Monday, April 16, 2007
A suggestion for John Mayer: grow a penis
Although his blog is kind of funny when he makes fun of Perez Hilton, TMZ, and Pink is the New Blog, I still think that John Mayer is a fucking pussy. For some reason, people seem to think he's a "rock star," and if that's the case, then rock 'n' roll is truly dead. In my view, there are several important criteria that must be met in order to rock:
1. You must kick ass
Kicking ass is unequivocally something John Mayer does not do. Slayer kicks ass. Metallica kicks ass. Original Guns 'n' Roses kicks ass. John Mayer sings emotional ballads about his feelings, which is a LOT closer to pussy bitch than asskickery on the spectrum of musical styles. John Mayer is such a simpering twat that he makes Morrissey look like Pantera in comparison.
2. You must not unplug
I fucking HATE "unplugged" music. Although with the exception of giving Korn one last gasp at remaining relevant, MTV seems to have stopped doing their "Unplugged" series of shows (and go figure, like MTV's audience ever gave a rat's ass about seeing Eric Clapton, plugged in or otherwise), there is still an unfortunate trend of alleged "rock" musicians like John Mayer strumming away on their acoustic guitars singing about their problematic relationships. Despite a number of John Mayer pictures floating around the internet where he appears to be playing an electric guitar, all of his music still sounds like the tearfully emotional torrent you can just imagine coming out of his caterwauling mouth in the above photograph.
3. You must not allow yourself to be exploited by the Simpson family to sell Jessica's shitshow of an album
Before they admitted to being an item and continent-hopping together, Jessica Simpson's incestuous manager father, as well as Jessica herself, spread a bunch of rumors that these two were a hot couple. At first John Mayer proceeded to get totally pissed about it, defriend her over it, and bitch to the media. I think Jessica Simpson is actually less intelligent than a poop-eating retarded child, but I've got to admit that she'shot got huge cans, albeit with a hint of tranny. If rumors were going around that I fucked her and I looked like John Mayer, I'd be telling everyone that I hit that piece of ass and dropped it like a dirty sock. Even if it wasn't true, it would still improve the entire world's impression of him as a nutless tree-hugging wuss. I guess he realized this, because now they ARE such a hot couple that they awaken entire hotels with their loud-ass humping. Gross.
4. You must never headline a show with Maroon5
Apparently Adam Levine, the scrawny, overcompensating ball of feelings who fronts Maroon5 actually dumped Jessica Simpson by text message (per all the totally fact-checked and accurate celebrity tabloids and blogs, anyway). I have to say that's considerably more badass than John Mayer complaining about Jessica Simpson pretending to go out with him and then being like, "Just kidding!" and dragging her off to Australia with his fug ass.
5. You must never sing about your feelings unless it has something to do with boning Tawny Kitaen
I am aware that the stupid "Your Body is a Wonderland" song that took the adult contemporary scene by storm a couple of years ago was supposedly written about banging Jennifer Love Hewitt. While she does have an indisputably smoking body, have you ever heard a less worthy song about what it's like to fuck her? Unless despite her porn-caliber jugs she's a boring lay who likes to keep all the lights off during coitus because "lovemaking" makes her uncomfortable, which wouldn't surprise me. That song convinces me that her body is less of a "wonderland" where there are hookah-smoking caterpillars, Cheshire cats, unbirthdays, Mad Hatters, and a variety of mind-altering drugs and more of a "processorland" where recently girl finger-banging Smith feminists exchange knitting tips and cookie recipes over Earl Grey and cucumber sandwiches. BOOOOOORRRRRRRING.
6. You must not be from Connecticut
What is this look supposed to be, John...edgy WASP? You're really a rebel, rocking a pair of jeans with that wrinkled and poorly fitted blazer. Go back to the golf course or the polo grounds where you belong!
7. Unless your name is David Bowie or you are in a band called Twisted Sister, you must not look like a woman.
With that layered body wave in his hair, he looks like an ugly lesbian folk singer rocking the stage at Lilith Fair. After he plays his set, he's going to drink some tea and dish about his period with the Indigo Girls.
8. People who are not 12-year-old girls must find you attractive.
Junior high girls might go for this brooding-yet-effeminate look, but anyone who doesn't have an angry man-breasted boyfriend in their vagina knows that this wistful carotid-scratching means nothing but seriously OUT OF CONTROL gay drama.
