Monday, November 27, 2006
FEEEEEEEEEED MEEEEEEEEEEE
Dunno about y'all, but it steams my rice that food in Gotham costs what it does. Lettuce is not worth $8. I don't give a shit what you put in it. If you don't coat the shit with gold, it shouldn't run that high - it's made of water, and even Goldschlager can be had for less trouble.
So I harken back to my days of kollege. While I was chipping away at Chaucer to free my diploma from stone, my homeslice City of Compton was running the DC temp circuit, scrambling for the cash to get him the fuck out of the temperate zone and into , well you guessed it: the land of flip floppin glory, Los Angeles. At this particular juncture, he was knee deep in the most incredible temp job I ever done heard of: surfing the net, all the day long, to locate child pornography and turn in its "Webmasters." Now you've all heard that porn pays. You've also probably heard that government jobs come stacked with benefits. Well, City garnered neither, as the fringe participant in both industries. So in these slim days, he was looking to save some cash and set out on a mission: find and consume a full meal in a city for less than $5. This includes eating your fill and a beverage. This was irrelevant to me at the time, as a meal-plan fed junior scholar, but the truth is this. I am no longer so coddled and I'm a fucking fat bastard. Must get fed. And there are only so many second-rate paninis you can pop a Hamilton for until you ask yourself, maybe that asshole had an idea...
And before you ask yourself any foolish questions like "Why didn't he make his lunch?" you have to realize that this is a) not the point and b) relevant to all of us fuck-abouts who very frequently even forget that there's food in the fridge and wander into work chowless. So take it for what it is: FMagat's guide to deals on meals. Observe, The Affordable Meal:
1) Pizza. Not to state the obvious, but you can get you two cheese slices and a co-cola at any self-respecting Ray's. So walk the extra block. It's out there.
2) Falafel. Delicious and nutritious, the guy-with-cart will serve you a steaming pita for $3, maybe $3.50 with pickled frills. This extends to shwarma/kababs and the hummus. Seek him out by the smell of curried onions. And don't even try the "I don't know where one is." It's there. It's lunchtime in America. Look harder - your best bet is outside of the Gap. You can get your drink at the cart adjacent.
3) The Deli Buffet. Yes, it is a bit suspicious. I know. But so is the never-washed tap at your favorite saloon. And anyway don't be dumb. If it looks weird, don't eat it. This is tricky because you must be honest with yourself about how much you pile into that styrofoam container, but it is a tried and true method. You can recreate just about any food they charge $10 for here, with a little ingenuity.
4) Shin Ramyen. Raz will whut-whut me on this. $1.89 and ready in three minutes. It's noodles, sure, and we've all had our fill of that shit, but this is spicy. Different. Better.
5) Fresco Tortilla. This is an Enycee gem that I discovered during week one of my stint here, about five years ago, and I cannot. get. over. it. It's the dollar store of food delivery - taco, $1. Quesadilla, $1. Chips with salsa, $1. Two items will take you over the top, and the sauce is gooooooooooooood.
6) Tapas. You gotta find the right spot, and this is a tall order in some neighorhoods, but some of these places have unreal steals. The plates are small, okay, but they're cheap - two'll do ya. And so, so tasty.
7) Frozen meal. Even if you forget your lunch, high thee to the supermercato for the delights of frozen food, at the buyer's market price of $2 - sometimes 3 for $5. So what if it's an approximation of food. This is a list about eating for less than $5.
8) Cup-o-soup. If you don't go to Hale and Hearty, you can pretty much sniff out a $4 bucket of soup. Good and good for you, as long as your chicken is not free-range. (Please see qualifier for #7.)
9) Sushi. Iffn you hit the right place, you can waltz away with sush for about $4 - just enough to grab a bottle of water and hit work anew. You'll be hungry again in the afternoon, but it's good for you. Remember that you're on a budget and 10 pounds overweight.
10) Beer. Old reliable. You can get a forty of light whatever for $2.50 in my hood, and $5 in the city - combines your meal and your drink. Fuck a fruit-chunked smoothy or a protein shake. For in the words of my eternally quotable partner in crime Rack, "I don't wanna eat my drink. I wanna drink my dinner."
So I harken back to my days of kollege. While I was chipping away at Chaucer to free my diploma from stone, my homeslice City of Compton was running the DC temp circuit, scrambling for the cash to get him the fuck out of the temperate zone and into , well you guessed it: the land of flip floppin glory, Los Angeles. At this particular juncture, he was knee deep in the most incredible temp job I ever done heard of: surfing the net, all the day long, to locate child pornography and turn in its "Webmasters." Now you've all heard that porn pays. You've also probably heard that government jobs come stacked with benefits. Well, City garnered neither, as the fringe participant in both industries. So in these slim days, he was looking to save some cash and set out on a mission: find and consume a full meal in a city for less than $5. This includes eating your fill and a beverage. This was irrelevant to me at the time, as a meal-plan fed junior scholar, but the truth is this. I am no longer so coddled and I'm a fucking fat bastard. Must get fed. And there are only so many second-rate paninis you can pop a Hamilton for until you ask yourself, maybe that asshole had an idea...
