Thursday, November 02, 2006
I made my intro gettin' fucked in the Pinto...
...now I'm skin deep in the Lexus jeep. Well, as far as personal wealth goes I'm still pretty much in Pinto territory, but Lil' Kim lyrics are just fun to write. Since I've gotten a flurry of comments, e-mails, and MySpace messages from various Razzyphiles applauding my exposed breast Lil' Kim Halloween costume, I figured I'd just go ahead and shamelessly stick another picture of it up here.
Now, before all the haters come out of the woodwork telling me how fat I look, let me once again blame it on my fucking costume. After tearing apart TWO separate Ricky's locations on the Upper West Side, the only thing I could find that could conceivably be altered to resemble Lil' Kim's bedazzled off-the-breast VMA outfit from five years ago was this costume called "Ursa Minor":
Since this outfit is basically what would result if you allowed the people at Mattel to design uniforms for NASA, I assume that the "Ursa Minor" name refers to the Little Dipper constellation and NOT a small bear. Anyway, I was being jostled and prodded by the throngs of annoying Ricky's shoppers, and when I saw this after hours of searching, attempting in vain to explain my costume concept to the Ricky's staff (except the ladies at the wig counter...they got it), and feeling generally pissed-off and grouchy, I grabbed it. "No problem," I thought. "I'll just cut off that fucking ugly-ass lavender space-bib and petticoat, and since it's a leotard, it should be easy to fix it so that my right tit is hanging out." I noted that the costume said "One size fits all", but since the model wearing it on the package seemed relatively thin, I figured that the "one size" would be more geared toward women who don't shop at Lane Bryant. Why would fat people wear a costume involving a leotard in the first place?
How wrong I was. When I opened up the package, the tag on the leotard read "SIZE 14." SIZE 14?! I chided myself: Razzy, you stupid idiot, how could you not have realized that "one size fits all" obviously includes the rapidly growing ranks of the morbidly obese? As I was getting ready to hit the party at J-Sexy's house, she cackled her hearty, pealing laugh as she watched me desperately try to hide extra purple fabric by bunching it up my ass crack. Didn't work. I tried cinching the leotard with safety pins in various arrangements around my waist. Didn't work. I told J-Sexy when tying the skirt around my waist to incorporate as much spare leotard fabric as possible and "cinch that shit like I'm Scarlett O'Hara and you're lacing my goddamned corset". Didn't work. Nothing really worked, so although I managed to pull off a bold and daring Halloween look, I'm going to cringe at the illusion of fatness that this outfit gave me every time I see a picture of it for the rest of my life. I just try to channel my inner Queen Bee and repeat the inspirational lyrics to "Magic Stick" like a mantra: "this junk in my trunk ain't made for chumps."
Despite my concerns and self-consciousness, it seems that my exposed breast managed to distract everyone from the poorly fitted, relatively inaccurate approximation of Lil' Kim's purple VMA pantsuit. Yay for tits!
Now, before all the haters come out of the woodwork telling me how fat I look, let me once again blame it on my fucking costume. After tearing apart TWO separate Ricky's locations on the Upper West Side, the only thing I could find that could conceivably be altered to resemble Lil' Kim's bedazzled off-the-breast VMA outfit from five years ago was this costume called "Ursa Minor":
Since this outfit is basically what would result if you allowed the people at Mattel to design uniforms for NASA, I assume that the "Ursa Minor" name refers to the Little Dipper constellation and NOT a small bear. Anyway, I was being jostled and prodded by the throngs of annoying Ricky's shoppers, and when I saw this after hours of searching, attempting in vain to explain my costume concept to the Ricky's staff (except the ladies at the wig counter...they got it), and feeling generally pissed-off and grouchy, I grabbed it. "No problem," I thought. "I'll just cut off that fucking ugly-ass lavender space-bib and petticoat, and since it's a leotard, it should be easy to fix it so that my right tit is hanging out." I noted that the costume said "One size fits all", but since the model wearing it on the package seemed relatively thin, I figured that the "one size" would be more geared toward women who don't shop at Lane Bryant. Why would fat people wear a costume involving a leotard in the first place?
How wrong I was. When I opened up the package, the tag on the leotard read "SIZE 14." SIZE 14?! I chided myself: Razzy, you stupid idiot, how could you not have realized that "one size fits all" obviously includes the rapidly growing ranks of the morbidly obese? As I was getting ready to hit the party at J-Sexy's house, she cackled her hearty, pealing laugh as she watched me desperately try to hide extra purple fabric by bunching it up my ass crack. Didn't work. I tried cinching the leotard with safety pins in various arrangements around my waist. Didn't work. I told J-Sexy when tying the skirt around my waist to incorporate as much spare leotard fabric as possible and "cinch that shit like I'm Scarlett O'Hara and you're lacing my goddamned corset". Didn't work. Nothing really worked, so although I managed to pull off a bold and daring Halloween look, I'm going to cringe at the illusion of fatness that this outfit gave me every time I see a picture of it for the rest of my life. I just try to channel my inner Queen Bee and repeat the inspirational lyrics to "Magic Stick" like a mantra: "this junk in my trunk ain't made for chumps."
Despite my concerns and self-consciousness, it seems that my exposed breast managed to distract everyone from the poorly fitted, relatively inaccurate approximation of Lil' Kim's purple VMA pantsuit. Yay for tits!
Labels: Halloween, Lil' Kim, nudity, rap, Razzification
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Jeez. You are super f-cking hot. That's a rockin bod. And great legs. Not like quite Lil' Kim, but not bad at all! More breats please. I need to see more of Razzy's breast! Who else agrees???
please keep your hideously pasty chicken-legged self covered. truly vomit inducing. lil kim would WHOP you upside your ugly pasty head if she ever saw you trying to rock her steez...
# posted by 
: 12/02/2006 8:38 PM
: 12/02/2006 8:38 PM
please keep your hideously pasty chicken-legged self covered. truly vomit inducing. lil kim would *WHOP* you upside yo' ugly pasty head if she ever saw a labrat like you trying to rock her steez...
# posted by : 12/03/2006 12:33 AM
: 12/03/2006 12:33 AM
thanks to a google search for ricky's costume and my insatiable thirst for bare and 'phenomenql breats'.. I stumbled across your much sought after homage to lil kim. Good work, yay for tits and congratz on having the balls not only to wear the altered ursa minor in public, but to post images and explanations too.
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