Monday, April 30, 2007
Prospective swingers will be disappointed
I was busy cruising the various gossip sites on the web today (after looking up about 9000 hot pics of Sigurd "The Hotness" Hansen on the internet, of course), and came across an ad in the sidebar that completely distracted me from the critique of Victoria Beckham's astoundingly pointy nipples I was reading. The ad must have determined my location based on my parents' computer's IP address, and customized its wares accordingly, which were cheap sex hookups with losers who can only get laid on the internet. I think you'll agree that this ad is most misleading.
I have yet to see a thin, seemingly well-groomed (for a skank advertising an online sex clearinghouse, anyway), corset-wearing, moderately attractive golf slut in Puyallup. Puyallup is full of fat bitches with prominent moose knuckles hanging out of their Wal-Mart stretch pants, spiral perms, and Taco Bell stains on their vintage Unionbay sweatshirts. It's also full of skinny, balding, meth-mouthed hookers with a penchant for double negatives and, despite the lack of a formal education, a talent for performing organic chemistry using Sudafed, anhydrous ammonia, and muriatic acid in a rudimentary lab setup composed of a gas can, funnel, and rusting truck bed of a 1994 Ford Ranger. In other words, while nasty whores abound, I have yet to see any of them who look REMOTELY like the woman in the above photograph.. There was an indie film based on Puyallup called Mulletville, for God's sake! I think that any men hopeful that a membership at Mate1 "Intimate Dating" (again, translation: online loser fucking forum) will yield a specimen like the one above need a serious reality check. If they are too lazy to Google "Puyallup" and examine some of the women's pictures that pop up, let me oblige:
Okay, so this picture MAY be 100 years old, but not much has changed in the way of skin care since then around here. And in fact, the picnic tablecloth-for-a-skirt thing is still going strong out in the more rustic areas.
These heifers are professors at the local community college. I think it's safe to say that when David Lee Roth penned the lyrics to "Hot for Teacher," this is NOT the variety of teacher he had in mind.
This bitch is some sort of anti-meth activist when she's not busy licking snatch, getting her hair cut at Fantastic Sam's, and purchasing horrific ill-fitting shirts with shoulder pads. This is approximately the same style that I was rocking at the age of 12. I bet she's got a hot pair of elastic waistband rayon culottes underneath.
Here's some dumb kid engaged in what is known as "doing the Puyallup." The Puyallup Fair is an annual testament to overpriced rides, scones, onion burgers, the 4H club, and horrific dreamcatchers and airbrush paintings of wolves which masquerade as artwork. The classic Puyallup Fair ads advise locals that they "can do it at a trot, or do it at a gallop, or do it real slow so your heart don't palpitate...just don't be late...DO THE PUYALLUP!" Clearly this kid (who I'm estimating to be 15 based on body mass index but who is probably actually 8 and what appears to be pubescent development is just her fat rolls) ate one too many Earthquake burgers and is now forced to do it real slow so her heart don't palpitate and result in a massive coronary. And yes, I know I'm making fun of a child and that's not very nice, but it's for her own good. Ho needs to drop a pound or twenty.
This woman is concerned that she might drop beneath the mass of a WWII-era Panzer tank and is drinking Sunkist by the 2-liter to ensure that she consumes at least 10,000 calories per day. Her daughter can fit into that edgy Hot Topic shirt that clashes so horribly with her red faux punk hair NOW, but give her a few years and she'll make the ground thunder when she stomps into the South Hill Mall Sam Goody to purchase her next Gym Class Heroes CD.
Did you ever hear that creepy story about the dude whose car breaks down by this farm and the farmer will fix it if he agrees to marry his daughter, and the daughter winds up being dead? Well, feast your eyes on the corpse bride of urban legend, right here in P-town.
Remember when I mentioned that they sell some really fucking ugly dreamcatcher-based artwork at the Puyallup Fair? Meet one of the artists.
Okay, that's my Aunt Jesus. I couldn't resist. You won't meet her on any sex/swinger personals websites, but if you go to a dating website geared toward judgmental neo-conservative fundamentalist Christians, you can probably win her over with some choice commentary in an evolution-bashing forum.
