Thursday, June 08, 2006
The MTV Movie Awards in real time
I'm not normally an award show watcher. I always just watch the red carpets to see what everyone is wearing, and then catch the key moments via the miracle of the internet. However, MTV award shows are another story. The folks at MTV supplant all the lengthy, tearful speeches and self-righteous celebrations of the arts with shameless corporate promotion and young stars in hot outfits acting like assholes. MTV's genius producers don't fuck around. They just get right down to doing what they do best: entertaining teenagers and twentysomething graduate students in Smith College jogging shorts drinking beer and eating Lean Cuisine on their couches. Therefore, since I know that everyone else probably has something better to do than sit around watching this crap, I'll diligently relate all the awesomeness that transpired at this year's MTV Movie Awards, hosted by the sexy but otherwise untalented Jessica Alba.
9:00-The show kicks off with a stupid skit, featuring Topher Grace (who I always think is Tobey McGuire...I was convinced that's who this was for the first several minutes) threatening Flavor Flav with a squirt gun of piss. The only good thing about this was that Flavor Flav has duct tape over his mouth, thus preventing a view of his cheap-ass grill and him shouting "Yeeah, boyyyyyyy!" incessantly. How this makes us excited to see Jessica Alba's opening monologue (involving a series of lame jokes about how she's the most downloaded woman on the internet) is beyond me.
9:10-Christian Bale gets the award for "Best Hero" for his performance in the INSANELY boring Batman Begins. I don't care about the award, though, because Christian Bale may be one of the hottest guys on the planet. Tall, built, sporting a sexualicious Welsh accent...the only thing unattractive about him is the fact that he's married.
9:21 p.m.-Colin Farrell and Jamie Smarmy Bitch Foxx show up to present the "Best Fight" award/plug Miami Vice. Camera cuts to rumored one-time Colin Farrell lay Rosario Dawson, applauding wildly. Clearly the rumors are true, and I don't blame her. Colin Farrell is FUCKING HOT. Unfortunately, his good looks are ruined by Jamie Foxx next to him attempting to act ghetto "Who wants-a fight me? Oh lawdy, Jessica Simpson gon' get all gangsta!" Then he makes a bad Nick Lachey joke. God, what a tool. And he has a dent in the back of his head. Where is R. Kelly to serve this asshole a hot slice of humility?
9:30 p.m.-Thank God, Justin Timberlake has a new album coming out next year. FINALLY. I've been dying from more lyrics like those on his previous brilliant contribution, Justified. He and Eva Mendes make some tired "ranch hand job" jokes about Brokeback Mountain while guffawing like a pair of hyenas. The camera cuts to Jake Gyllenhaal giggling awkwardly about their borderline offensively homophobic fag jokes. However, they are redeemed when they present Jake and Heath with the "Best Kiss" award. Justin shrugs and says, "It's the fellas." Jake is clearly delighted to finally accept an award after being totally shafted during the serious award shows, since Heath got all the praise for being the top. Heath isn't at the show, and they don't even bother with giving him a video clip to say thanks, so it's Jake's night to shine.
9:34 p.m.-Jimmy Fallon shows up in full Da Vinci Code Tom Hanks overgelled professor mullet to help Jessica Alba desperately struggle through carrying the viewers' interest. Good thing she's hot, because otherwise this shit would be entirely unwatchable. Once Andy Dick shows up playing the self-flagellating murderous albino monk, I decide that this skit sucks. I go take a piss.
9:41-Ali G shows up to mock Kazakhstanians everywhere. He is funny, and I laugh out loud: "Good evening, gentlemans and prostitutes. But I love the movies of Hollywood. Jessica Simpsons, you were great in the Lords of Hazzards. You have beautiful mouth. I could see it through your denim shorts."
9:45-Gnarls Barkley performs dressed as Darth Vader, minus the helmet. Finally Darth is actually portrayed as the mammoth black man he's always sounded like. Except Gnarls doesn't sound like James Earl Jones at all. Weird and incongruous.
