Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Something the world could do without
There is this new show on FX called "Dirt" that's on during ""Nip/Tuck"'s old Tuesdays at 10 timeslot that I didn't get a chance to see until last night. I was shocked by what I saw, and not in a good way. FX is really going downhill, and they have been for several years now. First, they replaced their four reruns of "90210" a day with episodes of "M*A*S*H", thus forever eliciting my scorn and contempt. Then, they seemed to decide as a network that it would be a good idea to rerun Rob Schneider movies six nights a week, and make it such an event that it's hosted by failed MTV VJ Dave Holmes. If watching The Hot Chick or The Animal weren't torture enough already, Holmes and his bimbo sidekick then show all the special features and extras from the DVDs and make inane commentary on it. I and oh, say, EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD does not care how the special effects in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo were executed. Now they have this shitshow "Dirt", and if it weren't for "Nip/Tuck", I would never watch the FX network again.
I've heard about this "Dirt" show because Perez Hilton won't shut up about it, on account that he gets to make a guest appearance in some upcoming episode. Also, allegedly Jennifer Aniston, the pathetically jilted ex-Mrs. Pitt and the fugliest celebrity in Hollywood, is guest-starring in the season finale as a lesbian and she's going to make out with the show's star, fellow "Friends" alumna Courteney Cox. Who fucking cares about that? "Friends" is one of my all time most-despised shows, and any type of televised cast reunion is tantamount to an act of war. The fact that "Friends" managed to pollute TVs everywhere for 10 years (and more, thanks to syndication) is a disgrace and a shameful statement about humanity. The quickest way to get me to NOT watch some other show is to try to simultaneously relive the old "Friends" magic and be edgy by getting Monica and Rachel to say "shit" a few times and then share what I anticipate will be an awkward and completely nonsexual kiss. If they hired a baseball mitt to make out with an empty beer bottle it would be more sensually enticing.
Anyway, this stupid waste of premiere network cable TV-MA LSV time is about Courteney Cox, who is a stressed out, hardassed tabloid magazine editor named Lucy Spiller (and that's supposed to be her real name...how do you grow up to be anything BUT a tabloid magazine editor with a name like Lucy Spiller? That's like naming your kid Mack Strong and expecting him to be anything but a NFL fullback). She's a raging bitch who fires people for petty shit like getting married or calling her a bitch via BlackBerry text messages or generally being inferior at their jobs (ie: "the point is not that he was having sex with a hooker, but that he wanted her to bang him with a strap-on! THAT'S YOUR LEAD!") There's all these sideplots about her head paparazzo being a schizophrenic off his meds, and some blonde chick who lost her acting job because she's a coked-up loser, and some R&B singer whose Irv Gotti-esque record label president cut off his head and stored it in a wine cellar, and I was not intrigued. In fact, I grew bored and contemplated changing the channel. However, I snapped immediately to attention when I saw Courteney Cox whip out her vibrator and start unconvincingly faking an orgasm.
I was unsuccessful in finding the scene from last night's episode on YouTube, but I did find this other one, which suggests that this was not an isolated incident. Apparently, Courteney Cox rubs one off for all the viewers to see in every episode. As if I needed any more incentive NOT to watch this show:
Sweet Jesus Christ on the cross. Who on earth wants to watch this stringy old succubus masturbate to her own magazine? The only people I would think enjoy this are the blind, because at least they don't have to suffer the visual image of Courteney Cox pleasuring herself. They can imagine that all that overdone oohing and aahing is issuing from the mouth of some actually attractive woman, and not the heavily Botoxed wife of David Arquette. If this is the show's trademark, akin to Drs. Troy and McNamara saying their signature "tell me what you don't like about yourself" line at the beginning of every episode, then count me out of the "Dirt" fan club. One thing I can say that I assuredly do NOT want from TV is a weekly date with Courteney Cox and her bedside table drawer.
I would, however, be remiss if I didn't point out that, in spite of all of "Dirt"'s shiteous qualities, there are two awesome things about the show. First, Rick Fox plays a basketball player who likes to take it up the butt and is constantly being blackmailed for other skeletons in his closet by Courteney Cox because his reputation would be permanently destroyed if his anal fetish ever gets discovered. The show is worth watching just to see Rick Fox attempt poorly to feign concern and alarm while saying things like, "I have a family to support! I'm in the NBA! If it ever gets out that I like to receive anal, my career is over!" The other awesome thing is that, as revolting as Courteney Cox doing herself is, I got to see something truly amazing. Grant Show, AKA the super-virile motorcycle repairman and Shooters proprietor Jake Hanson from "Melrose Place", plays a macho Republican action movie star and closeted gay dude, and gives a dude a very strongly implied poolside blowjob. Thank God YouTube had footage of this, because it's like finding a diamond ring in a mountain of dogshit. Behold, the only thing that MIGHT lead to me tolerating another future episode of "Dirt":
From now on, "Dirt" producers, I want more hilarious gay romance Grant Show the Head Doctor and Rick Fox the Anal Queen scenes. Leave the Courteney Cox vibrator footage on the cutting room floor!
