Friday, August 18, 2006
Razzy Bailey's ass is MINE
I was catching this guy's blog that I check out from time to time, and read a post about how he got laid because some hot chick in Michigan Googled his name, "Rory," looking for some actor (probably Macaulay Culkin's brother and fellow Michael Jackson molestee). Instead of finding information about Rory Culkin, she found him, he flew to Michigan, presumably banged her, and their epic love story was picked up by the Swiss press. Thus inspired by his tale of unexpected internet-derived action, I decided to Google "razzy" to see whether the Ultimate Source for Useless Bullshit is the Ultimate Google result. While I was initially pleased to see that I've overtaken the online cell phone accessory store that jacked the domain name I hoped to get (thus forcing me to get a .org name, which is for the best as it accurately reflects my non-profit status), my glee at kicking razzy.com's ass in Google importance was short-lived. I was dismayed to see that RAZZY.org is number 2, behind some douchebag named Razzy Bailey:
Razzy Bailey is a failed country singer who lives in Nashville, TN with his wife, his very small bowtie-rocking pussy, and his extremely righteous combover/mullet.
The fact that Razzy Bailey doesn't have a hairstyle named after him on mulletsgalore.com is unfathomable and an inexcusable oversight. Seriously, he resembles what I imagine the bastard child of Santa Claus and Phil Collins would look like if he cut his hair with a Flowbee and for styling employed the oscillating fans that Fabio uses to give him that "blowing in the breeze" look on romance novel covers.
I decided to listen to some of Razzy Bailey's music samples, to see if he was anything like my favorite country singer (Toby Keith, because he's obviously a total asshole). Unfortunately, I couldn't find anything as singularly awesome as "I Love This Bar", "If I Was Jesus," or "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue." It seems Razzy Bailey doesn't have Toby Keith's lyrical skills, either, as he doesn't have any songs about 9/11 (described as "a mighty sucker punch"), the subsequent conflict in Afghanistan ("we lit up your world like the Fourth of July"), bloodcurdling threats to the terrorist powers that be ("we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way"), espouse the benefits of being a self-sacrificing deity ("I'd be the guy at the party, turnin' water into wine...then I'd heal me a blind man, and get myself crucified...and I'd walk on some water, just to mess with your head"), or properly ordering his priorities ("I like my truck, I like my girlfriend...but I LOVE this bar.") Razzy Bailey also doesn't have Toby Keith's 50 Cent-esque skills for beef-related publicity stunts involving a certain trio of porky, Bush-bashing bitches who sing about murdering their friends' abusive husbands. My God, Toby Keith rules so hard I could fill up a Bible-sized book about it, and I'm talking the King James (Catholic) version, with all the extra chapters favored by us Papist mackerel snappers. Anyway, let's see where Razzy Bailey falls on the Country Music Awesomeness Alert Scale. This is like the terror alert levels that Homeland Security uses, except it's more accurate and useful, as instead of giving us cryptic information about the likelihood of a terror attack, it tells us the likelihood that a given country music singer and/or military campaign kicks ass:
I would place Razzy Bailey squarely in the neighborhood of Puyallup Fair Regular, Freedom-Hating Traitor, and Latent Homosexual. Therefore he's at the opposite end of the spectrum from Toby Keith and unnecessary war as things that will IMMINENTLY kick ass.
I listened to this song called "Scratch My Back," which mentally paints some frightening images of how Razzy Bailey rolls in the bedroom (I got to some lyric about how his "body loses control" and had heard enough). Also, Razzy Bailey sounds sort of like R&B/soul singer Aaron Neville, and with this black-tie-except-minus-the-tie look he's sporting and his matching pussy, he even LOOKS like he uses Aaron Neville's stylist. I expect him to participate in a duet with Linda Ronstadt any minute now.
