Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: Chingy!
Chingy! has done some pretty disgusting things in the past. I've previously detailed his nastiness (along with his disrespectful attitude, scorn for authority, indolence, and misogyny), but in case you're new to RAZZY.org, let me briefly summarize:
-Horrible breath
-Stank schmegma accumulating in his face wrinkles
-Copious production of vision-obstructing eye mucus
-Habitually fellates himself
-Frequently displays his lipstick (slimy and disgusting dog penis)
-Room-clearing silent dog farts that smell like hell itself
-Ejaculates in common spaces (although fortunately that's subsided post-neutering)
-A starkly exposed asshole reminiscent of this:
(That's the Eye of Sauron atop the dread Tower of Barad-Dur in the fell land of Mordor where the shadows lie, for those of you who don't get your rocks off watching Lord of the Rings movies over and over and over again).
Anyway, you get the idea. Chingy!, despite being so ugly that he's impossibly cute and deftly wielding his heart-melting affection like a samurai sword, is one revolting little puglet. He's pulled some heinous stunts in the past that made me cringe. I've come home to find him chewing on a dirty gym sock like it was a Tootsie Roll. Another time he was sitting on Katie Scarlett's lap while she petted him. When he jumped off her lap, she looked down and suddenly got a strange look on her face. When I inquired about the cause of her facial expression, she informed me that Chingy! had just left a "starfish" stamp on her white pants. On another occasion, he got a used tampon out of the bathroom garbage and devoured it. I discovered this because he vomited the intact used tampon onto the floor in front of me.
Recently his sickening habits have gone from bad to considerably worse. A couple months ago, we were at the park, and he disappeared behind a tree. I investigated, and found him chewing on something. I grabbed his lower jaw and fished out the item, and discovered that it was the rotting leg of a decomposing squirrel corpse he had unearthed. I silently thanked myself for keeping up to date on his rabies shots and other immunizations.
A few weeks later, I saw him chewing on something in the park, and, bracing myself for another decaying organ from a dead feral rodent, realized it was even more heinous. It was a turd. And not just a dog turd...Chingy! has no interest in those. It was human. I'm no shit connoisseur, but I worked in a facility where they kept dogs for medical research and I've had dogs all my life. Dog shit has a distinct dog shit smell, and THIS piece of shit did not smell like that. It smelled like a full honey bucket that had been sweltering in direct summer sun all day. I was horrified, and spent the rest of the day wondering if dogs can get hepatitis.
I was puzzled, as Chingy! had never previously indicated that he was a cacophage. I resolved to keep a closer eye on him when letting him ramble around the wilds of St. Nicholas Park off-leash. It's hard to do that, though, because when we go to the park, I'm predominantly occupied by Caesar's insatiable desire to chase sticks. Since Caesar is a big dog, and needs to run around, I have to throw an adequate number of sticks to get him good and tired. As Chingy! doesn't do well in the summer heat, he is the rate-limiting factor on our walks, so I have to ensure that Caesar gets the most exercise/stick-chasing while Chingy! is still upright. Therefore, sometimes Chingy! wanders off in his quest for new weeds to piss on.
This morning, I saw that Chingy! was spending an awful lot of time at the base of this tree. This particular tree is a favorite of the homeless people that like to sleep in the park. Once I was running around with the dogs as usual, and this vagrant just dropped out of the tree right behind me, startling me. He didn't pay any attention to me whatsoever. He just yawned and stretched, then ambled off, probably to dig breakfast out of the garbage cans near the playground, where people barbecue every night during the summer. Anyway, Chingy! was lingering by the tree favored by the Indigent Family Robinson, so I went to see what was going on, and now I deeply regret that I did.
I stumbled upon what is verifiably the grossest, most repulsive thing I've EVER seen Chingy!--or any dog, for that matter--doing. There was a puddle of homeless guy diarrhea at the base of the tree, and Chingy! was lapping it up like it was molten chocolate, wagging his question mark gleefully as if this was the greatest thing he'd ever done.
"CHIN CHIN!" I shouted, using his given name to indicate that he was REALLY in trouble and grabbing his collar to pull him away. "NO! Bad dog! BAD!" I wagged my finger in his face and scowled at him. He looked up at me with an expression that plainly said, "Chongay CHONG?!", which is Ching!ese for "What's your fucking problem?" Then he gave me one of his characteristic indignant sneezes and trotted arrogantly away. I ran after him and leashed him, then proceeded to continue my "BAD DOG! BAD TO EAT SHIT! BAD!" lecture, which he naturally ignored and tried to LICK ME. I leaped away from him like he was a spider, not wanting to get even a trace of liquid bum shit on me. I then leashed Caesar (who gave me an exasperated look like, "Is that fat little motherfucker stick-blocking me again?") and we went home, where I threw Chingy! into the bathtub and washed his muzzle vigorously, which he HATED. "That's what happens when you drink diarrhea!" I scolded him. He just looked at me pathetically and, I'm certain, did not learn his lesson.
If I ever get to meet Cesar Millan, host of the "Dog Whisperer" show on the National Geographic channel, I'm going to ask him what to do about a dog who goes out of his way to consume disgusting and biohazardous material, because I've never seen that covered on his show. In the meantime, if I am stricken with some rare bloodborne disease common only among the homeless, you all know who to blame. Chongay motherfucking chong.
