Sunday, December 03, 2006
The best you can do is Craigslist casual encounters? Please.
So I just got home from a day which I thought was going to culminate in me having a speaker phone shouting match with a very angry woman who said that she's been waiting a long time for someone more competent at internet stalking than herself to post my personal information in a blog comment so she could call me up and tell me that I'm a dumb motherfuckin' ass bitch repeatedly. Oh, and I'm a racist, too. After that main point, she then unwisely tried to engage me in a loud-talking and interrupting competition, which anyone who knows me can tell you that I WOULD WIN. There are few people that can match me in volume and conversational aggression, and when you throw my eloquence in the mix, I'm pretty much like former Saints and Colts coach Jim Mora, Sr. in an argument. You had best just step the fuck back and shut the fuck up, because I will say meaner things than you can louder than you can, particularly when I'm fired up from a day of Bev Niner season one and pounding light beers with my bitches J-Sexy, JerseyGirl, and Rack. Anyway, the angry incompetent stalker tired me with her limited argument (apart from her reiteration of me being a "dumb motherfuckin' ass bitch", the only other cogent point of hers I understood was that I look like "a lab rat"), and my buddy Rack was ready for bed, so I hung up on her and retired to the uptown D train for my trip home.
My phone died on the way to the train while I was telling Morrissey'sHair about this crazy bitch calling me, as well as mentioning that I was walking by Jacob the Jeweler's store on 57th (in the diamond district, where my idol Lil' Kim flosses her Rolex rich shit). Since despite my asshole tendencies I'm impeccably courteous about saying "hello" and "goodbye" in phone conversations, I plugged in my phone as soon as I arrived home and took the d-o-double g's out for a neighborhood constitutional and a piss, and told Morrissey'sHair's voicemail goodbye. Immediately after hanging up, I heard my rather dated T.I. "What You Know" ringtone bragging about having keys by the three and when he chirps, shawty best chirp back, and the number was "restricted." I figured it was Dumb Motherfuckin' Ass Bitch, and answered it.
"Hello," I said in my frostiest, most bitchy tone.
"...Angie?" said a soft, creepy male voice, the sort of voice I associate with the guys on "To Catch a Predator" who tell the childlike-sounding actors entrapping them all about their intent to bring over a sixer of Bacardi O and how it won't hurt when they molest them.
"Angie's not available. This is Razzy you're talking to now, asshole. Is this about my website?" I demanded aggressively (in my real life, I'm equally unabashed, but fully embracing my internet alter-ego makes me totally tyrannical, ruthless, and ready to do some rape-the-women-and-kill-their-babies-in-front-of-them Mongol horde-style battle with morons that have nothing better to do than call me and yell at me for writing useless bullshit on my website. Angie has the tendency to be nice sometimes, so Razzy is the personality that handles all the dirty work).
"Website? Oh, yes," said Creepy Voice Guy.
"Well, spit it out. What's your problem with it? Are you going to call me a racist because I like R. Kelly? Does your fucking sister go to Smith, or what?"
There was a long pause.
"WELL?! I don't have all night!" I prompted, irritated. I was thinking, "Christ, if your sorry ass is going to tell me in the simplest language what an asshole/racist/ugly bitch I am, get on with it! I don't have the patience to put up with your fucking tortoise-esque pace. I have to get some sleep so I can get up early and watch football all day tomorrow."
"Um...Smith? Aren't you...weren't you...looking for some action?"
It was my turn to deliver a long pause. I'm always looking for some action, but not this variety. At first, I was like, great...not only people that totally hate me and wish female genital mutilation on me and advised me to carry mace in the interest of watching my dumb motherfuckin' ass bitch back (though I don't need that when I have an extremely loyal 110-lb. German Shepherd-Rottweiler named after the emperors of Rome, the lack of a criminal record necessary to easily get a semi-automatic handgun, and not a qualm in the world about getting one should I feel the need) have my phone number, but now weird creeps who want to fuck me do too. I've gotten a few e-mails from people who are like "your rejects page is funny LOLZ;p how about i cum over there and stroke ur sweet pussy call me pleeeeez!" When I get these, I just chuckle, think a couple "Are you fucking serious?" thoughts, and then try to get these guys to send me pictures of their weiners. To their credit, they're not usually THAT stupid. Initially I thought this phone call was either one of these guys jumping at the opportunity that some dumb Smith bitch posted all my personal contact info on the comment page, or some random dude that I gave my phone number to in one of many recent nights of drunken carousing. I decided that I would get to the bottom of this.
"So you're not calling to yell at me. You're actually trying to get laid, is that right?" I asked.
"Um...Craigslist said you were looking for some action. Your pictures are hot."
