Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Catching crabs
The Crab Feed, a fundraiser for my high school which is the reason for my trip back to the P-N-Dub every April, was a smashing success. For one thing, my parents and all their old friends were unable to attend, so it was a kids-only Crab Feed (by "kids" I mean everyone was aged 25-30). HotLawyer instructed me to pose for some pictures, so naturally I obliged with my favorite standard pose, what is otherwise known as the "descending Girl Gone Wild" (the "ascending" version of this pose is when you lift your shirt up, as opposed to pulling the neck down):
(Ignore the scary face I'm making...it really gives it that whole "Jay Leno's chin" feel, which may not exactly embody the epitome of hotness, but at least my tits distract from the neck-up horror) Unfortunately, it seems that flashing your breasts in a high school gymnasium in front of your former Honors American Lit teacher and your parents' friends at another table is not encouraged. After posing for several similar photographs, the off-duty but still uniformed Tacoma police officer on hand to keep minors out came and stood menacingly at the end of our table. I can almost hear him saying, "Go on, honey, show your tits again...I haven't thrown anyone at the crab feed in the pokey for fifteen years and I'm itching to lay the smackdown on some drunken alum supporting the Bellarmine Boosters athletic fund." My brother Lil' Tevie probably would have put the handcuffs on me and tossed me into the backseat of the Crown Vic himself, he was so mortified by my behavior. I could see him at the other end of the table looking determinedly in the other direction.
The truth is that it was all a cleverly orchestrated scheme to take pictures of my cans juxtaposed with some crab legs, so that I can send them on to the broiling inferno of sexiness that is Sig Hansen and the crew of the F/V Northwestern. This is why they risk the terrors of the swiftly moving (and DEADLY) Bering Sea Arctic ice pack during Opie season: so drunk bitches can incorporate them into seductive titty shots for their websites devoted to useless bullshit. Oh, and because they're pretty delicious, too.
I hope that next year my parents and all their friends have some wedding or something to go to on Crab Feed weekend, because I think I need to be encouraging talk about my arreolas for many crab feeds to come. And Sig...that could be you with the great view and the crab cracker on your nose! Especially because I'm in the Seattle area right now, so it would be easy to meet if you're not currently in Dutch Harbor, Alaska! Holler at your girl if you too would like to stroke my bosom with your snow crab legs: razzy@razzy.org!
(Ignore the scary face I'm making...it really gives it that whole "Jay Leno's chin" feel, which may not exactly embody the epitome of hotness, but at least my tits distract from the neck-up horror) Unfortunately, it seems that flashing your breasts in a high school gymnasium in front of your former Honors American Lit teacher and your parents' friends at another table is not encouraged. After posing for several similar photographs, the off-duty but still uniformed Tacoma police officer on hand to keep minors out came and stood menacingly at the end of our table. I can almost hear him saying, "Go on, honey, show your tits again...I haven't thrown anyone at the crab feed in the pokey for fifteen years and I'm itching to lay the smackdown on some drunken alum supporting the Bellarmine Boosters athletic fund." My brother Lil' Tevie probably would have put the handcuffs on me and tossed me into the backseat of the Crown Vic himself, he was so mortified by my behavior. I could see him at the other end of the table looking determinedly in the other direction.
The truth is that it was all a cleverly orchestrated scheme to take pictures of my cans juxtaposed with some crab legs, so that I can send them on to the broiling inferno of sexiness that is Sig Hansen and the crew of the F/V Northwestern. This is why they risk the terrors of the swiftly moving (and DEADLY) Bering Sea Arctic ice pack during Opie season: so drunk bitches can incorporate them into seductive titty shots for their websites devoted to useless bullshit. Oh, and because they're pretty delicious, too.
I hope that next year my parents and all their friends have some wedding or something to go to on Crab Feed weekend, because I think I need to be encouraging talk about my arreolas for many crab feeds to come. And Sig...that could be you with the great view and the crab cracker on your nose! Especially because I'm in the Seattle area right now, so it would be easy to meet if you're not currently in Dutch Harbor, Alaska! Holler at your girl if you too would like to stroke my bosom with your snow crab legs: razzy@razzy.org!Labels: Deadliest Catch, hot chicks, HotLawyer, nudity, overcompensation, P-N-Dub, Razzification
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