Wednesday, November 22, 2006
99 Smoking Theses.
I love to smoke. I smoke in the morning after heavy drinking. I smoke at work - I mean, downstairs on the street. (Sorry, Southern Belles. No lady am I.) In fact, I smoke so much that my department comes down to review their assignments with me while I puff a fuckin butt - we call it the first floor conference room. It's where I do my best work.
I book smoking rooms when I travel, I seek out smoking bars, I smoke during the Yankee winter and I smoke in my house. I've even smoked in the shower, just to know if it was worth it. It's not really, just for the record, but it's worth a shot. Edifying. To drive this home: I keep only a few things in the freezer. A humble amount of emergency cash. A copy of my passport. And a carton of cigarettes. Because that's the last thing to go when your house burns down. Got it?
But I got a few issues to address. You've heard them before from smokers. But allow me to repeat ourselves, as the rest of the world apparently isn't listening. These are for your own good - it's about etiquette, fuckwad. Untold numbers of valid antismoking arguments exist, yes, yes - and you ruin your lame ass point by not acknowledging a few essential rules about life, others, and free American goddamn will. So tune in and maybe I'll entertain your tired point before I'm oxygen-machine bound.
Do not tell me I shouldn't smoke because it's bad for my health. I did not just fall out of a high tree branch. I was not recently transported here from the not-planet Pluto. We've all known for well over a year now that smoking causes cancer. But heads up, dickweed. So does cell phone conversation. Microwaves. McDonald's & Twinkies. That ridiculous SUV you drive. Air conditioning. Apparently, they conjecture that sleeping with the lights on gives cancer to women. The short reality is that e'rybody in tha club gon' gettin cancer, so don't look at me. Look at Raz. She's gonna cure the shit. So remember that, and when it's time, you better vote for her. And you best believe I'll be smoking when I accept the hoped-for offer to be her President of Vice.
Do not anticipate that I will move my cigarette when you shove past me on the street. Your coat is on fire because you are dumb. Not my fault that you choose to walk into open flames. Yours, son. All yours.
Do not quit smoking and the bum cigarettes from all of your friends. I had to sell an ovary to afford this habit, so hop off my reproduction system, pony up and purchase your own shit. I don't mind handing out party favors, to strangers or loved ones alike. But be honest with yourself. If you want to quit smoking, step one is not to stop buying cigarettes. It's to quit using them. Word?
DO NOT FAN YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU WALK BY ME ON THE STREET. You deserve to be burned. I don't smack you with a tire iron when I see your fat ass chunks through your too-tight pants, or clap a hand over each ear when you open your stupid mouth to voice your version of an opinion. You choose to do that shit, and it damages my health. I would gladly go back inside and smoke, just to clear that up, if you hadn't voted to send me out on the street. So check yourself before I wreck yourself. Cuz I'm going nowhere.
So Denis Leary, I feel you, and I raise my smoldering ash in your name. And everybody else, nail that shit to your door, 'fore I burn it in.
I book smoking rooms when I travel, I seek out smoking bars, I smoke during the Yankee winter and I smoke in my house. I've even smoked in the shower, just to know if it was worth it. It's not really, just for the record, but it's worth a shot. Edifying. To drive this home: I keep only a few things in the freezer. A humble amount of emergency cash. A copy of my passport. And a carton of cigarettes. Because that's the last thing to go when your house burns down. Got it?
But I got a few issues to address. You've heard them before from smokers. But allow me to repeat ourselves, as the rest of the world apparently isn't listening. These are for your own good - it's about etiquette, fuckwad. Untold numbers of valid antismoking arguments exist, yes, yes - and you ruin your lame ass point by not acknowledging a few essential rules about life, others, and free American goddamn will. So tune in and maybe I'll entertain your tired point before I'm oxygen-machine bound.
Do not tell me I shouldn't smoke because it's bad for my health. I did not just fall out of a high tree branch. I was not recently transported here from the not-planet Pluto. We've all known for well over a year now that smoking causes cancer. But heads up, dickweed. So does cell phone conversation. Microwaves. McDonald's & Twinkies. That ridiculous SUV you drive. Air conditioning. Apparently, they conjecture that sleeping with the lights on gives cancer to women. The short reality is that e'rybody in tha club gon' gettin cancer, so don't look at me. Look at Raz. She's gonna cure the shit. So remember that, and when it's time, you better vote for her. And you best believe I'll be smoking when I accept the hoped-for offer to be her President of Vice.
Do not anticipate that I will move my cigarette when you shove past me on the street. Your coat is on fire because you are dumb. Not my fault that you choose to walk into open flames. Yours, son. All yours.
Do not quit smoking and the bum cigarettes from all of your friends. I had to sell an ovary to afford this habit, so hop off my reproduction system, pony up and purchase your own shit. I don't mind handing out party favors, to strangers or loved ones alike. But be honest with yourself. If you want to quit smoking, step one is not to stop buying cigarettes. It's to quit using them. Word?
DO NOT FAN YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU WALK BY ME ON THE STREET. You deserve to be burned. I don't smack you with a tire iron when I see your fat ass chunks through your too-tight pants, or clap a hand over each ear when you open your stupid mouth to voice your version of an opinion. You choose to do that shit, and it damages my health. I would gladly go back inside and smoke, just to clear that up, if you hadn't voted to send me out on the street. So check yourself before I wreck yourself. Cuz I'm going nowhere.
So Denis Leary, I feel you, and I raise my smoldering ash in your name. And everybody else, nail that shit to your door, 'fore I burn it in.
