Sunday, April 23, 2006
Jamie Foxx is a predictable asshole
That's why I was so pissed the other day when PerezHilton.com (one of the various internet pop culture teats from which I routinely suckle) reported that Jamie Foxx said with regard to his singing career:
"I am the savior. I'm definitely going out there with my mic and my shield to declare, 'I am here to save R&B.' I will have the people saying, 'Sire, there is a man at the musical gates saying he is here to save R&B."
Are you fucking kidding me? Shield? Sire? Is Jamie Foxx taking orders from Pope Urban II and fighting in the Crusades to reclaim the Holy Land? What fantasy world does he live in, fucking Camelot? Cut the Arthurian knight linguistic affectations, asshole. Perhaps in fictional medieval pre-Saxon lore Jamie Foxx would bust down the portcullis and get the fiefdom crunk with his sweet melodies, but in the modern era, his product is what most people call bullshit. Has Jamie ever listened to his own song, that "Unpredictable" crap that has been on the radio ad nauseum for the past three months? The only part of that song where I stop wanting desperately to immolate myself is the part where Ludacris is rapping (also that's the best part because it means the song is almost over). Jamie has obviously been hanging out too much with his fellow egomaniacal asshole Kanye West, whose delusional Jesus complex seems to be catching.
Where does Jamie Foxx get off thinking that he has the musical chops to "save R&B"? Because he had two hit songs singing the hook for Kanye West? So did Syleena Johnson and you don't hear her talking all sorts of artistically self-aggrandizing shit. I don't consider "she take my money when I'm in need" and "some Marvin Gaye, some Luther Vandross, a little Anita will definitely set this party off right" to be the harbingers of the "Savior of R&B."
Maybe he thinks he has extra musician clout because he can actually play the piano. Big deal...so can I. "Georgia on my Mind" is a couple of elementary chords and finger exercises played over and over, and is at the difficulty level of an eight-year-old who has gotten through the first two Bastien method books. If we were to have a throwdown over the works of Frederic Chopin, I guarantee I'd whip his self-satisfied ass with my Nocturne No. 19 in E minor, and I'm out of practice. He's not all that at the piano.
More infuriating than the already irritating presumption of musical greatness is the fact that R&B is in no need of saving from the likes of Jamie Foxx so long as this man is out on bond awaiting trial:
I am deeply offended at Jamie Foxx's implication that R&B needs his help while one Mr. Robert Sylvester Kelly still has his voice. Jamie Foxx never came up with anything NEARLY as good as "Bump 'n' Grind", "Feelin on Yo Booty," "You Remind Me of Something," "Thoia Thoing," "R&B Thug," "Snake," "Chocolate Factory," "Strip for You," "Down Low," "Sex Me," "Fucking You Tonight," "The Greatest Sex", "Your Body's Calling", "Ignition," "Fiesta", "The World's Greatest," or (Kells's most self-incriminating song) "Don't You Say No"...I could continue all day about how awesome R. Kelly's repertoire is. Jamie Foxx's only song from his crappy album so far is the shitty title track, "Unpredictable," which is at best a poor imitation of Kells's greatness. Jamie Foxx brags about his "creativity" and then vaguely promises sex in positions other than missionary. That's not creativity, that's a second date, stupid. If you truly strive for originality, why don't you compare sex with your woman/women to operating a remote control, driving a car/jeep, bumping a stereo, spending money, starting a vehicle, smoking a blunt, smoking a Cuban cigar, manufacturing candy, gorillas mating in the jungle, or playing tennis with Serena Williams. R. Kelly says that after having sex with him, women get vanity plates for their cars printed with "I love Kells" (or at least the women old enough to drive do.) I believe him, because that's just ridiculous enough to be true. Jamie Foxx's most creative idea is to say, "I know you're used to dinner and a movie...why not be my dinner, while makin' a movie." Oh, that's clever. You are full of surprises, Jamie Foxx. Too bad R. Kelly has you beat, because he wrote a whole SONG about it, "Sex in the Kitchen." Furthermore, if Jamie Foxx considers performing oral sex on a woman so infrequent an event that you never expect it, I certainly wouldn't want to be dating him.
I guess Jamie Foxx is just feeling insecure, because as of late, Kells has proved himself quite the thespian:
I have seen all twelve chapters of "Trapped in the Closet" and it's musical thugged-out R&B film noir at its finest. I never bothered seeing Ray because it looked long and boring, but I guarantee there wasn't a midget shitting his pants in terror at the sight of R. Kelly's chrome-plated Beretta 9-mil in it. Kells knew that his "hip-hop soap opera" was his vehicle for showing off his amazing skills as a dramatist. Jamie Foxx probably would never do Broadway because he sucks, and needs like 50 takes to get something right. R. Kelly, on the other hand, was so brave that he performed EVERY CHARACTER in "Trapped in the Closet" including Sylvester (philandering narrator), Cathy (random girl he bangs), Rufus (Cathy's husband on the DL), Chuck (Rufus's boyfriend), James (cop who is fucking Gwen), Gwen (Sylvester's wife), Twan (Gwen's brother, fresh out of prison), Rosey (nosy neighbor), Bridget (James's white trash wife, who hides the midget she is fucking under her double-wide pull out bed when James comes home), and Big Man (aforementioned midget who turns out to be Bridget's baby daddy). 
Watching one man perform that many diverse parts before a live audience (in particular, the audience at the VMAs) is a surreal experience; it's rare that you see a student of the craft with such range. Look at the pictures if you don't believe me. I am certain you will agree: the man can act. What does Jamie Foxx have? He can do four basic characters: hard-working everyman, goofy yet well-meaning guy from "the hood," Ray Charles, and soldier. Not only is Kells better than Jamie Foxx at R&B, he's able to incorporating acting into it much more effectively than Jamie Foxx ever could. So learn some humility, bitch!
Jamie Foxx's ability to entertain is more overrated than Ann Coulter's opinions, and his lackluster, vanilla persona is hardly Savior material. Until Jamie Foxx can deliver lines like "I like the way you move your cho-cha, it makes me wanna get to know ya" credibly, he needs to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. R. Kelly put the R-uh in R&B, and as a genre of music, it's doing just fine in his capable hands.
Labels: celebrities, I LOVE IT, retard rage, Robert Sylvester Kelly
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