9:55-Hayden Christensen gets the "Best Villain" award, and what a skinny, effete hipster bitch he is! Gnarls Barkley wore that Darth Vader suit better than Hayden Christensen ever did. He's dressed like a horrid cross between Lance Bass and the sailor from the Village People. He is rocking a gold sailor-braid trimmed trucker hat! He must have called his stylist and said, “Dress me in whatever you’d like, so long as it involves a pair of bedazzled True Religion jeans and makes me look like I got dressed in a very dark, very gay closet.” Like the one he lives in.
10:00-And speaking of leading men on the down low, Jake Gyllenhaal is cleaning up with the “Best Performance” award. Take that, Heath! I mean, Heath got all the critical recognition (the Best Actor Oscar nod, the Golden Globe and whatnot), but MTV’s audience doesn’t even seem to care that Heath Ledger is nowhere to be found. Tonight is Jake's night, and he doesn't even have any of his ugly girlfriends around to cockblock him with the fellas.
10:05-Famke Janssen and Rebecca Romijn nee Stamos threaten to strip and paint each other. Not that Famke needs it with that overdone Mystic Tan. Seriously, lay off the fake-and-bake, girl, you look like a candied yam! And her dress looks like something Martin Lawrence would have donned in Big Momma's House. Jessica Alba gets the award for "Sexiest Performance" in Sin City. An easy win, considering she was up against Rob Schneider in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo! That's like sticking some tweeker's paint-by-number of the late Dale Earnhardt next to the Mona Lisa and asking which is the more valuable piece of art. Come on! This isn't even a contest.
10:09-ANOTHER piece of Jessica Alba sketch comedy? That bitch might be ridiculously hot, but she can’t act worth shit, and her attempts at comedy are worse than Britney Spears’s attempts at dieting. She certainly can’t pull off being King Kong's drunken negligee-wearing realtor. Yes, that was the premise of the skit. She didn't make it convincing.
10:12-OH MY GOD, IT’S T.I.! Cue the “What You Know” entrance music! T.I. is scowlingly hot-hot-HOT as usual, and there’s no one standing next to him, so you can’t tell how short he is. However, mothefucker needs to learn how to enunciate! His introduction to Christina Aguilera’s performance sounds like, “Yeeeah, mumble mumble Bankhead! Mumble mumble mumble Steenagalaa. Putcho' hands up.”
10:13-Enter Xtina, who looks great, albeit with just a hint of trannishness. I also kind of like her song. Well, I don’t hate it, so that’s saying something. You go girl!
10:17-The crowd loves Christina, as they should. She sang and danced her gorgeous ass off, and generally gave a solid performance. The camera cuts to Jessica Simpson, who is laughing fakely, looking more beat than a stripper after a Duke lacrosse party in contrast to Xtina’s new Bettie Page-meets-Marilyn Monroe look. You can just see Jessica saying “I hate that bitch” with her eyes.
10:24-Steve Carrell wins for “Best Comedic Performance,” and thanks Jonas Salk in his acceptance speech for his efforts at developing a vaccine against a certain sexy neurotropic picornavirus that was paralyzing stupid kids left and right 50 years ago. Yes! Shout out to polio! My lab's O.G. virus is STILL RELEVANT! Take that, measles, mumps, and rubella!
10:30-Spike Lee gets a lifetime achievement award for Do the Right Thing. Well, actually, it’s the “Silver Bucket of Excellence” award. L.L. Cool J credits him with being the best black man ever since Dr. MLK, Jr. Upon taking the stage to accept the award, Spike’s first order of business is comparing the silver bucket trophy to the Stanley Cup. Nothing screams “black power” like referencing hockey. He then credits Public Enemy for his success, sending Flavor Flav into a “Flay-vor FLAV”-ing frenzy.
