Thursday, February 22, 2007
Edward Fortyhands
This weekend I attempted to drink forties with my friends LL Cool Jew, JerseyGirl, Wmania, and FalloniusMonk. After a long discussion covering such topics as the existence of diet low-carb 40s for those on impending wedding diets, establishing that New York City bodegas are the best places to purchase these beverages, accepting Wmania drinking Boone's Farm instead because she's now too grown-up and sophisticated for beer, debating whether or not Colt 45 is, as claimed by Billy Dee Williams, the smoothest, we attempted to purchase said forties. Unfortunately, since FalloniusMonk and I both live in the heart of the ghetto, where the bodega trade in forties is brisk, our opinion of the availability of 40s through all parts of the five boroughs was skewed. We completely didn't reckon on the snotty organic juice-peddling bodega/gourmet deli by JerseyGirl's Upper West Side apartment NOT SELLING A SINGLE BRAND OF FORTY. So we bought Heineken and Michelob Ultra instead.
While we were drinking, we got to talking about how we wished we had been able to purchase forties. JerseyGirl started telling us about some college party custom she'd heard about called "Edward Fortyhands", in which a forty is duct-taped into one's hand, thus mandating rapid consumption to prevent the beverage inside from warming via body heat. There's truly nothing worse than sipping on warm malt liquor, no matter HOW drunk you already are, so I can see how this sufficiently motivates the alcoholic to chug that King Cobra fast. I thought this was stupid and wanted to know which hellhole Garden State township this idea originated in. JerseyGirl squealed, "I can't believe you've never heard of this before!"
I advised her that the only Edward ______hands I'm interested in is Edward Penishands, which involves some of the finest acting in the history of adult hardcore pornographic cinema. I seriously BELIEVE the dude in that movie is Johnny Depp; his performance as a 15-inch dildo-handed savant with Lead-Singer-of-Korn-esque hair and a skin-bleaching fetish is that convincing. However, it seems that out on the internet, "Edward Fortyhands" has captured enough of the zeitgeist to warrant a video on YouTube.
Cue up the absurdly-placed synth-heavy classic rock:
Who the hell listens to Journey when they're drinking forties besides intentionally ironic hipster girlie boy members of "The Cock Country Club"? Journey is for roller skating and redneck lesbian makeout sessions, not Edward Fortyhands. Put on some Dr. Dre, you fools!
While we were drinking, we got to talking about how we wished we had been able to purchase forties. JerseyGirl started telling us about some college party custom she'd heard about called "Edward Fortyhands", in which a forty is duct-taped into one's hand, thus mandating rapid consumption to prevent the beverage inside from warming via body heat. There's truly nothing worse than sipping on warm malt liquor, no matter HOW drunk you already are, so I can see how this sufficiently motivates the alcoholic to chug that King Cobra fast. I thought this was stupid and wanted to know which hellhole Garden State township this idea originated in. JerseyGirl squealed, "I can't believe you've never heard of this before!"
I advised her that the only Edward ______hands I'm interested in is Edward Penishands, which involves some of the finest acting in the history of adult hardcore pornographic cinema. I seriously BELIEVE the dude in that movie is Johnny Depp; his performance as a 15-inch dildo-handed savant with Lead-Singer-of-Korn-esque hair and a skin-bleaching fetish is that convincing. However, it seems that out on the internet, "Edward Fortyhands" has captured enough of the zeitgeist to warrant a video on YouTube.
Cue up the absurdly-placed synth-heavy classic rock:
Who the hell listens to Journey when they're drinking forties besides intentionally ironic hipster girlie boy members of "The Cock Country Club"? Journey is for roller skating and redneck lesbian makeout sessions, not Edward Fortyhands. Put on some Dr. Dre, you fools!
Labels: alcoholism, FalloniusMonk, JerseyGirl, LL Cool Jew, porn, ridiculous absurdity, Wmania
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