Saturday, November 25, 2006
I wanna bone Johnny Depp
Brothers and Sisters, let me say it again to testify: I wanna bone Johnny Depp.
I am positively nuts about this summumabitch. This is one of those psychoanalytical, pre-cognition obsessions. I've had a mean one for this guy since the earliest days of his career. I am no fan of horror flicks, but when Nightmare on Elm Street hit HBO at my childhood friend Tanning Bed's house, I watched with rapt attention as the evil Freddy sucked my young playboy's face off. I was in love. I watched ever single 21 Jumpstreet episode, every week on Sunday nights at 7. I saw Cry Baby in the theater, and snipped out the Big Bopper pics for my bedroom wall. Edward Scissorhands too, and I cried, and then I bought the VHS as soon as I was old enough to muscle in time at the VCR.
I even saw Nick of Time and Secret Window, the bastard, red-headed stepchildren of his interim career because I want him so baaaaaaad.
Sure, he's smoking hot, everyone knows that. But lots of people are that hot. The thing that makes this boy the only living guy I would call my boyfriend is that he's not only hot, he's totally rad. My grade school self was enraptured by his hotness proper. But Christian Slater didn't make the cut, nor did Ethan Hawke, because they are douches. Johnny Depp is the kang, and lemme tell you why:
Hunter Thompson. Not only can JD play Thompson [nd upcoming play one of his semi-autobiographical fictitious characters Paul Kemp] - but Thompson gave him the works. When they met and discussed the possibility of making a film out of Fear and Loathing, ole Hunter hauled his fellow Southerner to the ranch to set up some propane tanks and spend the evening exploding them with shotguns. When it came time for the movie to be shot, Thompson did Depp's hair himself using a mining helmet, complete with to-the-tee bald spot, and lent him his 1970s issue jacket. It takes a great deal to obtain that level of endorsement, especially from a crotchety durg-addled genius degenerate like HST.Keith Richards. This man cannot be beat for inspirato.
Tattoos. I steal a great joke from my pal Red - he can laser that "Winona Forever" tat to read "Wino Forever" and be in fine shape. And anyway, pass the bottle. And a ciggy while you're at it.
Freaks, Geeks and Weirdos. The softspots in Depp's career come when he tries to play someone totally normal. He takes the piss out of odd characters that would prove the insufficient mettle of most talent. Edward Scissorhands is weird. Benny & Joon is weird. From Hell is weird.
He's at his best as an opiate fiend, an aberration of science, a Queer as Fuck director, an insane candyman. Even Gilbert Grape was a nut by association. Be it wreckified greaser or metal-fingered freaks, semi-gothic-but-not-annoying swashbucklers and nutjobs, he's cornered the market in dark and eccentric. And you guessed it, he's hot the whole time.Kentucky. Bourbon. Guns. Colorful charcters. Mountains & horses and shit. I eat it up. And anyway, see last four thousand posts, I'm tired of Yankees.
Hairless. No need to say more.
So if you ever meet this man, do me a favor and tell him he can c-c-c-c-c-awl me anytime, any place. And to bring his hot wife to sweeten the deal for us all. Amen.
Labels: hot dudes, Hunter S. Thompson fetish, Johnny Depp, perversion, sex
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