Thursday, August 03, 2006
The official snack of hip-hop
Last night, I was having beers with my old high school buddies Mullah AntoniHo, Morrissey'sHair, and Sexxica at some bar in Seattle. Upon realizing that this particular bar was cash only, Morrissey'sHair ran across the street to hit the ATM at what appeared to be a snotty Seattle convenience store (ie: Mullah AntoniHo told me they have a ridiculous wine selection). He took a long time, and the rest of us were wondering what was keeping him. When he returned, he had a couple bags of chips with him. However, he was quick to point out that these weren't just ANY chips...they were certifiably the most pimpinest chips I've ever seen. I give you RAP SNACKS:
Morrissey'sHair gave me the YoungBloodZ Southern Crunk Barbeque flavor so that I might "get crunk," while he took the allegedly "extra hot" Murphy Lee Red Hot Ripletts flavor, presumably to enhance his "pimp education." He explained that he'd chosen these flavors over the other Rap Snacks offerings, including Lil' Romeo Bar-B-Qin Wit My Honey flavor and Master P Platinum Bar-B-Q. I assume that the store didn't have the line of Chopper (as in that hideously unattractive guy from MTV's "Making the Band 2" who was always pissing off Puff Daddy with his argumentative attitude and indolent work ethic) pork rinds that the Rap Snacks website also sells. I suppose that Ham-'n-Cheese or Hot Sauce flavored pork rinds don't suit the average soy latte drinking Seattlite's palate. Although the Rap Snacks line appears to depend exclusively on its consumers' ability to discriminate between different shades of barbecue, it has apparently been around since 1994 promoting a rotating cast of rappers and flavors (which explains now-retired flavors such as Warren G Cheezie Nacho, Mack 10 Red Hot Cheddar Cheese, and Big Tymers Sour Cream and Dill.) We could find very little difference in the subtleties of the barbecue flavors between the YoungBloodZ and Murphy Lizzle, except that the former was slightly more vinegary, and the latter slightly more spicy and ridged.
We were reading the biographies of the YoungBloodZ and Murphy Lizzle on the back of our Rap Snacks bags, and I found approximately 15 spelling and punctuation errors. At the Rap Snacks website today, I learned that the mission of the Rap Snacks brand is to encourage consumers in urban markets to pursue education and literacy. Certainly this a noble and positive message, but I would advise the Rap Snacks marketing department to HIT FUCKING F7 AND SPELL CHECK THAT SHIT before they decide to sell them nationally.
Unfortunately, the Rap Snacks were kind of gross, and we didn't particularly want to devour an entire bag of them, so we left them outside for some homeless people to enjoy next to the decorative tile of parasitic fungi that seem to decorate every street corner on Eastlake Ave. But next time you're cruising by your local bodega, I highly recommend checking the snack aisle for some Rap Snacks, just because they're an awesome concept, and because as they say, they are "the official snack of hip hop." Get crunk!
Morrissey'sHair gave me the YoungBloodZ Southern Crunk Barbeque flavor so that I might "get crunk," while he took the allegedly "extra hot" Murphy Lee Red Hot Ripletts flavor, presumably to enhance his "pimp education." He explained that he'd chosen these flavors over the other Rap Snacks offerings, including Lil' Romeo Bar-B-Qin Wit My Honey flavor and Master P Platinum Bar-B-Q. I assume that the store didn't have the line of Chopper (as in that hideously unattractive guy from MTV's "Making the Band 2" who was always pissing off Puff Daddy with his argumentative attitude and indolent work ethic) pork rinds that the Rap Snacks website also sells. I suppose that Ham-'n-Cheese or Hot Sauce flavored pork rinds don't suit the average soy latte drinking Seattlite's palate. Although the Rap Snacks line appears to depend exclusively on its consumers' ability to discriminate between different shades of barbecue, it has apparently been around since 1994 promoting a rotating cast of rappers and flavors (which explains now-retired flavors such as Warren G Cheezie Nacho, Mack 10 Red Hot Cheddar Cheese, and Big Tymers Sour Cream and Dill.) We could find very little difference in the subtleties of the barbecue flavors between the YoungBloodZ and Murphy Lizzle, except that the former was slightly more vinegary, and the latter slightly more spicy and ridged.
We were reading the biographies of the YoungBloodZ and Murphy Lizzle on the back of our Rap Snacks bags, and I found approximately 15 spelling and punctuation errors. At the Rap Snacks website today, I learned that the mission of the Rap Snacks brand is to encourage consumers in urban markets to pursue education and literacy. Certainly this a noble and positive message, but I would advise the Rap Snacks marketing department to HIT FUCKING F7 AND SPELL CHECK THAT SHIT before they decide to sell them nationally.
Unfortunately, the Rap Snacks were kind of gross, and we didn't particularly want to devour an entire bag of them, so we left them outside for some homeless people to enjoy next to the decorative tile of parasitic fungi that seem to decorate every street corner on Eastlake Ave. But next time you're cruising by your local bodega, I highly recommend checking the snack aisle for some Rap Snacks, just because they're an awesome concept, and because as they say, they are "the official snack of hip hop." Get crunk!
Labels: Dirrty Dirrty, gluttony, Morrissey'sHair, Mullah AntoniHo, P-N-Dub, rap, ridiculous absurdity
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