Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Here she is...
Last night I was flipping back and forth between the perennially awesome "I Love New York" and the 2007 Miss America Pageant. I didn't see all of Miss America, because it took me forever to find which channel CMT was, and because I couldn't stand watching the stank talent competition where every chick sang some horrible rendition of "A Whole New World", "A Moment Like This", and cheesy crap of that ilk. Although Miss Tennessee Blaire Ashley Pancake didn't make it to the semi-finals, Miss Washington did, only to be unceremoniously canned after the evening wear competition. In fairness, her gown looked like a cross between the Exxon Valdez oil spill and that getup Scarlett O'Hara made out of the parlor curtains at Tara, and her face looks like a fucking cat, so I didn't think she was going to go the distance anyway. On the plus side, though, the judges included "America's Next Top Model" judge and (per Tyra Banks) "noted fashion photographer" Nigel Barker and Chris Matthews, and they sat there making only barely concealed lewd commentary about the contestants with host A.C. Slater, I mean Mario Lopez. It was exceptionally awesome to watch Chris Matthews play "Hardball" with the contestants, asking them about the government's response to Hurricane Katrina (which Miss Mississippi turned into an opportunity to rhapsodize her sanguine love for Haley Barbour) and about how the situation in Darfur should be handled (Miss Alabama's response was "genocide is really bad and we need to get together with the world and try to keep that from occurrin'".) I spent most of the evening texting LL Cool Jew with my pageant commentary, including "the music is hilarious, like a combo of late 70s porn sndtrk, andean pipe flautists, and sisqo's thong song" and "i hate miss utah, her mormon coverall bathing suit is loathsome."
What is annoying is that the winner turned out to be Miss Oklahoma. Once Miss Washington got her one-way ticket back to Kitsap County, I was rooting for Miss Mississippi only because I wouldn't be watching this shitshow if not for the encouragement of Mississippi resident and intrepid reporter LL Cool Jew. Besides, she wasn't bad looking and she played the piano for her talent (sadly not Chopin, though). LL Cool Jew e-mailed me immediately after the pageant was over to opine about Miss Okie taking the crown:
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtynewspaper.com)
Subject: boooring
THIS dumb broad won miss america. ms texas was the runnerup, followed by georgia, mississippi, and alabama.
check out her craptastic platform...
Be NetSmart? Does that mean she goes online and entraps pedophiles, like on "To Catch a Predator"? Because it would actually be pretty sweet to watch an episode of Dateline in which Miss America assumes a clever IM handle and gets dirty with the pervs in the kiddie chat rooms:
15inches4yunggurls: so r u a virgin?
jonbenet69: lol lol ya!
15inches4yunggurls: i can fix that lol
jonbenet69: send me ur pics lol!
15inches4yunggurls: so r un in a beaty pagint?
jonbenet69: u wouldn't believe it if i told u lol!
15inches4yunggurls: try me lol i'm very gulibal
jonbenet69: used to be but then decided i'd rather have sex
jonbenet69: with fat, ugly, balding, short, older men lol!
15inches4yunggurls: so u quit?
jonbenet69: duh, i'd rather im with u! so do u have a web cam?
jonbenet69: y don't u cum over? that would be kewl.
jonbenet69: chris hanson is waiting lol!
15inches4yunggurls: kewl
15inches4yunggurls: on my way princess ;-*
That would be an AWESOME platform. However, I suspect that embracing the Be NetSmart cause more likely involves much dumber activities, like speaking to grade school kids about the dangers and pitfalls of MySpace (as Paula James can attest, kids could find MY awesome website there and be exposed to unnecessary f-bombs and titty pictures). That's truly a shame, because I think impersonating a tween seeking molestation online would be much more useful, both to society and to Miss Okie's dream of attaining a Master's in Musical Theatre from the University of Central Oklahoma and subsequently hitting it big on the Great White Way. Certainly her skills as a thespian would benefit from such stealthy instant messenger work, and the improvisational experience would undoubtedly come in handy when she's preparing to sing some soaring chorus about AIDS at a matinee of "Rent".
If she's not going to catch predators, I think Miss Okie should have chosen a different platform altogether. During the "grueling" backstage, pre-pageant interviews, she wouldn't shut up about what a diverse and wonderful place Oklahoma is, so she should have done something to rep her own state more honestly. How about, for example, taking on the plight of all the cows that get anthrax there? Granted, probably only me and a handful of livestock and agricultural microbiologists give a shit about that one, but that's probably because most other people haven't seen as many heinous pictures of cutaneous anthrax lesions as I have and care as much as I do about the price of beef. Or she could get her historical consciousness on and try to right the wrong known as the Trail of Tears. You never hear anyone at Miss America saying a fucking word about how Native Americans got screwed over while they're busy faking knowledge of Darfur ("all those tribes, all that war, all those people dying...genocide is, like, really awful"). Or, better yet, she could further her state's great literary legacy by supporting the "We's Joads...we's proud" platform. I'm not sure that exists, but The Grapes of Wrath won the damn Nobel prize and it did start out with Tom, Ma, Rose of Sharon, etc. migrating from Oklahoma, so it would at least show a greater appreciation for the finer aspects of American culture than telling kids to steer clear of internet porn. Kids probably know way more about internet porn than the Dust Bowl drought or the Great Depression anyway, so it would probably benefit society more if she just spent the next year teaching them Steinbeck instead of helpful tips about avoiding online predation.
