Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Almost a reunion
I've always had a weakness for the Spice Girls. They were so ridiculous it was impossible not to love them: those Union Jack minidresses, their cheesetastic marketing, the absurd "music" they created which lyrically consists of the bastard child of a phonics lesson and the more salient points of a Cathy page-a-day calendar. I even saw their mockumentary Spice World, which follows the Spice Girls around as they promote girl power and hilarity ensues. According to this movie, a typical day for the Spice Girls involves bickering about which dresses to wear, playing chess on the tour bus (except without knowing the rules of chess, like what "check" means, and prefacing killer moves with zingers like, "Well, I'll move my fairground horse over there...sort that out!"), moonlighting as obstetricians, speculating whether or not their male dancers stuff their aptly named banana hammocks with fruit, exorcise a haunted house, go for an impromptu dip in the Thames, and attempt to drive a bus, thus causing massive automotive chaos throughout London. Does it make sense? Not at all. Is it awesome? FUCK, YES!
As an added bonus, the Spice World viewer also gets a little insight as to the forces driving Posh's famous taste in fashion with insightful dialogue such as this:
I am surprised to see that most of the Spice Girls are looking better than I expected. Fortunately, both Sporty and Posh invested in a set of veneers to improve what were some seriously busted British smiles. Sporty also is femming it up compared to the athletic dyke look she desperately clung to even after her Spice alter-ego was no longer relevant. Baby Spice, on the other hand, needs to lay off the bangers and mash and hit the gym. Ginger looks like an aged porn star who got bukkaked one too many times and needs new highlights, but she's in better shape than I thought she would be. It may also have been a bad idea to make Posh the godmother because she's apparently already taught the kid, who Ginger actually named "Bluebell Madonna" in all seriousness, how to make mean-face for the press. Overall, though, I expected at least one Spice death and/or one Spice junkie, so the absence of either is a positive thing. Girl power!
Sadly, Scary Spice was not able to attend. This is currently because she's busy negotiating a huge payout for a tell-all book about how Eddie Murphy dumped her after discovering she was actually a real woman, and not a pre-op tranny. Eddie likes his ladies on the manly side. Somehow, Scary was able to deceive him long enough to harvest his baby batter, and now is otherwise occupied taking that all the way to the bank. I'm sure she sent her most sincere regrets.
As an added bonus, the Spice World viewer also gets a little insight as to the forces driving Posh's famous taste in fashion with insightful dialogue such as this:
Posh: It's always the same. I never know what to wear.It's a shame the girls couldn't keep the magic alive, because I think the Spice Girls should have been bigger than the Beatles. Alas, that's not how it worked out, but fortunately the Spice Girls are still "friends," by which I mean "desperate media whores," so they invited the press to their reunion/Ginger Spice's baby's christening. To ensure that the tabloids pay top dollar for the photos, of course Posh, being the current most-famous Spice Girl, acted as the godmother.
Sporty: It must be so hard for you, Victoria. I mean, having to decide whether to wear the little Gucci dress, the little Gucci dress, or... the little Gucci dress!
Posh: Exactly.
Baby: I know, why don't you wear the little Gucci dress?
Posh: Good idea. Thanks, Em.
Sadly, Scary Spice was not able to attend. This is currently because she's busy negotiating a huge payout for a tell-all book about how Eddie Murphy dumped her after discovering she was actually a real woman, and not a pre-op tranny. Eddie likes his ladies on the manly side. Somehow, Scary was able to deceive him long enough to harvest his baby batter, and now is otherwise occupied taking that all the way to the bank. I'm sure she sent her most sincere regrets.
Labels: aging, celebrities, international intrigue, media whores, sluts
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