Monday, April 30, 2007
Three's company
It appears that 2007 is the year of the threesome for me. I've had threesomes before this, but never so many in such a concentrated period of time. Normally threesomes are like solar eclipses, and I'll go years without having them, but nowadays I seem to participate in one on a quarterly basis. I suppose that part of it is that this year my latent lesbish qualities have emerged in full fingerbanging force (the other day someone referred to me as "bisexual," which I suppose I technically am, although ain't no way I'm having any kind of damn relationship with a girl...too much processing) and I seem to be getting an inordinate amount of pussy. I suppose that's how I end up in a menage a trois in the first place; so much willing pussy is throwing itself in my direction that I have to literally beat it off with a stick. God damn, I am lecherous and depraved, but in a totally awesome way.
Threesomes are an interesting phenomenon, and allow you to make interesting observations about people. To a certain degree, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they fuck, and a threesome adds another dimension. I know some people who are not fond of this. One of my buddies discussed this over IM one time a while ago. I don't remember the conversation verbatim, but it was along these lines:
1. There's always a third wheel. My most recent threesome was this way, and I was the third wheel. Granted, while the action started I was all up in that shit getting equal attention. Later, however, I was jarred from a deep alcoholic slumber by the other two fucking vigorously next to me and not indicating at all that I should join in. Later, when I took off, I gave the dude a hug and a friendly peck on the cheek, but he and the other girl had this long, passionate goodbye kiss. There's always going to be two people who are more interested in each other than the third party, and this is just the way it goes. It didn't bother me to the back-up snatch; the other two had been all over each other all night before heading toward the bedroom, and I was participating just because threesomes are fun. Besides, I am the center of attention on PLENTY of other occasions, so I can swallow my sense of self-adulation for a minute to let my friends get off if they're feeling so inclined. I can see how people with different expectations than myself might feel hurt or left out by this and thus steer clear of hot group action in the future.
2. Nerves. A lot of people get nervous about threesomes, even if they've had lots of casual sex with one person at a time before. Why nerves are a major issue once you're all naked in bed together and, say, getting a blowjob from two chicks simultaneously is beyond me, but it happens. I've seen guys have performance problems in these situations where by all accounts they SHOULD have a raging hard-on, and I attribute that to nerves. Frankly, the first time I had group sex I could barely compose myself enough to even touch the other chick, much less stick a finger in her vadge. However, I chalked it up as a learning experience and was soon muff-diving like an accomplished porn star. Not everyone has my can-do attitude, however, and I can see how this culminates in being put off.
3. Embarrassment. I have a hard time relating to this one, being that I failed guilt class in Catholic school. While sometimes I feel a slight sense of emotional discomfort that people tell me is embarrassment or humiliation, it's usually because I fuck up some useless piece of trivia and might potentially look somewhat stupid. I was mortified, for example, when I confused Bob Uecker ("Mr. Baseball", sportscaster, and dad on "Mr. Belvedere") with Bob Eubanks (former host of "The Newlywed Game") while writing about Tom Berenger and the movie Major League a while back. My ex-boyfriend Benzo called me on it immediately and I was horrified that I had made such a foolish mistake. However, I can talk about how I got shit on the sheets after a particularly forceful anal ramming in a by-the-hour motel in Renton with only a slight sense of abashedness. Not everyone is as comfortable being an unrepentant slut, and sometimes being in a particularly skanky situation, such as a threesome, might embarrass those with a better developed sense of shame than myself. I suppose they might feel like some sort of deviant pervert, and that the sexually repressed, moralistic (ie: lame) members of society might think less of them. I think people shouldn't be worried about the consequence of a nice, relaxing, healthy menage a trois being judgment by a bunch of tightasses, because those people are usually the biggest creeps of them all. If you've ever watched "To Catch a Predator," you know that there's no shortage of sanctimonious ministers, rabbis, and assorted other men of the cloth cruising the internet looking for kids to fuck. What's worse, having sex with a plurality of consenting adults, or soliciting underage girls to let you take their virginity? Don't be embarrassed...having a threesome is wholesome as apple pie compared to online solicitation of child rape.
4. Um....well, I can't really think of anything else that might be wrong with having a threesome. Threesomes rule. As Motherbucker just advised me via instant message, "Threesomes are for winners." I couldn't agree more. Clearly, I am having a winning year.
Threesomes are an interesting phenomenon, and allow you to make interesting observations about people. To a certain degree, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they fuck, and a threesome adds another dimension. I know some people who are not fond of this. One of my buddies discussed this over IM one time a while ago. I don't remember the conversation verbatim, but it was along these lines:
Him: So Razzy, I had my first threesome last weekend.I've never had that "too many parts" dilemma, because I think that problem can be overcome with some creative positioning and a deft application of oral and/or manual work where warranted. However, his position got me thinking. I always figured dudes would be fucking ridiculously thrilled about having sex with two chicks at the same time. Guys often seem to LOVE hearing details about my Sapphic misadventures, so it was strange to me that a dude would find himself in the middle of a hot female sandwich and describe the experience as awkward, unimpressive, and not particularly enjoyable. Since the adjectives I usually select for describing threesomes are "awesome", "asskicking", and "ruling like Genghis Khan", it is somewhat astonishing to me that among the world's population of threesome-having libertines, there are people who characterize it as an uncomfortable and generally unpleasant experience, on par with having a colonoscopy or being urethrally catheterized. I forget that not everyone shares my "the more the merrier", pro-excess attitude about sexuality. I started trying to think about it from the perspective of the anti-threesome contingents, and came up with a short list of things that people might not like about threesomes.
