Tuesday, May 23, 2006

 

The Ur a Looser List of Piss-Poor Riting

Usually I don't take requests, but today I figured I'd make an exception after I received the following e-mail:

RazzMaTazz,
Would you kindly post a blog entry ripping on people with HORRIBLE FUCKING GRAMMAR and/or SPELLING. I'm sick to death of these "your a asshole" type comments I keep seeing. The problem, as you might suspect, is ENDEMIC. Bust on them for me.
HotLawyer

Good call, not only because I most certainly suspect that this problem exists, but it has bothered me for some time (if you think some of the comments I get on my blog are bad, you should see some of the e-mails I've received). In fact this phenomenon is so prevalent, HotLawyer, as you would say, that it is as American as methamphetamine. Did everyone capable of operating an internet browser drop out of school in the second fucking grade? Because as I recall, that's where the distinction between the possessive "your" and the contraction "you're" was elucidated. I also recall being warned numerous times throughout my education that poor communication skills are the quickest route to the bottom of the socioeconomic food chain. This must be correct, because I can only assume that people with nothing better to do but post "ur a dumass;,, i think u r rong razzy!; u stoopid hore, lol!?!" messages on mine or anyone else's blog/message board all day is not only jobless, but also severely unemployable. Most professional employers require the ability to communicate in more sophisticated terms than Neanderthal-esque grunting, hooting, head-scratching, and checking oneself for ticks. Shit, even if you're a register jockey at Mickey D's you have to say "Welcome to McDonald's, how may I help you?" which is light years beyond the average "u r hott en ur nekid pics,. wass yer number, wanna hook up ;)p !"

I've already denigrated the moron who called me a "hore" and wished "herrpes" upon me, so I'm not going to keep harping on that sorry sucker. However, I've been annoyed with this phenomenon for some time, and overwhelmingly ready to rant about idiot web jargon. There are several distinct styles that these e-degenerates use, and they often use more than one. I'd like to describe each of these unique (but by no means mutually exclusive) styles on what I call the "Ur A Looser List of Piss-Poor Riting":

1. Replacing coherent text with internet acronyms. For example: "that's funny LOL!" If something is funny, asshole, I will decide on my own whether or not to laugh out loud without your input. Furthermore, if I see something like "FTBWIFMBSIASBDHANILY!!!! LOL!," you might as well be writing in fucking Egyptian hieroglyphs, because I have no idea what that means. I'm not terribly picky about colloquialisms, nor am I implying that I'm some sort of superior writer. I am the author of a website devoted to useless bullshit. I'm not trying to suggest that my chronicles about dudes who sucked at fucking me, my opinions about trashy TV shows, or my ranting about the problems in my apartment are tantamount to The Grapes of Wrath in terms of literary mastery. However, at least I give my twelve readers the option of laughing or not, without telling them that they should. Writing "LOL" is the internet literary equivalent of a laugh track on a sitcom like "Everybody Loves Raymond:" the material sucks already to the point of murdering the nearest innocent bystander, but the canned laughter at all the dumb not-funny jokes are just icing on the homicidal-anger-at-being-patronized cake.

2. Despite proficiency at double-clicking the Firefox icon and typing "www.myspace.com", complete inability to press the "ABC-check mark" button on the toolbar. The "ABC-check mark" button (or some variation of said theme) is the one that usually operates the spell-checker in various pieces of software, including those used to send e-mail. Some people have not yet figured this out. Here's an example I received a couple months ago via e-mail from a reader in Seattle:

Hey, I'm from P-N-Dub. In fact I work at the U-Dub. You can kill mice hear. Why leave home for the over crowded full of themselves east coasters?
So you've got great T&A you say. We have seen the "T". . . how about some "A"? You are great with words. I don't read your site because you are hot, but maybe I'll check it more often if you show us your best butt-floss. Make sure your sensative aunte doesn't read FQA.
I'm gald you didn't disrespect that Marine beyond the general discharge. Anyone who is still in uniform after three years of this thankless war has my respect. Do you care to weight-in on politics or are you all about pop culture and scottch?
BTW, its late and I don't have a spell checker, so If you find a miss spelled word, I'm sure you'll figure out what I meant to say anyway.


