Monday, January 29, 2007
Switching up the Wild Turkey for some Haterade
Last week, the reigning Miss USA Tara Conner got out of rehab for her respective boozing and excessive trips to the ladies powder room at Bungalow 8. Her first order of business was to do a stupid photo shoot of her clutching a teddy bear and making a bunch of wistful facial expressions. It's a far cry from the hard-livin', moonshine-swillin' ways of the Tara Conner of old, a staggering drunk, occasional lesbian, and ruthless competitor on the Kentucky pageant circuit. New Tara Conner is burdened by remorse and addiction, and has surrounded herself in peaceful earth tones and cozy UGG boots to better facilitate a grounded state of mind suitable for recovery. Old Tara Conner applied her Herbal Essences highlights with a pasta fork in the kitchen sink of her double-wide after she cleaned out the Russell Springs, KY Wal-Mart's supply of slutty elastic pirate wench shirts. New Tara Conner is contrite, thoughtful, and wallowing in reflection and self-analysis. Old Tara Conner (and, I might add, pre-rhinoplasty Tara Conner) invested her $50 second runner-up prize in the 2001 Miss Teen Kentucky competition in a jug of Old Crow and a bag of meth.
Of her triumphant return to society as a much, much more boring character, she had this to say:
Specifically, I am an alcoholic, and I'm not in the least bit unhappy about that. Lots of cool people were alcoholics (ie: my boyfriend Ernest Hemingway), and I'm fine with the prospect of destroying my liver. I'm a scientific genius, so once the old hepatocytes start getting exceptionally cirrhotic, I'll just figure out a way to grow a new one in the lab. No problem. Alcoholism rules, and I'm not about to let this dumb 20-year-old run around educating people otherwise. And as far as the "severity of this disease and what it [does] to people", her drinking led to nothing more than some hot girl-on-girl action with Miss Teen USA, which I would classify as a very positive outcome. I think almost everyone can agree that the wasted, slutty Tara Conner in the middle panel was far more intriguing than the mirror gazer and stuffed animal enthusiast she has transformed into:
I am not the least bit interested in Tara Conner lecturing me disingenuously about the dangers of drinking, or telling me about her feelings, or whining about her sobriety, or reinventing herself as a role model for repentant underage drinking bisexuals, or doing ANYTHING besides getting shitfaced and hooking up with Miss Teen USA. Tara Conner's embracing sobriety is a slap in the face to white trash boozehounds everywhere, and I want no part of that. Fortunately, I suspect that her rejection of her roots and new bland persona will result in the media collectively forgetting she ever existed. If she wants staying power, girlfriend should lose the boucle hoodie and get her ass back into the club and onto Page Six. So what if she loses her title? She'll have lost the battle, but won the war.
Of her triumphant return to society as a much, much more boring character, she had this to say:
"My life has completely changed. I'm a completely different person out of rehab. Before I entered rehab I hardly knew who I was. I felt like I was floating and I just needed someone to pull me down. I didn't think I had any kind of issue going into rehab. I even said, 'I'll get some free therapy,' or something like that - and that was so ridiculous. But I've realized I do have an issue. I suffer from the disease of alcoholism and addiction. And if there's anything that I want people to know it's the severity of this disease and what it can do to people."Well, now I'm done with you, Tara Conner. If you have to go to rehab, cry at a press conference, and fellate Donald Trump's undoubtedly flaccid penis to keep your job, fine. It's obvious that you were initially insincere about your intention of really cleaning up at rehab, and simply gave us your best pageant alligator tears to stave off the (disgraced Miss Nevada) Katie Rees treatment. Now, however, that you've gotten your "free therapy", you are making the most out of your bad publicity and talking trash about MY lifestyle.
Specifically, I am an alcoholic, and I'm not in the least bit unhappy about that. Lots of cool people were alcoholics (ie: my boyfriend Ernest Hemingway), and I'm fine with the prospect of destroying my liver. I'm a scientific genius, so once the old hepatocytes start getting exceptionally cirrhotic, I'll just figure out a way to grow a new one in the lab. No problem. Alcoholism rules, and I'm not about to let this dumb 20-year-old run around educating people otherwise. And as far as the "severity of this disease and what it [does] to people", her drinking led to nothing more than some hot girl-on-girl action with Miss Teen USA, which I would classify as a very positive outcome. I think almost everyone can agree that the wasted, slutty Tara Conner in the middle panel was far more intriguing than the mirror gazer and stuffed animal enthusiast she has transformed into:
Labels: alcoholism, beauty queens, PWT, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, sluts
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