Tuesday, May 22, 2007
From the Smith College vault: Razzy makes a vegan cry
LL Cool Jew was sending me all kinds of awesome news yesterday, like the fact that my hero Senator John McCain said of racist asshole Mitt Romney's fluctuating position on immigration issues, "maybe his solution will be to get out his small varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn." Priceless. Anyway, she also sent me this e-mail:
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtynewspaper.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: awesome
Another win for the omnivores!! I thought you as a scientist would
especially like this. Face it – vegetables are inferior! Take that
Smith College!
Attached was this article:
My sophomore year at Smith, I was loading up on waffles and bacon in the dining room on one of my favorite Smith dining nights: breakfast for dinner. Smith's unique housing arrangement, like sororities without pledging, included the "perk" of family style dining, something you don't get at other snotty liberal arts colleges. This was definitely more a curse than a blessing, though, because Jordan House, where I lived, was assigned an absolutely horrible cook. He was also extremely sensitive to criticism, and once didn't speak to me for a week when I advised him that I never wanted to see him attempt General Tso's chicken ever again. Breakfast for dinner was one of the few meals he could do right, and as usual, I ate for a week, knowing that the food would not be this good again for some time.
I ended up sitting at my usual table, and there was this first year that one of my housemates had made friends with sitting with us. I barely knew her, but already had decided to dislike her. Immediately upon arrival she'd dyed her hair fuschia, and was really loud (even louder than me, but unlike me, she was not funny or interesting, and thus had nothing by which to redeem her booming voice). Furthermore, her name was Stephanie, but she went by Sassy. Sassy Spray, as a matter of fact. While that name would be good for a porn star or perhaps a hair styling product, on a wide-eyed Smith first year it served just to annoy me for being a stupid name. I found her MySpace, and although it's set to private, it looks like she still lives in Assachusetts all these years after Smith. I bet she still lives in Northampton...LOSER!

Sassy, like many other Smith first years, was super enthusiastic about having just discovered her sense of vocal self-righteousness. Thus, she did a lot of boobmashing with the other LUGs (lesbian until graduation), chalking anti-World Bank and/or Free Mumia statements around campus, and attending panel teach-ins about the women of Afghanistan suffering under Taliban rule, but her favorite cause was veganism. Veganism always manages to work me up into a frenzy of rage because, in addition to being completely contraindicated from a biological standpoint as discussed in the Times article above, vegans are always disagreeable, grouchy assholes. I suspect that they're always so crabby because they're starving all the time. I'd encourage them to eat, but if they wasted away to nothing that's fewer idiots on the planet and everybody wins, so I just fight with them.
Anyway, Sassy was going off about how there was nothing for her to eat on breakfast for dinner night as even the vegetarian options were rife with eggs and dairy, and as I proceeded to tear my way through a pound of bacon, she was glaring at my meal with contempt and disgust. She switched from bitching about only eating corn flakes and soymilk to passive-aggressive anti-meat bullying. Ho didn't know who she was fucking with.
"I just feel so strongly for the animals," she said. "They have thoughts and feelings, and it's just not right to degrade them by manufacturing them and treating them as food. That slice of bacon was a living being at one time. I don't eat anything derived from the abuse of animals. A cheeseburger used to have a face, and I can't eat that in good conscience." Sassy eyed me beadily across the table as her friend, this girl in my year who was also vegan, looked on approvingly.
I popped another piece of bacon in my mouth. "Well, that's all well and good for you," I said. "But I love meat. I'm never going to stop eating meat. Slaughter the fucking cows!"
To my shock, Sassy's eyes began to fill with big crocodile tears. She let out a loud, choked sob and fled the table. Everyone around me was staring at me accusingly, like, "Way to go, Razzy, you asshole, you made her cry." One of my friends started pestering me to go apologize to her. I refused. Why should I apologize for stating my love for meat when she can off about veganism for hours? I find that as equally abhorrent as she found my pro-carnivorous stance. Finally, after the entire table turned against me and demanded that I go at least make sure "she was okay," as though I had scarred the dumb bitch for life, I wandered into the kitchen.
