Thursday, March 29, 2007
Feeling the hate for the baby collector
I used to have a huge, HUGE girl crush on Angelina Jolie, back when she used to do all sorts of lunatic shit, like collect knives, fuck girls, get tattoos, and make out with her brother. she might have been a little insane, but in a really hot way.
You'd never know when she'd haul off and do something completely, ridiculously nuts. I even liked her when she was wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck and talking about jumping enthusiastically on his manorexic trailer park dick in the limo on the way to the SAG awards. She was slutty, bizarre, out of her mind, and did not give a fuck. Consequently, I thought she was one of the most smoking pieces of ass on the planet.
Unfortunately, then Angelina's priorities changed and the U.N. appointed her their international spokeswhore, and it all went downhill from there. She decided that it would be much better to morph into what she calls "a citizen of the world" and what I call a STUCK-UP FUCKING BITCH, and a homewrecking, uptight, baby-stealing adoption junkie to boot. Before everyone jumps all over me for being mean to Saint Angelina, let me just catalogue her numerous asshole moves so that you can all see for yourselves what a fucking haughty hypocrite this cuntface ho-bag is.
First, in spite of claiming that Madonna's an asshole and that she would NEVER adopt a kid illegally, she hired a shady adoption agent who bribed Cambodian officials and bought first baby Maddox from his impoverished mother for a measly hundred clams. This prompted Cambodia to tighten up their adoption laws. You know you've seriously fucked up when an impoverished and underdeveloped nation famous for its killing fields decides that its orphans would be better off staying put instead of being sold to wealthy celebrities. Thanks to the tougher Angelina-prompted adoption laws, Casey Johnson, heiress to the Johnson and Johnson Band-Aid fortune, is bitching that Angelina ruined her chances of illegally adopting a Cambodian urchin of her own. Now, she's apparently fucked up again while acquiring the latest child for her collection because the kid's mom, a heroin addict named Dung, didn't sign off on the adoption and is supposedly going to demand she return him. I can't wait until Dung rallies all the Human Rights organizations to start denouncing Angelina for what she is: a fetishistic baby thief. Don't they have any orphans in Vietnam who are actually orphans that she could snag for her collection instead? On top of that, the kid is three, and upon getting him, she changed his name to Pax Thien from Pham Sang Quang. One would think that with all her world travels and experience with childrearing, she would know that there IS a difference between a human toddler and a stray dog at the pound, and one of those differences is that they KNOW THEIR OWN FUCKING NAMES BY THE AGE OF THREE. I hopes she socks some of the money she makes whoring out pictures of her new kids away for Pax's therapy when he's older. And for that matter, her biological baby Shiloh, who she called a "blob" and who is obviously her least favorite child. Shiloh never gets to go along with mommy and the rest of the brood when they pick out new siblings.
Also, instead of humanitarian aid, she figured that it would be much better to bring along a team of photographers on her latest vacation to the refugee camps in Chad and Darfur. I'm sure that kid really appreciates you telling him that he's seventy pounds underweight after you forced his ass onto that digital scale for the cameras. Bring his ass some food and medicine, instead, ho!
Furthermore, she had Newsweek tag along and take these photos of Angelina in action can market herself as the "voice of the victims." Yeah, there's nothing posed about these at all. I can just hear this bitch directing her team of stylists, makeup artists, and photographers to make the shots extra poignant:
Hey, let's do this in BLACK AND WHITE, to show everyone that I'm SUPER serious about this. Okay, first show me debriefing the U.N. humanitarian force. Hang on, I have to put on my $500 Marc Jacobs aviator shades on. They make me look like an army general. It shows people that I'm serious about this shit! Hey, and try to not to get too much of my private Gulfstream IV jet in the background...I want people to think I'm travelling with the riffraff, I mean, with the aid workers.
Cut the crap, soldier, where's the morgue? I need a shot of me grieving over some dead fucker's body.
