Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Amen!
My e-mail blew up today with my friends sending me the quote of the fucking year. As LL Cool Jew simply explained, "Truer words have never been spoken." Indeed not. Of course, the person who said these words is none other than my boyfriend and true love, Chicago's own R&B thug, Mr. Robert Sylvester Kelly:
When asked whether he's concerned that his competition might defeat him for the title of "the R-uh in R&B" and/or "the king of R&B", he confidently replied:
At first I thought this thing was some type of sex toy (and immediately considered buying it), but then realized that it's not anatomically correct in the sense that it just has that generic lump in the crotch instead of a weiner. However, I think every girl who ever played Barbies can attest that proportionally, Kells's package is considerably more sizable than Ken's.
All the gossip sites are acting all bitchy about Robert Sylvester's statement, suggesting that he won't be quite so cocky on trial, but that's because they're all run by gay men and old women. They've never heard Kells sing "The World's Greatest," a song that basically says the same thing, except with more natural metaphors ("I'm that star up in the sky", "I'm a swift wind movin' over the country", "I am a tall tree", "I am a mountain", etc.) If they had given that a listen, they'd know that it is right up there with "the sky is blue" and "grass is green" in the pantheon of undisputably true facts. R. Kelly rules so hard.
I am having a REALLY bad day (I managed to annoy a bevy of people in my personal life--especially my mother who is still pissed about me flashing my tits at the Crab Feed--and am now trying to do damage control, not one but two experiments failed in lab, I'm swamped with work and thus cannot drink my problems away, I'm concerned that Natasha won't win "America's Next Top Model" tonight, my apartment looks like a frat party happened here and is so dirty that even I am disgusted, my season two "Beverly Hills, 90210" DVD delivery is late, Chingy! has diarrhea, and I got my period) so this is exactly what I needed to hear to put the wind back in my sails.
Oooh, Kelly, you make me holla! Keep on jumpin' like an Impala!
(UPDATE: My "Beverly Hills, 90210" DVD just mercifully arrived. Thank Christ! I mean, thank R. Kelly!)
"My greatest competition is, well, me . . . I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now."You hear that, Jamie Foxx? Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up with your arrogant prattle about your superior singing skills, before R-dot reminds you who really is the king of R&B. Only a truly regal figure like Kells can rock a royal all-purple ensemble--complete with gun holster suspenders--with a blinged-up tongue-sticking-out belt buckle right over his--wait, what in the name of God is going on with those pants?! It's like the bastard child of the Pit of Sarlacc and the Purple Pieman. Anyway, you know Martin Luther King would be doing the same if his ass hadn't gotten shot before being iced out came into style. I realized this long ago. Besides, I don't think anyone can dispute this statement, given that Robert Sylvester has inspired a LIFE-SIZE KEN DOLL of himself.
All the gossip sites are acting all bitchy about Robert Sylvester's statement, suggesting that he won't be quite so cocky on trial, but that's because they're all run by gay men and old women. They've never heard Kells sing "The World's Greatest," a song that basically says the same thing, except with more natural metaphors ("I'm that star up in the sky", "I'm a swift wind movin' over the country", "I am a tall tree", "I am a mountain", etc.) If they had given that a listen, they'd know that it is right up there with "the sky is blue" and "grass is green" in the pantheon of undisputably true facts. R. Kelly rules so hard.
I am having a REALLY bad day (I managed to annoy a bevy of people in my personal life--especially my mother who is still pissed about me flashing my tits at the Crab Feed--and am now trying to do damage control, not one but two experiments failed in lab, I'm swamped with work and thus cannot drink my problems away, I'm concerned that Natasha won't win "America's Next Top Model" tonight, my apartment looks like a frat party happened here and is so dirty that even I am disgusted, my season two "Beverly Hills, 90210" DVD delivery is late, Chingy! has diarrhea, and I got my period) so this is exactly what I needed to hear to put the wind back in my sails.
Oooh, Kelly, you make me holla! Keep on jumpin' like an Impala!
(UPDATE: My "Beverly Hills, 90210" DVD just mercifully arrived. Thank Christ! I mean, thank R. Kelly!)
Labels: Bev Niner, boyfriends, hot dudes, I LOVE IT, LL Cool Jew, ridiculous absurdity, Robert Sylvester Kelly, vanity
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This whole king of R & B was all squashed when he sang:
She Be Callin Me Daddy, And I Be Callin Her Mommy
She Be Callin U Kelly, When Yo Name Is Tommy
I Don't Know What Yall Be Thinkin
When U Bring Em Round Me
Let Me Remind U That I Am The King Of R&B
Do U Know What That Means
That Means If U Love Yo Chick
Don't Bring Her To The VIP
Cuz I Might Leave Wit Yo Chick
Even I was impressed...
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She Be Callin Me Daddy, And I Be Callin Her Mommy
She Be Callin U Kelly, When Yo Name Is Tommy
I Don't Know What Yall Be Thinkin
When U Bring Em Round Me
Let Me Remind U That I Am The King Of R&B
Do U Know What That Means
That Means If U Love Yo Chick
Don't Bring Her To The VIP
Cuz I Might Leave Wit Yo Chick
Even I was impressed...
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