Friday, October 27, 2006
Businese is the bee's knees
I started in on a rant about hookers and their umbrellas, but I don't want to make fun of anyone's mom.
Instead, it's back to old faithful: more Smeeberish. Today we take a fond look at my favorite of made-up shit, the art of business language.
For those of you fortunate enough to have protected your English by staying out of nine-to-fivin', you'll need to know that "business people" don't just make words up - they cushion each sentence with about six extra words, popping in adjectives, marring catch-phrases, and adding in impossibly irrelevant-but-commonly-accepted cliches in a failed attempt at plainspoken communication. That is: fluff, brought to you by the folks who charge an hourly rate. Take a peak, but steer clear of any conversation in which you hear these jewels. Wrecks your credibility to be within spitting distance...
A few smaple Werds:
Impactful, adj.
As in "We really need to come to the table with an impactful presentation." Offered up by the sacks of tits who don't understand that, say, POWERPOINT IS ALWAYS FUCKING BORING. And even if it weren't, one makes more of an impact with real words.
Pop v.
This little gem would be better seated on a Genuwine album than in the corporate slang. "How do we make it pop?" You and every high school boy in the country want to know, bud.
Onboard v.
To transfer information from one person or party to another, ie "We'll onboard her tomorrow during our 4 pm touchbase." So no, y'all, it does not mean to mount something stallion-style. Although that would give 'toucbase' a hole new shine...
Bandwidth n.
The capacity to accept new work in proportion to work already assigned, or in laymen's terms, "Can you handle this?" Par example, "Do you have the bandwidth to get me coffee, dance like a chicken, type up that report about Milwaukee chicken farms, and still polish my shoes in the next twenty minutes?"
synonym: how much do "you have on your plate."
Soft launch n.
Test run, control group, trial phase. NOT borrowed from NASA. NOT borrowed from the porn industry. A sober reality - it means checking the shit before going public.
Radar n.
Awareness of this or that bullshit thing, such as, "Is the reorg on your radar?" My apologies to the air traffic controllers of the wide, weird world.
Leverage v.
To steal or indulge in sloth. Call it plagiary, call it efficient, call it syner-fucking-gystic - a sin any way you spin it. It means taking shit you didn't do to pass the time.
And a few key Frases:
"At the end of the day..."
When the shit shakes out, or when all is said and done, or what matters most. More filler to keep the conch in the hands of the speaker. Usage: "At the end of the day, he's still a rat bastard psychotic even though he makes more money than I do."
"Out of pocket."
NOT "pay for yourself." NOT "expenses." NOT "cost of doing business." NOT "lost it while I was changing pants." It fucking means "ON VACATION." It fucking means "IN TRANSIT." As in, "Terrence, I'll be out pocket tomorrow having my balls waxed during the Debbie Does Dallas Web cast - I need a full report when I'm back in the office Monday."
"...from a _[insert noun here]_ perspective."
When it's not enough to say what you mean, that is "Does that cost more," or "Will this fuck up our schedule" - you have instead, "...from a cost perspective," or "...from a timing perspective." And my personal favorite, a recent highlight of a drab conference call: instead of "Will that be awesome?" one says, "...from a whizz-bang perspective." I'll admit it. I don't know if "whizz-bang" has two z's or not. I didn't learn English from DC Comics. Thanks be to the Almighty Whatsit that I didn't learn it in Midtown Manhattan.
The cure: curse more. From a talking perspective, expletives are far more fucking impactful and really make your shit pop when you move the needle to onboard some one to your goddamn point. And anyway, it secured me a huge fucking raise, not to mention a spot on this here blog-o-rific bitch-o-rama....
Instead, it's back to old faithful: more Smeeberish. Today we take a fond look at my favorite of made-up shit, the art of business language.
For those of you fortunate enough to have protected your English by staying out of nine-to-fivin', you'll need to know that "business people" don't just make words up - they cushion each sentence with about six extra words, popping in adjectives, marring catch-phrases, and adding in impossibly irrelevant-but-commonly-accepted cliches in a failed attempt at plainspoken communication. That is: fluff, brought to you by the folks who charge an hourly rate. Take a peak, but steer clear of any conversation in which you hear these jewels. Wrecks your credibility to be within spitting distance...
A few smaple Werds:
Impactful, adj.
As in "We really need to come to the table with an impactful presentation." Offered up by the sacks of tits who don't understand that, say, POWERPOINT IS ALWAYS FUCKING BORING. And even if it weren't, one makes more of an impact with real words.
Pop v.
This little gem would be better seated on a Genuwine album than in the corporate slang. "How do we make it pop?" You and every high school boy in the country want to know, bud.
Onboard v.
To transfer information from one person or party to another, ie "We'll onboard her tomorrow during our 4 pm touchbase." So no, y'all, it does not mean to mount something stallion-style. Although that would give 'toucbase' a hole new shine...
Bandwidth n.
The capacity to accept new work in proportion to work already assigned, or in laymen's terms, "Can you handle this?" Par example, "Do you have the bandwidth to get me coffee, dance like a chicken, type up that report about Milwaukee chicken farms, and still polish my shoes in the next twenty minutes?"
synonym: how much do "you have on your plate."
Soft launch n.
Test run, control group, trial phase. NOT borrowed from NASA. NOT borrowed from the porn industry. A sober reality - it means checking the shit before going public.
Radar n.
Awareness of this or that bullshit thing, such as, "Is the reorg on your radar?" My apologies to the air traffic controllers of the wide, weird world.
Leverage v.
To steal or indulge in sloth. Call it plagiary, call it efficient, call it syner-fucking-gystic - a sin any way you spin it. It means taking shit you didn't do to pass the time.
And a few key Frases:
"At the end of the day..."
When the shit shakes out, or when all is said and done, or what matters most. More filler to keep the conch in the hands of the speaker. Usage: "At the end of the day, he's still a rat bastard psychotic even though he makes more money than I do."
"Out of pocket."
NOT "pay for yourself." NOT "expenses." NOT "cost of doing business." NOT "lost it while I was changing pants." It fucking means "ON VACATION." It fucking means "IN TRANSIT." As in, "Terrence, I'll be out pocket tomorrow having my balls waxed during the Debbie Does Dallas Web cast - I need a full report when I'm back in the office Monday."
"...from a _[insert noun here]_ perspective."
When it's not enough to say what you mean, that is "Does that cost more," or "Will this fuck up our schedule" - you have instead, "...from a cost perspective," or "...from a timing perspective." And my personal favorite, a recent highlight of a drab conference call: instead of "Will that be awesome?" one says, "...from a whizz-bang perspective." I'll admit it. I don't know if "whizz-bang" has two z's or not. I didn't learn English from DC Comics. Thanks be to the Almighty Whatsit that I didn't learn it in Midtown Manhattan.
The cure: curse more. From a talking perspective, expletives are far more fucking impactful and really make your shit pop when you move the needle to onboard some one to your goddamn point. And anyway, it secured me a huge fucking raise, not to mention a spot on this here blog-o-rific bitch-o-rama....
Labels: grammar gestapo, ridiculous absurdity, Smeeberish
Comments:
Links to this post:
<< Home
My personal favorite businese from my corporate days are acronyms that are converted into words, like "RIFed" for "laid off" or "Q2M" for "second quarter milestones." Man, do I miss working in an office on my TPS reports (or SPRs, as they were known back at The Rapies)...
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
<< Home
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
