Monday, November 20, 2006
Dig your way out of this, assholes
Fuck pahkin ya cah in Hahvahd yahd - the new Xtreme sport in Boston is neither finding an open space or understanding the natives, but actually making it to your parking spot.
Well, be fair, not new. But now, it's not the demon drivers that threaten your survival during your journey through Bean Town.
It's the motherfucking road.
I will be the first, second and third to admit that I am no specialist in highway planning. Beware the DOT that plots out a too-tight cloverleaf or fails to number its exits by the mile marker, and might I add that I was awesome at Calculus.
But let's be real, I don't do infrastructure. All the more reason for me to openly admit that I have no business mapping out the pathways of interstates, roads, or even remote cul-de-sacs. So why in the shit should the self-proclaimed intellectual capital of the free green goddamn world not have more sense than to HIRE AN ENGINNER FOR THE BIG DIG?
It was one thing to have the shit collapse on a hapless driver. But dying in transit is par for the course in Boston. Test of the mettle. This, though, this is one of the most extraordinary abuses of Extreme Engineering to hit the Eastern Seaboard in some time. Let's explore:
1. Built on Ass (1): the concrete is shoddy and leaks water. What this means to you and me, friends, is that Boston now rivals New York for which city will fold in on itself faster in the event of a flood, bombing, or subway failure. So take that, MTA - and take my fare back down to $1.50 while you're at it.
2. No Taxation Without... ?: THE SHIT WAS 700% OVER BUDGET. Clearly no one involved has ever worked in the private sector. Your ass would be canned so fast... oh, wait, he was. And they kept digging....
3. Matures With Age: two+ long decades after it began, it is a certifiable failure. To quote Marsellus Wallace, "Motherfuckers thought their ass would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar, it does." Nuff said.
4. Built on Ass (2): the anchor bolts are made not of metal, but epoxy, and fail to extend through the base support of the structure. If one bolt goes, the whole fucking road tumbles - akin to the lame-ass dismantling of the GG Bridge in X3. So alls I can say is, while a hazard to all living persons, this thing will be safe from Magneto when he regains his powers (and Brett Ratner when he regains his career, bless).
5. White Trash: the construction site was a landfill. I don't mean Boston - I hold my own opinion about that. I mean the construction site proper. Pipes. Garbage. Rats. Hard day at work when your quality of life would be higher in the post-Katrina Superdome.
6. L is for Lost Highway: from the people who brought you John Kerry.
7. Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm: ever thought you'd agree with Reagan? Well he thought it was a bullshit idea, and blast, he was right.
So. In short. That is the tribute that Boston can offer in the name of John F. Kennedy. Note to self: beware public projects named after matryred playboy presidents. And more importantly, remember to keep the shit out of the Commonwealth.
Well, be fair, not new. But now, it's not the demon drivers that threaten your survival during your journey through Bean Town.
It's the motherfucking road.
I will be the first, second and third to admit that I am no specialist in highway planning. Beware the DOT that plots out a too-tight cloverleaf or fails to number its exits by the mile marker, and might I add that I was awesome at Calculus.
But let's be real, I don't do infrastructure. All the more reason for me to openly admit that I have no business mapping out the pathways of interstates, roads, or even remote cul-de-sacs. So why in the shit should the self-proclaimed intellectual capital of the free green goddamn world not have more sense than to HIRE AN ENGINNER FOR THE BIG DIG?
It was one thing to have the shit collapse on a hapless driver. But dying in transit is par for the course in Boston. Test of the mettle. This, though, this is one of the most extraordinary abuses of Extreme Engineering to hit the Eastern Seaboard in some time. Let's explore:
1. Built on Ass (1): the concrete is shoddy and leaks water. What this means to you and me, friends, is that Boston now rivals New York for which city will fold in on itself faster in the event of a flood, bombing, or subway failure. So take that, MTA - and take my fare back down to $1.50 while you're at it.
2. No Taxation Without... ?: THE SHIT WAS 700% OVER BUDGET. Clearly no one involved has ever worked in the private sector. Your ass would be canned so fast... oh, wait, he was. And they kept digging....
3. Matures With Age: two+ long decades after it began, it is a certifiable failure. To quote Marsellus Wallace, "Motherfuckers thought their ass would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar, it does." Nuff said.
4. Built on Ass (2): the anchor bolts are made not of metal, but epoxy, and fail to extend through the base support of the structure. If one bolt goes, the whole fucking road tumbles - akin to the lame-ass dismantling of the GG Bridge in X3. So alls I can say is, while a hazard to all living persons, this thing will be safe from Magneto when he regains his powers (and Brett Ratner when he regains his career, bless).
5. White Trash: the construction site was a landfill. I don't mean Boston - I hold my own opinion about that. I mean the construction site proper. Pipes. Garbage. Rats. Hard day at work when your quality of life would be higher in the post-Katrina Superdome.
6. L is for Lost Highway: from the people who brought you John Kerry.
7. Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm: ever thought you'd agree with Reagan? Well he thought it was a bullshit idea, and blast, he was right.
So. In short. That is the tribute that Boston can offer in the name of John F. Kennedy. Note to self: beware public projects named after matryred playboy presidents. And more importantly, remember to keep the shit out of the Commonwealth.
Labels: Assachusetts, driving, retard rage, scathing indictments
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I should also add that the History Channel has done several shows about what a shitshow the Big Dig is. I definitely recall a "Modern Marvels" episode in which they discussed all the ways the sorry fuckers who planned it have tried to REPAIR it. Bless, indeed.
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