Monday, November 27, 2006
Fergie is weak
For some reason, some of my friends continue to argue with me about whether or not the shiteous, pant-pissing Fergie has had plastic surgery. In fact, she has had her face carved up like the (spectacular) turkey I made this Thanksgiving, and, I suspect, some gender reassignment work done on her plumbing. Regardless of what Fergie is rocking in her nether regions, thanks to her new solo album, the world is being tormented with an entire album's worth of her "music," which is a euphemism for "potent inducer of suicidal ideation." However, Fergie's increased media exposure, curse to humanity though it may be, has resulted in gems like the video below popping up on YouTube. This is from season five of the "Mickey Mouse Club"-ripoff show "Kids, Inc.", in which Fergie covers Belinda Carlisle's "I Get Weak" while wandering around a discarded set from Clash of the Titans in an outfit reminiscent of both Little Bo Peep and that chick from Gladiator who was torn between fucking Russell Crowe and (her brother) Joaquin Phoenix:
This pre-op video should definitively prove that Fergie did indeed spend copious amounts of time at Dr. 90210's office getting her entire fucking face reconstructed. See for yourself:
First off, the bitch absolutely had her eyes done. Note how preteen Roman aristocrat Fergie's eyebrows hang steadily, with a natural curve, on her brow ridge. Now look at post-op tranny Fergie's eyebrows, which look like a half-pipe between her eyes. THAT'S FROM SURGERY!
Second, regarding Fergie's mouth, I have just two words to say: LIP ENHANCEMENT. See how markedly larger Fergie's bottom lip has become? Lips don't get bigger as you age unless you go see a nice doctor who injects them full of collagen.
Also, note the lines around Fergie's mouth and nose. I'm-an-extra-in-the-cast-of-"Rome" Fergie's face has only the natural lines that occur when you smile or talk. However, old stank ho Fergie has ditches in her face large enough to pass for a castle moat. This occurs because of more prominent cheekbones stretching the skin. Since cheekbones also don't increase in mass between the ages of sixteen and forty (or however old Fergie's broke ass is now), I'm putting my money on major cheek implants. This is indisputable; it looks like she has shoulder blades on her face, for God's sake!
There are also marked differences in her chin. See how young mythological Fergie's chin rounds to a point? I'm guessing that as she grew older and decided to reinvent herself as a maddeningly annoying self-proclaimed hip-hop artist, she decided that her chin was too long. Undoubtedly she couldn't feel confident singing aural holocausts like "Fergalicious" unless she had Gargamel from "The Smurfs"'s chin.
Finally, we get to the piece de resistance: Fergie's nose. Originally, her nose was not particularly attractive, and somewhat similar to a pig's (or, alternatively, a Chingy!'s) snout. While there wasn't much for the surgeon to work with (last I checked, they haven't invented nose transplants yet, otherwise Michael Jackson wouldn't be frightening away all the children he's trying to molest with his scary schnozz), Fergie definitely had the bridge of her nose shaved down and trimmed on the sides. That shit has rhinoplasty written all over it.
I'm not even going to get started on all the bodywork Fergie's had done except to say that prior to being on her chest, her tits were probably previously stored under airplane seats for use in case of a water landing. This bitch has had so much surgery, she makes Joan Rivers seem like a natural beauty in comparison. I think that the debate about Fergie's surgical status ends here, and I win. She's had LOTS of it. And she'll probably still have more, right in time for her next album to drop like the turd that it is.
This pre-op video should definitively prove that Fergie did indeed spend copious amounts of time at Dr. 90210's office getting her entire fucking face reconstructed. See for yourself:
First off, the bitch absolutely had her eyes done. Note how preteen Roman aristocrat Fergie's eyebrows hang steadily, with a natural curve, on her brow ridge. Now look at post-op tranny Fergie's eyebrows, which look like a half-pipe between her eyes. THAT'S FROM SURGERY!