Perfect. Alright, let's lighten things up a little. People need to see how I'm the only thing that can bring these people joy. Get some kids over here, and tell those lazy fucks in wardrobe that I need a head scarf. Now tell these kids some knock-knock jokes to get them smiling. What? You say they're not in a joking mood after the Sudanese government bombed the shit out of their villages and killed their entire families? Well, how do you say, "I just called Dominos, the pizza should be here any minute" in Arabic? No, wait, how do you say, "If you're good and you smile at me, I'll adopt you?" Yeah, that's it! Make it look like I'm the only thing that's ever brought hope to their worthless lives!
Maybe I will adopt one. I've got Zahara already, and if I could get a little African boy, I can complete the set.
Hey, here's a good one. Get a picture of me hugging his emaciated ass. Make sure I look REALLY empathetic.
Touching. That's perfect. It's the cover shot! Now get one of just me contemplating this great human tragedy.
Boo hoo, this is sad. Hey, "sad" rhymes with "Chad." I think that makes for a snappy headline! Are you writing this down, people? Nobody's going to care unless they see how sad I am, because I'm an expert on the world's problems. Nobody's going to give a shit about stupid Darfur unless they can see how much it's affecting ME!
Jesus Christ, I hate this woman. I know all about Darfur without this bullshit faux photojournalism. They have ads all over the damn subway about the hundreds of thousands who have died there, so it's not like I'm shocked to see that the situation over there seriously blows for the refugees. Furthermore, Angelina sold the first pictures of her and Pax Thien to Hello! magazine for $2 million dollars. Now she's saying that she's going to use $100,000 of that to build a hospital in the Sudan. While that's nice, WHAT'S SHE DOING WITH THE OTHER $1.9 million?
For someone who professes to care so deeply for her family, she also doesn't seem to have much respect for anyone else's. It's not that I'm on "Team Aniston", as I think Jennifer Aniston is a fugly, humorless, no-talent sourpuss without feminine features or really any endearing qualities. Given that her greatest impact on society was popularizing stupid layered haircuts and starring in one of the most annoying sitcoms in the history of television, I have no love for her. Also, if I were Brad Pitt, I'd probably jump at the opportunity to stick my dick in Angelina. However, she was simply the latest to have her man stolen by Angelina. Previously, Billy Bob Thornton was engaged to Laura Dern, and he dumped her by phone on the way to the Vegas chapel to marry Angelina. Angelina also hates her father, Jon Voight, without mercy. Interestingly enough, the reason she hates him is because he cheated on her mother and ruined their marriage. Way to break the cycle of adultery, Angelina. Nothing says "family values" like breaking up marriages and hating your dad for doing exactly that.
Then there's the matter of her insufferably snotty attitude. She has claimed to dislike American traditions such as Thanksgiving (because it's gluttonous and self-indulgent) and awards shows (supposedly she gave Ryan Seacrest the silent treatment on the red carpet at the Golden Globes this year because she considers awards shows to be "a waste of time and money.") I actually enjoy this trash, as do many other people, and they keep a lot of people fed and employed. For example, all the lesser judging staff on "America's Next Top Model" (Mr. and Miss J) and Joan and Melissa Rivers. You know those crones would starve if they didn't have shit to talk on the red carpet. In any event, awards shows are far less of a waste of time and money than THESE:
Wait, there's more...
And let's not forget the EXTREMELY worthwhile contributions to improve the quality of life for masturbating video game addicts everywhere with her performance in this powerful cinematic franchise:
And where would society be without THESE extremely useful contributions? Nominate her for a Nobel Peace Prize, already!
And don't overlook these oldies but not-goodies:
A waste of time and money? That basically describes Angelina's ENTIRE movie career, with the exceptions of Gia and Girl, Interrupted. I only liked Gia because there's was all sorts of hot girl-on-girl action in that with the chick who currently plays the fertility doctor on "Lost", and while I thought Girl, Interrupted sucked, apparently she was good in it because she played a mentally deranged slut. In other words, she played herself. Both movies continue to positively impact our society by getting lots of replay on the Lifetime Movie Network. It takes some serious nerve to be such a pompous cunt about what you're wearing at the Golden Globes when you've played second fiddle to Jack Palance in Cyborg 2.
