Monday, November 20, 2006
Shove your fourth meal up your fat ass
I got home tonight with fifteen minutes to spare before kickoff of the Jags-Giants game, and was watching a totally informative show during Monday Night Countdown commercials, what should be a highly acclaimed documentary on Vh1 entitled "Vh1 Presents Celebrity Breakups." So far, they've covered the usual suspects Leo and Giselle, Hilary and Chad, Paris and Paris, Lance and Sheryl, Da Hoff and his crazy Vicodin-addicted wife, Pam and Tommy, Brad and Jen, Christina Applegate and her whoever her husband was, and now to my disbelief is covering Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx and Playmate/Star of "Baywatch Nights" Donna D'Errico's failed marriage (I didn't even know they were married). We have Nick and Jessica's story (yawn) to look forward to. This is a little out of date because there's no mention of Reese and Ryan or Britney and FedEx, but this show rules. Perez Hilton is also one of the pundits, and he is a fabulous pink-cheeked piglet delivering some righteous bitchery. However, I can't really get into this because I'm still raging about a commercial I saw which inspired me to flip to the "Celebrity Breakups" in the first place.
Taco Bell has launched a new advertising campaign centered around the concept of the "Fourth Meal." Basically, these commercials imply that you should be eating an additional meal, and that meal should be obtained at the Taco Bell late-night window.
In the ad I saw, an ugly dude is digging through the office fridge, and is about to steal some bitch's food, when another ugly dude comes in and chastises him for his rapacious ways, then insists that he get an honestly obtained "fourth meal" at Taco Bell. Then the ad reminds everyone that Taco Bell sells all sorts of disgusting shit for really cheap, like the Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito, which is a fried burrito filled with mechanically separated chicken product, enchilada sauce containing at least 200 mg/mL MSG, a rice-lard paste, and some suspiciously serpentine-looking processed cheese. My thought when seeing this is not, "Wow, I'm hungry, I guess I should incorporate a fourth meal consisting of a fucking Stuft heart attack in a flour tortilla." I also have major problems with the spelling of "stuffed." I mean, "stuft"? Who gave the Taco Bell executives license to resort to a Canterbury Tales-era spelling for marketing purposes? However, my biggest problem is the fact that encouraging people to eat this fourth meal bullshit is directly making more of these:
I simply cannot tolerate anything that brings more fat people in the world. Fat people just piss me off. I've had a few times in my life where my body was getting pretty soft in undesirable areas, like my thighs and my stomach. Did I eat a fucking fourth meal? NO! I went to the goddamned gym, ate salads, and switched to Heineken Light. However, I constantly have to go out of my way to accommodate people who are too lazy to do this and insist on eating things like Stuft burritoes and burn it off with a vigorous nap.
Today, for example, I went to the grocery store by my house and purchased the ingredients for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm making the whole spread--turkey, gravy, stuffing, potatoes, cranberry sauce, pies, etc.--for a ragtag posse of orphan grad students and Smith bitches who aren't spending the holiday with their families, so I decided to go shopping this morning to avoid crowds. Despite the relative emptiness of the Pathmark store, I still managed to get stuck behind not one but two fat bitches taking up space and shuffling along at a snail's pace. One woman with no obvious disability besides her morbid obesity was riding one of those Lark scooters, right down the middle of the store aisles, at a pace befitting the walking speed of her only barely ambulatory hippopotamus of a shopping companion. The woman on the scooter kept stopping and demanding that her assistant take things off the shelves and hand them to her for inspection. "Is this safe for my diabetes?" I heard the woman ask her companion, who shrugged as they shamelessly held up traffic in the canned vegetable aisle where I was seeking pumpkin for my pie. Once she resolved that the canned honey yams were, in her totally incorrect opinion, diabetes-friendly, she noticed that there was a Pathmark employee stocking a shelf in her path and she laid on her scooter horn until he moved out of the aisle. I finally managed to maneuver my extremely squeaky granny cart, straining under my 19-pound turkey and 20-pound bag of Healthy Weight Beneful for the boys' Thanksgiving dinner, around the fat people and finish my shopping before my blood pressure rocketed into stroke or aneurysm territory.