Sassy was bawling like a colicky baby to Sally, the dishwasher/food runner. Sally was a frightening woman, and she cornered me and demanded that I do something about Sassy's emotional distress. I said I was sorry that she took what I said so personally. It wasn't a real or sincere apology, and it shut everyone up who was demanding that I apologize, so I was okay with it. However, the whole incident was one of those Smith College moments of clarity, where you look around with a suddenly new perspective and say, "What the hell kind of crazy shitshow did I choose for college?"
That summer, I attended a family reunion, and wound up telling this story to one of my cousins, who is an avid hunter, card-carrying NRA man, and staunch Republican. He's also funny as hell and only about ten years older than me, so we have a good time deriding the world when we get together. I was telling him this story, knowing that unlike the ladies at Smith, he would praise me for it. He also had some sage wisdom and extremely awesome gifts for me.
"What you need," he advised, taking a swig of his beer. "Is something to keep those morons away. I suggest taxidermy."
"I don't have any taxidermy. You know how my dad is...he doesn't like hunting, so I don't know where I'd get any."
"Hell, I'll take you hunting if you want to go. But if you don't have time I'll just give you a head for your wall."
"What?! You'd part with one of your heads for my wall?"
"Sure, ever since I shot that cougar I haven't had enough wall space, and the old lady won't let me take down any paintings. Want it?"
"Hell yes!"
"Great. I'm telling you, hang it up and it will keep the vegans way in the hell away from you."
I picked up the deer head later that summer. As it turns out, it was the first deer he ever shot (I think he gave it away because it's only a six-pointer, which is pretty pussified as a trophy), and he gave me its pelt along with the head. The pelt has served me well as an accessory to various Halloween costumes I've worn over the years, including as a Viking cape and as a dress when I went as a caveman my first Halloween in NYC, where it nearly fell off and where I ended up making out with KatieScarlett and beating a guy with a stick at Avalon when he tried to grab me by my hair, early man-style. That pelt has seen some crazy times. The head, meanwhile, did its job. Sassy Spray moved out of our house and never bothered me again, and the vegans stayed well away from my animal murder decor. The head and pelt both have places of honor on my wall to this day. Take that, Smith College!
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtynewspaper.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: awesome
Another win for the omnivores!! I thought you as a scientist would
especially like this. Face it – vegetables are inferior! Take that
Smith College!
Attached was this article:
The New York TimesAs a scientist, I definitely appreciated this article for saying what I've said for a long time: veganism is unnatural. I especially liked the whole "Take that, Smith College!" quip LL Cool Jew threw in at the end. This reminded me of my ongoing battle with the vegans back in my Smith days.
May 21, 2007
Death by Veganism
By Nina Planck.
WHEN Crown Shakur died of starvation, he was 6 weeks old and weighed 3.5 pounds. His vegan parents, who fed him mainly soy milk and apple juice, were convicted in Atlanta recently of murder, involuntary manslaughter and cruelty. This particular calamity -- at least the third such conviction of vegan parents in four years -- may be largely due to ignorance. But it should prompt frank discussion about nutrition. I was once a vegan. But well before I became pregnant, I concluded that a vegan pregnancy was irresponsible. You cannot create and nourish a robust baby merely on foods from plants. Indigenous cuisines offer clues about what humans, naturally omnivorous, need to survive, reproduce and grow: traditional vegetarian diets, as in India, invariably include dairy and eggs for complete protein, essential fats and vitamins. There are no vegan societies for a simple reason: a vegan diet is not adequate in the long run.
Protein deficiency is one danger of a vegan diet for babies. Nutritionists used to speak of proteins as ''first class'' (from meat, fish, eggs and milk) and ''second class'' (from plants), but today this is considered denigrating to vegetarians. The fact remains, though, that humans prefer animal proteins and fats to cereals and tubers, because they contain all the essential amino acids needed for life in the right ratio. This is not true of plant proteins, which are inferior in quantity and quality -- even soy.
A vegan diet may lack vitamin B12, found only in animal foods; usable vitamins A and D, found in meat, fish, eggs and butter; and necessary minerals like calcium and zinc. When babies are deprived of all these nutrients, they will suffer from retarded growth, rickets and nerve damage.
