Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Who DOESN'T hate kids?
Kids suck. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I hate kids. They demand everyone's attention. They get their way by being complete assholes until they're placated. They are messy, they smell, they think the world revolves around them, and they have no qualms about throwing temper tantrums whenever and wherever they feel. When adults act like this, they get in trouble. People think an adult acting this way needs therapy, elicits scorn, and deserves a serious chiding. When kids act this way, their demands are usually fulfilled and people talk about how cute the little monsters are. One time when I was at my parents' house, my little cousin came over, and my mom actually kicked my brother and I off the 42" flat screen IN THE MIDDLE OF A SEAHAWKS GAME because said cousin was screaming about watching his "Thomas the Tank Engine" DVD for the millionth time. When I protested, my mom just said, "PLEASE, Razzy, it's much easier this way."
This is why I hate kids. Why the fuck do THEY get to hold everyone hostage with the threat of a screaming bout? Adults who do this lose their jobs and get restraining orders taken out against them, but kids who do this? THEY GET WHAT THEY FUCKING WANT. It's not fair. I could understand if satiating their every quixotic whim means that they grow up into happy, healthy people who contribute lots of good to society. The reality is that they just grow up into bigger assholes. My Aunt Jesus's daughter was spoiled rotten and she grew up to raise two monstrously bratty kids of her own, both of whom are not only obese, but one of whom PUSHED me last year at our family Christmas party and, as I was wearing very tall high heels, almost knocked me onto my Nicole Miller-clad ass since she's roughly the size of a NFL linebacker at age 9. Another one of my cousins was so placated that she used to cry and scream if her mother didn't go to school with her and sit outside her classroom all day. She wound up knocked up at the age of 21, unemployed now at the age of 27, living with her parents, and driving a purple '89 Honda Prelude. One of my colleagues takes this approach to child rearing as well, and he told me that recently his 12-year-old son called him a "bitch" and a "retard." When I said that if I'd pulled that crap as a child, I'd be on "restriction" (my parents' term for grounding), and would have my phone and/or TV privileges revoked, he just shrugged, as if to say "kids will be kids."
Whatever happened to the good old days when kids were supposed to be seen and not heard? What happened to the days when a temper tantrum got a kid sent to their room, or grounded, or spanked? My parents had a real challenge with me, as I was a smartass, back-talking shithead during childhood (not that much has changed), but they never let me get away with the kind of bratty behavior that most parents these days laugh off with some bullshit excuse like, "Well, they're just kids..." or "Kids will be kids." Since when did "kid" translate to "narcissistic monster who will willfully and gleefully destroy any peace you might have if he/she doesn't get his/her way"?
I'm not the only one who feels this way. There are a lot of people nicer than me who concur. Here's the transcript from an instant messaging session between myself and MillerTime, who is a sweet girl, the type who coos over babies and knows how to talk to old people in a comforting manner. It's not that MillerTime loves babies or old people, but she just has good social skills that way. Although the main point of the virtual conversation below is running road races during the holidays in the P-N-Dub, it rapidly progresses to sharing our disdain for children.
Razzy: my mom is on the hunt for some kind of 5K race we could do around Xmas
MillerTime: Ooooo...I'm doing a 5K on Thanksgiving! Turket Trot in Brownspoint!
Razzy: Sweet!
MillerTime: I was trying to find one around xmas too and thats how I found the
turkey trot...
Razzy: I bet there's lots of hills
Razzy: browns pt is mad hilly
MillerTime: the only thing I found around Xmas was the Jingle Bell Run and thats
either a full or half marathon
MillerTime: NO THANKS!!
MillerTime: not nearly enough time to train
MillerTime: there was an elf dash for toddlers...I'd be down
Razzy: yeah, fuck the jingle bell run
MillerTime: I guess the only hill is the last mile...sweet.
Razzy: elf dash sounds good...how long is it? do they let adults in? it would
be even more fun because there would be lots of children to kick!
Razzy: AND we'd probably beat all of them...stupid toddlers
Razzy: we could wave our trophy around and shout, "In your FACE, toddlers!"
