Thursday, April 12, 2007
Building a mystery
Okay, so I'm not really "building" a mystery so much as I couldn't think of anything better than Sarah MacLachlan lyrics to head off a post about lesbian sex and sex toys, but it does involve a mystery nonetheless. Apparently, 2007 is the year of the pussy for me, because I keep getting action with the ladies. NO, I'm still not identifying as bisexual, because I don't actually have romantic relationships with women (too much fucking maintenance) and because while a little girl-on-girl action is hot sometimes, I just couldn't have a relationship with no dick. Just because I occasionally take a dip in the tuna tank doesn't mean I've lost my appetite for sausage.
Anyway, so I was doing it with this chick a while back, and it was definitely more of the 69-ing (or, more appropriately, 88-ing, which is Sapphic for 69-ing), Briana Loves Jenna-style of fucking than the old Smith College let's-boobmash-and-talk-about-our-feelings variety. In that spirit, chick asked if I had any sex toys. Since I don't usually hook up with chicks and I've never asked a dude if he felt like getting pegged, I don't have the standard lezzie drawer of harnesses and strap-ons and such. I do have a vibrator, but it's more function than form. In fact, it's technically not even a vibrator, as it's one of those Sharper Image numbers they market as "body massagers". I have this other more conventional vibrator, though, that's shaped like a dick. It was called the G-spotter, although whoever designed it clearly has no idea where the G-spot actually is (the little curve designed for this purpose was like six inches inside...anatomically challenged dumbass vibrator engineers). I also was unhappy with the motor power of this thing, as well as its tendency to suck batteries dry within like 5 minutes. However, I've kept it around for sentimental reasons. Once when I lived in Tacoma, this guy I was hooking up with wanted to use it on me one evening after downing several dozen cocktails at Magoo's, a local watering hole. I got it out and turned it on for him, but we both passed out at that point, and I awoke several hours later to find it buzzing feebly on the pillow against his face. Thinking of that still makes me chuckle, so I held on to the ineffective G-spotter.
Since then, the G-spotter has always been in my bedside table drawer unless I'm moving, in which case it goes into the "bedside table drawer" box to be unpacked and placed in exactly the same spot. I keep all my sex crap in there: my collection of condoms, lube, the practical "body massager" I mentioned, a cock ring that I sometimes wear as a bracelet because no dude has ever wanted to put it on, another random vibrator that I never have batteries for, the G-spotter, my Smith diploma, and my passport (I don't use the diploma and passport as sex toys, but I won't lose them if I keep them in that drawer.) So when this chick requested a strap-on, I said I couldn't do that, but I did have a dildo-shaped vibrator. All ready to impress, I opened the drawer with a flourish, and peeked in.
Where the fuck was the G-spotter? I figured it had filtered to the bottom, so I started shifting around the mountains of condoms and other crap in there. I still couldn't find it. My partner in Sapphic action was getting impatient. I found a bottle of lube and threw it at her, saying, "Well, so far I found this. Better hang on to that, it's like the G-spotter's companion product."
"Are you sure it's in there?" she asked, still impatient for the G-spotter.
"Well, I did find this nail-clipper, honey, so while you're waiting you could find a use for that." Chick had a lovely manicure which was well-suited for any occasion EXCEPT sticking into another chick's vadge.
"Very funny," she said, giving me a look that said, "Sha right, like I'm fucking up my nails for this". Instead she said, "Jeez, Razzy, they're not that long."
After another few minutes of searching, I had to resign myself to admit that the G-spotter is missing. I brought out the less pretty but nonetheless effective body massager, and relied on my own knowledge of the location of the female G-spot, but the absent G-spotter is still bothering me some time later.
How does a vibrator just disappear completely? I can't imagine that somebody took it. First of all, people hardly ever come to my apartment because it's a shitshow. Second, it's a studio apartment, so someone would be hard-pressed to start digging around my bedside table drawer without me noticing. Third, who the hell steals somebody else's used vibrator? Ewwwww. My main reasons for having this vibrator around are the aforementioned nostalgic ones and in case of extraordinarily rare occurrences like bringing home some random girl for porn and fingerbanging. I know I didn't throw it away, so where could it have possibly gone?
Like I said, it's a mystery. I'm going to have to do some searching elsewhere in the apartment on the off-chance that I tossed it into one of the boxes I STILL haven't unpacked after moving here (almost two years ago). It takes a strong stimuli to inspire me to clean, but I'll solve the mystery of the lost G-spotter caper if it's the last damn thing I do. Inspector Razzy is on the case.
