Friday, April 20, 2007
BREAKING NEWS! TORTURE RAPIST CAUGHT!
NY1, the finest local news station in the universe, is now reporting that Manhattan SVU has Billy Bobs in custody and are questioning him! Morning news anchor (and total stud, for a mild-looking, dryly sarcastic Canadian former "lite" radio DJ) Pat Kiernan just announced that Detectives Benson and Stabler are working him over right now back at the 103. Olivia is being really self-righteous, Elliott is getting really, REALLY ANGRY, Ice-T is being sullenly judgmental, and Detective Munch is crafting bitter, darkly humorous one-liners about foreign policy. Well...that part about the cast of "Law and Order:SVU" was obviously all made-up, but I'm just filling in the blanks because the news is a little spare on the details right now.
The Daily News website is also announcing that the suspect was "COLLARED IN SICKO RAPE" while burglarizing an apartment in Hollis, Queens, and pleased me immensely by giving it a corner of their front page (ignore the back page cover beatification of Gay-Rod):
Gary Anthony Ramsay, the NY1 reporter on the scene, also just told Pat Kiernan that while in prison, Billy Bobs was famous for "outbursts of violence, including throwing his own feces." Not only does that particular specialty really round out his resume as a predicate felon, but I'd wager that this talent also made him really popular with his fellow inmates. In fact, the fellas upstate should be cautioned that a shitstorm is literally headed their way. As soon as this gets to court, the victim is going to be very Kobra Kai and tell the DA to have NO MERCY. Motherfucker will be lucky to get out of jail in his lifetime. According to the Daily News, her only remarks to the press thus far are "the dude should be castrated." Ready a bunk at Sing Sing for his poop-slinging rapist ass.
The Daily News website is also announcing that the suspect was "COLLARED IN SICKO RAPE" while burglarizing an apartment in Hollis, Queens, and pleased me immensely by giving it a corner of their front page (ignore the back page cover beatification of Gay-Rod):
Gary Anthony Ramsay, the NY1 reporter on the scene, also just told Pat Kiernan that while in prison, Billy Bobs was famous for "outbursts of violence, including throwing his own feces." Not only does that particular specialty really round out his resume as a predicate felon, but I'd wager that this talent also made him really popular with his fellow inmates. In fact, the fellas upstate should be cautioned that a shitstorm is literally headed their way. As soon as this gets to court, the victim is going to be very Kobra Kai and tell the DA to have NO MERCY. Motherfucker will be lucky to get out of jail in his lifetime. According to the Daily News, her only remarks to the press thus far are "the dude should be castrated." Ready a bunk at Sing Sing for his poop-slinging rapist ass.
Labels: comeuppance, crime and punishment, large exclamatory font, NYC, sexual assault
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