Thursday, May 24, 2007
Anyone up for a little hog-dogging?
There has been a great deal of turmoil in the Cool Jew-Bagel household about the recent Michael Vick dog fighting scandal. LL Cool Jew, like me, is a great lover of Canis familiaris, and was appalled when Atlanta Dirrty Birds quarterback Michael Vick was busted for letting his cousins run a dog fighting pit at one of his houses.
We both have voices we use when speaking for our dogs, and she assumed her Dulcinea voice (Dulcinea, AKA "the D", is her long-haired Chihuahua) when explaining it to me: "Ohmahgawd, Antzi, that Michael Vick is a rellay big asshole. I hate those dog pits, they're RELLAY scaray." I responded with a concurrent-sounding "CHONGAY!" and we continued discussing it in the guise of our dogs.
A couple days ago, I noticed a news story about Redskins running back Clinton Portis and tackle Chris Samuels questioning (and giggling about, in Samuels's case) why dog fighting is even a crime. Portis stated:
BigBagel replied with the following e-mail, which managed to cover all bases concerning dog fighting in the Dirrty and incorporate his standard grousing about the New York Giants:
From: BigBagel (bigbagel@pulitzerprizewinningdirrtydirrtynewspaper.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: that michael vick is RELLAY an asshole
laurel, ms, is in the free state of jones county, so named because they voted to secede from the great state of mississippi during reconstruction because they thought state leaders were too "liberal" or wussy or some combination of the two. ll cool jew regularly writes stories from there. and yes, dog fighting is probably quite prevalent there, along with moonshine, pickled pork butt and incest.
in south mississippi, hog-dogging is much more popular than dog fighting. here it is best described by wikipedia:
"In a typical match the hog is released into a pen with one or more dogs who attempt to subdue it. In more violent versions of the sport, specially trained "catch dogs" try to bring down the hog by biting and dragging. Occasionally the dogs are outfitted with chest armor, but major injuries to both animals are common in any case. Hog dogging as a sport developed from the training of specialist boar-hunting dogs."
HOG-DOGGING?!?! I had no idea that there were these sorts of excuses for illegal gambling in the form of interspecies mortal combat going on, but now that I know they do, I'm hardly surprised that it's a favorite form of entertainment in Southern Miss. Hog-dogging sounds like some kind of difficult to achieve, yet gratifying and extremely lowbrow sexual position. For example, if (insert friend's name here) asked me, "Hey, Razzy, was that guy you took home last night any good in bed?", I'd reply, "Yeah, he was dirty! No boring missionary position there; he hog-dogged my ass all night. While we watched Interracial Hog-Dogging 7."
if i were a betting man, i'd say that a) clinton portis had his ass chewed out by team management for flying off the handle like that and b) he meant everything he said.
of course, this is how monsieur portis likes to appear during press conferences.
http://www.clintonportis.com/characters.html
my personal favorite is "Angel of Southeast Jerome."
he has numerous "characters" that change throughout the season. that has done nothing to improve the redskins record, though, as the giants, even under the stewardship of FAS Manning [RAZZY EDIT: FAS=fetal alcohol syndrome], have done better every year portis has been a hog save last year.
As a woman who spends four months a year obsessing over the NFL season, and the remaining eight months obsessively counting days until the NFL season will start, I am well acquainted with Clinton Portis's schizophrenic press conference antics. My personal favorite Clinton Portis personality is Sheriff Gonna Getcha, although Kid Bro Sweets, Dr. I Don't Know, and Dolla Bill (L to R) also have their debonair charm:
BigBagel is absolutely right about him, and anyone who drafted him for their fantasy team in recent seasons can attest to that. Clearly he's spending too much time at Ricky's shopping for wigs and novelty sunglasses and acting as an apologist for animal cruelty, and not nearly enough time trying to figure how to get the ball into the end zone without sustaining some type of bullshit injury. Or maybe his mind is on hog-dogging more than his multi-million dollar NFL contract.
[RAZZY NOTE: My apologies for continuing to let my friends write most of my blog via e-mails they send to me. Since I've spent the past couple days working my fucking tits off and nobody wants to hear about that, I can't really think about anything to write about besides the funny correspondence my friends send me. My inner monologue currently is a litany of "fuck grad school", "fuck rhinovirus 1A", "fuck mice", "fuck PCR", "fuck cloning", "fuck 293T cells", "fuck lentiviruses", "fuck the flow cytometer", "fuck human intercellular adhesion molecule-1", "fuck dendritic cells", and "fuck I want some alcohol." In fact, the only reason I have time to write anything at all is because I'm spending an hour glued to the flow cytometer (or FACS, as it's colloquially known--"FACS" is to "flow cytometer" what "Band-Aid" is to "adhesive bandage") waiting for my cells to run through it. Although this instrument has the Arthurian-sounding name of "FACSCalibur" it's not remotely as thrilling as pulling a sword from a stone, questing for the Holy Grail, or bringing mad drama because your slutbag of a wife is banging Lancelot. Therefore, I can covertly blog in between acquiring data, but I can't focus all my attention on creating premium useless bullshit. So I'm sure I'll think of something more exciting to discuss in the next couple days, but for now this will have to do.]
