Tuesday, August 08, 2006
America's Next Topless Model: The Short Film
A few months back, my buddies KatieScarlett and BloodyTosser, AKA Kate and Camilla, hired me to model naked for this pretentious nudey website called Uberbelle.com. The guy from Uberbelle never put up my pictures on his site. I may not have been Uberbelle material, being that I am not a sour-faced, emaciated Czechoslovakian teenager, which describes the majority of naked bitches on that site. Also, I think that my irreverent and cheeky replies on my Uberbelle biography questionnaire may have turned off the pompous, self-congratulatory fucktard who penned this welcome message:
"Welcome to Uberbelle.com. Not your father's Erotica. Dedicated to the photography of sexy women. And the innate beauty in the nude form. Uberbelle.com pushes fashion photography into the world of art. Or is it the other way around?"
Whoa, Mr. Uberbelle, you sure turned the tables on your audience! They won't know whether they're looking at pornography or art, and they'll just be confused as to whether they should jerk off or feel patronized. That's an excellent way to sell $9.95 per month memberships. I suppose added incentive is the "Uberlists" section that the Uberbelle website describes as "a nutritious side of pop culture." In these Uberlists, the Uberbelle editorial staff tell everyone what to like, because they're certainly in a position to speak with authority, as they have *impeccable* taste. For example, a man who describes himself as a writer in Kentucky working on a novel about his "self-built family car lot's legacy falling into Faulknerian decline" gives us a scintillating review of a Toad the Wet Sprocket concert. Another idiot who describes himself as a "self-styled pop culture provocateur" begins a review of Green Day's Dookie album with this topic sentence straight out of a junior high book report: "It would be easy to write an essay considering Green Day’s breakthrough record, Dookie, as a pivotal moment in the evolution of modern rock music. The angles are limitless for such an analysis." Not only are these assholes supercilious, inflated peacocks who probably wear boxy glasses and read Sartre to look smart, but I don't need to pay $10 a month to have some prick grace me with a numbingly dull rundown about a CD that everyone in my high school sophomore class had, and then have the audacity to imply that it's an incentive.
Anyway, I don't give a shit if Uberbelle ever puts me up or not, because every time I flip to it, it buries the needle on my moron detector and I still got paid. Plus, it's Uberbelle's loss not putting me up there, because my Alexa ranking is considerably lower than theirs, which means that I get more traffic. As of today, RAZZY.org's Alexa ranking is 193,289. That means I'm the 193,289th most visited site on the internet. It's not that impressive, but Uberbelle's Alexa ranking is 235,136. That means I'm owning Uberbelle traffic-wise to the tune of 41,847 websites. So kiss my ass, Uberbitches!
I still had a lot of fun doing the photo shoot with Kate and Camilla, though, because Kate is one of my best friends and Camilla is extremely cool, and we all got drunk. During the shoot, we got to talking about (one of the best shows in the history of reality television) "America's Next Top Model," and how that dumbass Jade couldn't get her shit together to film a decent commercial for Cover Girl TruBlend powder foundation. Somehow, this ended up in them breaking out the video camera and filming me drunkenly hamming it up, including bongo drumming on my beer belly, can-canning with my tits, and staggering around with a bottle of Heineken acting like an asshole. Apparently this was funny, because they turned it into an entry on their video blog. Behold, Razzy in her native state (topless and intoxicated):
"Welcome to Uberbelle.com. Not your father's Erotica. Dedicated to the photography of sexy women. And the innate beauty in the nude form. Uberbelle.com pushes fashion photography into the world of art. Or is it the other way around?"
Whoa, Mr. Uberbelle, you sure turned the tables on your audience! They won't know whether they're looking at pornography or art, and they'll just be confused as to whether they should jerk off or feel patronized. That's an excellent way to sell $9.95 per month memberships. I suppose added incentive is the "Uberlists" section that the Uberbelle website describes as "a nutritious side of pop culture." In these Uberlists, the Uberbelle editorial staff tell everyone what to like, because they're certainly in a position to speak with authority, as they have *impeccable* taste. For example, a man who describes himself as a writer in Kentucky working on a novel about his "self-built family car lot's legacy falling into Faulknerian decline" gives us a scintillating review of a Toad the Wet Sprocket concert. Another idiot who describes himself as a "self-styled pop culture provocateur" begins a review of Green Day's Dookie album with this topic sentence straight out of a junior high book report: "It would be easy to write an essay considering Green Day’s breakthrough record, Dookie, as a pivotal moment in the evolution of modern rock music. The angles are limitless for such an analysis." Not only are these assholes supercilious, inflated peacocks who probably wear boxy glasses and read Sartre to look smart, but I don't need to pay $10 a month to have some prick grace me with a numbingly dull rundown about a CD that everyone in my high school sophomore class had, and then have the audacity to imply that it's an incentive.
