Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Hurry up and die already
When he clawed his way to the top of the cutthroat Vatican politics to win at Conclave two years ago, I was really hoping that Benedixteen would literally be a short-lived Pope. He's no JP Dos, that's for sure. Not only does he have a distinct child molestery vibe about him, but he also is a straight-up asshole with the media, and is undoing all the good press the late Karol Wojtyla worked so hard to build.
John Paul the Second did a lot of nice shit compared to most pontiffs past. He defended Darwin's theory of evolution, apologized for the Crusades and the Inquisition, and denounced Pius XII's decision to sit tight and not say anything while the Jews of Rome were loaded onto Auschwitz-bound boxcars. He gave communism the finger. He also traveled all over the world and was sweet and kind to everybody. He made Catholics look good.
Then we get Benedixteen, and despite the fact that his bros in the College of Cardinals call him "God's Rottweiler", I at least hoped he'd carry on with JP Dos's campaign of friendliness. BIG WRONG. First he shows up to say Mass at St. Peter's rocking Prada loafers and a pair of Gucci shades and doesn't even consider for a second that it might be a tad hypocritical to lecture the throngs of faithful about being humble and modest and helping the poor while rocking the latest haute coutoure. Then he decides that the best way to reach out to Muslims is quoting a fourteenth century Byzantine emperor who characterized them as violent barbarians and devoted much of his reign trying to exterminate them.
Now, Benedixteen has really done it, and managed to piss me off personally. According to this news blurb, Benedixteen has decided that the Church hasn't been trying hard enough to ruin sex with oppressive feelings of guilt. Also, apparently the Church has been remiss in terms of gay bashing. Therefore, Benedixteen has taken it upon himself to remedy this in his latest Apostolic Exhortation.
Granted, I'm not exactly a model Catholic. Twelve years of Catholic school will make a girl into either a virgin or a big old whore, and guess which path I took? I've pretty much overlooked the whole sex-before-marriage thing, and I definitely don't use the Church-approved "natural family planning" method they advocate for contraception. That involves taking your vagina temperature and measuring the thickness of your cervical mucus...ewwww. Popping an Ortho Tri every morning is a hell of a lot easier. And as far as abortion goes...well, the only comment I'll make is that I'm pro-choice. In terms of my commitment to show up in church for Holy Communion, I'm what my brother calls a "CEO": Christmas-Easter only. I haven't received the sacrament of reconciliation since my freshman year of high school, and Lord knows the next time I do make it into a confessional, it's going to take a while. I've done a whole lot of sinning in the fifteen years that have elapsed since I last did my fifty Hail Marys of penance or whatever the hell I had to do to atone for my crimes.
However, despite my bad Catholic status, I still consider myself a member of the fold and pay close attention to pronouncements that filter down from the Holy See. I definitely think that if it wasn't obvious before, it should be now that Benedixteen is a fun-hating asshole who is overstepping his boundaries. First he claims that Catholic politicians throughout the world are supposed to rubber stamp the Church's views on everything from the usual no abortion and no euthanasia to no gay marriage. And if they don't? Excommunicate the motherfuckers! Well, not really...excommunication went out of vogue after the Dark Ages ended, but apparently they won't let you participate in fun liturgical activities, like taking communion. That also applies for anyone who has been divorced. John Kerry, therefore, has three strikes: pro-choice, divorced, and gay friendly. No Eucharist for his stringy, impious ass! I can't believe Benedixteen is actually trying to enforce this. It's like the Bishops are as worried about making sure that Catholic politicians will appoint Supreme Court justices that will overthrow Roe v. Wade as they are about covering up scandals wrought by child molesting priests.
While pro-life and anti-divorce has always been Church policy, there's no reason Benedixteen has to be such a fucking Nazi about it. This hard-line approach was probably learned at an early age when he joined the Hitler Youth. In case he wasn't being enough of a conservative prick, he also suggests that we bring back Latin masses and refers to priestly celibacy as "a priceless treasure." Granted, that's the same terminology I might use to describe my vibrator, but it doesn't mean that I think being celibate is anything to cheer about.