10:40-Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock come out to promote their new movie The Lake House (which looks about as enjoyable as a herpes outbreak) and remind everyone that they were in Speed together. This in turn reminds me that I hated them then, and I hate them now. Their forced banter makes me want to put a plastic bag over my head and tie it tight. Then they present the award for "Best Onscreen Team," and I am outraged when Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn beat Harry, Ron, and Hermione for this honor. They fought He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named...Lord Fucking Voldemort, for Chrissake! All Vince and Owen did was show up and act like Vince and Owen. This is the biggest bullshit I've seen since Super Bowl XL.
10:43-Jessica Simpson's dress is HIDEOUS. She looks like she got dressed in some dirty hippie's stank wall tapestry and cinched it with a backward-facing weight-lifting belt. I'm relieved when she finally introduces AFI, so that I no longer have to look at her any longer lest my eyes melt out of their sockets. At least her stank sister doesn't seem to be in attendance.
10:44-To the lead singer of AFI: dude, lay off the blue eyeshadow. You look like the bastard spawn of Anthony Kiedis and Dame Edna.
10:52-Rosario Dawson comes out with Ludacris to present the award for "Best Frightened Performance," and is introduced as "the star of Clerks 2." Isn't that bitch getting better work than THAT? Clerks 2?!
10:55-Will Ferrell presents the "MTV Generation" award to Jim Carrey. Ferrell states that on the basis of his performance in Ace Ventura:Pet Detective, Carrey "makes Thomas Jefferson look like a big fat asshole."
11:09-Who gives a flying sideways reverse cowgirl fuck about the "Student Film Award"? Move on, MTV! I'm getting bored!
11:10-Samuel L. Jackson shows up to give the "Best Movie" award and then guarantees that his upcoming summer film Snakes on a Plane will win the same award next year: "No MO-vie shall triumph over Snakes on a Plane unless I DE-cide to make a movie called Mo Mothafuckin Snakes on Another Mothafuckin Plane!" Scenes from the nominated films (Sin City, King Kong, Wedding Crashers, Batman Begins) are then shown to the tune of Bubba Sparxx's "Ms. New Booty." Wedding Crashers wins.
11:14-Jessica Alba wishes everyone good night, then tells the kids to follow their dreams and they might one day end up following in the hallowed footsteps of her, Lindsay Lohan, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Kirsten Dunst: hosting the MTV Movie Awards.
Fucking awesome.
9:00-The show kicks off with a stupid skit, featuring Topher Grace (who I always think is Tobey McGuire...I was convinced that's who this was for the first several minutes) threatening Flavor Flav with a squirt gun of piss. The only good thing about this was that Flavor Flav has duct tape over his mouth, thus preventing a view of his cheap-ass grill and him shouting "Yeeah, boyyyyyyy!" incessantly. How this makes us excited to see Jessica Alba's opening monologue (involving a series of lame jokes about how she's the most downloaded woman on the internet) is beyond me.
9:10-Christian Bale gets the award for "Best Hero" for his performance in the INSANELY boring Batman Begins. I don't care about the award, though, because Christian Bale may be one of the hottest guys on the planet. Tall, built, sporting a sexualicious Welsh accent...the only thing unattractive about him is the fact that he's married.
9:21 p.m.-Colin Farrell and Jamie Smarmy Bitch Foxx show up to present the "Best Fight" award/plug Miami Vice. Camera cuts to rumored one-time Colin Farrell lay Rosario Dawson, applauding wildly. Clearly the rumors are true, and I don't blame her. Colin Farrell is FUCKING HOT. Unfortunately, his good looks are ruined by Jamie Foxx next to him attempting to act ghetto "Who wants-a fight me? Oh lawdy, Jessica Simpson gon' get all gangsta!" Then he makes a bad Nick Lachey joke. God, what a tool. And he has a dent in the back of his head. Where is R. Kelly to serve this asshole a hot slice of humility?
