Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Stick Wit sUicide
For some reason, after Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" ended, I flipped the channel over to the CW network where "The Pussycat Dolls Present: Search for the Next Doll" or whatever that show is called was on. I have no idea why I ended up watching this instead of Primetime's expose of up-and-coming porn stars, except that I caught a glimpse of Lil' Kim as I was channel surfing by, and my jaw just dropped. That bitch is fatter every time I see her. She's expanding like a fucking Hungry Jack biscuit in a hot oven. I swear to God she got lupus from her leaking breast implant and is now taking massive doses of steroids; she can't really be that fat now, can she?
Anyway, my fascination with the transformation of Lil' Kim into Mo'Nique got me to watch 5 minutes of this show, and it transfixed me with its train wreckishness. The girls, who all cry at the slightest provocation when their lackluster performance of "Buttons" failed to win excessive praise from their "mentor", the slut who currently sings lead for the Pussycat Dolls, are complete and total fucking morons. They make the girls on "Top Model" look like the committee of scientists working on the Manhattan Project in comparison. It's almost like the number one criterion for being cast was being utterly vapid.
Even better is when these bitches in their gangsta-font "PCD" wife beaters and cocked fedoras start rattling off Pussycat Dolls talking points to the judges about how they're here to be a "role model" (as opposed to "clap-spreading attention whore") because the Dolls are all about female empowerment and independence. And nothing says "womyn power" like a camel toe and a "Property of Stick Wit U" midriff-baring scoop-neck baby tee. At least it measures up to my old professor Saratoga120's interpretation of feminist actualization: "when there are many mediocre women as there are mediocre men in important, visible, or powerful positions." When I see Saratoga120 at LL Cool Jew's upcoming wedding, I'll inform her that finally gender equity has been achieved in the music industry and cite this as the most compelling piece of evidence.
The girls can't hold a candle in the "hot mess" department compared to the Pussycat Dolls' creator and producer, choreographer Robin Antin. I can state unequivocally that Robin Antin DEFINITELY AND FOR SURE was once a man. This isn't just a s/he-has-an-Adam's-apple kind of tranny. S/he looks like David Leisure (thespian noted for his work on "Empty Nest" and the seminal "Joe Isuzu" ad campaign) with one of Tyra Banks's discarded weaves on his/her head. S/he may not have had his/her gender reassigned as an adult, but I can picture him/her being one of those babies born a hermaphrodite, whose parents just picked a sex and ran with it when s/he was a baby. Whatever the scientific explanation, bitch definitely is packing a Y chromosome.
Bolstering the medical anomaly argument is Robin's general demeanor. The way she nods vigorously while smiling this vacant, open-mouthed grin makes me wonder if s/he didn't spend childhood riding the short bus with Corky Thatcher. Something is definitely amiss upstairs when a person shows that much primal, drooling, mouth-breathing joy listening to a trio of fake-titted, overtanned prostitutes perform atrocious covers of Ciara's "One, Two Step."
And then there's the aforementioned used-to-be-Lil' Kim. This woman, known for irresistable seduction lines such as "somethin' I wanted, but I never was pushy, the motherfucker never ate my pussy" and "I dug him, so I fucked him, it wasn't nothin'...he wanted me to suck him but I didn't, I ain't frontin'", actually lectures these bitches on how to be desirable. She acts like she's in fact cornered the market on sex appeal. John D. Rockefeller had oil, J.P. Morgan had railroads and banks, and Lil' Kim has sexiness? Sha right. The woman looks like she just ate an entire Popeye's, and I mean the ENTIRE restaurant, including the building. Furthermore, I think the CW was so busy dressing the contestants in PCD branded hooker wear that they forgot to budget for Lil' Kim's wardrobe, because she's wearing what looks like the same busted orange top that she's worn for virtually every TV appearance since she emerged from the federal penitentiary. She looks like a really slutty version of the Great Fucking Pumpkin, and don't get me started on her hair. Her wig looks like it was made of chicken wire, papier mache, and numerous coats of some sort of shellacking agent. My money's on Epoxy.
Don't watch this show. For weeks I've been referring to it as "Search for the Next Pussyclot Doll" to amuse J-Sexy. "Pussyclot" is a term in Jamaican patois that literally means "maxi-pad", but is often as an adjective to make an insult even more derogatory (ie: "you pussyclot motherfucker"). In this case, it is totally fitting. Unless you are feeling particularly masochistic, I would avoid this shit like the herpes the contestants are probably spreading around Los Angeles in their spare time. Jumping off a bridge would be a better use of your time.
