Tuesday, April 18, 2006
If you're looking for a challenge, try avoiding anorexia
There are these commercials on now for Special K cereal, which urge the consumer to "take the Special K Challenge." The Special K Challenge involves substituting two meals a day with a bowl of Special K and skim milk for two weeks, and promises a smaller waistline. Special K's website claims that this diet plan was meticulously crafted to "deliver positive results in a short time frame (two weeks)." Another scientifc term for this is "crash diet."
Apparently, Special K's marketing team knows that Special K is a shitty cereal (after you pour milk on it, that shit is more limp than a frat boy after ten rounds of Patron shots...it's certainly no Kashi Go Lean! Crunch). Therefore, they have pretty much one option in terms of selling their cardboard flakes: cater to insecure women, because they will buy anything. If you don't believe me, look at Anna Nicole Smith. Despite the fact that she could play herself as schizophrenic booze and prescription painkillers hound on a "Law and Order" episode, that severely scrambled bitch is still the spokesperson for Trimspa, which means that Trimspa is still selling. Who is buying this shit? Insecure women who don't give a fuck about how out-of-her-mind crazy Anna Nicole is, because she lost at least 50 pounds using Trimspa. Obviously, Anna Nicole isn't the epitome of credibility, so there's clearly a lot of dumb cunts willing to overlook the spokespersons' inherent insanity and fork over 40 bucks for a month supply of weak-acting herbal meth. Special K decided that this was an untapped market, and began selling their product accordingly.
Since I'm always curious about diet fads (because my diet, the "Eat Whatever the Fuck You Feel Like So Long as you Wash it Down with Copious Quantities of Inexpensive American Lager" Diet, hasn't been on the Times non-fiction bestseller list...yet), I decided to investigate the Special K Challenge a little further. My research mined the most comprehensive source (the internet), and after my many sophisticated analyses, I concluded that Kellogg's (NYSE ticker symbol: K) is taking a page out of the tobacco companies' books and passing off a recipe for chronic disease as a way to "motivate people to continue with a long-term healthier lifestyle." Right, and smoking cigarettes is a great way to prevent lung cancer. Self-hating skanks will spend any amount of money for a vague promise of miracle results, so the Special K team at Kellogg's undoubtedly figured, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and thus began selling their cereal as a diet product to chunky bitches who will try anything to take an inch off their waists.
In terms of nutritional value, Special K is a fucking shitshow. While nutritiondata.com says that Special K "is very low in Saturated Fat and Cholesterol. It is also a good source of Vitamin A and Vitamin E, and a very good source of Vitamin C, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin B12, Iron, Manganese and Selenium," I don't see anything that I don't get in my Women's One-a-Day. As far as Special K is concerned, so fucking what? If I wanted to starve myself, I'd switch out my daily morning buttered blueberry muffin with any random multivitamin. Replacing two meals a day with Special K is thus the dietary equivalent of embracing an eating disorder.
Unfortunately, women are suckers for food-and-weight issues, so this marketing strategy is probably working. I am just picturing hordes of BBW Notties dancing naked in front of their full-length mirror to the Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha" praising Special K for getting them into an Old Navy size 10/12. Thank God for anorexia, it's the only thing that works! It's a horrible thought, but that's what Special K is selling.
Apparently, Special K's marketing team knows that Special K is a shitty cereal (after you pour milk on it, that shit is more limp than a frat boy after ten rounds of Patron shots...it's certainly no Kashi Go Lean! Crunch). Therefore, they have pretty much one option in terms of selling their cardboard flakes: cater to insecure women, because they will buy anything. If you don't believe me, look at Anna Nicole Smith. Despite the fact that she could play herself as schizophrenic booze and prescription painkillers hound on a "Law and Order" episode, that severely scrambled bitch is still the spokesperson for Trimspa, which means that Trimspa is still selling. Who is buying this shit? Insecure women who don't give a fuck about how out-of-her-mind crazy Anna Nicole is, because she lost at least 50 pounds using Trimspa. Obviously, Anna Nicole isn't the epitome of credibility, so there's clearly a lot of dumb cunts willing to overlook the spokespersons' inherent insanity and fork over 40 bucks for a month supply of weak-acting herbal meth. Special K decided that this was an untapped market, and began selling their product accordingly.
Since I'm always curious about diet fads (because my diet, the "Eat Whatever the Fuck You Feel Like So Long as you Wash it Down with Copious Quantities of Inexpensive American Lager" Diet, hasn't been on the Times non-fiction bestseller list...yet), I decided to investigate the Special K Challenge a little further. My research mined the most comprehensive source (the internet), and after my many sophisticated analyses, I concluded that Kellogg's (NYSE ticker symbol: K) is taking a page out of the tobacco companies' books and passing off a recipe for chronic disease as a way to "motivate people to continue with a long-term healthier lifestyle." Right, and smoking cigarettes is a great way to prevent lung cancer. Self-hating skanks will spend any amount of money for a vague promise of miracle results, so the Special K team at Kellogg's undoubtedly figured, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and thus began selling their cereal as a diet product to chunky bitches who will try anything to take an inch off their waists.
In terms of nutritional value, Special K is a fucking shitshow. While nutritiondata.com says that Special K "is very low in Saturated Fat and Cholesterol. It is also a good source of Vitamin A and Vitamin E, and a very good source of Vitamin C, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin B12, Iron, Manganese and Selenium," I don't see anything that I don't get in my Women's One-a-Day. As far as Special K is concerned, so fucking what? If I wanted to starve myself, I'd switch out my daily morning buttered blueberry muffin with any random multivitamin. Replacing two meals a day with Special K is thus the dietary equivalent of embracing an eating disorder.
Unfortunately, women are suckers for food-and-weight issues, so this marketing strategy is probably working. I am just picturing hordes of BBW Notties dancing naked in front of their full-length mirror to the Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha" praising Special K for getting them into an Old Navy size 10/12. Thank God for anorexia, it's the only thing that works! It's a horrible thought, but that's what Special K is selling.
Girls, if you want to go all Karen Carpenter nervosa on everyone's asses, just do it the old-fashioned way. Avoid eating, exercise like hell, and don't waste your time with Special K. That shit has way too many calories, anyway.
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