I did find a few "miss spelled words." In fact, I also found some improper capitalization, omission of implicitly necessary pronouns, homonym misuse, and comma fault. However, as the writer notes, I am great with words, so fortunately I did figure out what he meant to say ("Razzy, put up naked pictures"...done and done, dude). However, I am extremely skeptical that any piece of e-mail software capable of functioning on a modern computer lacks a spell-checking function. Even if it's true that his Qwest DSL account e-mail interface for some reason doesn't provide this perk, he could go old-school and break out the goddamned dictionary. There's no way I'm going to "weight-in on politics" with someone who can't even spell a frequently-used acronym. Furthermore, if I ever needed any validation regarding my decision to pursue a graduate degree at Columbia versus U-Dub, I just received it. I didn't realize the University of Washington's standards were so low, but then again, it is a state school, so perhaps they have no problem admitting people with exceptionally low scores on the GRE Verbal section. Instead of matching wits with a man who can spell "butt-floss" but not "aunt," I would rather just go drink some "scottch."

3. Egregious omission of punctuation mark (and/or the letter e). Your/you're, its/it's, were/we're...these are all examples of words that are frequently confused. Someone who liked my naked pictures left a comment reading "Your a russian whore i'd pay mad rubels for." How does this guy know the currency used in the former Soviet Union, but not the fact that the word "your" is possessive? It seems that a lot of people are confused by this, as this is one of the most prevalent grammatical errors I see online. Therefore, I'll provide some examples of "your" used in the appropriate context: your I.Q. is lower than mine, your brain is underdeveloped, and your prospects for success are grim. To all comment-posting enthusiasts: please brush up on your grammar skills, lest you further erode the already pitiful collective intellect of the web-surfing community.

4. I before E, except after C, motherfucker. Here's an example from an e-mail to razzy@razzy.org from a reader who found my site via a link on Wonkette last year. I have like 30 e-mails of this nature correcting the content of the Hot Jews list, so I had no problem finding one that made the precise error I was looking for:

I found a couple errors on your hot heebs list. I beleive that Gregory Peck and Vanity are both not jews, and Buffy is only half jew. Gwyneth Paltrow doesnt practice so she doesn't count either-I'm beleive she is budhist. Who is Rena Sofer? Is s/he even hot? Thought you wouldn't mind recieving some feedback to make your page better!

First, Rena Sofer played the crazy cheerleader Eve on "Melrose Place," and anyone who participated in 1990s-era Aaron Spelling TV productions is hot in my book, which is why Ian "Steve Sanders" Ziering is also on the list. When last seen (by me), Rena Sofer was playing someone's battered wife in a Lifetime original movie. Second, while I do appreciate feedback to make my site better, I'm not turning to an editor who "beleives" that I am wrong, and I don't know how to "recieve" anything since THAT'S NOT A WORD!

5. Assumption that spelling the phonetic pronunciation of a word is an acceptable alternative means of spelling a word itself. Andrea Lowell, late of Playboy TV and "The Surreal Life" wrote a comment scolding me for calling her a "skank" when she is actually a "TV host and MODEL." In said comment, she used the term "tho." Is it really so difficult to type "u-g-h" afterward? Perhaps she's just extremely prescient, since that's my first thought when I see someone spell the word "though" that way...ugh.

I've also received numerous comments with the extraordinarily aggravating use of "ur." As far as I am concerned, and at the risk of revealing my EXTREME nerdiness, Ur refers to the ancient Babylonian kingdom in southern Mesopotamia (AKA Iraq, and in case you were wondering, since Gulf War Uno tourists have NOT had the opportunity to climb the archaeologically important ziggurat there) once ruled by the infamous Nebuchadnezzar II, not the pronunciation of "you are." So when someone leaves me a comment regarding my cutting in line to get to Easter mass that reads simply "ur going to hell," I'm not going to run frantically to a confessional and get about the business of saving my soul. Even my Aunt Jesus was more eloquent than this. Nor am I going to invite a guy to tap my fine ass when he comes on to me with "ur sexy, u want some cock?" or something along those lines (although the naked pictures of me have solicited several comments in this vein, this is really prevalent in the veritable avalanche of Friendster messages I get that inspired the Rejects page.) For the record, if you are trying to bang me, you'd better not be so lazy as to omit typing "y, o, an apostrophe, and e."