9. You don't give interviews about your relationships unless they have something positive to do with fucking groupies, which he should be all about considering his fan base is 99.999999999% female.
Mayer recently gave an interview to Rolling Stone in which he claimed, among other things that his one experience boning groupies was "violating", then added that he'd like to meet a woman who
is proficient at phone sex. Who knew this girly boy was so kinky? Furthermore, clearly Jessica Simpson spends more time getting Mystic tanned than brushing up on her phone sex skills, since he just gives up and flies her orange ass to Italy or Madison, Wisconsin or Australia or wherever else he's driving the bitches wild with his crybaby processing.
10. You must have your first scotch before the age of twenty-fucking-six.
In his Rolling Stone interview, Mayer also states that he just discovered weed (which he smokes out of a vaporizer to protect his delicate little lungs and precious singing voice) and scotch whiskey. The entire article is like, "After some Glenfiddich and shitty joke-telling" and "After getting stoned and asking for a Glenfiddich", as though John Mayer is now America's leading drug-using, scotch-swilling bad boy. That's called overcompensation: by desperately trying to make up for lost time spent in the anti-saloon league, John Mayer is trying to distract everyone from the fact that he just told Rolling Stone that banging groupies makes him feel bad about himself. Loser.
I bet there's a lot more criteria for being a rock star that I've omitted, but I think my point has been made. John Mayer is most likely rocking a vadge along with that girlie boy haircut, and all the paparazzi snaps of him parading around with Slutsicca Simpson in the world aren't going to butch his ass up. I'd bet you anything that John Mayer is rocking Jake Barnes's tragic wound below his boxer briefs, and in case your Hemingway's rusty, that means he DOESN'T HAVE A DICK.
1. You must kick ass
Kicking ass is unequivocally something John Mayer does not do. Slayer kicks ass. Metallica kicks ass. Original Guns 'n' Roses kicks ass. John Mayer sings emotional ballads about his feelings, which is a LOT closer to pussy bitch than asskickery on the spectrum of musical styles. John Mayer is such a simpering twat that he makes Morrissey look like Pantera in comparison.
2. You must not unplug
I fucking HATE "unplugged" music. Although with the exception of giving Korn one last gasp at remaining relevant, MTV seems to have stopped doing their "Unplugged" series of shows (and go figure, like MTV's audience ever gave a rat's ass about seeing Eric Clapton, plugged in or otherwise), there is still an unfortunate trend of alleged "rock" musicians like John Mayer strumming away on their acoustic guitars singing about their problematic relationships. Despite a number of John Mayer pictures floating around the internet where he appears to be playing an electric guitar, all of his music still sounds like the tearfully emotional torrent you can just imagine coming out of his caterwauling mouth in the above photograph.
3. You must not allow yourself to be exploited by the Simpson family to sell Jessica's shitshow of an album
Before they admitted to being an item and continent-hopping together, Jessica Simpson's incestuous manager father, as well as Jessica herself, spread a bunch of rumors that these two were a hot couple. At first John Mayer proceeded to get totally pissed about it, defriend her over it, and bitch to the media. I think Jessica Simpson is actually less intelligent than a poop-eating retarded child, but I've got to admit that she's
4. You must never headline a show with Maroon5
Apparently Adam Levine, the scrawny, overcompensating ball of feelings who fronts Maroon5 actually dumped Jessica Simpson by text message (per all the totally fact-checked and accurate celebrity tabloids and blogs, anyway). I have to say that's considerably more badass than John Mayer complaining about Jessica Simpson pretending to go out with him and then being like, "Just kidding!" and dragging her off to Australia with his fug ass.
5. You must never sing about your feelings unless it has something to do with boning Tawny Kitaen
I am aware that the stupid "Your Body is a Wonderland" song that took the adult contemporary scene by storm a couple of years ago was supposedly written about banging Jennifer Love Hewitt. While she does have an indisputably smoking body, have you ever heard a less worthy song about what it's like to fuck her? Unless despite her porn-caliber jugs she's a boring lay who likes to keep all the lights off during coitus because "lovemaking" makes her uncomfortable, which wouldn't surprise me. That song convinces me that her body is less of a "wonderland" where there are hookah-smoking caterpillars, Cheshire cats, unbirthdays, Mad Hatters, and a variety of mind-altering drugs and more of a "processorland" where recently girl finger-banging Smith feminists exchange knitting tips and cookie recipes over Earl Grey and cucumber sandwiches. BOOOOOORRRRRRRING.