I see. This wasn't about directly about RAZZY.org. Since my (totally awesome) website has never been confused with Craigslist, I immediately deduced the reason for this call. Calling me a racist on my comment pages, posting my personal details, and making some pointless threats about telling on me to my not-giving-a-flying-fuck-about-my-blog PI has failed to make the haters feel satisfied that they've revenged whatever I did to offend them (pick one; my offenses are myriad). Therefore, they're playing dirty, and to prove that they spend most of what life they have hating me, they're putting my phone number and work e-mail in the "casual encounters" section of Craigslist.
"Look, dude, I have enemies, and I thought you were one of them. I was prepared to destroy you, but now I see that we've moved to more covert means of warfare than an outright guns-blazing showdown. Someone who is not me put that query on Craigslist," I explained to the creepy-sounding guy on the phone, who was presumably baffled by getting a MUCH different response than he anticipated for by being the unfortunate dude who called me first. He was totally silent in response to this. "So move on to the next casual encounter. I'm totally not going to fuck you."
"I'm so sor-" he began, but I hung up and cut him off, and immediately went to Craigslist. I had more pressing issues than listening to his apology.
I was expecting something much dirtier, like "Spank me with a ping-pong paddle while you violate my anal tract" or "Shit on me and make me your whore." Instead, I was disappointed to see that whoever thought of this stinging way to get back at me just left this lame posting:
Yeah, I'm really upset that you put me in my Halloween costume up there. I only posted that twice on my blog. I was hoping it would remain secret. And it's really embarrassing that you dug up that full-frontal picture of me from that old Kate and Camilla shoot I did months ago. Why didn't you just stick them all up there? Like this one:
Or this one, where I look especially pasty, a point that seems to be a favorite among my detractors. Also, I'm kind of fat!
I suppose that whoever did this would think that I'd be EXTREMELY upset that this was posted on Craigslist, but that whoever didn't factor in one important thing. I have NO SHAME, and my only concern is that you couldn't come up with anything more creative than "I like it NASTY", which is actually pretty accurate. And really, if anything this was helpful. I'm probably going to get all kinds of hilarious intended-to-be-enticing dick pictures in my e-mail inbox. Also, since whoever posted this probably thinks I'm ugly/have chicken legs/am otherwise physically revolting, I can now counter these arguments with the fact so far I've sent literally FIFTY calls from numbers I didn't recognize to voicemail and deleted roughly 15 "Il fuk u proper grl" text messages, and thus there's a lot of Craigslist perverts who would dispute your variations on the "your a ugly pale racist asshole" theme of badly spelled and totally boring comebacks.
If you want me to shut the fuck up about whatever I said that pissed you off, then STOP ENCOURAGING ME TO SAY MORE by doing shit like this. I will stop talking about you if I forget about you, and since I am blonde and totally self-absorbed, that will be immediately unless you continue to remind me that you exist, are stupid, and are determined to wage some petty war with me. It's like the war on drugs or terror, you assholes. You won't lose, but you sure as hell aren't going to win, either, so give it up and stop wasting everybody's time.
My phone died on the way to the train while I was telling Morrissey'sHair about this crazy bitch calling me, as well as mentioning that I was walking by Jacob the Jeweler's store on 57th (in the diamond district, where my idol Lil' Kim flosses her Rolex rich shit). Since despite my asshole tendencies I'm impeccably courteous about saying "hello" and "goodbye" in phone conversations, I plugged in my phone as soon as I arrived home and took the d-o-double g's out for a neighborhood constitutional and a piss, and told Morrissey'sHair's voicemail goodbye. Immediately after hanging up, I heard my rather dated T.I. "What You Know" ringtone bragging about having keys by the three and when he chirps, shawty best chirp back, and the number was "restricted." I figured it was Dumb Motherfuckin' Ass Bitch, and answered it.
"Hello," I said in my frostiest, most bitchy tone.
"...Angie?" said a soft, creepy male voice, the sort of voice I associate with the guys on "To Catch a Predator" who tell the childlike-sounding actors entrapping them all about their intent to bring over a sixer of Bacardi O and how it won't hurt when they molest them.
"Angie's not available. This is Razzy you're talking to now, asshole. Is this about my website?" I demanded aggressively (in my real life, I'm equally unabashed, but fully embracing my internet alter-ego makes me totally tyrannical, ruthless, and ready to do some rape-the-women-and-kill-their-babies-in-front-of-them Mongol horde-style battle with morons that have nothing better to do than call me and yell at me for writing useless bullshit on my website. Angie has the tendency to be nice sometimes, so Razzy is the personality that handles all the dirty work).
"Website? Oh, yes," said Creepy Voice Guy.
"Well, spit it out. What's your problem with it? Are you going to call me a racist because I like R. Kelly? Does your fucking sister go to Smith, or what?"
