Friday, November 10, 2006
Poppin' Razzy's thangs
I've gotten several queries about my feelings regarding Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson. Why does he hold #1 boyfriend status? Why is he your top MySpace friend? Don't you know he's gay?
Well, yes, but that's not the point. If anyone still has any doubts about 50's status on the down low, you should check out his Vitamin Water bus ads, which feature a ribbed mock turtleneck-clad 50 carrying a New York Times, a bottle of Formula 50, and a Jack Russell terrier beneath the caption "No groupies, no rented mansion, just 50." Since I couldn't find a picture of that on the internet (reason #457 why I desperately need a digital camera), here is the next best thing, a screen capture from the Vitamin Water website about his signature grape-flavored health beverage. How much you want to bet the ad exec who wrote this got paid extra for every authentic rap word they managed to incorporate in the text? I mean, "a cheddar check-in with the accountants"? Come ON.
Anyway, in spite of his faggy beverage endorsements, the reasons I love 50 so much are so numerous I could fill a large tome. Nobody wants to read that, so I'll just explain the genesis of my 50 adoration. I first became interested in him after seeing the G-Unit's "Poppin Them Thangs" video. The premise of this video is that the Gorilla Unit is a high-powered heavy hitter in the world of international organized crime, and they are attending a meeting with a number of bigwigs presumably inspired by Grand Theft Auto games.
Somehow we are supposed to believe that 50 Cent, accompanied by his henchmen Lloyd Banks and Young Buck, is the leader of the G-Unit branch of this global crime syndicate. The camera pans around the table and the viewer is introduced to the various criminal overlords of the Japanese Yakuza, the Russian Mafiya, some random Colombian cartel, the Chinese Triad, the Hell's Angels, the Don Whatever family of New York, and...the G-Unit. Then the boys from G-Unit start rapping, and it's immediately apparent why they are included in this group. 50 starts off the song by talking about how he beat up his baby mama for cussing him out after the 2002 VMAs, how he cuts the grass where he walks so you can see his sneakers, which female R&B singers he wants to bang (good luck with Missy Elliott, dude...everyone knows she's a big old lesbo), and accessorizing cars with his clothes. Lloyd Banks and Young Buck then clarify that they are out for vengeance (against who and for what is unclear), as Lloyd says "I'm out for revenge like one of Bin Laden's cousins" and Buck says, "On the front of the Maybach it say 'payback'". I am still not sure what the G-Unit brings to the metaphorical table at this clandestine warehouse meeting of the high-powered criminal underworld, but I guess it has something to do with drug dealing, as right after Lloyd Banks brags about a woman who had his balls head first like a soccer star, he says something about how he "takes care of birds like an animal doctor." I suppose that given Tony Yayo was in absentia due to being in prison for the extremely gangsta crime of possessing a phony passport, the G-Unit is also useful for their expertise at forgery.
It seems that the other criminal leaders are not fond of 50 Cent and the G-Unit, because his "theatrics" are "bad for business." 50 doesn't care, and announces that he "wants in" on the myriad illicit money-making schemes, such as "sanitation contracts in Chicago" and "corporate takeovers in Japan." The other leaders oppose this, so 50 invites half of Jamaica, Queens to the warehouse, scaring everyone and paving the way for Tony Yayo to own a trucking company as a front for more sordid enterprises.
Anyway, just watch it for yourself, because this video is absurd and hilarious, and after seeing it, I immediately made a point to familiarize myself with all of 50's greatest achievements. Then I fell in love. And that's why 50 is my main man. If he's not yours after watching this, then there's something wrong with you.
Well, yes, but that's not the point. If anyone still has any doubts about 50's status on the down low, you should check out his Vitamin Water bus ads, which feature a ribbed mock turtleneck-clad 50 carrying a New York Times, a bottle of Formula 50, and a Jack Russell terrier beneath the caption "No groupies, no rented mansion, just 50." Since I couldn't find a picture of that on the internet (reason #457 why I desperately need a digital camera), here is the next best thing, a screen capture from the Vitamin Water website about his signature grape-flavored health beverage. How much you want to bet the ad exec who wrote this got paid extra for every authentic rap word they managed to incorporate in the text? I mean, "a cheddar check-in with the accountants"? Come ON.
