Saturday, April 21, 2007
Gigantic Saturday
As part of my effort to train for a marathon in several months, I am running races. Tomorrow, I have to run 4 miles in the New York Road Runners/Adidas Run for the Parks race in Central Park, and I have to haul my ass out of bed at 6:30 a.m. to stand in line to get my number and ChampionCHIP (a microchip that will digitally record what will undoubtedly be an extraordinarily slow race time). Therefore, I decided to stay home tonight to ensure that I am in as little pain as possible while running under the "Impossible is Nothing" finish line. Impossible will be impossible if I make a date with my boyfriend Johnnie Walker and run all over New York tonight, so I'm having a quiet night of sobriety (or at least beer instead of whiskey) at home watching TV. I ended up flipping to this show called "Sabado Gigante" during a commercial on E!'s "THS Investigates Spring Break Nightmares," and gratitude for the large quantity of cerveza in my fridge ensued.
"Sabado Gigante," which translates literally to "Gigantic Saturday," is this variety show on Univision that may be the craziest shit I've ever seen on TV. Granted, my Spanish is muy mal, but it's not hard to figure out that this show is totally and completely FUCKING RIDICULOUS. It's a talk/game show that's probably best described as a combination of Maury Povich, The Man Show, Jeopardy, General Hospital, Hollywood Squares, a Daddy Yankee video, Barney and Friends, a Suzanne Somers infomercial, The Newlywed Game, Showtime at the Apollo, and the Price is Right, except en espanol and on some type of mind-blowing crack. I have been on the edge of my seat since I happened upon this gem.
The show moves at a rapid pace and is full of surprises. It's hard to keep track of all the ridiculous absurdity that has transpired in the last 30 minutes of this show:
1.When I started watching, host Don Francisco, whose look can best be described as part-Vince McMahon, part-greasy uncle that creeps everyone out, is quizzing a couple named Jose y Erika having some type of marital disagreement.
From what I could glean, the main problem was Jose's habit of lying about his substance abuse problems. Then the host asked the audience to decide who was right. The audience decided that Erika's argument was superior to her husband Jose's.
2. El senor Don Francisco is surrounded by dancing hoochies that look like really slutted out Fanta girls for no good reason for about thirty seconds. The dancing hoochies are like ghosts, for they disappear just as quickly.
3. A segment featuring a surprise paternidad test with this old deadbeat fat man. It turns out the deadbeat is el padre, but his daughter hates his guts, so the point is moot. After that is some sort of contest where panels of couples quiz a bunch of bride-groom pairings about their sex lives and values, and win money where they guess which is the most depraved.
4. Don Francisco has some ho show off a Ford Fusion, which is apparently being offered as a prize for some to-be-determined contest.
5. Don Francisco and some hooker wearing an outfit so reminiscent of a gaudily sequined full-body submissive harness that I wondered where her ball gag was hawk some DVDs in which Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse teach kids English, "El mundo del ingles de Disney," so they can speak the language of Disneyland.
6. More dancing hoochies in different outfits. Another shot of a different hoochie reclining on the shiny Fusion.
7. A guy dressed like some sort of sheik in a Pride parade runs through the audience, stirring up excitement, and then onstage, where he good-naturedly harasses Don Francisco. He drags some woman from the audience who looks as though her excitement might cause some type of cerebrovascular accident at any moment, some hos come out and give her money, and the sheik escorts her back to her seat.
8. A band of mariachis plays. The crowd goes insane.
9. A woman came out running around in a Pocahontas outfit pretending to rain dance, shrieking woo-woo-woo-woo, talking shit about the Apaches, and doing everything possible that might be offensive to Native Americans. She had an argument with Don Francisco about whether or not she would move to Hollywood and star in a movie about Indians which amused the audience greatly, then confessed her love for him, he tried to kick her off the set for making lewd jokes, the audience booed, and she declared him "el vaquero mas guapo."
10. Some bitch wins five grand. I have no idea how.
11. Don Francisco is gasping for no apparent reason as he interviews a woman whose mother was Dominican and father was Pakistani. Don Francisco jumps to a scene of the Dominicana-Pakistani at work. He gives her some money and her entire family, including distant cousins, appears in the audience and runs out, hugging her and weeping.
12. Don Francisco and this chick who looks like an alien drag hooker trying to impersonate Mariah Carey advertise elastic body shapers called "Molding Up", that suck in unsightly fat bulges. Chick raves about Molding Up, and they encourage women to call and get a perfect body in less than one minute.
13. Don Francisco, wearing a giant feathered hat with a donkey's head on top introduces a guy dressed like an Inquisition torturer at a gay leather bar with a trumpet slung around his shoulders carrying a pitchfork, who runs through the audience pretend-pitchforking delighted women in the head. The Inquisition torturer returns to a medieval set and proceeds to officiate a singing contest. Don Francisco dons a white easter bonnet covered with lace embellished with hearts for this contestant. Then some chick sings and he wears a baseball hat that looks like the Mexican flag. The next contestant sucks, and Don Francisco wears a jester cap. The reason for the Inquisition torturer's trumpet becomes apparent, as he drives the shitty singer from the stage with a resounding blast of that song bands play at college sports events which is generally followed by a communal shout of "CHARGE!".