In the meantime, maybe I should go buy a harness and strap-on, considering that I seem to be getting more pussy these days than the damn Humane Society. It might be a sensible investment.
Anyway, so I was doing it with this chick a while back, and it was definitely more of the 69-ing (or, more appropriately, 88-ing, which is Sapphic for 69-ing), Briana Loves Jenna-style of fucking than the old Smith College let's-boobmash-and-talk-about-our-feelings variety. In that spirit, chick asked if I had any sex toys. Since I don't usually hook up with chicks and I've never asked a dude if he felt like getting pegged, I don't have the standard lezzie drawer of harnesses and strap-ons and such. I do have a vibrator, but it's more function than form. In fact, it's technically not even a vibrator, as it's one of those Sharper Image numbers they market as "body massagers". I have this other more conventional vibrator, though, that's shaped like a dick. It was called the G-spotter, although whoever designed it clearly has no idea where the G-spot actually is (the little curve designed for this purpose was like six inches inside...anatomically challenged dumbass vibrator engineers). I also was unhappy with the motor power of this thing, as well as its tendency to suck batteries dry within like 5 minutes. However, I've kept it around for sentimental reasons. Once when I lived in Tacoma, this guy I was hooking up with wanted to use it on me one evening after downing several dozen cocktails at Magoo's, a local watering hole. I got it out and turned it on for him, but we both passed out at that point, and I awoke several hours later to find it buzzing feebly on the pillow against his face. Thinking of that still makes me chuckle, so I held on to the ineffective G-spotter.
Since then, the G-spotter has always been in my bedside table drawer unless I'm moving, in which case it goes into the "bedside table drawer" box to be unpacked and placed in exactly the same spot. I keep all my sex crap in there: my collection of condoms, lube, the practical "body massager" I mentioned, a cock ring that I sometimes wear as a bracelet because no dude has ever wanted to put it on, another random vibrator that I never have batteries for, the G-spotter, my Smith diploma, and my passport (I don't use the diploma and passport as sex toys, but I won't lose them if I keep them in that drawer.) So when this chick requested a strap-on, I said I couldn't do that, but I did have a dildo-shaped vibrator. All ready to impress, I opened the drawer with a flourish, and peeked in.
Where the fuck was the G-spotter? I figured it had filtered to the bottom, so I started shifting around the mountains of condoms and other crap in there. I still couldn't find it. My partner in Sapphic action was getting impatient. I found a bottle of lube and threw it at her, saying, "Well, so far I found this. Better hang on to that, it's like the G-spotter's companion product."
"Are you sure it's in there?" she asked, still impatient for the G-spotter.
"Well, I did find this nail-clipper, honey, so while you're waiting you could find a use for that." Chick had a lovely manicure which was well-suited for any occasion EXCEPT sticking into another chick's vadge.
"Very funny," she said, giving me a look that said, "Sha right, like I'm fucking up my nails for this". Instead she said, "Jeez, Razzy, they're not that long."
After another few minutes of searching, I had to resign myself to admit that the G-spotter is missing. I brought out the less pretty but nonetheless effective body massager, and relied on my own knowledge of the location of the female G-spot, but the absent G-spotter is still bothering me some time later.
How does a vibrator just disappear completely? I can't imagine that somebody took it. First of all, people hardly ever come to my apartment because it's a shitshow. Second, it's a studio apartment, so someone would be hard-pressed to start digging around my bedside table drawer without me noticing. Third, who the hell steals somebody else's used vibrator? Ewwwww. My main reasons for having this vibrator around are the aforementioned nostalgic ones and in case of extraordinarily rare occurrences like bringing home some random girl for porn and fingerbanging. I know I didn't throw it away, so where could it have possibly gone?
Like I said, it's a mystery. I'm going to have to do some searching elsewhere in the apartment on the off-chance that I tossed it into one of the boxes I STILL haven't unpacked after moving here (almost two years ago). It takes a strong stimuli to inspire me to clean, but I'll solve the mystery of the lost G-spotter caper if it's the last damn thing I do. Inspector Razzy is on the case.
In the meantime, maybe I should go buy a harness and strap-on, considering that I seem to be getting more pussy these days than the damn Humane Society. It might be a sensible investment.
Labels: hot chicks, lezbollah, perversion, porn, Razzification, ridiculous absurdity, sex, sluts
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that is some hot shit right there. i'll take you dildo shopping if you want, raz!
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# posted by 
: 4/12/2007 2:43 PM
: 4/12/2007 2:43 PM Links to this post:
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