RazzyBlog: I <strike>Dream</strike> Nightmare of Jenna

Monday, February 26, 2007

I Dream Nightmare of Jenna

I love porn, and thus it goes without saying that I've always had a special place in my heart for Jenna Jameson. For one thing, she's an exceptionally talented porn star, and anyone who has seen enough porn can tell you that it is indeed possible to be horrible at pornography. Just as with any other star, there's a certain "it" factor you need to make fucking for the camera look awesome, and Jenna has it. For another, she's the embodiment of the American dream. With no money in her pocket, she fought her way into stripping at the age of 17 with a fake ID. When the manager told her that she couldn't strip with braces, she went home and grabbed a set of pliers and RIPPED THEM OFF HER TEETH. That is the determination of the truly hard core. Years later, she's a multimillionaire, a household name, and exemplifies the pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps type of success that's most lauded in our society.

I've seen a lot of Jenna's movies, including such cinematic masterpieces as Jennatalia, Briana Loves Jenna, Bella Loves Jenna, Jenna Loves Pain, Cherry Pie, Last Girl Standing (which SUCKED...the least amount of sex in any porn I've ever seen, although the part where Briana Banks contemptuously masturbates with a bottle Jenna's signature fragrance is hilarious), The Dinner Party, and I Dream of Jenna. Jenna is not really a natural beauty, but in spite of her rather plastic appearance, she's always been very sexy, in a porn star, fake-tits sort of way. For the last ten years or so, Jenna has looked more or less like this:

Yeah, so her jugs might be super surgerized and her face might be covered with so much pancake she could start an IHOP, but I've always found Jenna to be one of the more appealing porn stars. God knows she's much better looking than the probable post-op tranny Taylor Wane and is certainly more natural than Chelsea Charms. Furthermore, I must admire Jenna's business acumen. She's made millions, not only through selling DVDs and stripping, but through merchandizing the shit out of her brand. You can buy everything from a Jenna Jameson blow-up doll to Jenna Jameson perfume (which can also be used as a dildo according to Briana Banks, as mentioned above) to a Jenna Jameson battery-powered pube trimmer if you want. She's like the Madonna of porn, going from a broke, meth-addicted slut to a true, super-rich media mogul. Even if you're not into Jenna's product or profession, you have to give her props for entrepreneurial savvy.

That's why I was so horrified to find on one of my gossip websites today that Jenna made the terrible, unforgivable mistake of venturing out to collect swag at a pre-Oscar party looking like THIS:

Jenna, how could you? Not only are you so skinny that I'm wondering if you haven't restarted that meth habit you claimed to have kicked ten years ago on your E! True Hollywood Story, but you've had so much Restalyne pumped into your mouth that your lips could act as a flotation device. Your hair looks like it's had one too many treatments with industrial-strength Clairol Maxi-Blonde, and you need to call whatever plastic surgeon did your eyes and demand a refund because that shit was BOTCHED. And don't get me started on that tan of yours...your skin is so fucking leathery I wouldn't be surprised if you fired up a chainsaw and went after the nearest hapless coed. Seriously...are you taking style tips from Amanda Lepore? You look like you're one of the extras from Total Recall who lived in the poor part of Mars, where everyone turned into a mutant because of the stellar radiation that filtered into the whorehouses. And you're not hot like that mutant prostitute with the three boobs; you look more like the "Quaiiiid! Start the reactorrrrr!" guy who was growing out of the other dude's stomach.

I'm just going to pretend this didn't happen so that I won't want to throw up the next time I'm trying to rub one off to a movie of Jenna's. I'm just hoping that these pictures hitting the internet will spark an outcry from your fans. Put on some weight, lay off the Mystic Tan, and call a decent surgeon to fix your entire fucking face, because what you have going on now is not anything I want to see getting it on for the camera.

Labels: celebrities, oh the horror, porn, ranting, sluts, you're ugly