There was a long pause.
"WELL?! I don't have all night!" I prompted, irritated. I was thinking, "Christ, if your sorry ass is going to tell me in the simplest language what an asshole/racist/ugly bitch I am, get on with it! I don't have the patience to put up with your fucking tortoise-esque pace. I have to get some sleep so I can get up early and watch football all day tomorrow."
"Um...Smith? Aren't you...weren't you...looking for some action?"
It was my turn to deliver a long pause. I'm always looking for some action, but not this variety. At first, I was like, great...not only people that totally hate me and wish female genital mutilation on me and advised me to carry mace in the interest of watching my dumb motherfuckin' ass bitch back (though I don't need that when I have an extremely loyal 110-lb. German Shepherd-Rottweiler named after the emperors of Rome, the lack of a criminal record necessary to easily get a semi-automatic handgun, and not a qualm in the world about getting one should I feel the need) have my phone number, but now weird creeps who want to fuck me do too. I've gotten a few e-mails from people who are like "your rejects page is funny LOLZ;p how about i cum over there and stroke ur sweet pussy call me pleeeeez!" When I get these, I just chuckle, think a couple "Are you fucking serious?" thoughts, and then try to get these guys to send me pictures of their weiners. To their credit, they're not usually THAT stupid. Initially I thought this phone call was either one of these guys jumping at the opportunity that some dumb Smith bitch posted all my personal contact info on the comment page, or some random dude that I gave my phone number to in one of many recent nights of drunken carousing. I decided that I would get to the bottom of this.
"So you're not calling to yell at me. You're actually trying to get laid, is that right?" I asked.
"Um...Craigslist said you were looking for some action. Your pictures are hot."
I see. This wasn't about directly about RAZZY.org. Since my (totally awesome) website has never been confused with Craigslist, I immediately deduced the reason for this call. Calling me a racist on my comment pages, posting my personal details, and making some pointless threats about telling on me to my not-giving-a-flying-fuck-about-my-blog PI has failed to make the haters feel satisfied that they've revenged whatever I did to offend them (pick one; my offenses are myriad). Therefore, they're playing dirty, and to prove that they spend most of what life they have hating me, they're putting my phone number and work e-mail in the "casual encounters" section of Craigslist.
"Look, dude, I have enemies, and I thought you were one of them. I was prepared to destroy you, but now I see that we've moved to more covert means of warfare than an outright guns-blazing showdown. Someone who is not me put that query on Craigslist," I explained to the creepy-sounding guy on the phone, who was presumably baffled by getting a MUCH different response than he anticipated for by being the unfortunate dude who called me first. He was totally silent in response to this. "So move on to the next casual encounter. I'm totally not going to fuck you."
"I'm so sor-" he began, but I hung up and cut him off, and immediately went to Craigslist. I had more pressing issues than listening to his apology.
I was expecting something much dirtier, like "Spank me with a ping-pong paddle while you violate my anal tract" or "Shit on me and make me your whore." Instead, I was disappointed to see that whoever thought of this stinging way to get back at me just left this lame posting:
Yeah, I'm really upset that you put me in my Halloween costume up there. I only posted that twice on my blog. I was hoping it would remain secret. And it's really embarrassing that you dug up that full-frontal picture of me from that old Kate and Camilla shoot I did months ago. Why didn't you just stick them all up there? Like this one:
Or this one, where I look especially pasty, a point that seems to be a favorite among my detractors. Also, I'm kind of fat!
I suppose that whoever did this would think that I'd be EXTREMELY upset that this was posted on Craigslist, but that whoever didn't factor in one important thing. I have NO SHAME, and my only concern is that you couldn't come up with anything more creative than "I like it NASTY", which is actually pretty accurate. And really, if anything this was helpful. I'm probably going to get all kinds of hilarious intended-to-be-enticing dick pictures in my e-mail inbox. Also, since whoever posted this probably thinks I'm ugly/have chicken legs/am otherwise physically revolting, I can now counter these arguments with the fact so far I've sent literally FIFTY calls from numbers I didn't recognize to voicemail and deleted roughly 15 "Il fuk u proper grl" text messages, and thus there's a lot of Craigslist perverts who would dispute your variations on the "your a ugly pale racist asshole" theme of badly spelled and totally boring comebacks.
If you want me to shut the fuck up about whatever I said that pissed you off, then STOP ENCOURAGING ME TO SAY MORE by doing shit like this. I will stop talking about you if I forget about you, and since I am blonde and totally self-absorbed, that will be immediately unless you continue to remind me that you exist, are stupid, and are determined to wage some petty war with me. It's like the war on drugs or terror, you assholes. You won't lose, but you sure as hell aren't going to win, either, so give it up and stop wasting everybody's time.