Anyway, I don't give a shit if Uberbelle ever puts me up or not, because every time I flip to it, it buries the needle on my moron detector and I still got paid. Plus, it's Uberbelle's loss not putting me up there, because my Alexa ranking is considerably lower than theirs, which means that I get more traffic. As of today, RAZZY.org's Alexa ranking is 193,289. That means I'm the 193,289th most visited site on the internet. It's not that impressive, but Uberbelle's Alexa ranking is 235,136. That means I'm owning Uberbelle traffic-wise to the tune of 41,847 websites. So kiss my ass, Uberbitches!
I still had a lot of fun doing the photo shoot with Kate and Camilla, though, because Kate is one of my best friends and Camilla is extremely cool, and we all got drunk. During the shoot, we got to talking about (one of the best shows in the history of reality television) "America's Next Top Model," and how that dumbass Jade couldn't get her shit together to film a decent commercial for Cover Girl TruBlend powder foundation. Somehow, this ended up in them breaking out the video camera and filming me drunkenly hamming it up, including bongo drumming on my beer belly, can-canning with my tits, and staggering around with a bottle of Heineken acting like an asshole. Apparently this was funny, because they turned it into an entry on their video blog. Behold, Razzy in her native state (topless and intoxicated):
Labels: alcoholism, America's Next Top Model, BloodyTosser, creative projects, KatieScarlett, nudity, Razzification
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The video is Flash-based, so it can't be saved. Their download link is broken. Schade.
Thanks for sharing Razzters!
Thanks for sharing Razzters!
Thank God it can't be saved, you perv!! Don't need retards like you wacking off to it on a daily basis!
# posted by 
: 8/09/2006 6:32 PM
: 8/09/2006 6:32 PM
Listen you anonymous deuche- I had no intentions of keeping it, much less wanking off to it: I prefer the real thing and have no problem in that department... but I thought I could use Quicktime Pro to save it to a .mpg format so Razzters could post it a different way straight on her blog... but you know, why am I explaining myself to you? Fuck off.
"Razzters"? Have you noticed that she has NEVER replied to any of your comments? Even when you support her? Know why? Because she thinks you're a stalker. And she's right. Anyone who has one-way conversations with webmasters, makes overt sexual ovatures to them, and employs arty, hippster, black-and-white photos of themsevles is creepy.
# posted by : 8/09/2006 6:54 PM
: 8/09/2006 6:54 PM
I'm with rhw other Anonymi on this one. I find you very creepy. You keep posting, hoping that Razzy will reply. But she doesn't. And then you make up knick-names for her, which I'm sure she finds scary. Not to mention you look like the byproduct of a steamy night of one-on-one gay sex (to include "Docking" and "Feltcing") between Eddie Munster and Bruce Lee. If two men could procreate, that is.
# posted by : 8/09/2006 7:00 PM
: 8/09/2006 7:00 PM
I post in several people's blogs: and I don't expect a single response from any of them: I do it because I want people to know I appreciate their humor/art/ideas etc. And I make up names for whomever I want... and if Razzy had any problems with any of my posts, I am sure she would have no qualms letting me know about it.. and as for your childish insults... sigh: the lowest, most base common denominator between people such as yourselves is that you assume straight people will find any kind of stupidly-implied association wiith homosexuality offensive: I am neither offended, nor surprised at your attemp at insulting me. You are simply inconsequential at this point. Oh, and at least have the decency to show you you are: I am sure Razzy would looove to know who her upright, devensive, powerful and highly-intellegent protectors are. Done.
"Razzter" sure is lucky to have loyal "devenders" who are so "highly-intellegent." Are you illiterate as well as scary?
# posted by : 8/09/2006 9:49 PM
: 8/09/2006 9:49 PM
For the record, I do hate being called "Razzster." That's a nickname reminiscent of an eight-year-old boy with a Tonka truck. Razzster sounds like a character in a Hardy Boys book.
That said, though, I enjoy fans and comment pages thriving with bitchery not generated by myself. Keep up the good work, people.
That said, though, I enjoy fans and comment pages thriving with bitchery not generated by myself. Keep up the good work, people.