MillerTime: lol...i think it only like 50 yards...yeah...stupid toddlers
Razzy: oh, that sucks. why don't they make toddlers at least do 3K?!
Razzy: this is why childhood obesity is on the rise
MillerTime: Cuz their fat parents can't keep up
Razzy: HAHAHAHA
MillerTime: totally
Anyway, then we switched topics to New Year's Eve party plans, and just as before, it came back to how much kids suck.
Razzy: i'm going to be around from dec 19 or so through the new year this
holiday
Razzy: speaking of, what are your new year's eve plans?
MillerTime: SWEET!!! Finally! You never here for New years!
Razzy: i know,
MillerTime: Mostly likely our friends the Maugas. They always have a New Years
Party thats pretty fun. You're welcome to crash whatever party we attend!!
Razzy: and i never have fun in nyc on the new year
Razzy: too expensive and as far as times sq. is concerned...sha right
Razzy: like I'm going to freeze my ass off sober in the middle of disneyland
Razzy: do the Maugas have children?
Razzy: and will they or their friends be there
Razzy: ?
MillerTime: They do, but the send them to Grandma's...
Razzy: okay
MillerTime: Don't worry...I HATE partying around kids
Razzy: do they live in puyallup?
Razzy: I DON'T party around kids
Razzy: I hate doing ANYTHING around kids
MillerTime: Yeah, they live off of 144th
Razzy: Sweet, I could jog home drunk from the party to my parents' afterward
Razzy: alcoholic marathon training!
MillerTime: lol...lol
MillerTime: Hey...gotta run...
MillerTime: literally
Razzy: Okay cool
Razzy: have fun!!!
Razzy: sha right
MillerTime: SHA RIGHT!!!
I was thinking about this more, and I was like, "Who lets their friends party around their kids?" I'm sure most parents don't want their kids to see them rip-roaring drunk, much less have ill-behaved friends (like yours truly) drunk and setting many bad examples for them. I'm sure that people do condone this, if only because the kids throw a fit that prevents any type of fun partying going on while they are in the vicinity, so parents just let them hang out while they knock back one Rainier after another and pray that they'll be entertained. I can't imagine anything worse than trying to get drunk in the presence of a bunch of attention-seeking bratty kids. All I know is that there had BETTER not be any children to spoil my New Year's Eve drunkenness this year. I'd rather put up with the crowds, terror threats, bone-numbing cold, a strict no-open-container-enforcing NYPD, Satan's spawn Ryan Seacrest, and stroked-out Dick Clark in Times Square than deal with one family's demonic progeny at a house party in P-town.
I don't get why some people seem to LIKE kids (and even kids that aren't their own). Presumably this is because kids are debatably cute and sometimes funny. I guess it's a lot of work ignoring all the negatives about kids:
To which I might remind him/her, "I don't give a FLYING SIDEWAYS REVERSE COWGIRL FUCK ABOUT YOUR GODDAMNED KIDS!" and then mutter impotently that if they little bastards weren't already vaccinated against polio, I'd teach them a thing or two. Ha! Try seeing how easy it is to sass me from inside an iron lung, you little shits! Alas, infantile paralysis is no more (except for in Amish settlements) in the U.S. So I'll have to settle for pleading with the people responsible for bringing these tiny tyrants into the world: parents, if you have kids, PLEASE keep them away from adults and in day care where they belong. And prospective parents, JUST DON'T DO IT. The world is overpopulated anyway, and your NOT having children makes the world an entirely better place.
This is why I hate kids. Why the fuck do THEY get to hold everyone hostage with the threat of a screaming bout? Adults who do this lose their jobs and get restraining orders taken out against them, but kids who do this? THEY GET WHAT THEY FUCKING WANT. It's not fair. I could understand if satiating their every quixotic whim means that they grow up into happy, healthy people who contribute lots of good to society. The reality is that they just grow up into bigger assholes. My Aunt Jesus's daughter was spoiled rotten and she grew up to raise two monstrously bratty kids of her own, both of whom are not only obese, but one of whom PUSHED me last year at our family Christmas party and, as I was wearing very tall high heels, almost knocked me onto my Nicole Miller-clad ass since she's roughly the size of a NFL linebacker at age 9. Another one of my cousins was so placated that she used to cry and scream if her mother didn't go to school with her and sit outside her classroom all day. She wound up knocked up at the age of 21, unemployed now at the age of 27, living with her parents, and driving a purple '89 Honda Prelude. One of my colleagues takes this approach to child rearing as well, and he told me that recently his 12-year-old son called him a "bitch" and a "retard." When I said that if I'd pulled that crap as a child, I'd be on "restriction" (my parents' term for grounding), and would have my phone and/or TV privileges revoked, he just shrugged, as if to say "kids will be kids."