14. Don Francisco hawks some type of snake oil face cream called Botulex. The chick is claiming that it has the same effects as Botox without a prescription. I sincerely doubt that it degrades SNARE protein SNAP-25 in neurons, thus blocking vesicular transport and preventing the release of neurotransmitters at the synapse, but Don Francisco and the Botulex ho are vigorously endorsing it nonetheless.
15. Some fat chick sings to her husband Miguel. Don Francisco puts on a hat with flowers on it. Apparently the singing contest continues. Don Francisco reveals that the chick who warranted the Mexican hat won. Her prize seems to be a date with some mariachi singer named David.
16. Don Francisco interviews an immigration lawyer in the audience. He provides counsel to a couple trying to sort out their niece's visa problems. He suggests she marry an American immediately. Then he tells another woman who is evading an order for deportation that her problem is very serious, but he applauds her enduring love for her husband and informs her that she won the Fusion.
17. A couple is pulled out of the audience and Don Francisco proceeds to give the guy some type of high pressure, rapid fire timed series of questions. Then he wins money and everyone sings.
18. The crowd is treated to a sad story about some woman whose husband was a 9/11 hero, but who has been in jail for four years because of some paperwork error at INS, and Don Francisco interviews her, her husband, and her lawyer, Don Edward Sapone. The lawyer bitches passionately about immigration policy, the chick cries, and Don Francisco observes that la migra's bureaucracy is slow as shit, highly inefficient, and generally fucked up. Then the lawyer starts talking about blood in an apartment and I'm very confused, because I thought this about immigration. I need to brush up on my Spanish is a serious way.
19. Don Francisco teases the audience by announcing that some dude named Miguel Bose will be on after the commercial, which is for "La Fea mas Bella," a telenovela similar to "Ugly Betty."
20. Miguel Bose appears, talks to Don Francisco about his music and his videos starring some Shakira wannabe chick in a bikini, and drives the women crazy. I have no idea why, because he looks like Donny Deutsch.
21. Some type of live sketch comedy happens in which an old woman is dissuaded from leaping off her roof, a smooth-talking lothario is prevented from sleeping with a very Kelly Bundy-esque teenager, the now non-suicidal old woman runs in stuck to a decorative cactus and ruins a priceless painting, a handyman gets slapped and responds by dressing in a full Three Musketeers-style outfit complete with rakishly tilted plumed cap, and the smooth-talker steals some guys money. The audience guffaws its approval.
22. A group of hoochies dance around pretending to play long trumpets. This ushers in some type of Home Depot-sponsored contest in which singing, dancing, and image consultants judge a mariachi contest. Mariachis are super popular on this show. La profesora del canto is giving serious fuck-me eyes to a male contestant named Zineb who looks like Ray Liotta's bastard Mexican son.
I have to stop now, because I don't think it's a good idea watch that much more of "Sabado Gigante." Don Francisco's Kool-Aid is intoxicating, and this show is like four hours long, and I'm not sure I can survive that. I'm so excited by this craziness that I feel like my head will explode if I watch another second. Gigantic Saturday is about to give me a gigantic coronary. As far as a relaxing night of healthy rest goes for me, I'm starting to think that maybe it would have been more prudent to drink my body's liquid volume in scotch. Impossible is "Sabado Gigante."
The show moves at a rapid pace and is full of surprises. It's hard to keep track of all the ridiculous absurdity that has transpired in the last 30 minutes of this show:
1.When I started watching, host Don Francisco, whose look can best be described as part-Vince McMahon, part-greasy uncle that creeps everyone out, is quizzing a couple named Jose y Erika having some type of marital disagreement.
2. El senor Don Francisco is surrounded by dancing hoochies that look like really slutted out Fanta girls for no good reason for about thirty seconds. The dancing hoochies are like ghosts, for they disappear just as quickly.
3. A segment featuring a surprise paternidad test with this old deadbeat fat man. It turns out the deadbeat is el padre, but his daughter hates his guts, so the point is moot. After that is some sort of contest where panels of couples quiz a bunch of bride-groom pairings about their sex lives and values, and win money where they guess which is the most depraved.
4. Don Francisco has some ho show off a Ford Fusion, which is apparently being offered as a prize for some to-be-determined contest.
5. Don Francisco and some hooker wearing an outfit so reminiscent of a gaudily sequined full-body submissive harness that I wondered where her ball gag was hawk some DVDs in which Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse teach kids English, "El mundo del ingles de Disney," so they can speak the language of Disneyland.
6. More dancing hoochies in different outfits. Another shot of a different hoochie reclining on the shiny Fusion.
7. A guy dressed like some sort of sheik in a Pride parade runs through the audience, stirring up excitement, and then onstage, where he good-naturedly harasses Don Francisco. He drags some woman from the audience who looks as though her excitement might cause some type of cerebrovascular accident at any moment, some hos come out and give her money, and the sheik escorts her back to her seat.
