RazzyBlog

I don't check my razzy.org email very often because I'm forgetful and frankly, nobody ever emails me there. Most of razzy.org readers either don't correspond with me, or are already my friend and know what my real, everyday email address is. Since Aunt Jesus stopped blessing me with her daily shamings, there hasn't been much action in my razzy@razzy.org inbox. Sure, every once in a while some random person decides to drop me a line, and it's almost always about the Hot Jews list. Mostly, it's people who want to inform me that some of the people on the list aren't remotely Jewish (like Gregory Peck and Rex Grossman), and then question my sources, sometimes irritably. One misguided junior high student who was writing a paper on prominent Jews in the public eye actually used the Hot Jews list as a primary source and decided to focus her report on Siouxsie Sioux. In the course of her research, she found that Siouxsie was not only not Jewish, but also quite the anti-semite. Oops...that wasn't on Wikipedia or wherever I heard she was Jewish from. I only included her because I was desperately trying to round out the "Musicians" section of the list. But really, if you use razzy.org as a legitimate resource for any report (except possibly one on useless bullshit, and then it should be the only thing in your bibliography), you deserve to fail your freaking ninth grade Social Studies class anyway.

Anyway, today I opened my razzy.org email for the first time in a week or so, and found a subjectless email from a Mr. Landon Green. I was curious to see which Jew I was wrong about this time, and was dismayed and irritated to see that this wasn't about my website at all. In fact, it wasn't even from "Landon Green" as the From section made me believe, but an email address belonging to "sjcummings." My email program informed me that the email originated in Spain, and it was very apparent that Landon Green/sjcummings had never been to my website when I saw the content:

Finally the real thing- no more ripoffs! Enhancment Patches are hot right now, VERY hot! Unfortunately, most are cheap imitiations and do very little to increase your size and stamina. Well this is the real thing, not an imitation! One of the very originals, the absolutely strongest Patch available, anywhere!A top team of British scientists and medical doctors have worked to develop the state-of-the-art Pen1s Enlargment Patch delivery system which automatically increases pen1s size up to 3-4 full inches. The patches are the easiest and most effective way to increase your size. You won't have to take pills, get under the knife to perform expensive and very painful surgery, use any pumps or other devices. No one will ever find out that you are using our product. Just apply one patch on your body and wear it for 3 days and you will start noticing dramatic results.Millions of men are taking advantage of this revolutionary new product - Don't be left behind!As an added incentive, they are offering huge discount specials right now, check out the site to see for yourself!

I don't know who would actually fall for a sales pitch like this, but there must be some slack-jawed idiots out there who are like, "Patches that make my dick bigger?! With no endorsement except that the stranger who emailed me about this says they work? Oh, right, and British scientists invented this. They have those smart-sounding accents, so the patches must work! I'll be 3-4 inches bigger in 3 days? Sounds good to me...let me get my credit card." If people didn't fall for this bullshit, the spammers would be out of business. Of course, the idiots who purchase "Enhancment patches" hoping to "enlarg their pen1s" should actually have their penises cut off, since people that stupid shouldn't be permitted to reproduce for the good of our species. In fact, if they quit passing their moron genes around, nobody would be dumb enough to get ripped off and thus make spamming profitable, and they wouldn't be targeting razzy.org for their bogus penis-enlarging placebo sales pitches. On what basis do they make their email lists? One would think that at this point, spammers are pretty sophisticated in terms of their ability to seek out people who won't either block or install a spam filter to eliminate communiques from these jackasses. I'm not very tech savvy, but can't they write programs or algorithms or whatever that can target only the morons that would fall for their sales pitches and get around spam filters? At the very least, I would expect these despicable assholes would assign me to the proper demographic and send me spam about increasing my breast size, since I don't have a penis to enlarge.

Of course, spammers don't read the content of websites they steal email addresses from, but I do know that software exists that scans website content and classifies it based on the words used. I think this is how Google works. If these bastard spammers would bother to get with the program and do some strategic marketing, they'd realize that razzy@razzy.org is NOT A FUCKING MAN! First of all, my website is replete with references to the women's college I went to. Second, I mention numerous times that I am, in fact, female. Third, I can think of at least three pictures on razzy.org that prominently feature my tits. Fourth, I'm always bitching about what goes on in the women's locker room. Fifth, I talk about my period (well, not explicitly, but I know I've alluded to it). I AM A WOMAN. I AM FEMALE. I DO NOT HAVE A PENIS. Hopefully, typing that in capital letters will encourage the next spammer to dig my email out of the cyber haystack to pitch something a little more gender neutral. They could at least try to sell me on some ridiculous get-rich-quick scheme involving me working at home 5 minutes a week and making a million dollars a month, or buying Xanax by mail, or something like that. Frankly, that would be less infuriating than the constant harping about my penis size. Fix your spiders, or bots, or crawlers or whatever, spammers. Even the energy it requires to click the "delete" button is too much to waste on something that pisses me off this much.