This sort of thing happens all the time. I get stuck behind fat people trudging up the subway steps and acting like they're climbing Mt. Everest. I get bumped into by unapologetic fat people on the train. I have to stand in my uncomfortable high heels and try to read my nerdy history book while holding onto the pestilent balance poles when these same fat people take up 1.5-2 seats on my commute. I see fat children, high on sugar, racing around demonically outside the McDonald's next to the Washington Heights Rite Aid, often coming dangerously close to touching me. And why? Because of things like Stuft Burritoes and the concept of a fourth meal. It's NOT COOL. Not even celebrity breakups or, now, a decent Monday Night Football matchup can mitigate my anger at one more bunch of corporate assholes throwing gasoline on the fat people fire by encouraging a meal of garbage between dinner and breakfast. Fuck Taco Bell and their contributing to fat acceptance by making more fat people. Stop the epidemic! No more fat people!
Taco Bell has launched a new advertising campaign centered around the concept of the "Fourth Meal." Basically, these commercials imply that you should be eating an additional meal, and that meal should be obtained at the Taco Bell late-night window.
In the ad I saw, an ugly dude is digging through the office fridge, and is about to steal some bitch's food, when another ugly dude comes in and chastises him for his rapacious ways, then insists that he get an honestly obtained "fourth meal" at Taco Bell. Then the ad reminds everyone that Taco Bell sells all sorts of disgusting shit for really cheap, like the Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito, which is a fried burrito filled with mechanically separated chicken product, enchilada sauce containing at least 200 mg/mL MSG, a rice-lard paste, and some suspiciously serpentine-looking processed cheese. My thought when seeing this is not, "Wow, I'm hungry, I guess I should incorporate a fourth meal consisting of a fucking Stuft heart attack in a flour tortilla." I also have major problems with the spelling of "stuffed." I mean, "stuft"? Who gave the Taco Bell executives license to resort to a Canterbury Tales-era spelling for marketing purposes? However, my biggest problem is the fact that encouraging people to eat this fourth meal bullshit is directly making more of these:
I simply cannot tolerate anything that brings more fat people in the world. Fat people just piss me off. I've had a few times in my life where my body was getting pretty soft in undesirable areas, like my thighs and my stomach. Did I eat a fucking fourth meal? NO! I went to the goddamned gym, ate salads, and switched to Heineken Light. However, I constantly have to go out of my way to accommodate people who are too lazy to do this and insist on eating things like Stuft burritoes and burn it off with a vigorous nap.
Today, for example, I went to the grocery store by my house and purchased the ingredients for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm making the whole spread--turkey, gravy, stuffing, potatoes, cranberry sauce, pies, etc.--for a ragtag posse of orphan grad students and Smith bitches who aren't spending the holiday with their families, so I decided to go shopping this morning to avoid crowds. Despite the relative emptiness of the Pathmark store, I still managed to get stuck behind not one but two fat bitches taking up space and shuffling along at a snail's pace. One woman with no obvious disability besides her morbid obesity was riding one of those Lark scooters, right down the middle of the store aisles, at a pace befitting the walking speed of her only barely ambulatory hippopotamus of a shopping companion. The woman on the scooter kept stopping and demanding that her assistant take things off the shelves and hand them to her for inspection. "Is this safe for my diabetes?" I heard the woman ask her companion, who shrugged as they shamelessly held up traffic in the canned vegetable aisle where I was seeking pumpkin for my pie. Once she resolved that the canned honey yams were, in her totally incorrect opinion, diabetes-friendly, she noticed that there was a Pathmark employee stocking a shelf in her path and she laid on her scooter horn until he moved out of the aisle. I finally managed to maneuver my extremely squeaky granny cart, straining under my 19-pound turkey and 20-pound bag of Healthy Weight Beneful for the boys' Thanksgiving dinner, around the fat people and finish my shopping before my blood pressure rocketed into stroke or aneurysm territory.
This sort of thing happens all the time. I get stuck behind fat people trudging up the subway steps and acting like they're climbing Mt. Everest. I get bumped into by unapologetic fat people on the train. I have to stand in my uncomfortable high heels and try to read my nerdy history book while holding onto the pestilent balance poles when these same fat people take up 1.5-2 seats on my commute. I see fat children, high on sugar, racing around demonically outside the McDonald's next to the Washington Heights Rite Aid, often coming dangerously close to touching me. And why? Because of things like Stuft Burritoes and the concept of a fourth meal. It's NOT COOL. Not even celebrity breakups or, now, a decent Monday Night Football matchup can mitigate my anger at one more bunch of corporate assholes throwing gasoline on the fat people fire by encouraging a meal of garbage between dinner and breakfast. Fuck Taco Bell and their contributing to fat acceptance by making more fat people. Stop the epidemic! No more fat people!
Labels: celebrities, fat fucks, gluttony, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