I've heard about this "Dirt" show because Perez Hilton won't shut up about it, on account that he gets to make a guest appearance in some upcoming episode. Also, allegedly Jennifer Aniston, the pathetically jilted ex-Mrs. Pitt and the fugliest celebrity in Hollywood, is guest-starring in the season finale as a lesbian and she's going to make out with the show's star, fellow "Friends" alumna Courteney Cox. Who fucking cares about that? "Friends" is one of my all time most-despised shows, and any type of televised cast reunion is tantamount to an act of war. The fact that "Friends" managed to pollute TVs everywhere for 10 years (and more, thanks to syndication) is a disgrace and a shameful statement about humanity. The quickest way to get me to NOT watch some other show is to try to simultaneously relive the old "Friends" magic and be edgy by getting Monica and Rachel to say "shit" a few times and then share what I anticipate will be an awkward and completely nonsexual kiss. If they hired a baseball mitt to make out with an empty beer bottle it would be more sensually enticing.
Anyway, this stupid waste of premiere network cable TV-MA LSV time is about Courteney Cox, who is a stressed out, hardassed tabloid magazine editor named Lucy Spiller (and that's supposed to be her real name...how do you grow up to be anything BUT a tabloid magazine editor with a name like Lucy Spiller? That's like naming your kid Mack Strong and expecting him to be anything but a NFL fullback). She's a raging bitch who fires people for petty shit like getting married or calling her a bitch via BlackBerry text messages or generally being inferior at their jobs (ie: "the point is not that he was having sex with a hooker, but that he wanted her to bang him with a strap-on! THAT'S YOUR LEAD!") There's all these sideplots about her head paparazzo being a schizophrenic off his meds, and some blonde chick who lost her acting job because she's a coked-up loser, and some R&B singer whose Irv Gotti-esque record label president cut off his head and stored it in a wine cellar, and I was not intrigued. In fact, I grew bored and contemplated changing the channel. However, I snapped immediately to attention when I saw Courteney Cox whip out her vibrator and start unconvincingly faking an orgasm.
I was unsuccessful in finding the scene from last night's episode on YouTube, but I did find this other one, which suggests that this was not an isolated incident. Apparently, Courteney Cox rubs one off for all the viewers to see in every episode. As if I needed any more incentive NOT to watch this show:
Sweet Jesus Christ on the cross. Who on earth wants to watch this stringy old succubus masturbate to her own magazine? The only people I would think enjoy this are the blind, because at least they don't have to suffer the visual image of Courteney Cox pleasuring herself. They can imagine that all that overdone oohing and aahing is issuing from the mouth of some actually attractive woman, and not the heavily Botoxed wife of David Arquette. If this is the show's trademark, akin to Drs. Troy and McNamara saying their signature "tell me what you don't like about yourself" line at the beginning of every episode, then count me out of the "Dirt" fan club. One thing I can say that I assuredly do NOT want from TV is a weekly date with Courteney Cox and her bedside table drawer.
I would, however, be remiss if I didn't point out that, in spite of all of "Dirt"'s shiteous qualities, there are two awesome things about the show. First, Rick Fox plays a basketball player who likes to take it up the butt and is constantly being blackmailed for other skeletons in his closet by Courteney Cox because his reputation would be permanently destroyed if his anal fetish ever gets discovered. The show is worth watching just to see Rick Fox attempt poorly to feign concern and alarm while saying things like, "I have a family to support! I'm in the NBA! If it ever gets out that I like to receive anal, my career is over!" The other awesome thing is that, as revolting as Courteney Cox doing herself is, I got to see something truly amazing. Grant Show, AKA the super-virile motorcycle repairman and Shooters proprietor Jake Hanson from "Melrose Place", plays a macho Republican action movie star and closeted gay dude, and gives a dude a very strongly implied poolside blowjob. Thank God YouTube had footage of this, because it's like finding a diamond ring in a mountain of dogshit. Behold, the only thing that MIGHT lead to me tolerating another future episode of "Dirt":
From now on, "Dirt" producers, I want more hilarious gay romance Grant Show the Head Doctor and Rick Fox the Anal Queen scenes. Leave the Courteney Cox vibrator footage on the cutting room floor!
Labels: celebrities, gross, masturbation, Nip/Tuck, oh the horror, ranting, TV, vulgar display of faggotry
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