Razzy: I'm sorry, you should have said something about "Razzters." Apologies, but how was I supposed to know it bothered you? I meant no harm, ok? I'll never use it again. By the way, I was the one who linked to this limerick:
http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=14391589&postID=114778103400825481
back in May. So yeah, I've played the quasi-anonynmous game too... Scheisse.
Adios, Chica.
e.
http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=14391589&postID=114778103400825481
back in May. So yeah, I've played the quasi-anonynmous game too... Scheisse.
Adios, Chica.
e.
Oh SHIT! Creepsters got put in his place! He'll probably dim the lights, put on a Cure record, and take pictures of rotting fruit while cutting himself (just a little). BIIIIIITTTTTCCHHHH. BWAHAHAHAHAHAH. ha.
# posted by : 8/10/2006 12:02 AM
: 8/10/2006 12:02 AM
"(T)he lowest, most base common denominator among people such as yourselves"? Go ahead, say what you meant - you meant "you people", didn't you? You racist prick! Razzy won't stand for that kind of intollerance - she's from Harlem, you know. You should be banned!
# posted by : 8/10/2006 12:16 AM
: 8/10/2006 12:16 AM
Yeah, fellow Anonymous! I caught that "you people" inuendo, too. Hey Creepzzter, why don't you shove that camera up your ass, you kiddie toucher! How dare you be so insensative!
# posted by : 8/10/2006 12:18 AM
: 8/10/2006 12:18 AM
I bet your portfolio is overwhelmingly pictures of kids on swingsets and see-saws. You claim they symbolize "innocence", but we know better.
# posted by : 8/10/2006 12:19 AM
: 8/10/2006 12:19 AM
Don't worry about the "Razzter" thing, it's not something I lost sleep about. My skin is thick enough to tolerate being told that I'm "always the cum dumpster, never the bride" and "I hope u get herrpes u hore," so whatever. Don't apologize for what you write. If I started doing that, this whole fucking blog would be one act of contrition after the next.
And no offense, Edward, but this entire comment thread is hilarious.
And no offense, Edward, but this entire comment thread is hilarious.
Just ignore the haters. There seem to be a lot of them posting on this blog and its hardly suprising they got tired of picking on razzy and moved on to her fans.
# posted by : 8/10/2006 11:13 AM
: 8/10/2006 11:13 AM
Don't believe her, Creepsster. She DOES loes sleep over it. It goes something like this.
2200: Try to lie down after making sure all three locks on doors have been secured, as well as all windows.
2215: Hears a noise in the kitchen, sits bolt upright clutching the .38 snub she now sleeps with under her pillow. Tells Ceaser to "kill". Ceaser hides under bed. Must investigate herself. Turns out to be a mouse.
2318: Has fitful dreams about creepy Eddie Munster-look-a-likes hiding in closests and under couches. Awakes in a cold sweat
0330: Next door neighbor is blaring "Disintegration" from the next room. Alarms Razzy, as she has always assumed this is what you would play as you tied her to a chair in preperation for the tea party you had planned for her and three of you closest stuffed animals.
0700: Awakes from a light sleep, worn out and tired, ready to face another day of looking behind her back on the Subway and asking colleagues to walk her to Starbucks at lunchtime.
Creepster, leave this place before you ruin this poor girl's life.
2200: Try to lie down after making sure all three locks on doors have been secured, as well as all windows.
2215: Hears a noise in the kitchen, sits bolt upright clutching the .38 snub she now sleeps with under her pillow. Tells Ceaser to "kill". Ceaser hides under bed. Must investigate herself. Turns out to be a mouse.
2318: Has fitful dreams about creepy Eddie Munster-look-a-likes hiding in closests and under couches. Awakes in a cold sweat
0330: Next door neighbor is blaring "Disintegration" from the next room. Alarms Razzy, as she has always assumed this is what you would play as you tied her to a chair in preperation for the tea party you had planned for her and three of you closest stuffed animals.
0700: Awakes from a light sleep, worn out and tired, ready to face another day of looking behind her back on the Subway and asking colleagues to walk her to Starbucks at lunchtime.
Creepster, leave this place before you ruin this poor girl's life.
# posted by : 8/10/2006 3:12 PM
: 8/10/2006 3:12 PM
awwwww, is poor razzy afraid that shes got stalkers after writing about how shes a whore spreading her legs and probably at least 10 stds everywhere? its called karma you slut bitch. enjoy
# posted by : 8/10/2006 4:41 PM
: 8/10/2006 4:41 PM
hey edward, like your picture, like your name and like your comments. keep it coming. another thing, i'm not computer savy, but how does one enter your website?