Anyway, my fascination with the transformation of Lil' Kim into Mo'Nique got me to watch 5 minutes of this show, and it transfixed me with its train wreckishness. The girls, who all cry at the slightest provocation when their lackluster performance of "Buttons" failed to win excessive praise from their "mentor", the slut who currently sings lead for the Pussycat Dolls, are complete and total fucking morons. They make the girls on "Top Model" look like the committee of scientists working on the Manhattan Project in comparison. It's almost like the number one criterion for being cast was being utterly vapid.
Even better is when these bitches in their gangsta-font "PCD" wife beaters and cocked fedoras start rattling off Pussycat Dolls talking points to the judges about how they're here to be a "role model" (as opposed to "clap-spreading attention whore") because the Dolls are all about female empowerment and independence. And nothing says "womyn power" like a camel toe and a "Property of Stick Wit U" midriff-baring scoop-neck baby tee. At least it measures up to my old professor Saratoga120's interpretation of feminist actualization: "when there are many mediocre women as there are mediocre men in important, visible, or powerful positions." When I see Saratoga120 at LL Cool Jew's upcoming wedding, I'll inform her that finally gender equity has been achieved in the music industry and cite this as the most compelling piece of evidence.
The girls can't hold a candle in the "hot mess" department compared to the Pussycat Dolls' creator and producer, choreographer Robin Antin. I can state unequivocally that Robin Antin DEFINITELY AND FOR SURE was once a man. This isn't just a s/he-has-an-Adam's-apple kind of tranny. S/he looks like David Leisure (thespian noted for his work on "Empty Nest" and the seminal "Joe Isuzu" ad campaign) with one of Tyra Banks's discarded weaves on his/her head. S/he may not have had his/her gender reassigned as an adult, but I can picture him/her being one of those babies born a hermaphrodite, whose parents just picked a sex and ran with it when s/he was a baby. Whatever the scientific explanation, bitch definitely is packing a Y chromosome.
Bolstering the medical anomaly argument is Robin's general demeanor. The way she nods vigorously while smiling this vacant, open-mouthed grin makes me wonder if s/he didn't spend childhood riding the short bus with Corky Thatcher. Something is definitely amiss upstairs when a person shows that much primal, drooling, mouth-breathing joy listening to a trio of fake-titted, overtanned prostitutes perform atrocious covers of Ciara's "One, Two Step."
And then there's the aforementioned used-to-be-Lil' Kim. This woman, known for irresistable seduction lines such as "somethin' I wanted, but I never was pushy, the motherfucker never ate my pussy" and "I dug him, so I fucked him, it wasn't nothin'...he wanted me to suck him but I didn't, I ain't frontin'", actually lectures these bitches on how to be desirable. She acts like she's in fact cornered the market on sex appeal. John D. Rockefeller had oil, J.P. Morgan had railroads and banks, and Lil' Kim has sexiness? Sha right. The woman looks like she just ate an entire Popeye's, and I mean the ENTIRE restaurant, including the building. Furthermore, I think the CW was so busy dressing the contestants in PCD branded hooker wear that they forgot to budget for Lil' Kim's wardrobe, because she's wearing what looks like the same busted orange top that she's worn for virtually every TV appearance since she emerged from the federal penitentiary. She looks like a really slutty version of the Great Fucking Pumpkin, and don't get me started on her hair. Her wig looks like it was made of chicken wire, papier mache, and numerous coats of some sort of shellacking agent. My money's on Epoxy.
Don't watch this show. For weeks I've been referring to it as "Search for the Next Pussyclot Doll" to amuse J-Sexy. "Pussyclot" is a term in Jamaican patois that literally means "maxi-pad", but is often as an adjective to make an insult even more derogatory (ie: "you pussyclot motherfucker"). In this case, it is totally fitting. Unless you are feeling particularly masochistic, I would avoid this shit like the herpes the contestants are probably spreading around Los Angeles in their spare time. Jumping off a bridge would be a better use of your time.
Labels: celebrities, fat fucks, gender bending, Lil' Kim, media whores, oh the horror, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist, ranting, sluts, TV
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I thought you liked Lil Kim? She's not that fat. More like Oprah than Monique I'd say.
# posted by 
: 3/14/2007 12:38 PM
: 3/14/2007 12:38 PM
And I'd say she makes Tyra Banks look skinny.
But that other chick's definitely trans.
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But that other chick's definitely trans.
# posted by : 3/14/2007 1:37 PM
: 3/14/2007 1:37 PM 
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