Thursday, July 27, 2006
My anniversary
I realized last night after returning from having a few Vitamin Rs at the totally awesome Roadhouse Tavern with MillerTime that I had almost forgotten it was July 26th. July 26th is a very important day in my life. Why? Because July 26th, 1995, I lost my virginity (with a guy).
As you might imagine, I wanted to make sure that my first time was just as special and magical as every girl dreams it should be. And not in the way that bitches in weird third-world countries where their grandma runs outside showing everyone the bloody sheets from their marriage bed imagine it, but in the way that it DOESN'T HURT LIKE HELL. Therefore, I made sure to get good and drunk beforehand.
I was at my best friend from high school G-Boner's mom's house. She lives on a farm out in a town called Orting (not just a town, it's also a verb!) Orting is famous because it's going to be the first town wiped from the face of the earth when our local volcano Mt. Rainier blows up and inundates it with boiling lahars. I was 16, and fresh off my recent and extremely unfortunate forays into girl-on-girl fingerbanging. G-Boner was friends with this guy who had graduated high school the year before we started as freshmen, and he was 5 years older than us. I'll call him Bubba, because that's what his friends called him. He was decidedly unattractive, as his most prominent physical feature was his overgrown monobrow. However, he had one incredibly appealing attribute: he was 21. Therefore, G-Boner invited him over one sultry summer night when her mom was out of town on the condition that he bring two cases of Rainier Ice with him. He gladly obliged, as most upstanding adult men love to bring alcohol to willing idiotic teenage girls. Looking back, it was like something out of a "To Catch a Predator" edition of Dateline, except it was before the advent of instant messaging.
Anyway, he showed up with his other 21-year-old friend who G-Boner had the hots for, and we all started drinking. Then we decided to hit the hot tub, except wait! None of us had swimming suits! So we all went in our skivvies. A few Rainier Ices, and probably a few hits of pot from a Coke can later, and G-Boner and her guy decided to take the party back inside. Bubba and I immediately began making out. He was a *horrible* kisser (ie: one of those guys who roughly licks all over your face but NEVER manages to actually find your mouth), but I didn't care. After breaking up with my high school girlfriend and going through a tortured "I'm suicidal and I write poetry phase", I decided that I needed to turn over a new leaf, and step numero uno was getting the fuck gone with my virginity. I wanted penis, and I wanted it now.
Bubba was obviously willing, and I couldn't have picked a more fortuitous partner, although I didn't realize it at the time. Now that I'm well versed in the types of dicks that most guys are packing, I would characterize his dick as decidedly small and slender. Girthwise, it was equivalent to one of those training "junior-sized" tampons they sell for 12-year-old bitches who have just gotten their periods and are uncomfortable with the prospect of shoving shit wider than a Bic roller ball into their vaginas. It wasn't as bad as Chapstick Dick's, but it was pretty small. Therefore, my goal of losing my virginity with someone who wouldn't hurt me was about to be fully realized, although I did not appreciate this at the time. I just knew that he had a hard dick, and wanted to put it in me, and I saw an easy means to an end.
For some reason I can't remember, I didn't want to do it in the hot tub (I think I'd heard some rumor that this makes you sterile or gives you the clap or something totally absurd like that). So we grabbed a blanket and headed out into the freshly mowed hayfield. I gave him what must have been the most amateurish and clumsy blow job of all time, because afterward he patted my head in an almost paternal way, as if to say, "Aw, shucks, inexperienced hasbian teenage girls do the darndest things." Then I was like, "So...do you want to, um, have sex?"
To his credit, he was like, "Are you sure you want to do that?" I said, "Yes, I'm 100% positive." So I braced myself for what my few devirginized friends and all the literature I'd ever read reported was a painful, bloody experience. I remember not really enjoying it, but being pleasantly surprised how NOT painful it was. In fact, it didn't really feel good (in hindsight, this was due to both his small penis and his abhorrent, piss-poor jackhammering technique), but it didn't feel bad either. I even started to try to get into it, moaning and whatnot, until he blew the whole mood.
"Damn, Razzy," he said. "Your pussy is tight!"
Even back then, deep down inside the asshole I am today was present. I gave him a scornful look, and said, "Well, DUH! I'm a fucking virgin!"
He looked somewhat abashed, and then I felt bad, because I was a teenager not wanting to offend. So then I said, "Well, I guess not anymore!" and laughed. I think he was actually embarrassed to have deflowered me, because after that he was always very shy and respectful around me.
Years later, after I was out of college and living in Tacoma, I ran into him at Magoo's, the bar where all the people from high school you don't want to see converge. I turned to Miss Corbutt, who I was with, and said, "Dude, this is Bubba! The guy who took my virginity!" He blushed BRIGHT red and could barely say another word. It was awesome.
Happy anniversary, Razzy's Deflowered Vagina! It's been one hell of an eleven years since!