Responsible vegan parents know that breast milk is ideal. It contains many necessary components, including cholesterol (which babies use to make nerve cells) and countless immune and growth factors. When breastfeeding isn't possible, soy milk and fruit juice, even in seemingly sufficient quantities, are not safe substitutes for a quality infant formula.
Yet even a breast-fed baby is at risk. Studies show that vegan breast milk lacks enough docosahexaenoic acid, or DHA, the omega-3 fat found in fatty fish. It is difficult to overstate the importance of DHA, vital as it is for eye and brain development.
A vegan diet is equally dangerous for weaned babies and toddlers, who need plenty of protein and calcium. Too often, vegans turn to soy, which actually inhibits growth and reduces absorption of protein and minerals. That's why health officials in Britain, Canada and other countries express caution about soy for babies. (Not here, though --perhaps because our farm policy is so soy-friendly.)
Historically, diet honored tradition: we ate the foods that our mothers, and their mothers, ate. Now, your neighbor or sibling may be a meat-eater or vegetarian, may ferment his foods or eat them raw. This fragmentation of the American menu reflects admirable diversity and tolerance, but food is more important than fashion. Though it's not politically correct to say so, all diets are not created equal. An adult who was well-nourished in utero and in infancy may choose to get by on a vegan diet, but babies are built from protein, calcium, cholesterol and fish oil. Children fed only plants will not get the precious things they need to live and grow.
My sophomore year at Smith, I was loading up on waffles and bacon in the dining room on one of my favorite Smith dining nights: breakfast for dinner. Smith's unique housing arrangement, like sororities without pledging, included the "perk" of family style dining, something you don't get at other snotty liberal arts colleges. This was definitely more a curse than a blessing, though, because Jordan House, where I lived, was assigned an absolutely horrible cook. He was also extremely sensitive to criticism, and once didn't speak to me for a week when I advised him that I never wanted to see him attempt General Tso's chicken ever again. Breakfast for dinner was one of the few meals he could do right, and as usual, I ate for a week, knowing that the food would not be this good again for some time.
I ended up sitting at my usual table, and there was this first year that one of my housemates had made friends with sitting with us. I barely knew her, but already had decided to dislike her. Immediately upon arrival she'd dyed her hair fuschia, and was really loud (even louder than me, but unlike me, she was not funny or interesting, and thus had nothing by which to redeem her booming voice). Furthermore, her name was Stephanie, but she went by Sassy. Sassy Spray, as a matter of fact. While that name would be good for a porn star or perhaps a hair styling product, on a wide-eyed Smith first year it served just to annoy me for being a stupid name. I found her MySpace, and although it's set to private, it looks like she still lives in Assachusetts all these years after Smith. I bet she still lives in Northampton...LOSER!

Anyway, Sassy was going off about how there was nothing for her to eat on breakfast for dinner night as even the vegetarian options were rife with eggs and dairy, and as I proceeded to tear my way through a pound of bacon, she was glaring at my meal with contempt and disgust. She switched from bitching about only eating corn flakes and soymilk to passive-aggressive anti-meat bullying. Ho didn't know who she was fucking with.
"I just feel so strongly for the animals," she said. "They have thoughts and feelings, and it's just not right to degrade them by manufacturing them and treating them as food. That slice of bacon was a living being at one time. I don't eat anything derived from the abuse of animals. A cheeseburger used to have a face, and I can't eat that in good conscience." Sassy eyed me beadily across the table as her friend, this girl in my year who was also vegan, looked on approvingly.
I popped another piece of bacon in my mouth. "Well, that's all well and good for you," I said. "But I love meat. I'm never going to stop eating meat. Slaughter the fucking cows!"
To my shock, Sassy's eyes began to fill with big crocodile tears. She let out a loud, choked sob and fled the table. Everyone around me was staring at me accusingly, like, "Way to go, Razzy, you asshole, you made her cry." One of my friends started pestering me to go apologize to her. I refused. Why should I apologize for stating my love for meat when she can off about veganism for hours? I find that as equally abhorrent as she found my pro-carnivorous stance. Finally, after the entire table turned against me and demanded that I go at least make sure "she was okay," as though I had scarred the dumb bitch for life, I wandered into the kitchen.
