-famous people.

Tawny Kitaen: What would a cast comprised of a bunch of has-been "rock stars" be without a has-been groupie? Call up Tawny Kitaen! Julie "Tawny" Kitaen burst onto the Hollywood scene with her starring role in Bachelor Party, but she became famous when she fucked David Coverdale and consequently got to writhe around seductively on the hoods of two '80s model Jaguars in Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video. After that, she quickly faded into obscurity, starred in a few straight-to-video sexploitation thrillers, married a professional baseball player, and developed a voracious appetite for coke, booze, and pills. She was back in the spotlight after one night when, in a coked-up frenzy, she beat the crap out of her husband, pitcher Chuck Finley, with her strappy summer sandals. Finley dumped her ass (and in fairness to him, it can't be easy to be in a locker room full of pro athletes ribbing you about being domestically abused by the chick from the Whitesnake video), she went to rehab, and now she's looking to make a "comeback" of sorts by reminding us all that she's still alive. I think the most useful thing she can do for this show is not fuck the guy from Smash Mouth, because if he's really a "rock star," he'll be tapping that pussy by day 2. Her cooch is like a rock star detector; it naturally attracts hair band musicians like shiny things attract retarded kids. Please, Tawny, stay away from that chubby short-sleeved Abercrombie shirt wearer! Please!

Alexis Arquette: The brother of David, Rosanna, and Patricia, Alexis never quite found the same professional accolades starring in films like Children of the Corn 5: Fields of Terror and Killer Drag Queens on Dope. You know you are in trouble when your brother, star of the Scream trilogy and a host of rage-inducing 1-800-COLLECT commercials, looks like Sir Laurence Olivier when compared to your body of work. Since the whole actor thing hasn't worked out so well, Alexis has decided to distinguish himself from his more-famous siblings by dressing in drag and being *FABULOUS* all the time. That's awesome, because there's nothing to keep things from getting boring like a loudmouthed, obnoxious transvestite trying to get as much mileage as possible out of what may be their last shot yet at cultural relevance.

Andrea Lowell: Who? Oh, she's on Playboy TV. That's why I haven't seen her...because if I want to watch porn, I'm going to watch some real fucking porn, not a bunch of "classy" would be Playmates rolling around topless and giggling. Give me Jennatalia any day, and keep your bullshit Spice or Playboy channels. If I want to watch boring softcore shit, I'll rent a DVD of "Red Shoe Diaries." Anyway, VH1 claims that when Andrea Lowell is "not getting naked, the former pre-med will be outsmarting the whole cast!" Oh, really? She was pre-med? Meaning she wanted to go to medical school, but didn't quite get that MCAT score she needed? Whoa, she must be an intellectual giant! Because you have to have a mind like a steel trap to pass a year of bio 101 and chemistry for dummies before you drop out of West Hollywood Community College to be a professional skank. Just because someone manages to get C's in their freshman year core classes doesn't mean they're one step away from performing surgery. Being good at playing doctor doesn't make you one. Furthermore, I'm deeply suspicious of her medical credentials based on her own assessment of her breasts. Her biography claims that she has a "natural bust." If those inflated missiles on her chest are natural, then so is her fucking hair color. There is just no way that tits that large (I'm estimating DD plus) poke straight out like that. I have large B/small C cups and while they don't really sag, they also don't stand at attention either. And mine are MUCH smaller than this bitch's, so there is no way you can tell me that her shit is natural and just seemingly impervious to the force of gravity. Natural tits have a natural hang to them. Andrea Lowell may find that her staggering genius is capable of outwitting the likes of Tawny Kitaen, but her "pre-med" qualifications aren't enough to fool me.

Florence Henderson, M.S.W.: After finishing her epic run as Carol Brady and a brief stint as a Poligrip denture adhesive spokesperson, apparently Florence Henderson went to grad school and became a licensed SEX THERAPIST! I guess she's qualified, since while she was on "The Brady Bunch" she and Greg Brady were allegedly fucking on the set in Tiger's doghouse while Mike Brady was off bending over in front of a glory hole in some 1980s San Francisco bathhouse. Therefore, she has a lifelong career in working out issues with sexual deviants. This should help while she's trying to keep C.C. Deville out of a Tawny Kitaen-Andrea Lowell sandwich, or (God forbid) trying to do the same with the guy from Smash Mouth, or helping Alexis Arquette come to terms with his/her gender and sexuality issues. I just can't wait to watch her bitch at everyone. And I'm curious to know how an elderly sex therapist can help an elderly dude like Sherman Hemsley. Actually, on second thought, that's gross, so I hope nothing like that goes down.

"Mystery Hunk from Reality TV": VH1 is playing coy on their official promo site about who this will be, but it will be "chosen from a pool of reality TV hunks. Will it be Mr. Survivor? Mr. Bachelor? Mr. Apprentice? Mr. Big Brother?" Of course not. VH1 doesn't have enough pull to get a castoff from a top tier reality show. A quick internet search confirmed my initial prediction: it's not anyone from those shows. It's Mr. Tough Enough. Remember that short-lived show on MTV that gave the winner a development contract with the WWE? Barely. Remember who won? No. Well, VH1 does. It was Maven, a wrassler who perfected forgettable moves like the M-Plosion and the M-Pact. These were no People's Elbow or Walls of Jericho in terms of their entertainment value, so Vince McMahon cut his bitch ass last year, citing "a lack of enthusiasm with regard to Maven's in-ring ability" as a reason. I guess Al Snow and Tazz aren't the trainers/mentors/coaches they were cracked up to be on "Tough Enough." I do have to applaud Maven for seizing the opportunity to fill the washed-up reality star role on "The Surreal Life" in a last-ditch attempt to make people remember him. I just can't wait for the first episode, when the show plays up to all the other cast members that a "mystery hunk" is going to show up, then see everyone frantically trying to figure out who the fuck Maven is when he strolls in amidst all the overdone fanfare.

"The Surreal Life 6" premieres on St. Patrick's Day, and I can barely contain myself waiting for this shit. Only twelve more days, and they can't pass fast enough!

# posted by Razzy @ 10:52 AM