Benedixteen needs to just die. He's obviously spending most of his time trying to relive the good old days before Vatican II and not do anything to make the church seem accessible. We need another JP Dos: a dude who defies Nazis, kicks Communist ass, and sneaks out of Vatican City to go skiing. Please, God, take this motherfucker so we can get a new model!
John Paul the Second did a lot of nice shit compared to most pontiffs past. He defended Darwin's theory of evolution, apologized for the Crusades and the Inquisition, and denounced Pius XII's decision to sit tight and not say anything while the Jews of Rome were loaded onto Auschwitz-bound boxcars. He gave communism the finger. He also traveled all over the world and was sweet and kind to everybody. He made Catholics look good.
Then we get Benedixteen, and despite the fact that his bros in the College of Cardinals call him "God's Rottweiler", I at least hoped he'd carry on with JP Dos's campaign of friendliness. BIG WRONG. First he shows up to say Mass at St. Peter's rocking Prada loafers and a pair of Gucci shades and doesn't even consider for a second that it might be a tad hypocritical to lecture the throngs of faithful about being humble and modest and helping the poor while rocking the latest haute coutoure. Then he decides that the best way to reach out to Muslims is quoting a fourteenth century Byzantine emperor who characterized them as violent barbarians and devoted much of his reign trying to exterminate them.
Now, Benedixteen has really done it, and managed to piss me off personally. According to this news blurb, Benedixteen has decided that the Church hasn't been trying hard enough to ruin sex with oppressive feelings of guilt. Also, apparently the Church has been remiss in terms of gay bashing. Therefore, Benedixteen has taken it upon himself to remedy this in his latest Apostolic Exhortation.
Granted, I'm not exactly a model Catholic. Twelve years of Catholic school will make a girl into either a virgin or a big old whore, and guess which path I took? I've pretty much overlooked the whole sex-before-marriage thing, and I definitely don't use the Church-approved "natural family planning" method they advocate for contraception. That involves taking your vagina temperature and measuring the thickness of your cervical mucus...ewwww. Popping an Ortho Tri every morning is a hell of a lot easier. And as far as abortion goes...well, the only comment I'll make is that I'm pro-choice. In terms of my commitment to show up in church for Holy Communion, I'm what my brother calls a "CEO": Christmas-Easter only. I haven't received the sacrament of reconciliation since my freshman year of high school, and Lord knows the next time I do make it into a confessional, it's going to take a while. I've done a whole lot of sinning in the fifteen years that have elapsed since I last did my fifty Hail Marys of penance or whatever the hell I had to do to atone for my crimes.
However, despite my bad Catholic status, I still consider myself a member of the fold and pay close attention to pronouncements that filter down from the Holy See. I definitely think that if it wasn't obvious before, it should be now that Benedixteen is a fun-hating asshole who is overstepping his boundaries. First he claims that Catholic politicians throughout the world are supposed to rubber stamp the Church's views on everything from the usual no abortion and no euthanasia to no gay marriage. And if they don't? Excommunicate the motherfuckers! Well, not really...excommunication went out of vogue after the Dark Ages ended, but apparently they won't let you participate in fun liturgical activities, like taking communion. That also applies for anyone who has been divorced. John Kerry, therefore, has three strikes: pro-choice, divorced, and gay friendly. No Eucharist for his stringy, impious ass! I can't believe Benedixteen is actually trying to enforce this. It's like the Bishops are as worried about making sure that Catholic politicians will appoint Supreme Court justices that will overthrow Roe v. Wade as they are about covering up scandals wrought by child molesting priests.
While pro-life and anti-divorce has always been Church policy, there's no reason Benedixteen has to be such a fucking Nazi about it. This hard-line approach was probably learned at an early age when he joined the Hitler Youth. In case he wasn't being enough of a conservative prick, he also suggests that we bring back Latin masses and refers to priestly celibacy as "a priceless treasure." Granted, that's the same terminology I might use to describe my vibrator, but it doesn't mean that I think being celibate is anything to cheer about.
Benedixteen needs to just die. He's obviously spending most of his time trying to relive the good old days before Vatican II and not do anything to make the church seem accessible. We need another JP Dos: a dude who defies Nazis, kicks Communist ass, and sneaks out of Vatican City to go skiing. Please, God, take this motherfucker so we can get a new model!
Labels: Catholicism, Pope Benedixteen, scathing indictments
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