# posted by : 8/10/2006 5:00 PM
: 8/10/2006 5:00 PM
No need to go to his website. Here are some choice selections:
"My name is Hector Roberts. If you know me: good to see you. If you don't, great to meet you. I am in my late twenties and have been treated well by this life... I have had much love and a few kicks in the shins but over all I have no regrets. I am originally from San Diego, born and raised. I attended college at the University of San Diego and now reside in the midwest, in the good ol' USA. My formative years were very much influenced by reading and I still hold literature, books and learning as a very important part of my life... I have been to Europe, Mexico and loved it all. My love for photography, my job, my beautiful girlfriend I have yet to find and now this Podcast and website project keep me very busy... but it is all worth it. Make sure that you write me with feedback: positive or negative. I would be very grateful. This is my first website, so please tell me what you think about it... give me your thoughts about the images as well. Please visit often as I plan to update the site on a regular basis. Thank you for stopping by and I wish you the best of days.
I consider myself a progressive in social and political views. I believe that the word "liberal" is not suitable for our sietz-im-liebe... the only thing that I am in liberal with is my Love... and money if I have extra (which is very seldom). Equally, the word "conservative" can be very contradictory... there is nothing conservative about the way our tax dollars are being spent recently in armed conflicts half a world away...
Anyway; I promise not to get on my soap box too often... but there are some things that I just have to get off my chest. It is a very tumultous world we live in. We MUST be aware. So many people are on this ship, sailing in the most turbulent storm in recent human memory... and they pretend to sleep in the hold instead of being above where they can actully make a difference... I can make the weirdest analogies at times... strange."
DDDDDDEEEEEUUUUUUCHHHHHHHEEEEEEE
"My name is Hector Roberts. If you know me: good to see you. If you don't, great to meet you. I am in my late twenties and have been treated well by this life... I have had much love and a few kicks in the shins but over all I have no regrets. I am originally from San Diego, born and raised. I attended college at the University of San Diego and now reside in the midwest, in the good ol' USA. My formative years were very much influenced by reading and I still hold literature, books and learning as a very important part of my life... I have been to Europe, Mexico and loved it all. My love for photography, my job, my beautiful girlfriend I have yet to find and now this Podcast and website project keep me very busy... but it is all worth it. Make sure that you write me with feedback: positive or negative. I would be very grateful. This is my first website, so please tell me what you think about it... give me your thoughts about the images as well. Please visit often as I plan to update the site on a regular basis. Thank you for stopping by and I wish you the best of days.
I consider myself a progressive in social and political views. I believe that the word "liberal" is not suitable for our sietz-im-liebe... the only thing that I am in liberal with is my Love... and money if I have extra (which is very seldom). Equally, the word "conservative" can be very contradictory... there is nothing conservative about the way our tax dollars are being spent recently in armed conflicts half a world away...
Anyway; I promise not to get on my soap box too often... but there are some things that I just have to get off my chest. It is a very tumultous world we live in. We MUST be aware. So many people are on this ship, sailing in the most turbulent storm in recent human memory... and they pretend to sleep in the hold instead of being above where they can actully make a difference... I can make the weirdest analogies at times... strange."
DDDDDDEEEEEUUUUUUCHHHHHHHEEEEEEE
# posted by : 8/10/2006 8:19 PM
: 8/10/2006 8:19 PM
ok, i see your point about the writing, but he still seems sweet and harmless...
# posted by : 8/10/2006 8:49 PM
: 8/10/2006 8:49 PM
This has been bothering me for a while now. "Deuche" is not a word. If you are looking for the word that is French for "shower" and here in the States means vinegar-based vagina cleaners, the proper spelling is "douche."
"sweet and harmless" as a serial killer! haven't you ever watched tv? it's ALWAYS the quiet ones who are the real sickos.
# posted by : 8/11/2006 12:37 PM
: 8/11/2006 12:37 PM
"Anyway, I don't give a shit if Uberbelle ever puts me up or not, because every time I flip to it, it buries the needle on my moron detector and I still got paid."
So you're deemed unworthy of morondom. Interesting. It's nice you don't care.
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So you're deemed unworthy of morondom. Interesting. It's nice you don't care.
# posted by : 8/31/2006 3:24 PM
: 8/31/2006 3:24 PM Links to this post:
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