Labels: defiance, ranting, smoking
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One of my ex-smoking friends said she quit when her dad told her that there is no such thing as a polite smoker. It’s so true. When smokers light up, they cease to care about who they impact because their need for the drug surpasses all. For all those that don’t give you attitude before you blow smoke in their face or rub ash into their suede leather, I wish your ignorant ass the grueling early death you deserve and may it be seconds after Razzy tells you all about the cure.
# posted by 
: 11/23/2006 12:52 AM
: 11/23/2006 12:52 AM
Ever see somebody die of cancer, Felloniousmonk??? If you knew what was in store for you, I bet you would quit on the spot. First you would puke, and then you would quit. The oxygen-machine is just the start. Imagine drowning… slowly for three weeks, in constant pain that requires drugs which make you space out so often that your last days, when your friends and family are trying to tell you they love you and will miss you, seem like only an hour. Then you lose consciousness, live for another day or two and finally succumb to the fluids that have accumulated in your lungs and are now spilling out of your nose and mouth as they zip up the body bag.
# posted by : 11/23/2006 1:11 AM
: 11/23/2006 1:11 AM
Fuck all you militant non-smokers. I haven't embraced smoking like FalloniusMonk (other than being addicted to it) and I'm trying to quit smoking ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I HATE smoking. However, when I finally manage to not smoke, there's no way I'm going to run around self-righteously telling every smoker I see depressing obviously personal cancer anecdotes or inform them they deserve a grueling early death for not being polite.
You're not being helpful, you're just being assholes. Granted, asshole behavior is fine by me, but nobody likes a pompous asshole. Funny asshole is what you should be shooting for.
You're not being helpful, you're just being assholes. Granted, asshole behavior is fine by me, but nobody likes a pompous asshole. Funny asshole is what you should be shooting for.
You mean there really IS no such thing as a polite smoker?? Damn! I thought that was just a slogan used by the anti-smoking police to shame us into quitting. Well, I sure hate to be impolite, so I guess I'd better go throw away this pack of cigarettes. . .and the spare carton stashed in my freezer. . .and the one in my car. But wait! The "need for the drug surpasses all." Maybe after this last one. Kiss my ass anti-smoking militia!
# posted by : 11/23/2006 5:45 PM
: 11/23/2006 5:45 PM
“Kiss my ass anti-smoking militia!” Is that Funny asshole talking or just some asshole that ignores when she is rude and ignores that she is going to die young? These are comments about a post by an author who “admits” that she will not accommodate others when she smokes. In short she says, “I smoke and I don’t give a shit… fuckwad.” The “militia” only exists because of people like this. We are the same “fuckwads” on opposite sides of the same agenda. The militia is self-righteous because smokers are self-righteous about being able to smoke wherever they want. The real question is who is hurting who more.
# posted by : 11/25/2006 12:36 AM
: 11/25/2006 12:36 AM
Well spoke, all, and a few retorts.
1. If smoiking has been hiked up the real drug scale, it might suit you all to speak to us like addicts rather than social miscreants. Wouldn't affect your condescension one iota, but it would help you get your point across if you're trying to convince anyone of anything at all.
2. I have in fact seen someone die from lung cancer. Another from bone cancer, another from breast cancer. And yes, it is horrific, and humbling. Actually, I think bone cancer takes the prize. But you ever see someone make it to extreme old age and die that way? That too is humbling. Ever see someone get hit by a bus and die after prolonged hours on silly machines? Cuz I seen that too, and the short point is death sucks, so enjoy what you like before it's you there, from age or carcenogins too much saccharine or a mass transit mishap.
3. For the polite smoker query, this is trickier. Most smokers are assholes, but that's because most people are assholes. Fair percentage. Polite is a tough word to throw around if you want to be honest. I ask people if they mind if I smoke - I smoke at home so I don't have to. I don't get in the way of oncoming pedestrian traffic to singe them - people come up from behind me and shove my arms so that my reflexes send my ciggy into their parkas (see "people are assholes," above). If we're gonna talk manners, you're at the wrong party. Besides, if manners make a case for someone deserving to live or die, I got a list from here to next week of folks who make the list way before we can afford to get into the lifestyle choice bunch, smoking or otherwise.
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1. If smoiking has been hiked up the real drug scale, it might suit you all to speak to us like addicts rather than social miscreants. Wouldn't affect your condescension one iota, but it would help you get your point across if you're trying to convince anyone of anything at all.
2. I have in fact seen someone die from lung cancer. Another from bone cancer, another from breast cancer. And yes, it is horrific, and humbling. Actually, I think bone cancer takes the prize. But you ever see someone make it to extreme old age and die that way? That too is humbling. Ever see someone get hit by a bus and die after prolonged hours on silly machines? Cuz I seen that too, and the short point is death sucks, so enjoy what you like before it's you there, from age or carcenogins too much saccharine or a mass transit mishap.
3. For the polite smoker query, this is trickier. Most smokers are assholes, but that's because most people are assholes. Fair percentage. Polite is a tough word to throw around if you want to be honest. I ask people if they mind if I smoke - I smoke at home so I don't have to. I don't get in the way of oncoming pedestrian traffic to singe them - people come up from behind me and shove my arms so that my reflexes send my ciggy into their parkas (see "people are assholes," above). If we're gonna talk manners, you're at the wrong party. Besides, if manners make a case for someone deserving to live or die, I got a list from here to next week of folks who make the list way before we can afford to get into the lifestyle choice bunch, smoking or otherwise.
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