6. You must not be from Connecticut
What is this look supposed to be, John...edgy WASP? You're really a rebel, rocking a pair of jeans with that wrinkled and poorly fitted blazer. Go back to the golf course or the polo grounds where you belong!
7. Unless your name is David Bowie or you are in a band called Twisted Sister, you must not look like a woman.
With that layered body wave in his hair, he looks like an ugly lesbian folk singer rocking the stage at Lilith Fair. After he plays his set, he's going to drink some tea and dish about his period with the Indigo Girls.
8. People who are not 12-year-old girls must find you attractive.
Junior high girls might go for this brooding-yet-effeminate look, but anyone who doesn't have an angry man-breasted boyfriend in their vagina knows that this wistful carotid-scratching means nothing but seriously OUT OF CONTROL gay drama.
9. You don't give interviews about your relationships unless they have something positive to do with fucking groupies, which he should be all about considering his fan base is 99.999999999% female.
Mayer recently gave an interview to Rolling Stone in which he claimed, among other things that his one experience boning groupies was "violating", then added that he'd like to meet a woman who
is proficient at phone sex. Who knew this girly boy was so kinky? Furthermore, clearly Jessica Simpson spends more time getting Mystic tanned than brushing up on her phone sex skills, since he just gives up and flies her orange ass to Italy or Madison, Wisconsin or Australia or wherever else he's driving the bitches wild with his crybaby processing.
10. You must have your first scotch before the age of twenty-fucking-six.
In his Rolling Stone interview, Mayer also states that he just discovered weed (which he smokes out of a vaporizer to protect his delicate little lungs and precious singing voice) and scotch whiskey. The entire article is like, "After some Glenfiddich and shitty joke-telling" and "After getting stoned and asking for a Glenfiddich", as though John Mayer is now America's leading drug-using, scotch-swilling bad boy. That's called overcompensation: by desperately trying to make up for lost time spent in the anti-saloon league, John Mayer is trying to distract everyone from the fact that he just told Rolling Stone that banging groupies makes him feel bad about himself. Loser.
I bet there's a lot more criteria for being a rock star that I've omitted, but I think my point has been made. John Mayer is most likely rocking a vadge along with that girlie boy haircut, and all the paparazzi snaps of him parading around with Slutsicca Simpson in the world aren't going to butch his ass up. I'd bet you anything that John Mayer is rocking Jake Barnes's tragic wound below his boxer briefs, and in case your Hemingway's rusty, that means he DOESN'T HAVE A DICK.
Labels: celebrities, John Mayer sucks, overcompensation, scathing indictments, small penises
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He might be a girl but didn't you know? I'm totally a lesbian!
xoxoxo
Jess
xoxoxo
Jess
# posted by 
: 4/16/2007 1:41 PM
: 4/16/2007 1:41 PM
This fugly tool needs a ball kick!!! Pronto. And further, anyone who hangs out with Jessica Simpson should ROUTINELY screen for STD's.
# posted by : 4/17/2007 4:51 PM
: 4/17/2007 4:51 PM
you ppl fucking suck!!! ur haters and u should get a life and stop hating on john mayer cuz he rocks andddd he KICKS ASSSSSSS u suck ...go fuck urselves:) k thanks byeee<3
# posted by : 4/27/2007 3:35 PM
: 4/27/2007 3:35 PM
God you're such a scorpio. So this is all true about John Mayer, but you're an egomaniacal emotional black hole. No pussy. Just a black hole. You two are kind of meant for one another.
# posted by : 4/24/2008 4:33 AM
: 4/24/2008 4:33 AM
somebody is fucking jealous of Mayer, & yeah, he is a badass. the end.
# posted by : 5/24/2008 4:24 PM
: 5/24/2008 4:24 PM
There is one reason, to me, that John Mayer is not a badass.
If I ever brought him home my mom would say "What a nice boy!"
Ew.
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If I ever brought him home my mom would say "What a nice boy!"
Ew.
# posted by : 7/25/2008 10:14 PM
: 7/25/2008 10:14 PM Links to this post:
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