Second, regarding Fergie's mouth, I have just two words to say: LIP ENHANCEMENT. See how markedly larger Fergie's bottom lip has become? Lips don't get bigger as you age unless you go see a nice doctor who injects them full of collagen.
Also, note the lines around Fergie's mouth and nose. I'm-an-extra-in-the-cast-of-"Rome" Fergie's face has only the natural lines that occur when you smile or talk. However, old stank ho Fergie has ditches in her face large enough to pass for a castle moat. This occurs because of more prominent cheekbones stretching the skin. Since cheekbones also don't increase in mass between the ages of sixteen and forty (or however old Fergie's broke ass is now), I'm putting my money on major cheek implants. This is indisputable; it looks like she has shoulder blades on her face, for God's sake!
There are also marked differences in her chin. See how young mythological Fergie's chin rounds to a point? I'm guessing that as she grew older and decided to reinvent herself as a maddeningly annoying self-proclaimed hip-hop artist, she decided that her chin was too long. Undoubtedly she couldn't feel confident singing aural holocausts like "Fergalicious" unless she had Gargamel from "The Smurfs"'s chin.
Finally, we get to the piece de resistance: Fergie's nose. Originally, her nose was not particularly attractive, and somewhat similar to a pig's (or, alternatively, a Chingy!'s) snout. While there wasn't much for the surgeon to work with (last I checked, they haven't invented nose transplants yet, otherwise Michael Jackson wouldn't be frightening away all the children he's trying to molest with his scary schnozz), Fergie definitely had the bridge of her nose shaved down and trimmed on the sides. That shit has rhinoplasty written all over it.
I'm not even going to get started on all the bodywork Fergie's had done except to say that prior to being on her chest, her tits were probably previously stored under airplane seats for use in case of a water landing. This bitch has had so much surgery, she makes Joan Rivers seem like a natural beauty in comparison. I think that the debate about Fergie's surgical status ends here, and I win. She's had LOTS of it. And she'll probably still have more, right in time for her next album to drop like the turd that it is.
Labels: Fergie, plastic surgery, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist, retard rage
Comments:
Links to this post:
<< Home
Cut out the Fergie bashing! People might start to think you're jealous of her because-oh I don't know, she's prettier, more talented, makes more money, has a hotter boyfriend, has a grammy, or gets way more attention. Oh wait people already do. You suck Razzy!
# posted by 
: 11/27/2006 4:57 PM
: 11/27/2006 4:57 PM
Anonymous,
Your little tantrum raises several points of discussion; I'll address each in seriatim:
Razzy is allegedly jealous of Fergie because:
1. Fergie is prettier than Razzy; I acknowledge that beauty is somewhat subjective, but seriously, do you really think that if you saw Fergie, sans makeup and plumbing putty, walk down the street, you would find her remarkable in any way? If you answer yes, I think you need to engage in some serious self-examination regarding your honesty.
2. Fergie is more talented than Razzy; In order to make that statement, you would need to have firsthand knowledge of both Razzy and Fergie. I'm sure you have neither. I, on the other hand, know Razzy quite well and for quite some time. And while I don't know Fergie at all, this fact alone puts me in a position unique to yours: I can attest to Razzy's wit, intellect and sense of humor. Apart from harmonizing on a few dreadful hip-hop tracks, I doubt Fergie could even spell "wit", let alone understand half the postings on this website (in this regard, I guess you and Fergie actually have something in common; congrats.).
3. Fergie makes more money than Razzy; Most definitely. She probably makes more money than all of us combined, which in itself, begs an obvious question: Just when did the American dream of meritocracy perish so completely? Sad, really.