It's only a matter of time before the Ultimate Source for Useless Bullshit supersedes
Razzy Bailey's website (or as he calls it, his "House of [what can disputably be called] Hits" in terms of Google PageRank. Watch out, Razzy Bailey, because you are squarely in the midst of my crosshairs. You're in my spot on the internet, and I am going to BRING YOUR ASS DOWN! As 50 Cent once said, "Until I bust a clip in your face, pussy, this beef ain't over," except by "bust a clip" I mean "making fun of you on my blog." Cower, bitch! Cower before the future #1 Razzy!
Razzy Bailey is a failed country singer who lives in Nashville, TN with his wife, his very small bowtie-rocking pussy, and his extremely righteous combover/mullet.
The fact that Razzy Bailey doesn't have a hairstyle named after him on mulletsgalore.com is unfathomable and an inexcusable oversight. Seriously, he resembles what I imagine the bastard child of Santa Claus and Phil Collins would look like if he cut his hair with a Flowbee and for styling employed the oscillating fans that Fabio uses to give him that "blowing in the breeze" look on romance novel covers.
I decided to listen to some of Razzy Bailey's music samples, to see if he was anything like my favorite country singer (Toby Keith, because he's obviously a total asshole). Unfortunately, I couldn't find anything as singularly awesome as "I Love This Bar", "If I Was Jesus," or "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue." It seems Razzy Bailey doesn't have Toby Keith's lyrical skills, either, as he doesn't have any songs about 9/11 (described as "a mighty sucker punch"), the subsequent conflict in Afghanistan ("we lit up your world like the Fourth of July"), bloodcurdling threats to the terrorist powers that be ("we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way"), espouse the benefits of being a self-sacrificing deity ("I'd be the guy at the party, turnin' water into wine...then I'd heal me a blind man, and get myself crucified...and I'd walk on some water, just to mess with your head"), or properly ordering his priorities ("I like my truck, I like my girlfriend...but I LOVE this bar.") Razzy Bailey also doesn't have Toby Keith's 50 Cent-esque skills for beef-related publicity stunts involving a certain trio of porky, Bush-bashing bitches who sing about murdering their friends' abusive husbands. My God, Toby Keith rules so hard I could fill up a Bible-sized book about it, and I'm talking the King James (Catholic) version, with all the extra chapters favored by us Papist mackerel snappers. Anyway, let's see where Razzy Bailey falls on the Country Music Awesomeness Alert Scale. This is like the terror alert levels that Homeland Security uses, except it's more accurate and useful, as instead of giving us cryptic information about the likelihood of a terror attack, it tells us the likelihood that a given country music singer and/or military campaign kicks ass:
I listened to this song called "Scratch My Back," which mentally paints some frightening images of how Razzy Bailey rolls in the bedroom (I got to some lyric about how his "body loses control" and had heard enough). Also, Razzy Bailey sounds sort of like R&B/soul singer Aaron Neville, and with this black-tie-except-minus-the-tie look he's sporting and his matching pussy, he even LOOKS like he uses Aaron Neville's stylist. I expect him to participate in a duet with Linda Ronstadt any minute now.
It's only a matter of time before the Ultimate Source for Useless Bullshit supersedes
Razzy Bailey's website (or as he calls it, his "House of [what can disputably be called] Hits" in terms of Google PageRank. Watch out, Razzy Bailey, because you are squarely in the midst of my crosshairs. You're in my spot on the internet, and I am going to BRING YOUR ASS DOWN! As 50 Cent once said, "Until I bust a clip in your face, pussy, this beef ain't over," except by "bust a clip" I mean "making fun of you on my blog." Cower, bitch! Cower before the future #1 Razzy!
Labels: down with OPB (other people's blogs), internet domination, Razzy Haters
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That was 3.5 minutes of my life I should have done something else with. Someone's confused "articulate jackass" with "enlightened jackass".
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# posted by 
: 8/30/2006 11:53 AM
: 8/30/2006 11:53 AM Links to this post:
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