It's funny that up until she started cruising the third-world for kids, telling everyone else what an inferior job they're doing solving the world's problems, and stinking up movie screens with her piss-poor film projects, she was getting along with her (totally awesome) dad John Voight. She hasn't spoken to him since made the appallingly rude request to merely meet his grandchildren and subsequently said she has "serious emotional problems." I guess she was more stable back when she was collecting knives and frenching her brother. That Angelina is dead to me now. The only remnant of her old life is that fact that for awhile Maddox was sporting the same faux-hawk popularized by her ex-girlfriend:
I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather attend a weeklong seminar dedicated exclusively to Bono talking about AIDS and debt than see more footage of Angelina riding around on her high horse and acting like the world's greatest humanitarian. That would be like a luxury vacation compared to bearing witness to any more Angelina worship. Finally, the mainstream media seems to agree with me, as Us Weekly has decided that the beatification of Angelina for all her saintly deeds has gone far enough. Behold, this week's cover:
It's about damn time the media turned on her, because I swear the next time I see this snatch parading around acting like the second coming of Christ on one of my internet gossip sites, I'm going to punch out my computer monitor. Thank you, Us Weekly, for feeling the hate!
You'd never know when she'd haul off and do something completely, ridiculously nuts. I even liked her when she was wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck and talking about jumping enthusiastically on his manorexic trailer park dick in the limo on the way to the SAG awards. She was slutty, bizarre, out of her mind, and did not give a fuck. Consequently, I thought she was one of the most smoking pieces of ass on the planet.
Unfortunately, then Angelina's priorities changed and the U.N. appointed her their international spokeswhore, and it all went downhill from there. She decided that it would be much better to morph into what she calls "a citizen of the world" and what I call a STUCK-UP FUCKING BITCH, and a homewrecking, uptight, baby-stealing adoption junkie to boot. Before everyone jumps all over me for being mean to Saint Angelina, let me just catalogue her numerous asshole moves so that you can all see for yourselves what a fucking haughty hypocrite this cuntface ho-bag is.
First, in spite of claiming that Madonna's an asshole and that she would NEVER adopt a kid illegally, she hired a shady adoption agent who bribed Cambodian officials and bought first baby Maddox from his impoverished mother for a measly hundred clams. This prompted Cambodia to tighten up their adoption laws. You know you've seriously fucked up when an impoverished and underdeveloped nation famous for its killing fields decides that its orphans would be better off staying put instead of being sold to wealthy celebrities. Thanks to the tougher Angelina-prompted adoption laws, Casey Johnson, heiress to the Johnson and Johnson Band-Aid fortune, is bitching that Angelina ruined her chances of illegally adopting a Cambodian urchin of her own. Now, she's apparently fucked up again while acquiring the latest child for her collection because the kid's mom, a heroin addict named Dung, didn't sign off on the adoption and is supposedly going to demand she return him. I can't wait until Dung rallies all the Human Rights organizations to start denouncing Angelina for what she is: a fetishistic baby thief. Don't they have any orphans in Vietnam who are actually orphans that she could snag for her collection instead? On top of that, the kid is three, and upon getting him, she changed his name to Pax Thien from Pham Sang Quang. One would think that with all her world travels and experience with childrearing, she would know that there IS a difference between a human toddler and a stray dog at the pound, and one of those differences is that they KNOW THEIR OWN FUCKING NAMES BY THE AGE OF THREE. I hopes she socks some of the money she makes whoring out pictures of her new kids away for Pax's therapy when he's older. And for that matter, her biological baby Shiloh, who she called a "blob" and who is obviously her least favorite child. Shiloh never gets to go along with mommy and the rest of the brood when they pick out new siblings.