9:30 p.m.-Thank God, Justin Timberlake has a new album coming out next year. FINALLY. I've been dying from more lyrics like those on his previous brilliant contribution, Justified. He and Eva Mendes make some tired "ranch hand job" jokes about Brokeback Mountain while guffawing like a pair of hyenas. The camera cuts to Jake Gyllenhaal giggling awkwardly about their borderline offensively homophobic fag jokes. However, they are redeemed when they present Jake and Heath with the "Best Kiss" award. Justin shrugs and says, "It's the fellas." Jake is clearly delighted to finally accept an award after being totally shafted during the serious award shows, since Heath got all the praise for being the top. Heath isn't at the show, and they don't even bother with giving him a video clip to say thanks, so it's Jake's night to shine.
9:34 p.m.-Jimmy Fallon shows up in full Da Vinci Code Tom Hanks overgelled professor mullet to help Jessica Alba desperately struggle through carrying the viewers' interest. Good thing she's hot, because otherwise this shit would be entirely unwatchable. Once Andy Dick shows up playing the self-flagellating murderous albino monk, I decide that this skit sucks. I go take a piss.
9:41-Ali G shows up to mock Kazakhstanians everywhere. He is funny, and I laugh out loud: "Good evening, gentlemans and prostitutes. But I love the movies of Hollywood. Jessica Simpsons, you were great in the Lords of Hazzards. You have beautiful mouth. I could see it through your denim shorts."
9:45-Gnarls Barkley performs dressed as Darth Vader, minus the helmet. Finally Darth is actually portrayed as the mammoth black man he's always sounded like. Except Gnarls doesn't sound like James Earl Jones at all. Weird and incongruous.
9:55-Hayden Christensen gets the "Best Villain" award, and what a skinny, effete hipster bitch he is! Gnarls Barkley wore that Darth Vader suit better than Hayden Christensen ever did. He's dressed like a horrid cross between Lance Bass and the sailor from the Village People. He is rocking a gold sailor-braid trimmed trucker hat! He must have called his stylist and said, “Dress me in whatever you’d like, so long as it involves a pair of bedazzled True Religion jeans and makes me look like I got dressed in a very dark, very gay closet.” Like the one he lives in.
10:00-And speaking of leading men on the down low, Jake Gyllenhaal is cleaning up with the “Best Performance” award. Take that, Heath! I mean, Heath got all the critical recognition (the Best Actor Oscar nod, the Golden Globe and whatnot), but MTV’s audience doesn’t even seem to care that Heath Ledger is nowhere to be found. Tonight is Jake's night, and he doesn't even have any of his ugly girlfriends around to cockblock him with the fellas.
10:05-Famke Janssen and Rebecca Romijn nee Stamos threaten to strip and paint each other. Not that Famke needs it with that overdone Mystic Tan. Seriously, lay off the fake-and-bake, girl, you look like a candied yam! And her dress looks like something Martin Lawrence would have donned in Big Momma's House. Jessica Alba gets the award for "Sexiest Performance" in Sin City. An easy win, considering she was up against Rob Schneider in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo! That's like sticking some tweeker's paint-by-number of the late Dale Earnhardt next to the Mona Lisa and asking which is the more valuable piece of art. Come on! This isn't even a contest.
10:09-ANOTHER piece of Jessica Alba sketch comedy? That bitch might be ridiculously hot, but she can’t act worth shit, and her attempts at comedy are worse than Britney Spears’s attempts at dieting. She certainly can’t pull off being King Kong's drunken negligee-wearing realtor. Yes, that was the premise of the skit. She didn't make it convincing.
10:12-OH MY GOD, IT’S T.I.! Cue the “What You Know” entrance music! T.I. is scowlingly hot-hot-HOT as usual, and there’s no one standing next to him, so you can’t tell how short he is. However, mothefucker needs to learn how to enunciate! His introduction to Christina Aguilera’s performance sounds like, “Yeeeah, mumble mumble Bankhead! Mumble mumble mumble Steenagalaa. Putcho' hands up.”