As you might imagine, I wanted to make sure that my first time was just as special and magical as every girl dreams it should be. And not in the way that bitches in weird third-world countries where their grandma runs outside showing everyone the bloody sheets from their marriage bed imagine it, but in the way that it DOESN'T HURT LIKE HELL. Therefore, I made sure to get good and drunk beforehand.
I was at my best friend from high school G-Boner's mom's house. She lives on a farm out in a town called Orting (not just a town, it's also a verb!) Orting is famous because it's going to be the first town wiped from the face of the earth when our local volcano Mt. Rainier blows up and inundates it with boiling lahars. I was 16, and fresh off my recent and extremely unfortunate forays into girl-on-girl fingerbanging. G-Boner was friends with this guy who had graduated high school the year before we started as freshmen, and he was 5 years older than us. I'll call him Bubba, because that's what his friends called him. He was decidedly unattractive, as his most prominent physical feature was his overgrown monobrow. However, he had one incredibly appealing attribute: he was 21. Therefore, G-Boner invited him over one sultry summer night when her mom was out of town on the condition that he bring two cases of Rainier Ice with him. He gladly obliged, as most upstanding adult men love to bring alcohol to willing idiotic teenage girls. Looking back, it was like something out of a "To Catch a Predator" edition of Dateline, except it was before the advent of instant messaging.
Anyway, he showed up with his other 21-year-old friend who G-Boner had the hots for, and we all started drinking. Then we decided to hit the hot tub, except wait! None of us had swimming suits! So we all went in our skivvies. A few Rainier Ices, and probably a few hits of pot from a Coke can later, and G-Boner and her guy decided to take the party back inside. Bubba and I immediately began making out. He was a *horrible* kisser (ie: one of those guys who roughly licks all over your face but NEVER manages to actually find your mouth), but I didn't care. After breaking up with my high school girlfriend and going through a tortured "I'm suicidal and I write poetry phase", I decided that I needed to turn over a new leaf, and step numero uno was getting the fuck gone with my virginity. I wanted penis, and I wanted it now.
Bubba was obviously willing, and I couldn't have picked a more fortuitous partner, although I didn't realize it at the time. Now that I'm well versed in the types of dicks that most guys are packing, I would characterize his dick as decidedly small and slender. Girthwise, it was equivalent to one of those training "junior-sized" tampons they sell for 12-year-old bitches who have just gotten their periods and are uncomfortable with the prospect of shoving shit wider than a Bic roller ball into their vaginas. It wasn't as bad as Chapstick Dick's, but it was pretty small. Therefore, my goal of losing my virginity with someone who wouldn't hurt me was about to be fully realized, although I did not appreciate this at the time. I just knew that he had a hard dick, and wanted to put it in me, and I saw an easy means to an end.
For some reason I can't remember, I didn't want to do it in the hot tub (I think I'd heard some rumor that this makes you sterile or gives you the clap or something totally absurd like that). So we grabbed a blanket and headed out into the freshly mowed hayfield. I gave him what must have been the most amateurish and clumsy blow job of all time, because afterward he patted my head in an almost paternal way, as if to say, "Aw, shucks, inexperienced hasbian teenage girls do the darndest things." Then I was like, "So...do you want to, um, have sex?"
To his credit, he was like, "Are you sure you want to do that?" I said, "Yes, I'm 100% positive." So I braced myself for what my few devirginized friends and all the literature I'd ever read reported was a painful, bloody experience. I remember not really enjoying it, but being pleasantly surprised how NOT painful it was. In fact, it didn't really feel good (in hindsight, this was due to both his small penis and his abhorrent, piss-poor jackhammering technique), but it didn't feel bad either. I even started to try to get into it, moaning and whatnot, until he blew the whole mood.
"Damn, Razzy," he said. "Your pussy is tight!"
Even back then, deep down inside the asshole I am today was present. I gave him a scornful look, and said, "Well, DUH! I'm a fucking virgin!"
He looked somewhat abashed, and then I felt bad, because I was a teenager not wanting to offend. So then I said, "Well, I guess not anymore!" and laughed. I think he was actually embarrassed to have deflowered me, because after that he was always very shy and respectful around me.
Years later, after I was out of college and living in Tacoma, I ran into him at Magoo's, the bar where all the people from high school you don't want to see converge. I turned to Miss Corbutt, who I was with, and said, "Dude, this is Bubba! The guy who took my virginity!" He blushed BRIGHT red and could barely say another word. It was awesome.
Happy anniversary, Razzy's Deflowered Vagina! It's been one hell of an eleven years since!
Labels: alcoholism, G-Boner, P-N-Dub, Razzification, sex
Comments:
Links to this post:
<< Home
I think we've all grown a little and find ourselves more complete having read this. You vagina is the center of the known universe Nazzdy.
Post a Comment
# posted by 
: 8/30/2006 12:38 PM
: 8/30/2006 12:38 PM Links to this post:
<< Home
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