Also, instead of humanitarian aid, she figured that it would be much better to bring along a team of photographers on her latest vacation to the refugee camps in Chad and Darfur. I'm sure that kid really appreciates you telling him that he's seventy pounds underweight after you forced his ass onto that digital scale for the cameras. Bring his ass some food and medicine, instead, ho!
Furthermore, she had Newsweek tag along and take these photos of Angelina in action can market herself as the "voice of the victims." Yeah, there's nothing posed about these at all. I can just hear this bitch directing her team of stylists, makeup artists, and photographers to make the shots extra poignant:
Hey, let's do this in BLACK AND WHITE, to show everyone that I'm SUPER serious about this. Okay, first show me debriefing the U.N. humanitarian force. Hang on, I have to put on my $500 Marc Jacobs aviator shades on. They make me look like an army general. It shows people that I'm serious about this shit! Hey, and try to not to get too much of my private Gulfstream IV jet in the background...I want people to think I'm travelling with the riffraff, I mean, with the aid workers.
Cut the crap, soldier, where's the morgue? I need a shot of me grieving over some dead fucker's body.
Perfect. Alright, let's lighten things up a little. People need to see how I'm the only thing that can bring these people joy. Get some kids over here, and tell those lazy fucks in wardrobe that I need a head scarf. Now tell these kids some knock-knock jokes to get them smiling. What? You say they're not in a joking mood after the Sudanese government bombed the shit out of their villages and killed their entire families? Well, how do you say, "I just called Dominos, the pizza should be here any minute" in Arabic? No, wait, how do you say, "If you're good and you smile at me, I'll adopt you?" Yeah, that's it! Make it look like I'm the only thing that's ever brought hope to their worthless lives!
Maybe I will adopt one. I've got Zahara already, and if I could get a little African boy, I can complete the set.
Hey, here's a good one. Get a picture of me hugging his emaciated ass. Make sure I look REALLY empathetic.
Touching. That's perfect. It's the cover shot! Now get one of just me contemplating this great human tragedy.
Boo hoo, this is sad. Hey, "sad" rhymes with "Chad." I think that makes for a snappy headline! Are you writing this down, people? Nobody's going to care unless they see how sad I am, because I'm an expert on the world's problems. Nobody's going to give a shit about stupid Darfur unless they can see how much it's affecting ME!
Jesus Christ, I hate this woman. I know all about Darfur without this bullshit faux photojournalism. They have ads all over the damn subway about the hundreds of thousands who have died there, so it's not like I'm shocked to see that the situation over there seriously blows for the refugees. Furthermore, Angelina sold the first pictures of her and Pax Thien to Hello! magazine for $2 million dollars. Now she's saying that she's going to use $100,000 of that to build a hospital in the Sudan. While that's nice, WHAT'S SHE DOING WITH THE OTHER $1.9 million?
For someone who professes to care so deeply for her family, she also doesn't seem to have much respect for anyone else's. It's not that I'm on "Team Aniston", as I think Jennifer Aniston is a fugly, humorless, no-talent sourpuss without feminine features or really any endearing qualities. Given that her greatest impact on society was popularizing stupid layered haircuts and starring in one of the most annoying sitcoms in the history of television, I have no love for her. Also, if I were Brad Pitt, I'd probably jump at the opportunity to stick my dick in Angelina. However, she was simply the latest to have her man stolen by Angelina. Previously, Billy Bob Thornton was engaged to Laura Dern, and he dumped her by phone on the way to the Vegas chapel to marry Angelina. Angelina also hates her father, Jon Voight, without mercy. Interestingly enough, the reason she hates him is because he cheated on her mother and ruined their marriage. Way to break the cycle of adultery, Angelina. Nothing says "family values" like breaking up marriages and hating your dad for doing exactly that.