-Horrible breath
-Stank schmegma accumulating in his face wrinkles
-Copious production of vision-obstructing eye mucus
-Habitually fellates himself
-Frequently displays his lipstick (slimy and disgusting dog penis)
-Room-clearing silent dog farts that smell like hell itself
-Ejaculates in common spaces (although fortunately that's subsided post-neutering)
-A starkly exposed asshole reminiscent of this:
(That's the Eye of Sauron atop the dread Tower of Barad-Dur in the fell land of Mordor where the shadows lie, for those of you who don't get your rocks off watching Lord of the Rings movies over and over and over again).
Anyway, you get the idea. Chingy!, despite being so ugly that he's impossibly cute and deftly wielding his heart-melting affection like a samurai sword, is one revolting little puglet. He's pulled some heinous stunts in the past that made me cringe. I've come home to find him chewing on a dirty gym sock like it was a Tootsie Roll. Another time he was sitting on Katie Scarlett's lap while she petted him. When he jumped off her lap, she looked down and suddenly got a strange look on her face. When I inquired about the cause of her facial expression, she informed me that Chingy! had just left a "starfish" stamp on her white pants. On another occasion, he got a used tampon out of the bathroom garbage and devoured it. I discovered this because he vomited the intact used tampon onto the floor in front of me.
Recently his sickening habits have gone from bad to considerably worse. A couple months ago, we were at the park, and he disappeared behind a tree. I investigated, and found him chewing on something. I grabbed his lower jaw and fished out the item, and discovered that it was the rotting leg of a decomposing squirrel corpse he had unearthed. I silently thanked myself for keeping up to date on his rabies shots and other immunizations.
A few weeks later, I saw him chewing on something in the park, and, bracing myself for another decaying organ from a dead feral rodent, realized it was even more heinous. It was a turd. And not just a dog turd...Chingy! has no interest in those. It was human. I'm no shit connoisseur, but I worked in a facility where they kept dogs for medical research and I've had dogs all my life. Dog shit has a distinct dog shit smell, and THIS piece of shit did not smell like that. It smelled like a full honey bucket that had been sweltering in direct summer sun all day. I was horrified, and spent the rest of the day wondering if dogs can get hepatitis.
I was puzzled, as Chingy! had never previously indicated that he was a cacophage. I resolved to keep a closer eye on him when letting him ramble around the wilds of St. Nicholas Park off-leash. It's hard to do that, though, because when we go to the park, I'm predominantly occupied by Caesar's insatiable desire to chase sticks. Since Caesar is a big dog, and needs to run around, I have to throw an adequate number of sticks to get him good and tired. As Chingy! doesn't do well in the summer heat, he is the rate-limiting factor on our walks, so I have to ensure that Caesar gets the most exercise/stick-chasing while Chingy! is still upright. Therefore, sometimes Chingy! wanders off in his quest for new weeds to piss on.
This morning, I saw that Chingy! was spending an awful lot of time at the base of this tree. This particular tree is a favorite of the homeless people that like to sleep in the park. Once I was running around with the dogs as usual, and this vagrant just dropped out of the tree right behind me, startling me. He didn't pay any attention to me whatsoever. He just yawned and stretched, then ambled off, probably to dig breakfast out of the garbage cans near the playground, where people barbecue every night during the summer. Anyway, Chingy! was lingering by the tree favored by the Indigent Family Robinson, so I went to see what was going on, and now I deeply regret that I did.
I stumbled upon what is verifiably the grossest, most repulsive thing I've EVER seen Chingy!--or any dog, for that matter--doing. There was a puddle of homeless guy diarrhea at the base of the tree, and Chingy! was lapping it up like it was molten chocolate, wagging his question mark gleefully as if this was the greatest thing he'd ever done.
"CHIN CHIN!" I shouted, using his given name to indicate that he was REALLY in trouble and grabbing his collar to pull him away. "NO! Bad dog! BAD!" I wagged my finger in his face and scowled at him. He looked up at me with an expression that plainly said, "Chongay CHONG?!", which is Ching!ese for "What's your fucking problem?" Then he gave me one of his characteristic indignant sneezes and trotted arrogantly away. I ran after him and leashed him, then proceeded to continue my "BAD DOG! BAD TO EAT SHIT! BAD!" lecture, which he naturally ignored and tried to LICK ME. I leaped away from him like he was a spider, not wanting to get even a trace of liquid bum shit on me. I then leashed Caesar (who gave me an exasperated look like, "Is that fat little motherfucker stick-blocking me again?") and we went home, where I threw Chingy! into the bathtub and washed his muzzle vigorously, which he HATED. "That's what happens when you drink diarrhea!" I scolded him. He just looked at me pathetically and, I'm certain, did not learn his lesson.
If I ever get to meet Cesar Millan, host of the "Dog Whisperer" show on the National Geographic channel, I'm going to ask him what to do about a dog who goes out of his way to consume disgusting and biohazardous material, because I've never seen that covered on his show. In the meantime, if I am stricken with some rare bloodborne disease common only among the homeless, you all know who to blame. Chongay motherfucking chong.
Labels: CHONGAY CHONG, doggity style, gross
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i thought the anal sex post a while back was hein, but this outgrosses even that. i think i have to go vomit now.
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# posted by 
: 8/24/2006 9:29 AM
: 8/24/2006 9:29 AM 
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