Whatever happened to the good old days when kids were supposed to be seen and not heard? What happened to the days when a temper tantrum got a kid sent to their room, or grounded, or spanked? My parents had a real challenge with me, as I was a smartass, back-talking shithead during childhood (not that much has changed), but they never let me get away with the kind of bratty behavior that most parents these days laugh off with some bullshit excuse like, "Well, they're just kids..." or "Kids will be kids." Since when did "kid" translate to "narcissistic monster who will willfully and gleefully destroy any peace you might have if he/she doesn't get his/her way"?
I'm not the only one who feels this way. There are a lot of people nicer than me who concur. Here's the transcript from an instant messaging session between myself and MillerTime, who is a sweet girl, the type who coos over babies and knows how to talk to old people in a comforting manner. It's not that MillerTime loves babies or old people, but she just has good social skills that way. Although the main point of the virtual conversation below is running road races during the holidays in the P-N-Dub, it rapidly progresses to sharing our disdain for children.
Razzy: my mom is on the hunt for some kind of 5K race we could do around Xmas
MillerTime: Ooooo...I'm doing a 5K on Thanksgiving! Turket Trot in Brownspoint!
Razzy: Sweet!
MillerTime: I was trying to find one around xmas too and thats how I found the
turkey trot...
Razzy: I bet there's lots of hills
Razzy: browns pt is mad hilly
MillerTime: the only thing I found around Xmas was the Jingle Bell Run and thats
either a full or half marathon
MillerTime: NO THANKS!!
MillerTime: not nearly enough time to train
MillerTime: there was an elf dash for toddlers...I'd be down
Razzy: yeah, fuck the jingle bell run
MillerTime: I guess the only hill is the last mile...sweet.
Razzy: elf dash sounds good...how long is it? do they let adults in? it would
be even more fun because there would be lots of children to kick!
Razzy: AND we'd probably beat all of them...stupid toddlers
Razzy: we could wave our trophy around and shout, "In your FACE, toddlers!"
MillerTime: lol...i think it only like 50 yards...yeah...stupid toddlers
Razzy: oh, that sucks. why don't they make toddlers at least do 3K?!
Razzy: this is why childhood obesity is on the rise
MillerTime: Cuz their fat parents can't keep up
Razzy: HAHAHAHA
MillerTime: totally
Anyway, then we switched topics to New Year's Eve party plans, and just as before, it came back to how much kids suck.
Razzy: i'm going to be around from dec 19 or so through the new year this
holiday
Razzy: speaking of, what are your new year's eve plans?
MillerTime: SWEET!!! Finally! You never here for New years!
Razzy: i know,
MillerTime: Mostly likely our friends the Maugas. They always have a New Years
Party thats pretty fun. You're welcome to crash whatever party we attend!!
Razzy: and i never have fun in nyc on the new year
Razzy: too expensive and as far as times sq. is concerned...sha right
Razzy: like I'm going to freeze my ass off sober in the middle of disneyland
Razzy: do the Maugas have children?
Razzy: and will they or their friends be there
Razzy: ?
MillerTime: They do, but the send them to Grandma's...
Razzy: okay
MillerTime: Don't worry...I HATE partying around kids
Razzy: do they live in puyallup?
Razzy: I DON'T party around kids
Razzy: I hate doing ANYTHING around kids
MillerTime: Yeah, they live off of 144th
Razzy: Sweet, I could jog home drunk from the party to my parents' afterward
Razzy: alcoholic marathon training!