My point has been made. If you want to use Mate1 Intimate Dating to find women in Puyallup, you're much more likely to have Virgie Arthur or Aileen Wuornos's long-lost cousin show up at your door ready to rock your world than Fake Titted Golf Skank up there. Consider yourself warned, horny internet-scouring men of Puyallup.
This woman is concerned that she might drop beneath the mass of a WWII-era Panzer tank and is drinking Sunkist by the 2-liter to ensure that she consumes at least 10,000 calories per day. Her daughter can fit into that edgy Hot Topic shirt that clashes so horribly with her red faux punk hair NOW, but give her a few years and she'll make the ground thunder when she stomps into the South Hill Mall Sam Goody to purchase her next Gym Class Heroes CD.
Did you ever hear that creepy story about the dude whose car breaks down by this farm and the farmer will fix it if he agrees to marry his daughter, and the daughter winds up being dead? Well, feast your eyes on the corpse bride of urban legend, right here in P-town.
Remember when I mentioned that they sell some really fucking ugly dreamcatcher-based artwork at the Puyallup Fair? Meet one of the artists.
Okay, that's my Aunt Jesus. I couldn't resist. You won't meet her on any sex/swinger personals websites, but if you go to a dating website geared toward judgmental neo-conservative fundamentalist Christians, you can probably win her over with some choice commentary in an evolution-bashing forum.
My point has been made. If you want to use Mate1 Intimate Dating to find women in Puyallup, you're much more likely to have Virgie Arthur or Aileen Wuornos's long-lost cousin show up at your door ready to rock your world than Fake Titted Golf Skank up there. Consider yourself warned, horny internet-scouring men of Puyallup.
Labels: fat fucks, oh the horror, P-N-Dub, perversion, PWT, sex, sluts, you're ugly
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Razz-
Your expose on Puyallup/East Pierce women is excellent. I'm a tad bit disappointed, however, that your entry is conspicuously bereft of any mention of Kent, Burien, SeaTac, and my favorite--FW. Perhaps we should go on a femullet hunt this weekend in hopes of inspiring another, more balanced look at the PNW.
Your expose on Puyallup/East Pierce women is excellent. I'm a tad bit disappointed, however, that your entry is conspicuously bereft of any mention of Kent, Burien, SeaTac, and my favorite--FW. Perhaps we should go on a femullet hunt this weekend in hopes of inspiring another, more balanced look at the PNW.
# posted by 
: 5/01/2007 11:40 AM
: 5/01/2007 11:40 AM
Well, I don't. I never go too far. Just far enough.
HotLawyer, let's go hit some REAL CLASSY places for Cinco de Mayo seeking femullets...that Billy McHale's place in Fed-Dub certainly seemed like a winner. I bet they'll have specials on tequila and Corona lights too!
HotLawyer, let's go hit some REAL CLASSY places for Cinco de Mayo seeking femullets...that Billy McHale's place in Fed-Dub certainly seemed like a winner. I bet they'll have specials on tequila and Corona lights too!
That's a really mean thing to do to your aunt. What did she ever do to you to deserve being embarrassed besides show you a little tough love, something that all kids need once and a while. Instead you post private photos of her and mock her for her faith. I feel sorry for you.
# posted by : 5/02/2007 5:12 PM
: 5/02/2007 5:12 PM
"Kids"? I'm 28, dumbass, and that means I'm a GROWN FUCKING WOMAN. The only kind of love my aunt should show me is the not-telling-me-I'm-going-to-hell variety. Granted, she sort of is, because she hasn't spoken to me in over a year. I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus would do, so I can't fault her for that.
And that's not a "private" photo of her either...it's on her website, so unless you are from another planet and consider shit that's posted online for anyone to look at "private", step the fuck off. I don't need your anonymous pity.
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And that's not a "private" photo of her either...it's on her website, so unless you are from another planet and consider shit that's posted online for anyone to look at "private", step the fuck off. I don't need your anonymous pity.
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