Labels: defiance, Dumb Smith bitches, nudity, perversion, Razzy Haters, Tej Offensive, weiners
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[Also, since whoever posted this probably thinks I'm ugly/have chicken legs/am otherwise physically revolting, I can now counter these arguments with the fact so far I've sent literally FIFTY calls from numbers I didn't recognize to voicement and deleted roughly 15 "Il fuk u proper grl" text messages, and thus there's a lot of Craigslist perverts who would dispute your "your a ugly asshole" arguments.]
girl, you've received solicitations for free sex, not compliments on your pasty, dog-faced self. the lights can stay off.
[STOP ENCOURAGING ME TO SAY MORE]
you're predictable; you always say more. yawn. enjoy the game! (seahawks rule! like, ohmygod!)
girl, you've received solicitations for free sex, not compliments on your pasty, dog-faced self. the lights can stay off.
[STOP ENCOURAGING ME TO SAY MORE]
you're predictable; you always say more. yawn. enjoy the game! (seahawks rule! like, ohmygod!)
# posted by 
: 12/03/2006 4:25 AM
: 12/03/2006 4:25 AM
Heartbroken that you forwarded my call straight to voicemail.
Alas, my ping-pong paddle sits alone on my shelf for another lonely night.
Alas, my ping-pong paddle sits alone on my shelf for another lonely night.
# posted by : 12/03/2006 5:05 AM
: 12/03/2006 5:05 AM
Whatever. The Seahawks do rule, and Hasselbeck best not throw any goddamn picks today, because he's back in the Razzies' starting lineup now that he's recovered from his injury. Thankfully I have (P-N-Dub native) Jon Kitna safely back riding the pine where he belongs.
And Morrissey'sHair, I know most of our conversations of late have revolved around this ridiculous blog drama and I've been negligent in terms of fantasy shit-talking for our rematch this week. You're going down like Tej on Katie this week, son!
And Morrissey'sHair, I know most of our conversations of late have revolved around this ridiculous blog drama and I've been negligent in terms of fantasy shit-talking for our rematch this week. You're going down like Tej on Katie this week, son!
Wow! Someone is going to JAIL and, her name is Tej! Way to take it too far pshychos! Do you little retards know that you just slipped into felony territory?! I hope you guys are under 18 'cause harassment carries some serious time! Who's the dumbfuck now?!
# posted by : 12/03/2006 10:24 PM
: 12/03/2006 10:24 PM
Shit!
It's a blog.
This person is entertaining you...very well i might add (way to go, razzy.org).
Chill.
But you probably wont.
Why? Cause unfortunately, most of you dumb fucks possess neither the mental aptitude or employment to get close to an ATTRACTIVE, INTELLIGENT female. So, keep hating. I on the other hand will keep reading and enjoying the self-expression.
HATERS SUCK DICK!
FREE SPEECH MUTHAFUCKERS!
Quit harrassing a chick and try to be more supportive.
It's a blog.
This person is entertaining you...very well i might add (way to go, razzy.org).
Chill.
But you probably wont.
Why? Cause unfortunately, most of you dumb fucks possess neither the mental aptitude or employment to get close to an ATTRACTIVE, INTELLIGENT female. So, keep hating. I on the other hand will keep reading and enjoying the self-expression.
HATERS SUCK DICK!
FREE SPEECH MUTHAFUCKERS!
Quit harrassing a chick and try to be more supportive.
My god, I'm laughing my ass off here.
Found your blog through a completely unassociated google image search for stills from the beowolf movie, liked the breasts, and thumbed around.
Seriously, that was a lame lame prank. you have to tailor your prank to the person. Like the time I got into a small flame war with a white, racist, homophobic woman. she got her email signed up for sevearal hot black gay porn sites, and her phone number listed on a bdsm sight, begging for vile things to be done to her. (with luck, she found what she was really looking for, got laid, and relaxed a bit. )
That said, those saying your fat are moronic. you look a bit skinny for my tastes, though i will agree that youd look better with a slightly tanner skin tone, thats all in ones preferences. calling you pasty? wow. some people have no clue, you know?
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Found your blog through a completely unassociated google image search for stills from the beowolf movie, liked the breasts, and thumbed around.
Seriously, that was a lame lame prank. you have to tailor your prank to the person. Like the time I got into a small flame war with a white, racist, homophobic woman. she got her email signed up for sevearal hot black gay porn sites, and her phone number listed on a bdsm sight, begging for vile things to be done to her. (with luck, she found what she was really looking for, got laid, and relaxed a bit. )
That said, those saying your fat are moronic. you look a bit skinny for my tastes, though i will agree that youd look better with a slightly tanner skin tone, thats all in ones preferences. calling you pasty? wow. some people have no clue, you know?
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