Anyway, in spite of his faggy beverage endorsements, the reasons I love 50 so much are so numerous I could fill a large tome. Nobody wants to read that, so I'll just explain the genesis of my 50 adoration. I first became interested in him after seeing the G-Unit's "Poppin Them Thangs" video. The premise of this video is that the Gorilla Unit is a high-powered heavy hitter in the world of international organized crime, and they are attending a meeting with a number of bigwigs presumably inspired by Grand Theft Auto games.
Somehow we are supposed to believe that 50 Cent, accompanied by his henchmen Lloyd Banks and Young Buck, is the leader of the G-Unit branch of this global crime syndicate. The camera pans around the table and the viewer is introduced to the various criminal overlords of the Japanese Yakuza, the Russian Mafiya, some random Colombian cartel, the Chinese Triad, the Hell's Angels, the Don Whatever family of New York, and...the G-Unit. Then the boys from G-Unit start rapping, and it's immediately apparent why they are included in this group. 50 starts off the song by talking about how he beat up his baby mama for cussing him out after the 2002 VMAs, how he cuts the grass where he walks so you can see his sneakers, which female R&B singers he wants to bang (good luck with Missy Elliott, dude...everyone knows she's a big old lesbo), and accessorizing cars with his clothes. Lloyd Banks and Young Buck then clarify that they are out for vengeance (against who and for what is unclear), as Lloyd says "I'm out for revenge like one of Bin Laden's cousins" and Buck says, "On the front of the Maybach it say 'payback'". I am still not sure what the G-Unit brings to the metaphorical table at this clandestine warehouse meeting of the high-powered criminal underworld, but I guess it has something to do with drug dealing, as right after Lloyd Banks brags about a woman who had his balls head first like a soccer star, he says something about how he "takes care of birds like an animal doctor." I suppose that given Tony Yayo was in absentia due to being in prison for the extremely gangsta crime of possessing a phony passport, the G-Unit is also useful for their expertise at forgery.
It seems that the other criminal leaders are not fond of 50 Cent and the G-Unit, because his "theatrics" are "bad for business." 50 doesn't care, and announces that he "wants in" on the myriad illicit money-making schemes, such as "sanitation contracts in Chicago" and "corporate takeovers in Japan." The other leaders oppose this, so 50 invites half of Jamaica, Queens to the warehouse, scaring everyone and paving the way for Tony Yayo to own a trucking company as a front for more sordid enterprises.
Anyway, just watch it for yourself, because this video is absurd and hilarious, and after seeing it, I immediately made a point to familiarize myself with all of 50's greatest achievements. Then I fell in love. And that's why 50 is my main man. If he's not yours after watching this, then there's something wrong with you.
Labels: 50 cent, boyfriends, hilarious shit, I LOVE IT, rap, ridiculous absurdity
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It pains me to have to point out the obvious, but:
(1) 50 cannot rap. 50 does not rap. 50 mumbles about going to the club in a voice that sounds like he's the bitch in a teabagging session. And he most likely is. If you want to hear rap, listen to Tribe, EPMD, even Snoopaloop.
(2) On a more scientific note, 50 may be just the thing to thwart bible-thumping creationists and the intellectual midgets espousing intelligent design. He's a goddamn missing link. And no "supreme being" with any intelligence would design him.
(3) 50 is a marketing ploy not a person. And it frightens me, but does not surprise me, that such a ploy worked. 50 embodies everything that is wrong with the music industry and with our society as a whole. He's a talentless hack with no lyrical or musical ability whatsoever. And if that's what people want, they deserve it. His popularity derives from the children of the idiots who elected our current president. Fucking cocksuckers, the lot of them.
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(1) 50 cannot rap. 50 does not rap. 50 mumbles about going to the club in a voice that sounds like he's the bitch in a teabagging session. And he most likely is. If you want to hear rap, listen to Tribe, EPMD, even Snoopaloop.
(2) On a more scientific note, 50 may be just the thing to thwart bible-thumping creationists and the intellectual midgets espousing intelligent design. He's a goddamn missing link. And no "supreme being" with any intelligence would design him.
(3) 50 is a marketing ploy not a person. And it frightens me, but does not surprise me, that such a ploy worked. 50 embodies everything that is wrong with the music industry and with our society as a whole. He's a talentless hack with no lyrical or musical ability whatsoever. And if that's what people want, they deserve it. His popularity derives from the children of the idiots who elected our current president. Fucking cocksuckers, the lot of them.
# posted by 
: 11/10/2006 10:52 AM
: 11/10/2006 10:52 AM 
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