Tuesday, January 23, 2007
My Aunt Jesus's dream guy
Today Rack sent me a link to this post by Dan Savage on The Stranger's blog, featuring this simultaneously hysterically funny and utterly horrifying music video by a group called Donnie Davies and the Evening Service. Although the song boasts the seemingly innocuous title "The Bible Says", it's more readily identifiable by its soaring chorus of "God Hates a Fag."
I particularly enjoy watching this fundamentalist homo joining in a prayer circle with all his fellow self-loathing butt buddies, clutching one another's hands and praying desperately for Christ to mitigate their sinful urges to turn their Bible study into a giant Sodomite orgy. After asking Jesus to "fill [him] with His love" and declaring JC the "only man for me", the pink shirt-clad youth minister/troubadour reminds all the "filthy sinners" that "God hates a fag." According to his website and his MySpace page, Davies is a "reformed homosexual", and this is all part of a plan he calls C.H.O.P. (Changing Homosexuals [into] Ordinary People). Unbelievably, he bases his mission to convert the gays on his love for his hero...OSCAR WILDE, one of history's most famous fags. He actually suggests that gays should likewise be prosecuted and jailed for buggery, because it would do them good as it had done Wilde, who he claims converted to Christianity while imprisoned and publicly renounced his homosexuality. Whatever biography of Oscar Wilde he read, I think he ought to give it another look, because he's either making shit up or confusing Wilde with his boyfriend Bosie. Oscar Wilde's tombstone has a giant weiner on it, for God's sake!
One of the funny things about these fundamentalist wack-jobs is that, despite their tendency to quote obscure passages from Leviticus and Paul's letters verbatim, they totally ignore other major salient points in the Good Book. For example, that whole because God so loved us that he sent us His only son to die for our sins thing. And since we're all a bunch of filthy sinners, doesn't that mean that God loves everyone, fags or not? Also, why would Jesus be hanging out with the whores and tax collectors and just decide arbitrarily to be okay with them, but reserve hatred for the queers alone?
While this kind of logic makes no sense to me, it's the kind of Jesus-hates-everyone-but-me attitude that my Aunt Jesus has wholeheartedly embraced. She's so sure she's right (and righteous) about her shit that I wouldn't be surprised if she's stuck one of those "In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned" stickers on the bumper of her car (which, ironically, is the ultimate dykemobile...a Subaru). She also hasn't spoken to me or, apparently, forgiven me for calling her out on my website a year ago. Not that I mind being off the you're-going-to-hell, you're-a-disgrace-to-the-family e-mail list, but I can't resist pointing out that she's not exactly following JC's mandate about showing mercy and forgiveness to one's enemies.
I attribute both Aunt Jesus's indomitable sense of self-righteousness and delight in informing the few remaining people tolerant of her bullshit that they are condemned to an eternity of fiery torment to the fact that she is one miserable-ass bitch. Not only is she VERY single, she probably hasn't gotten laid in going on thirty years since her deadbeat husband dumped her, and given her eagerness to lecture everyone about perversion, I'm pretty sure she's not a regular masturbator. Therefore, I see this as a match made in heaven. After a whirlwind courtship, I picture their wedding going down (no pun intended) like so:
NOTHING says "romantic" like a good old-fashioned God Hates Fags rally! But as content as this prospective loving couple appears above, I'd caution my Aunt Jesus to keep an eye on him no matter what he says about his "reformed" ways. You never know what kind of untoward shit goes on at those men-only Promise Keepers rallies. I suspect it might be the evangelical freak show equivalent of "poker night" in secular down-low circles.
I particularly enjoy watching this fundamentalist homo joining in a prayer circle with all his fellow self-loathing butt buddies, clutching one another's hands and praying desperately for Christ to mitigate their sinful urges to turn their Bible study into a giant Sodomite orgy. After asking Jesus to "fill [him] with His love" and declaring JC the "only man for me", the pink shirt-clad youth minister/troubadour reminds all the "filthy sinners" that "God hates a fag." According to his website and his MySpace page, Davies is a "reformed homosexual", and this is all part of a plan he calls C.H.O.P. (Changing Homosexuals [into] Ordinary People). Unbelievably, he bases his mission to convert the gays on his love for his hero...OSCAR WILDE, one of history's most famous fags. He actually suggests that gays should likewise be prosecuted and jailed for buggery, because it would do them good as it had done Wilde, who he claims converted to Christianity while imprisoned and publicly renounced his homosexuality. Whatever biography of Oscar Wilde he read, I think he ought to give it another look, because he's either making shit up or confusing Wilde with his boyfriend Bosie. Oscar Wilde's tombstone has a giant weiner on it, for God's sake!
One of the funny things about these fundamentalist wack-jobs is that, despite their tendency to quote obscure passages from Leviticus and Paul's letters verbatim, they totally ignore other major salient points in the Good Book. For example, that whole because God so loved us that he sent us His only son to die for our sins thing. And since we're all a bunch of filthy sinners, doesn't that mean that God loves everyone, fags or not? Also, why would Jesus be hanging out with the whores and tax collectors and just decide arbitrarily to be okay with them, but reserve hatred for the queers alone?
While this kind of logic makes no sense to me, it's the kind of Jesus-hates-everyone-but-me attitude that my Aunt Jesus has wholeheartedly embraced. She's so sure she's right (and righteous) about her shit that I wouldn't be surprised if she's stuck one of those "In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned" stickers on the bumper of her car (which, ironically, is the ultimate dykemobile...a Subaru). She also hasn't spoken to me or, apparently, forgiven me for calling her out on my website a year ago. Not that I mind being off the you're-going-to-hell, you're-a-disgrace-to-the-family e-mail list, but I can't resist pointing out that she's not exactly following JC's mandate about showing mercy and forgiveness to one's enemies.
I attribute both Aunt Jesus's indomitable sense of self-righteousness and delight in informing the few remaining people tolerant of her bullshit that they are condemned to an eternity of fiery torment to the fact that she is one miserable-ass bitch. Not only is she VERY single, she probably hasn't gotten laid in going on thirty years since her deadbeat husband dumped her, and given her eagerness to lecture everyone about perversion, I'm pretty sure she's not a regular masturbator. Therefore, I see this as a match made in heaven. After a whirlwind courtship, I picture their wedding going down (no pun intended) like so:
NOTHING says "romantic" like a good old-fashioned God Hates Fags rally! But as content as this prospective loving couple appears above, I'd caution my Aunt Jesus to keep an eye on him no matter what he says about his "reformed" ways. You never know what kind of untoward shit goes on at those men-only Promise Keepers rallies. I suspect it might be the evangelical freak show equivalent of "poker night" in secular down-low circles.
Labels: assholes, Aunt Jesus, crazies, Dear God, hilarious shit, oh the horror, ridiculous absurdity, vulgar display of faggotry
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