8. A band of mariachis plays. The crowd goes insane.
9. A woman came out running around in a Pocahontas outfit pretending to rain dance, shrieking woo-woo-woo-woo, talking shit about the Apaches, and doing everything possible that might be offensive to Native Americans. She had an argument with Don Francisco about whether or not she would move to Hollywood and star in a movie about Indians which amused the audience greatly, then confessed her love for him, he tried to kick her off the set for making lewd jokes, the audience booed, and she declared him "el vaquero mas guapo."
10. Some bitch wins five grand. I have no idea how.
11. Don Francisco is gasping for no apparent reason as he interviews a woman whose mother was Dominican and father was Pakistani. Don Francisco jumps to a scene of the Dominicana-Pakistani at work. He gives her some money and her entire family, including distant cousins, appears in the audience and runs out, hugging her and weeping.
12. Don Francisco and this chick who looks like an alien drag hooker trying to impersonate Mariah Carey advertise elastic body shapers called "Molding Up", that suck in unsightly fat bulges. Chick raves about Molding Up, and they encourage women to call and get a perfect body in less than one minute.
13. Don Francisco, wearing a giant feathered hat with a donkey's head on top introduces a guy dressed like an Inquisition torturer at a gay leather bar with a trumpet slung around his shoulders carrying a pitchfork, who runs through the audience pretend-pitchforking delighted women in the head. The Inquisition torturer returns to a medieval set and proceeds to officiate a singing contest. Don Francisco dons a white easter bonnet covered with lace embellished with hearts for this contestant. Then some chick sings and he wears a baseball hat that looks like the Mexican flag. The next contestant sucks, and Don Francisco wears a jester cap. The reason for the Inquisition torturer's trumpet becomes apparent, as he drives the shitty singer from the stage with a resounding blast of that song bands play at college sports events which is generally followed by a communal shout of "CHARGE!".
14. Don Francisco hawks some type of snake oil face cream called Botulex. The chick is claiming that it has the same effects as Botox without a prescription. I sincerely doubt that it degrades SNARE protein SNAP-25 in neurons, thus blocking vesicular transport and preventing the release of neurotransmitters at the synapse, but Don Francisco and the Botulex ho are vigorously endorsing it nonetheless.
15. Some fat chick sings to her husband Miguel. Don Francisco puts on a hat with flowers on it. Apparently the singing contest continues. Don Francisco reveals that the chick who warranted the Mexican hat won. Her prize seems to be a date with some mariachi singer named David.
16. Don Francisco interviews an immigration lawyer in the audience. He provides counsel to a couple trying to sort out their niece's visa problems. He suggests she marry an American immediately. Then he tells another woman who is evading an order for deportation that her problem is very serious, but he applauds her enduring love for her husband and informs her that she won the Fusion.
17. A couple is pulled out of the audience and Don Francisco proceeds to give the guy some type of high pressure, rapid fire timed series of questions. Then he wins money and everyone sings.
18. The crowd is treated to a sad story about some woman whose husband was a 9/11 hero, but who has been in jail for four years because of some paperwork error at INS, and Don Francisco interviews her, her husband, and her lawyer, Don Edward Sapone. The lawyer bitches passionately about immigration policy, the chick cries, and Don Francisco observes that la migra's bureaucracy is slow as shit, highly inefficient, and generally fucked up. Then the lawyer starts talking about blood in an apartment and I'm very confused, because I thought this about immigration. I need to brush up on my Spanish is a serious way.
19. Don Francisco teases the audience by announcing that some dude named Miguel Bose will be on after the commercial, which is for "La Fea mas Bella," a telenovela similar to "Ugly Betty."
20. Miguel Bose appears, talks to Don Francisco about his music and his videos starring some Shakira wannabe chick in a bikini, and drives the women crazy. I have no idea why, because he looks like Donny Deutsch.
22. A group of hoochies dance around pretending to play long trumpets. This ushers in some type of Home Depot-sponsored contest in which singing, dancing, and image consultants judge a mariachi contest. Mariachis are super popular on this show. La profesora del canto is giving serious fuck-me eyes to a male contestant named Zineb who looks like Ray Liotta's bastard Mexican son.
I have to stop now, because I don't think it's a good idea watch that much more of "Sabado Gigante." Don Francisco's Kool-Aid is intoxicating, and this show is like four hours long, and I'm not sure I can survive that. I'm so excited by this craziness that I feel like my head will explode if I watch another second. Gigantic Saturday is about to give me a gigantic coronary. As far as a relaxing night of healthy rest goes for me, I'm starting to think that maybe it would have been more prudent to drink my body's liquid volume in scotch. Impossible is "Sabado Gigante."
Labels: hilarious shit, I LOVE IT, que magnifico, Razzification, ridiculous absurdity, TV
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