Miss Okie's victory just goes to show how fucking lame the Miss America pageant is, especially compared to the skanks over at Miss USA. The freshly crowned Miss USA probably would have celebrated her victory by taking a couple bumps onstage and going to third base with her second runner-up. Miss Okie/America just cried, squealed, and hugged all the losers, whose true "I hate you until I die, bitch!" feelings toward the victor were more than apparent behind their aggressive congratulatory smiles/teeth baring. SNORE. When the hell is the Miss USA pageant?
What is annoying is that the winner turned out to be Miss Oklahoma. Once Miss Washington got her one-way ticket back to Kitsap County, I was rooting for Miss Mississippi only because I wouldn't be watching this shitshow if not for the encouragement of Mississippi resident and intrepid reporter LL Cool Jew. Besides, she wasn't bad looking and she played the piano for her talent (sadly not Chopin, though). LL Cool Jew e-mailed me immediately after the pageant was over to opine about Miss Okie taking the crown:
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtynewspaper.com)
Subject: boooring
THIS dumb broad won miss america. ms texas was the runnerup, followed by georgia, mississippi, and alabama.
check out her craptastic platform...
Be NetSmart? Does that mean she goes online and entraps pedophiles, like on "To Catch a Predator"? Because it would actually be pretty sweet to watch an episode of Dateline in which Miss America assumes a clever IM handle and gets dirty with the pervs in the kiddie chat rooms:
15inches4yunggurls: so r u a virgin?
jonbenet69: lol lol ya!
15inches4yunggurls: i can fix that lol
jonbenet69: send me ur pics lol!
15inches4yunggurls: so r un in a beaty pagint?
jonbenet69: u wouldn't believe it if i told u lol!
15inches4yunggurls: try me lol i'm very gulibal
jonbenet69: used to be but then decided i'd rather have sex
jonbenet69: with fat, ugly, balding, short, older men lol!
15inches4yunggurls: so u quit?
jonbenet69: duh, i'd rather im with u! so do u have a web cam?
jonbenet69: y don't u cum over? that would be kewl.
jonbenet69: chris hanson is waiting lol!
15inches4yunggurls: kewl
15inches4yunggurls: on my way princess ;-*
That would be an AWESOME platform. However, I suspect that embracing the Be NetSmart cause more likely involves much dumber activities, like speaking to grade school kids about the dangers and pitfalls of MySpace (as Paula James can attest, kids could find MY awesome website there and be exposed to unnecessary f-bombs and titty pictures). That's truly a shame, because I think impersonating a tween seeking molestation online would be much more useful, both to society and to Miss Okie's dream of attaining a Master's in Musical Theatre from the University of Central Oklahoma and subsequently hitting it big on the Great White Way. Certainly her skills as a thespian would benefit from such stealthy instant messenger work, and the improvisational experience would undoubtedly come in handy when she's preparing to sing some soaring chorus about AIDS at a matinee of "Rent".
If she's not going to catch predators, I think Miss Okie should have chosen a different platform altogether. During the "grueling" backstage, pre-pageant interviews, she wouldn't shut up about what a diverse and wonderful place Oklahoma is, so she should have done something to rep her own state more honestly. How about, for example, taking on the plight of all the cows that get anthrax there? Granted, probably only me and a handful of livestock and agricultural microbiologists give a shit about that one, but that's probably because most other people haven't seen as many heinous pictures of cutaneous anthrax lesions as I have and care as much as I do about the price of beef. Or she could get her historical consciousness on and try to right the wrong known as the Trail of Tears. You never hear anyone at Miss America saying a fucking word about how Native Americans got screwed over while they're busy faking knowledge of Darfur ("all those tribes, all that war, all those people dying...genocide is, like, really awful"). Or, better yet, she could further her state's great literary legacy by supporting the "We's Joads...we's proud" platform. I'm not sure that exists, but The Grapes of Wrath won the damn Nobel prize and it did start out with Tom, Ma, Rose of Sharon, etc. migrating from Oklahoma, so it would at least show a greater appreciation for the finer aspects of American culture than telling kids to steer clear of internet porn. Kids probably know way more about internet porn than the Dust Bowl drought or the Great Depression anyway, so it would probably benefit society more if she just spent the next year teaching them Steinbeck instead of helpful tips about avoiding online predation.
Miss Okie's victory just goes to show how fucking lame the Miss America pageant is, especially compared to the skanks over at Miss USA. The freshly crowned Miss USA probably would have celebrated her victory by taking a couple bumps onstage and going to third base with her second runner-up. Miss Okie/America just cried, squealed, and hugged all the losers, whose true "I hate you until I die, bitch!" feelings toward the victor were more than apparent behind their aggressive congratulatory smiles/teeth baring. SNORE. When the hell is the Miss USA pageant?
Labels: beauty queens, kewlness, LL Cool Jew, retard rage, sluts, TV
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