Sassy was bawling like a colicky baby to Sally, the dishwasher/food runner. Sally was a frightening woman, and she cornered me and demanded that I do something about Sassy's emotional distress. I said I was sorry that she took what I said so personally. It wasn't a real or sincere apology, and it shut everyone up who was demanding that I apologize, so I was okay with it. However, the whole incident was one of those Smith College moments of clarity, where you look around with a suddenly new perspective and say, "What the hell kind of crazy shitshow did I choose for college?"
That summer, I attended a family reunion, and wound up telling this story to one of my cousins, who is an avid hunter, card-carrying NRA man, and staunch Republican. He's also funny as hell and only about ten years older than me, so we have a good time deriding the world when we get together. I was telling him this story, knowing that unlike the ladies at Smith, he would praise me for it. He also had some sage wisdom and extremely awesome gifts for me.
"What you need," he advised, taking a swig of his beer. "Is something to keep those morons away. I suggest taxidermy."
"I don't have any taxidermy. You know how my dad is...he doesn't like hunting, so I don't know where I'd get any."
"Hell, I'll take you hunting if you want to go. But if you don't have time I'll just give you a head for your wall."
"What?! You'd part with one of your heads for my wall?"
"Sure, ever since I shot that cougar I haven't had enough wall space, and the old lady won't let me take down any paintings. Want it?"
"Hell yes!"
"Great. I'm telling you, hang it up and it will keep the vegans way in the hell away from you."
I picked up the deer head later that summer. As it turns out, it was the first deer he ever shot (I think he gave it away because it's only a six-pointer, which is pretty pussified as a trophy), and he gave me its pelt along with the head. The pelt has served me well as an accessory to various Halloween costumes I've worn over the years, including as a Viking cape and as a dress when I went as a caveman my first Halloween in NYC, where it nearly fell off and where I ended up making out with KatieScarlett and beating a guy with a stick at Avalon when he tried to grab me by my hair, early man-style. That pelt has seen some crazy times. The head, meanwhile, did its job. Sassy Spray moved out of our house and never bothered me again, and the vegans stayed well away from my animal murder decor. The head and pelt both have places of honor on my wall to this day. Take that, Smith College!
Labels: defiance, Dumb Smith bitches, LL Cool Jew, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, sexy delicious animals, Smith College Vault
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Nothing like a good old feud between a racist asshole ( Mitt Romney) and an opportunistic,full-of-shit, not so straight talk express asshole ( you know who). Hey John McCain, maybe when you are done trumpeting the immigration bill that probably won't make it through congress anyway. You can start explaing your brilliant troop surge strategy to the members of the military that are now on their third and fourth periods of duty. Maybe you can give a straight answer ( remember when McCain was good at that) to the question of defining "victory" in Iraq. Wait! Maybe there would be enough actual money in our National Budget to fund your immigration bill and increase border security if we were not busy flushing it down a sunni/shite toilet. I can't wait for both these douchebags to be totally marginalized around oh 11/04/08. Benzo .....but I do live for a good steak!
Oh, Benzo, I knew you'd come out of the woodwork to spread your patented brand of anti-McCain vitriol. Bless your bleeding heart.
Hey if you are really into "maverick" libertarian politicians. Then you should probably look into republican presidential canidate Ron Paul. I don't agree with Ron Paul on a lot of issues but unlike McCain he is the real deal. He stands up for what he truly believes in, votes with his values in Congress, and does not pander to Pat Robertson to gain votes. He is also not a moron who spouts forth bullshit, tough-sounding, party-line talkingpoints in a debate. I would not vote for Ron Paul but I could resect someone that did. I used to feel some of this for McCain but he has become such a typical politician since Karl Rove and George Bush push-polled him to defeat in 2000. He is now part of a neo-con cabal of douchebags that fellow moron Rudy Guiliani seems eager to join. Guiliani is concerned that we will return to a "pre-9/11 " foreign policy. Yea pre-9/11, when you were a mayor with an approval rating around 36%, I'd be concerned too. Benzo
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