And before you ask yourself any foolish questions like "Why didn't he make his lunch?" you have to realize that this is a) not the point and b) relevant to all of us fuck-abouts who very frequently even forget that there's food in the fridge and wander into work chowless. So take it for what it is: FMagat's guide to deals on meals. Observe, The Affordable Meal:
1) Pizza. Not to state the obvious, but you can get you two cheese slices and a co-cola at any self-respecting Ray's. So walk the extra block. It's out there.
2) Falafel. Delicious and nutritious, the guy-with-cart will serve you a steaming pita for $3, maybe $3.50 with pickled frills. This extends to shwarma/kababs and the hummus. Seek him out by the smell of curried onions. And don't even try the "I don't know where one is." It's there. It's lunchtime in America. Look harder - your best bet is outside of the Gap. You can get your drink at the cart adjacent.
3) The Deli Buffet. Yes, it is a bit suspicious. I know. But so is the never-washed tap at your favorite saloon. And anyway don't be dumb. If it looks weird, don't eat it. This is tricky because you must be honest with yourself about how much you pile into that styrofoam container, but it is a tried and true method. You can recreate just about any food they charge $10 for here, with a little ingenuity.
4) Shin Ramyen. Raz will whut-whut me on this. $1.89 and ready in three minutes. It's noodles, sure, and we've all had our fill of that shit, but this is spicy. Different. Better.
5) Fresco Tortilla. This is an Enycee gem that I discovered during week one of my stint here, about five years ago, and I cannot. get. over. it. It's the dollar store of food delivery - taco, $1. Quesadilla, $1. Chips with salsa, $1. Two items will take you over the top, and the sauce is gooooooooooooood.
6) Tapas. You gotta find the right spot, and this is a tall order in some neighorhoods, but some of these places have unreal steals. The plates are small, okay, but they're cheap - two'll do ya. And so, so tasty.
7) Frozen meal. Even if you forget your lunch, high thee to the supermercato for the delights of frozen food, at the buyer's market price of $2 - sometimes 3 for $5. So what if it's an approximation of food. This is a list about eating for less than $5.
8) Cup-o-soup. If you don't go to Hale and Hearty, you can pretty much sniff out a $4 bucket of soup. Good and good for you, as long as your chicken is not free-range. (Please see qualifier for #7.)
9) Sushi. Iffn you hit the right place, you can waltz away with sush for about $4 - just enough to grab a bottle of water and hit work anew. You'll be hungry again in the afternoon, but it's good for you. Remember that you're on a budget and 10 pounds overweight.
10) Beer. Old reliable. You can get a forty of light whatever for $2.50 in my hood, and $5 in the city - combines your meal and your drink. Fuck a fruit-chunked smoothy or a protein shake. For in the words of my eternally quotable partner in crime Rack, "I don't wanna eat my drink. I wanna drink my dinner."
Labels: gluttony, NYC, thriftiness
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Shin Ramyun has kimchi spices in it. It RULESE. I mean, it rules. If I weren't so drunk right now from drinking wine (and by wine, I mean scotch) with Broadway Annie right now, I'd write some eloquent shit about my love for Shin Ramyun, and that would be so fucking cool you all would tell your children about it. But dude, it's tottlez $0.79, not $1.89, at least at Pearl River Mart. I'd like to see this high-falutin' $1.89 "ramyun". Dude, you got ripped off!
P.S. Props to me for writing so grammatically correctly in my extremely drunken state on my own goddamn website right now.
P.S. Props to me for writing so grammatically correctly in my extremely drunken state on my own goddamn website right now.
Shit, I just said "right now" twice. Not that I'm worried...Hemingway was a drunkard, so I'm just that much closer to realizing my dream.
Let's not forget the undisputed champion of the food-value world: The $1.50 hot dog and soda from Costco. Nothing comes close. Nothing.
Raz, time is money, and the Pearl River Mart requires travel and forward planning. I was ripped off on my Shin' at the corner 5th ave deli, but Lord almighty, sure beats the cost of staying late and the price of other food there - let alone elbowing consumers or, say, getting my shit together to shop for meals.
And MH - I herald the hotdog as a staple of the low budg diet, but only because others tell me so. My lifelong vegetarian ass gave ye olde frank one shot and I puked for three days. So that's all you - and you, gentle readers.
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And MH - I herald the hotdog as a staple of the low budg diet, but only because others tell me so. My lifelong vegetarian ass gave ye olde frank one shot and I puked for three days. So that's all you - and you, gentle readers.
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