Me: That's my boy...good for you!
Me: With who? Two chicks?
Him: My ex and her new girlfriend
Me: Your ex is a dyke?
Him: She's bi!
Me: Well, clearly. Was it fun?
Him: It was awkward.
Me: Why? Not everyone fully on board?
Him: No, it was physically awkward. Too many parts.
Me: What do you mean, too many parts?
Him: Think about it...there's always someone left out.
Him: All that stuff doesn't fit together very easily. It was just too challenging.
Him: It was unimpressive. Not my favorite thing ever.
1. There's always a third wheel. My most recent threesome was this way, and I was the third wheel. Granted, while the action started I was all up in that shit getting equal attention. Later, however, I was jarred from a deep alcoholic slumber by the other two fucking vigorously next to me and not indicating at all that I should join in. Later, when I took off, I gave the dude a hug and a friendly peck on the cheek, but he and the other girl had this long, passionate goodbye kiss. There's always going to be two people who are more interested in each other than the third party, and this is just the way it goes. It didn't bother me to the back-up snatch; the other two had been all over each other all night before heading toward the bedroom, and I was participating just because threesomes are fun. Besides, I am the center of attention on PLENTY of other occasions, so I can swallow my sense of self-adulation for a minute to let my friends get off if they're feeling so inclined. I can see how people with different expectations than myself might feel hurt or left out by this and thus steer clear of hot group action in the future.
2. Nerves. A lot of people get nervous about threesomes, even if they've had lots of casual sex with one person at a time before. Why nerves are a major issue once you're all naked in bed together and, say, getting a blowjob from two chicks simultaneously is beyond me, but it happens. I've seen guys have performance problems in these situations where by all accounts they SHOULD have a raging hard-on, and I attribute that to nerves. Frankly, the first time I had group sex I could barely compose myself enough to even touch the other chick, much less stick a finger in her vadge. However, I chalked it up as a learning experience and was soon muff-diving like an accomplished porn star. Not everyone has my can-do attitude, however, and I can see how this culminates in being put off.
3. Embarrassment. I have a hard time relating to this one, being that I failed guilt class in Catholic school. While sometimes I feel a slight sense of emotional discomfort that people tell me is embarrassment or humiliation, it's usually because I fuck up some useless piece of trivia and might potentially look somewhat stupid. I was mortified, for example, when I confused Bob Uecker ("Mr. Baseball", sportscaster, and dad on "Mr. Belvedere") with Bob Eubanks (former host of "The Newlywed Game") while writing about Tom Berenger and the movie Major League a while back. My ex-boyfriend Benzo called me on it immediately and I was horrified that I had made such a foolish mistake. However, I can talk about how I got shit on the sheets after a particularly forceful anal ramming in a by-the-hour motel in Renton with only a slight sense of abashedness. Not everyone is as comfortable being an unrepentant slut, and sometimes being in a particularly skanky situation, such as a threesome, might embarrass those with a better developed sense of shame than myself. I suppose they might feel like some sort of deviant pervert, and that the sexually repressed, moralistic (ie: lame) members of society might think less of them. I think people shouldn't be worried about the consequence of a nice, relaxing, healthy menage a trois being judgment by a bunch of tightasses, because those people are usually the biggest creeps of them all. If you've ever watched "To Catch a Predator," you know that there's no shortage of sanctimonious ministers, rabbis, and assorted other men of the cloth cruising the internet looking for kids to fuck. What's worse, having sex with a plurality of consenting adults, or soliciting underage girls to let you take their virginity? Don't be embarrassed...having a threesome is wholesome as apple pie compared to online solicitation of child rape.
4. Um....well, I can't really think of anything else that might be wrong with having a threesome. Threesomes rule. As Motherbucker just advised me via instant message, "Threesomes are for winners." I couldn't agree more. Clearly, I am having a winning year.
Labels: lezbollah, perversion, Razzification, sex, sluts
Comments:
Links to this post:
<< Home
I'm not sure but was your first group sex experience the one with me involved. I can't remember if you said it was your first at the time. Sounds like you have had more than your share since then (1998 I believe). I have only had 1 other 3-some since then. Benzo
# posted by 
: 5/01/2007 12:28 PM
: 5/01/2007 12:28 PM
Yes, Benzo, you popped my group sex cherry. I believe that it occurred on Columbus Day 1999, on Columbus Ave, and you went by the name Bobby Columbus, door-to-door dildo salesman. For that, as well as tolerating dating my ass for three years, you'll always have a special place in my heart. XOXOXO
As will H, for coming up with the idea for the whole thing, and A, for providing all the hot stripper gear. Good times, good times.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
<< Home
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
