RazzyBlog

I received the following e-mail today, which is the most bullshit sales pitch I've ever heard in my life:

From: SSG Irma Coronado (IRMA.CORONADO@USAREC.ARMY.MIL)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: The U.S. Army has a place for you

Dear Angela,

As your local Army Recruiter, I'd like to tell you about the many opportunities the Army has to offer students like yourself. Whether you know the path you want to take after college or are still deciding, the Army has many opportunities to suit your needs.

Army Reserve
As a Soldier in the Army Reserve, you can train near home and be ready to serve full time when needed. As a Soldier in the Army Reserve, you may qualify for:

• An enlistment bonus of up to $20,000
• More than $23,000 in education benefits through the Montgomery GI Bill with the Army Reserve "Kicker"
• Up to $20,000 to pay off your federally insured student loans through the Army Loan Repayment Program
• An extra paycheck every month

Active Duty
If you're close to graduating or are simply thinking about giving college a break, you may want to consider serving full time on Active Duty. As a Soldier in the U.S. Army, you may qualify for:

• An enlistment bonus of up to $40,000
• An option to enlist for as little as 15 months plus training time
• Up to $71,000 in college education benefits through The Army College Fund and Montgomery GI Bill
• Up to $65,000 to pay off federally insured student loans through the Army Loan Repayment Program
• Up to 100% tuition assistance for classes taken while serving

As an active duty Soldier, you will be entitled to 30 days paid vacation a year, medical and dental coverage, access to superb recreation facilities, and low-cost shopping in post stores. You may also have an opportunity to request a specific duty assignment.

Of course, the benefits of joining the U.S. Army go beyond just the monetary. In addition to becoming a stronger individual as you gain new training and experiences, you'll also feel a sense of accomplishment, experience true camaraderie and teamwork, and develop discipline and leadership skills that today's employers value.

If you'd like to learn more about opportunities the U.S. Army and Army Reserve offer, contact me.

You can also send for info at www.goarmy.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely: SSG Irma Coronado
ARMY STRONG!

My initial response was "Bitch, is you crazy?!" How did the Army get hold of my e-mail address?! I'm guessing that Columbia's bitch-ass sold it to them without mentioning that not only did I already finish "college," I'm tits-deep in grad school which is FREE. Well, free in the sense that I don't have to pay and my department does. That's the "benefit" of pursuing a Ph.D.: tuition coverage is what we get in exchange for six years of indentured servitude. At least in grad school I don't have to dodge IED's being hurled at me by angry insurgents who see me as an unwanted occupying force.

I'm a little shocked by the Army's marketing language. They make it sound like working in the Army is along the lines of working for an investment bank or something, with all those bonuses and whatnot. Too bad a bunch of it is STRAIGHT LIES, like the part where you can enlist for as little as 15 months. I guess it doesn't sell as well if they include the line "until the President decides to extend your tour in Baghdad by a year." And I bet you can only "request a specific duty assignment" so long as that assignment involves going to fucking Iraq as cannon fodder.

Ultimately, I was all fired up, but it's not SSG Irma Coronado's fault. However, she should know that I'm not Army material so she will cease her unwanted correspondence, and I replied with this e-mail:

To: Staff Sergeant Irma Coronado (IRMA.CORONADO@USAREC.ARMY.MIL)
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)

Dear Sergeant Coronado,

I was most confused upon receiving this e-mail, as I have never expressed any interest in joining the armed forces. Well, okay, when I was a sophomore in high school I thought for two seconds about going to West Point so that I could get free college tuition, but that all went out the window when I realized that spartan accommodations were mandated in the dorms and I couldn't hang up posters of Courtney Love in my room (don't laugh, it was 1994). It's a good thing I didn't, because when I was an undergrad at Smith, cadets from West Point used to come to our parties all the time and talk about some socially and sexually repressed dudes! Since passing on West Point on the basis of wanting my Hole poster handy, I'm afraid that I have not once considered a career in the U.S. Army, nor has the Army considered me a malleable subject upon which to bestow "Army strength."

For one thing, I am often very resistant to discipline and have a tendency to question everything, particularly authority, and particularly the military policies of its current commander-in-chief. Since taking orders is a requisite part of military life, I think I might run into problems there.

Also, I have a hard time keeping my own secrets, so I'm just going to come right out and say that I fuck girls sometimes, which I believe is against the Army's long-standing "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Granted, I'm not sure if that policy applies only to strict lesbians and not to licentious bisexuals like myself, but somehow I feel that my bedroom activities might also be frowned upon.

Finally, the biggest issue I have with a career in the Army is having to go to Iraq. While I have always wanted to see the Middle East, even after I found out the Holy Grail isn't actually at Petra like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade led me to believe, getting blown up by a RPG in Fallujah is not my idea of a party. Furthermore, since I didn't agree with going to war in Iraq in the first place, I will hardly have a patriotic attitude about being there and I doubt you want a hater like me bringing down everyone's morale when it comes to "fighting terror" or "winning freedom" or whatever your folks' PR department is calling it these days.

Don't get me wrong, Sergeant, because I'm proud that we have brave soldiers like you to fight for our country and I thank you wholeheartedly for your service and sacrifice. I think that you guys have gotten the short end of the stick in terms of being taken care of by the government which called you to make these sacrifices in the first place. However, I'm afraid that I'll have to do my freedom fighting on the homefront. As sick and tired of graduate school as I am, two more years of slaving away in the lab sounds like a luxury cruise along the French riviera compared to ducking suicide bombs in the green zone.

Thank you for your interest, but regrettably I must decline your offer of Army Strength.

Best wishes,
Razzy

Hopefully that will stem the tide of the Army's efforts to lure me into the fold, and allow me to continue padding my academic pedigree and being an elitist snob, or what I like to call, "Ivy League Strong." Hoo-rah, or whatever.

Labels: correspondence, intentional buffoonery, oh the horror, Razzification, ridiculous absurdity