4. Fergie has a Grammy and Razzy is Grammyless; Once again, Anonymous, you're spot on the mark with this one. But let's be honest here. The ranks of fellow Grammy winners includes such luminaries as Richard Marx, Slipknot and Wierd Al Yankovic (a 3-time winner!). Clearly, talent is no longer a prerequisite for accolades in this country (See above, #3). Moreover, I doubt VERY highly that Razzy is jealous of Fergie's Grammy. In fact, I'm sure she'd be much more jealous of Fergie if Fergie somehow managed to snag significant grant money from the government in lieu of her Grammy...which seems highly unlikely unless scientific study of Fergie is actually the subject of the grant proposal.
5. Fergie gets way more attention than Razzy; Maybe. Especially if attention is measured by the number and intensity of masturbatory urges losers like you undoubtedly satisfy on the regular by pulling it to images of Fergie. If, on the other hand, attention is measured by the quality of those bestowing it, I believe Razzy wins in a landslide.
On the whole, I find your comments worthless. They add nothing to this blog, nor do they speak highly of your emotional or intellectual development. In words you apparently understand, "you suck, Anonymous!". Please refrain from posting EVER again.
Your little tantrum raises several points of discussion; I'll address each in seriatim:
Razzy is allegedly jealous of Fergie because:
1. Fergie is prettier than Razzy; I acknowledge that beauty is somewhat subjective, but seriously, do you really think that if you saw Fergie, sans makeup and plumbing putty, walk down the street, you would find her remarkable in any way? If you answer yes, I think you need to engage in some serious self-examination regarding your honesty.
2. Fergie is more talented than Razzy; In order to make that statement, you would need to have firsthand knowledge of both Razzy and Fergie. I'm sure you have neither. I, on the other hand, know Razzy quite well and for quite some time. And while I don't know Fergie at all, this fact alone puts me in a position unique to yours: I can attest to Razzy's wit, intellect and sense of humor. Apart from harmonizing on a few dreadful hip-hop tracks, I doubt Fergie could even spell "wit", let alone understand half the postings on this website (in this regard, I guess you and Fergie actually have something in common; congrats.).
3. Fergie makes more money than Razzy; Most definitely. She probably makes more money than all of us combined, which in itself, begs an obvious question: Just when did the American dream of meritocracy perish so completely? Sad, really.
4. Fergie has a Grammy and Razzy is Grammyless; Once again, Anonymous, you're spot on the mark with this one. But let's be honest here. The ranks of fellow Grammy winners includes such luminaries as Richard Marx, Slipknot and Wierd Al Yankovic (a 3-time winner!). Clearly, talent is no longer a prerequisite for accolades in this country (See above, #3). Moreover, I doubt VERY highly that Razzy is jealous of Fergie's Grammy. In fact, I'm sure she'd be much more jealous of Fergie if Fergie somehow managed to snag significant grant money from the government in lieu of her Grammy...which seems highly unlikely unless scientific study of Fergie is actually the subject of the grant proposal.
5. Fergie gets way more attention than Razzy; Maybe. Especially if attention is measured by the number and intensity of masturbatory urges losers like you undoubtedly satisfy on the regular by pulling it to images of Fergie. If, on the other hand, attention is measured by the quality of those bestowing it, I believe Razzy wins in a landslide.
On the whole, I find your comments worthless. They add nothing to this blog, nor do they speak highly of your emotional or intellectual development. In words you apparently understand, "you suck, Anonymous!". Please refrain from posting EVER again.
All excellent points, Morrissey'sHair, and I thank you for your continued actions as a vigorous Razzy apologist. However, you forgot to address one of Anonymous's salient points: Fergie "has a hotter boyfriend" than me. I would first direct this particular hater to my numerous very hot boyfriends, and then point out that Josh Duhamel, star of the totally unwatched show "Las Vegas" as well as the upcoming Oscar shoo-in Turistas isn't anywhere on that list. That is because I make it a policy not to date closeted homosexuals who aren't named Curtis Jackson. However, given Fergie's status as a M2F transgendered person, I bet s/he and Mr. Duhamel are a perfect match. Therefore, I wish them the best and do not begrudge Fergie her hot butt pirate of a Hollywood C-lister.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
<< Home
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