Then there's the matter of her insufferably snotty attitude. She has claimed to dislike American traditions such as Thanksgiving (because it's gluttonous and self-indulgent) and awards shows (supposedly she gave Ryan Seacrest the silent treatment on the red carpet at the Golden Globes this year because she considers awards shows to be "a waste of time and money.") I actually enjoy this trash, as do many other people, and they keep a lot of people fed and employed. For example, all the lesser judging staff on "America's Next Top Model" (Mr. and Miss J) and Joan and Melissa Rivers. You know those crones would starve if they didn't have shit to talk on the red carpet. In any event, awards shows are far less of a waste of time and money than THESE:
Wait, there's more...
And let's not forget the EXTREMELY worthwhile contributions to improve the quality of life for masturbating video game addicts everywhere with her performance in this powerful cinematic franchise:
And where would society be without THESE extremely useful contributions? Nominate her for a Nobel Peace Prize, already!
And don't overlook these oldies but not-goodies:
A waste of time and money? That basically describes Angelina's ENTIRE movie career, with the exceptions of Gia and Girl, Interrupted. I only liked Gia because there's was all sorts of hot girl-on-girl action in that with the chick who currently plays the fertility doctor on "Lost", and while I thought Girl, Interrupted sucked, apparently she was good in it because she played a mentally deranged slut. In other words, she played herself. Both movies continue to positively impact our society by getting lots of replay on the Lifetime Movie Network. It takes some serious nerve to be such a pompous cunt about what you're wearing at the Golden Globes when you've played second fiddle to Jack Palance in Cyborg 2.
It's funny that up until she started cruising the third-world for kids, telling everyone else what an inferior job they're doing solving the world's problems, and stinking up movie screens with her piss-poor film projects, she was getting along with her (totally awesome) dad John Voight. She hasn't spoken to him since made the appallingly rude request to merely meet his grandchildren and subsequently said she has "serious emotional problems." I guess she was more stable back when she was collecting knives and frenching her brother. That Angelina is dead to me now. The only remnant of her old life is that fact that for awhile Maddox was sporting the same faux-hawk popularized by her ex-girlfriend:
I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather attend a weeklong seminar dedicated exclusively to Bono talking about AIDS and debt than see more footage of Angelina riding around on her high horse and acting like the world's greatest humanitarian. That would be like a luxury vacation compared to bearing witness to any more Angelina worship. Finally, the mainstream media seems to agree with me, as Us Weekly has decided that the beatification of Angelina for all her saintly deeds has gone far enough. Behold, this week's cover:
It's about damn time the media turned on her, because I swear the next time I see this snatch parading around acting like the second coming of Christ on one of my internet gossip sites, I'm going to punch out my computer monitor. Thank you, Us Weekly, for feeling the hate!
Labels: assholes, celebrities, media whores, movies, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, sluts, vanity
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I couldn't agree more. Seems to me that all of this celebrity psuedo-sympathy toward the 3rd World is nothing more than self-serving media-whoring. "Raising awareness" about (admittedly important) issues such as poverty and AIDS should mean just that; raising awareness about the issue at hand, not what these fucks have been up to recently in their collective slide toward Z-list anonymity.
In the epic words of Noel Gallagher [to Bono]: "Play 'One' and shut the fuck up about Africa." http://www.nme.com/news/oasis/26316
In the epic words of Noel Gallagher [to Bono]: "Play 'One' and shut the fuck up about Africa." http://www.nme.com/news/oasis/26316
# posted by 
: 3/29/2007 6:07 PM
: 3/29/2007 6:07 PM
amen! and note that angelina requested a child with no health problems. 1 out of the 20 kids in that orphanage 'qualified!' for her criteria. the other 19 were not worthy of being rescued by angelina becuase they had HIV or developmental issues. fucking psycho-bitch. and as that us weekly cover indicates, i am sure that brad is catching onto her crazy adoption-addictions. he didn't want this last one. obviously, they have enough with their 3 toddlers at home. i mean, how many can you really take care of?!?!? that marriage would be SO OVER had it not been for brad being worried about leaving the children with a mother with borderline personality disorder!
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# posted by : 3/29/2007 9:01 PM
: 3/29/2007 9:01 PM Links to this post:
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