Wednesday, February 07, 2007
My new nose
When I was around eight or nine, my grade school best friend Cris and I used to play a variety of imaginative games. For example, we used to play this game accurately called "commercial", where we would make up commercials for invented products and perform them for each other. There was one I came up with that I thought, then and now, was genius; it was a parody of ads for Lee Press-On Nails. For those of you unfamiliar with Lee Press-On Nails, they are these tacky fake nail tips you can buy at the drugstore.
They come with these nail-shaped glue stickers that supposedly keep the nail tips secured to your fingertips. They don't work in the sense that they fall off almost immediately, are veritably Freddy Krueger in terms of length, and are an even cheaper, trashier alternative to a fake manicure than a set of acrylics. The commercial I invented was for a product called Lee Press-On Noses. My commercial consisted of me saying brightly, "Want a nose job but don't have the time or money?" Then I would press an imaginary nose to my face and say, "No problem! That's why there's Lee Press-On Noses! They're EASY to use and won't break your budget!" Then the commercial would basically end as Cris and I dissolved in laughter.
Granted, even if a product like this existed, it's doubtful I'd try it. I'm quite happy with my nose, and have never desired rhinoplasty. Even if I did, I feel that changing one's bodily features is an activity best done at the offices of Drs. Troy and McNamara or some other non-fictional plastic surgeon. However, thanks to KatieScarlett, I now have an approximation of what a Lee Press-On Nose might actually look like.
Yesterday, KatieScarlett e-mailed me and said something like, "Dewd, I read ur blog. R U mad we put ur pic up because I can totalz take it down if ur not kewl with it!" (Don't let the style fool you, KatieScarlett is actually quite eloquent save her intentionally misspelling "masterbate." We just type all our e-mails to each other in the style of "To Catch a Predator" instant messages because it's funny to us). I responded "No, dewd, it's totz kewl, I wuz just busting ur ballz for not linking to my site and sending lotz of Nerve.com pseudo-intellectuals to get indignant on my comment pages for making fun of them! LOL ROFLMAO! Luv yew so!"
Nonetheless, KatieScarlett went and posted a link to my site for the porn artfag crowd to better find me, and directed her readers to look at the thumbnails on her blog sidebar. Because she and BloodyTosser are the special variety of internet chronicler known as "photobloggers", Nerve arranges little snippets of all their photos to tittilate readers. Right before the entry featuring my infamous balloon hat fellatio picture, they had posted pictures of a naked man jumping, so that's the thumb right below the one of my red eyes. KatieScarlett noted, "Doesn't the thumbnail arrangement make it look like poor Razzy has a ballsack for a nose??!! Hehehehehe!"
If there were Lee Press-On Noses, I'd make sure to get the scrotum-shaped variety for sheer humor value alone.
They come with these nail-shaped glue stickers that supposedly keep the nail tips secured to your fingertips. They don't work in the sense that they fall off almost immediately, are veritably Freddy Krueger in terms of length, and are an even cheaper, trashier alternative to a fake manicure than a set of acrylics. The commercial I invented was for a product called Lee Press-On Noses. My commercial consisted of me saying brightly, "Want a nose job but don't have the time or money?" Then I would press an imaginary nose to my face and say, "No problem! That's why there's Lee Press-On Noses! They're EASY to use and won't break your budget!" Then the commercial would basically end as Cris and I dissolved in laughter.
Granted, even if a product like this existed, it's doubtful I'd try it. I'm quite happy with my nose, and have never desired rhinoplasty. Even if I did, I feel that changing one's bodily features is an activity best done at the offices of Drs. Troy and McNamara or some other non-fictional plastic surgeon. However, thanks to KatieScarlett, I now have an approximation of what a Lee Press-On Nose might actually look like.
Yesterday, KatieScarlett e-mailed me and said something like, "Dewd, I read ur blog. R U mad we put ur pic up because I can totalz take it down if ur not kewl with it!" (Don't let the style fool you, KatieScarlett is actually quite eloquent save her intentionally misspelling "masterbate." We just type all our e-mails to each other in the style of "To Catch a Predator" instant messages because it's funny to us). I responded "No, dewd, it's totz kewl, I wuz just busting ur ballz for not linking to my site and sending lotz of Nerve.com pseudo-intellectuals to get indignant on my comment pages for making fun of them! LOL ROFLMAO! Luv yew so!"
Nonetheless, KatieScarlett went and posted a link to my site for the porn artfag crowd to better find me, and directed her readers to look at the thumbnails on her blog sidebar. Because she and BloodyTosser are the special variety of internet chronicler known as "photobloggers", Nerve arranges little snippets of all their photos to tittilate readers. Right before the entry featuring my infamous balloon hat fellatio picture, they had posted pictures of a naked man jumping, so that's the thumb right below the one of my red eyes. KatieScarlett noted, "Doesn't the thumbnail arrangement make it look like poor Razzy has a ballsack for a nose??!! Hehehehehe!"
If there were Lee Press-On Noses, I'd make sure to get the scrotum-shaped variety for sheer humor value alone.
Labels: BloodyTosser, down with OPB (other people's blogs), KatieScarlett, ridiculous absurdity
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