MillerTime: lol...lol
MillerTime: Hey...gotta run...
MillerTime: literally
Razzy: Okay cool
Razzy: have fun!!!
Razzy: sha right
MillerTime: SHA RIGHT!!!
I was thinking about this more, and I was like, "Who lets their friends party around their kids?" I'm sure most parents don't want their kids to see them rip-roaring drunk, much less have ill-behaved friends (like yours truly) drunk and setting many bad examples for them. I'm sure that people do condone this, if only because the kids throw a fit that prevents any type of fun partying going on while they are in the vicinity, so parents just let them hang out while they knock back one Rainier after another and pray that they'll be entertained. I can't imagine anything worse than trying to get drunk in the presence of a bunch of attention-seeking bratty kids. All I know is that there had BETTER not be any children to spoil my New Year's Eve drunkenness this year. I'd rather put up with the crowds, terror threats, bone-numbing cold, a strict no-open-container-enforcing NYPD, Satan's spawn Ryan Seacrest, and stroked-out Dick Clark in Times Square than deal with one family's demonic progeny at a house party in P-town.
I don't get why some people seem to LIKE kids (and even kids that aren't their own). Presumably this is because kids are debatably cute and sometimes funny. I guess it's a lot of work ignoring all the negatives about kids:
- Babies have diapers, which require changing, and require regular exposure to bodily waste
- Babies belch and spit up constantly
- Kids scream, kick, and cry with minimal provocation
- Kids are all like Typhoid Mary from a microbiological perspective, from the dirt under their fingernails to the food they spill all over their clothes and face to the snot that fountains from their noses
- Kids break expensive shit
- Kids harass, poke, frighten, and try to ride dogs
- Kids wear stupid clothes
- Kids don't like the History Channel
- Kids try to eat inanimate objects and get saliva all over everything
- Kids eat disgusting food, and usually get it everywhere
- Kids stink. Literally, they smell bad due to subpar hygiene and a tendency to festoon themselves in disgusting shit
- Kids monopolize conversations and interrupt people
- Kids cost a fortune
- Having kids makes adults lame and boring, because all they want to talk about is THEIR FUCKING STUPID KIDS
To which I might remind him/her, "I don't give a FLYING SIDEWAYS REVERSE COWGIRL FUCK ABOUT YOUR GODDAMNED KIDS!" and then mutter impotently that if they little bastards weren't already vaccinated against polio, I'd teach them a thing or two. Ha! Try seeing how easy it is to sass me from inside an iron lung, you little shits! Alas, infantile paralysis is no more (except for in Amish settlements) in the U.S. So I'll have to settle for pleading with the people responsible for bringing these tiny tyrants into the world: parents, if you have kids, PLEASE keep them away from adults and in day care where they belong. And prospective parents, JUST DON'T DO IT. The world is overpopulated anyway, and your NOT having children makes the world an entirely better place.
Labels: assholes, destroy all children, ranting, scathing indictments
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Kids might be a hassel but they can't help it since they aren't as mature as adults since they haven't fully devleoped. It's not in their nature to be mature but what's you're excuse! You should learn to be more tolerent and less angry, it will reduce your stress level.
# posted by 
: 10/25/2006 2:34 PM
: 10/25/2006 2:34 PM
Most of us are governed by our primal urges to pass on our genes. Good for you that you have not succumbed although don't ever let your guards down. I see it happening again and again to the most devoted antireproductionists like myself. A weak moment and it is all over. Kids COMPLETELY ruin your life. Then biology plays a dirty trick on you forcing you to totally love the horrid creatures.
# posted by : 10/26/2006 8:43 PM
: 10/26/2006 8:43 PM
Proud to be a Mom (Paula James?),
It's not in my nature to be mature, either, regardless of my age, so fuck off.
Oh, and I don't need an excuse to be willfully immature at times, as I am at least mature enough to pass second grade-level spelling and grammar. You're obviously not.
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It's not in my nature to be mature, either, regardless of my age, so fuck off.
Oh, and I don't need an excuse to be willfully immature at times, as I am at least mature enough to pass second grade-level spelling and grammar. You're obviously not.
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