10:13-Enter Xtina, who looks great, albeit with just a hint of trannishness. I also kind of like her song. Well, I don’t hate it, so that’s saying something. You go girl!
10:17-The crowd loves Christina, as they should. She sang and danced her gorgeous ass off, and generally gave a solid performance. The camera cuts to Jessica Simpson, who is laughing fakely, looking more beat than a stripper after a Duke lacrosse party in contrast to Xtina’s new Bettie Page-meets-Marilyn Monroe look. You can just see Jessica saying “I hate that bitch” with her eyes.
10:24-Steve Carrell wins for “Best Comedic Performance,” and thanks Jonas Salk in his acceptance speech for his efforts at developing a vaccine against a certain sexy neurotropic picornavirus that was paralyzing stupid kids left and right 50 years ago. Yes! Shout out to polio! My lab's O.G. virus is STILL RELEVANT! Take that, measles, mumps, and rubella!
10:30-Spike Lee gets a lifetime achievement award for Do the Right Thing. Well, actually, it’s the “Silver Bucket of Excellence” award. L.L. Cool J credits him with being the best black man ever since Dr. MLK, Jr. Upon taking the stage to accept the award, Spike’s first order of business is comparing the silver bucket trophy to the Stanley Cup. Nothing screams “black power” like referencing hockey. He then credits Public Enemy for his success, sending Flavor Flav into a “Flay-vor FLAV”-ing frenzy.
10:40-Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock come out to promote their new movie The Lake House (which looks about as enjoyable as a herpes outbreak) and remind everyone that they were in Speed together. This in turn reminds me that I hated them then, and I hate them now. Their forced banter makes me want to put a plastic bag over my head and tie it tight. Then they present the award for "Best Onscreen Team," and I am outraged when Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn beat Harry, Ron, and Hermione for this honor. They fought He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named...Lord Fucking Voldemort, for Chrissake! All Vince and Owen did was show up and act like Vince and Owen. This is the biggest bullshit I've seen since Super Bowl XL.
10:43-Jessica Simpson's dress is HIDEOUS. She looks like she got dressed in some dirty hippie's stank wall tapestry and cinched it with a backward-facing weight-lifting belt. I'm relieved when she finally introduces AFI, so that I no longer have to look at her any longer lest my eyes melt out of their sockets. At least her stank sister doesn't seem to be in attendance.
10:44-To the lead singer of AFI: dude, lay off the blue eyeshadow. You look like the bastard spawn of Anthony Kiedis and Dame Edna.
10:52-Rosario Dawson comes out with Ludacris to present the award for "Best Frightened Performance," and is introduced as "the star of Clerks 2." Isn't that bitch getting better work than THAT? Clerks 2?!
10:55-Will Ferrell presents the "MTV Generation" award to Jim Carrey. Ferrell states that on the basis of his performance in Ace Ventura:Pet Detective, Carrey "makes Thomas Jefferson look like a big fat asshole."
11:09-Who gives a flying sideways reverse cowgirl fuck about the "Student Film Award"? Move on, MTV! I'm getting bored!
11:10-Samuel L. Jackson shows up to give the "Best Movie" award and then guarantees that his upcoming summer film Snakes on a Plane will win the same award next year: "No MO-vie shall triumph over Snakes on a Plane unless I DE-cide to make a movie called Mo Mothafuckin Snakes on Another Mothafuckin Plane!" Scenes from the nominated films (Sin City, King Kong, Wedding Crashers, Batman Begins) are then shown to the tune of Bubba Sparxx's "Ms. New Booty." Wedding Crashers wins.
11:14-Jessica Alba wishes everyone good night, then tells the kids to follow their dreams and they might one day end up following in the hallowed footsteps of her, Lindsay Lohan, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Kirsten Dunst: hosting the MTV Movie Awards.
Fucking awesome.
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