6. Due to either slothful typing or general illiteracy, writing "a lot" as one word. My all-time most-hated error is writing "alot." An executive at the company where I worked used to do this all the time, and his memos used to make my blood boil: "Please ensure that lab spaces are well-lighted and busy, and lab personnel are wearing their personal protective equipment (read: lab coat), as alot of prospective investors will be touring the facilities tomorrow." He is a very smart man, and that doubled my frustration regarding his chronic use of "alot." When you can put the letters "M.D." behind your name and you're a god of immunotherapy, you should know how to spell "a lot" properly. Clearly, the people who write the questions for the MCAT should consider throwing prospective doctors a curveball like this:

What is the correct spelling of this commonly used phrase?
A. al ot
B. a lot
C. alot
D. none of the above

And if you get that wrong, you shouldn't gain admission to medical school, because I don't want any motherfucker who can't be bothered with the space bar operating on me. "A lot" is TWO WORDS, people! It's TWO WORDS WITH A SPACE IN BETWEEN THEM!

7. Excessive or incorrect use of punctuation marks. I do realize that I sometimes throw in a couple extra exclamation points to indicate emphasis on a certain point I am making, so I am slightly guilty of this. Despite all my criticisms up to this point, I feel permitted to take certain stylistic liberties on the internet because it's a more informal forum for expressing my thoughts. In scientific papers, I wouldn't even use a single exclamation point or question mark. I try to keep my writing style appropriate for its medium. Here is the distinction:

Journal of Virology/doctoral dissertation style: Human rhinovirus is the etiologic agent causing most common colds.
RAZZY.org style: Human motherfucking rhinovirus got famous laying the smackdown on your upper respiratory tracts, bitches!

At least in my informal blog writing style, I practice consistency. I use exclamation points to indicate excitement, and question marks to indicate a query, and both to indicate an excited query. Many people on the internet do not stick to such a program in terms of their punctuating, and the result is a total shitshow that renders any salient points they might have made virtually unreadable. For example, I got this e-mail a while back from a guy who must have read my RazzyBio page and decided to contact me, because I think it's clear that I love e-mail from backwoods folks who ramble crazily about their dogs, life in rural New Jersey, and their anger at city officials for passing animal control laws.

MiCrobiology??& you still insist on drinking"light"beer???If you valued life&beer at all you be a brewmaster&make some psychodelic hopped up brew&then I' d hang around with you,,,till the beer ran out.need I remind you that if you figured out how to make really great beer,,,you could afford more dogs!!&they wouldhave more friends .Actually if you don't make much this is the town for you to live in.after my dad died ,I got this house here 9yrs ago for$15,000.7then I paid $300/amonth for 5yrs.&now its paid. &then I found out later that there are row house s around here for around $10,000. &we're right near the river&everything is pretty close by so you don't need a car to too much.just to go get dog food w/&to take em to the vet. vets are prettyy cheap too$20,per visit. Eh!!!Jersey is where REAL PEOPLE LIVE!!! tHIS TOWN IS SO COOL ..THE SCUMBAGS WHO RULE IT.PASSED A LAW MAKING IT ILLEGAL TO OWN MORE THAN 4 ANIMALS?. they will be dealt w/ by watching&waiting,,,&then reporting their activities to the the US atty general,the are really dirty&greedy&their greed will send them to fed.prison

Apart from the Timothy McVeigh-meets-Zacarias Moussaoui psychotic ranting about city ordinances preventing him from starting a farm of feral mutts, and the threateningly Unabomber-esque "they will be dealt w/ by watching&waiting," this guy couldn't properly punctuate a sentence if his life depended on it. His excessive use of the "&" and "/" characters, the inappropriate periods, the misused question marks, and the comma ellipses render this tirade virtually unintelligible. People who follow a completely incomprehensible set of rules for using punctuation should consider that whatever their opinion, it always ends up leaving the same point with the reader: you're a moderately frightening yokel incapable of scribbling even a moderately legible note in your native language. Learn where to put a fucking comma, you idiot.

I suppose that I could rage indefinitely on the illiteracy of the computer literate, but I actually have to get some real work done now. So for all of you Mensa rejects, please don't grace your fellow bloggers/blog-readers/online jerk-offs with the unimaginably crappy thoughts that emerge from your feeble brains. Because there's enough of you on the internet already, and frankly, one "alot" slinger and LOL-ing loser is too many.


Comments:
THANK YOU! This is right on. I was beginning to think that nobody on the internet knew how to spell, or else that nobody cared about it. I am SO glad that someone is out there who is as annoyed by this as me. Keep fighting the good fight!
 
Aw damn: I am guilty of not spell-checking my blog posts, which I should really do.... I have made some embarrassingly bad typos in the past.

So: apologies. But, I do agree with everything else you say...
 
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