We both have voices we use when speaking for our dogs, and she assumed her Dulcinea voice (Dulcinea, AKA "the D", is her long-haired Chihuahua) when explaining it to me: "Ohmahgawd, Antzi, that Michael Vick is a rellay big asshole. I hate those dog pits, they're RELLAY scaray." I responded with a concurrent-sounding "CHONGAY!" and we continued discussing it in the guise of our dogs.
A couple days ago, I noticed a news story about Redskins running back Clinton Portis and tackle Chris Samuels questioning (and giggling about, in Samuels's case) why dog fighting is even a crime. Portis stated:
"I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not," Portis said. "But it's his property; it's his dogs. If that's what he wants to do, do it."I e-mailed the story to them, along with a query about the location of Laurel, MS and whether or not either had witnessed the alleged prevalence of dog fighting there.
Portis said dog fighting is a "prevalent" part of life.
Portis, a native of Laurel, Mississippi, added: "I know a lot of back roads that got a dog fight if you want to go see it. But they're not bothering those people because those people are not big names. I'm sure there's some police got some dogs that are fighting them, some judges got dogs and everything else."
BigBagel replied with the following e-mail, which managed to cover all bases concerning dog fighting in the Dirrty and incorporate his standard grousing about the New York Giants:
From: BigBagel (bigbagel@pulitzerprizewinningdirrtydirrtynewspaper.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: that michael vick is RELLAY an asshole
laurel, ms, is in the free state of jones county, so named because they voted to secede from the great state of mississippi during reconstruction because they thought state leaders were too "liberal" or wussy or some combination of the two. ll cool jew regularly writes stories from there. and yes, dog fighting is probably quite prevalent there, along with moonshine, pickled pork butt and incest.
in south mississippi, hog-dogging is much more popular than dog fighting. here it is best described by wikipedia:
"In a typical match the hog is released into a pen with one or more dogs who attempt to subdue it. In more violent versions of the sport, specially trained "catch dogs" try to bring down the hog by biting and dragging. Occasionally the dogs are outfitted with chest armor, but major injuries to both animals are common in any case. Hog dogging as a sport developed from the training of specialist boar-hunting dogs."
HOG-DOGGING?!?! I had no idea that there were these sorts of excuses for illegal gambling in the form of interspecies mortal combat going on, but now that I know they do, I'm hardly surprised that it's a favorite form of entertainment in Southern Miss. Hog-dogging sounds like some kind of difficult to achieve, yet gratifying and extremely lowbrow sexual position. For example, if (insert friend's name here) asked me, "Hey, Razzy, was that guy you took home last night any good in bed?", I'd reply, "Yeah, he was dirty! No boring missionary position there; he hog-dogged my ass all night. While we watched Interracial Hog-Dogging 7."
if i were a betting man, i'd say that a) clinton portis had his ass chewed out by team management for flying off the handle like that and b) he meant everything he said.
of course, this is how monsieur portis likes to appear during press conferences.
http://www.clintonportis.com/characters.html
my personal favorite is "Angel of Southeast Jerome."
he has numerous "characters" that change throughout the season. that has done nothing to improve the redskins record, though, as the giants, even under the stewardship of FAS Manning [RAZZY EDIT: FAS=fetal alcohol syndrome], have done better every year portis has been a hog save last year.
As a woman who spends four months a year obsessing over the NFL season, and the remaining eight months obsessively counting days until the NFL season will start, I am well acquainted with Clinton Portis's schizophrenic press conference antics. My personal favorite Clinton Portis personality is Sheriff Gonna Getcha, although Kid Bro Sweets, Dr. I Don't Know, and Dolla Bill (L to R) also have their debonair charm:
[RAZZY NOTE: My apologies for continuing to let my friends write most of my blog via e-mails they send to me. Since I've spent the past couple days working my fucking tits off and nobody wants to hear about that, I can't really think about anything to write about besides the funny correspondence my friends send me. My inner monologue currently is a litany of "fuck grad school", "fuck rhinovirus 1A", "fuck mice", "fuck PCR", "fuck cloning", "fuck 293T cells", "fuck lentiviruses", "fuck the flow cytometer", "fuck human intercellular adhesion molecule-1", "fuck dendritic cells", and "fuck I want some alcohol." In fact, the only reason I have time to write anything at all is because I'm spending an hour glued to the flow cytometer (or FACS, as it's colloquially known--"FACS" is to "flow cytometer" what "Band-Aid" is to "adhesive bandage") waiting for my cells to run through it. Although this instrument has the Arthurian-sounding name of "FACSCalibur" it's not remotely as thrilling as pulling a sword from a stone, questing for the Holy Grail, or bringing mad drama because your slutbag of a wife is banging Lancelot. Therefore, I can covertly blog in between acquiring data, but I can't focus all my attention on creating premium useless bullshit. So I'm sure I'll think of something more exciting to discuss in the next couple days, but for now this will have to do.]
Labels: assholes, BigBagel, correspondence, crime and punishment, Dirrty Dirrty, doggity style, NFL football, the D
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