Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Magicians should do what they do best and DISAPPEAR
I just saw an ad for "Criss Angel: Mindfreak" and almost tried to beat up my television. I can't stand magicians. Magicians are a bunch of douchebag charlatans who do shit that I have ZERO interest in watching. Criss Angel spends most of his time hovering around like some sort of low-budget demon from a White Zombie video, and occasionally make something disappear. This episode, he's running some dipshit with overfrosted skater hair over with a steamroller, while the dipshit screams bloody murder. If the dipshit were crushed into a puddle of sun-kissed shaggy bangs, Hot Topic pre-edgily cut-and-safety-pinned Ramones shirt, and stray Anarchy patches, I would watch this show and cheer. However, in the nick of time, Criss Angel swoops in like a lugubrious guardian angel from the roof of the Luxor or whatever and perpetrates some Dark Magick goth quackery. Suddenly the dipshit is fine, out from under the steamroller, laughing in amazement, and recommending the experience to everyone. The only way I'd watch this version is if Criss Angel explained his methods for pulling off this illusionist stunt. However, since magicians never reveal their secrets, that's not going to happen, so what the hell is the point of watching it AT ALL?
Apparently some people enjoy seeing unbelievable sights without questioning how exactly they were generated, as evidenced by the number of people who always line up to see David Blaine's bitch ass. He pulls a lot of his magical stunts (AKA stupid physically impressive shit that most people wouldn't bother to do because it's POINTLESS) in New York, and everytime he's around, you want to know where so you can avoid that part of town. There's always thousands of people just itching to see him suspended over Times Square or swimming around in a giant breast implant in front of Lincoln Center. The only "magic" in this man's arsenal is his seemingly inordinate capacity for voluntarily urethral catheterization. However, there are obviously a lot of people who can't get enough of his accessible yet macabre demeanor. Unfortunately for me and my stress level, magician futures are looking up.
Because of the consumer demand for intolerable bullshit, there's actually feuding groups of fans debating about who the greatest, darkest, most mysterious active magician is. I don't know how they can even tell them apart. It's like looking at three subtly different models of douchebag. The styling is a little different, but they're all basically dudes equipped with pencil dicks and trying to overcompensate by creating a vague, enigmatic image with which to hoodwink bitches into fucking them and tourists into coughing up some cold, hard cash.
Criss Angel (AKA "Mindfreak," AKA "The Avril Lavigne of Magicians")
The only dark mystery I see regarding this dude is why he seems to actually want to get his pelvis anywhere near Paris Hilton's. Otherwise, he's just another fucktard in a trucker hat with a nipple ring and black nail polish who needs to cut his damn hair. Man, I hate guys with long hair. Androgyny is not hot unless your name is David Bowie, so grow a pair and trim that mop! Oh, and BT-Dubs, Gwar called, and they want their stage decorations back.
David Blaine
Criss Angel basically bit David Blaine's style and added slightly more eye makeup. David Blaine likes to remind everyone that he's a mysterious "street" magician, so he knows both card tricks and HARD CORE STUFF, like wearing a bunch of nails instead of, say, a nice Pashmina scarf. He also does a lot of hard core stuff like Photoshopping the shit out of his eye color.
David Copperfield
David Copperfield was the OG brooding illusionist. He pioneered the look, and stock in black turtleneck factories skyrocketed. He also perfected the art of arcanely smirking while levitating passports, presumably to intrigue his audience. What is going on being that perplexing and secretive facade??? I don't care.
Some women allegedly find these magician types sexy. I have absolutely no idea why. According to the gossip internets, Cameron Diaz has been caught "canoodling" with Criss Angel all over Las Vegas, and in the picture above you can almost see the Neisseria gonorrhoeae transferring from Paris's vadge over to his nether regions. David Blaine allegedly has boned the likes of Fiona Apple (not necessarily something to brag about; see Cameron Diaz, above), Madonna, and Daryl Hannah. David Copperfield was banging Claudia Schiffer back in his (and her) heyday. I don't know why any self-respecting woman would want to have sex with them just looking at their packaging, but I certainly cannot fathom why they want to actually date or have a relationship with them.
I bet these guys never knock off the chicanery. I bet they squire a lady out on the town and spend the whole night doing annoying magical bullshit, like making silverware disappear at dinner and pulling movie tickets out of their ears. You'll be trying to get to know them, ask what kind of popsicles they like or whatever, and they'll start performing card tricks instead of behaving like a normal human being having an adult conversation. Once I was on MTV's show "Boiling Points," where improv actors try to infuriate hapless participants, who win $100 if they keep their tempers under control. I was the hapless participant, and was on a drink date with this dude (who I would not have fucked just based on his appearance), who would not stop singing. He sang the drink orders, he sang my name, he sang about grad school, and he did his job by thoroughly pissing me off. I didn't win $100 because I finally snapped and told him that if he didn't shut the fuck up, "I'll stick my stiletto heel through your larynx." I predict that the only thing eerie about hanging out with these magicians is the undoubted similarity to what transpired when I was on "Boiling Points" in terms of what would go down. What would not go down is me.
Magicians are losers. Get a real job, you cheating bullshit artists.
Apparently some people enjoy seeing unbelievable sights without questioning how exactly they were generated, as evidenced by the number of people who always line up to see David Blaine's bitch ass. He pulls a lot of his magical stunts (AKA stupid physically impressive shit that most people wouldn't bother to do because it's POINTLESS) in New York, and everytime he's around, you want to know where so you can avoid that part of town. There's always thousands of people just itching to see him suspended over Times Square or swimming around in a giant breast implant in front of Lincoln Center. The only "magic" in this man's arsenal is his seemingly inordinate capacity for voluntarily urethral catheterization. However, there are obviously a lot of people who can't get enough of his accessible yet macabre demeanor. Unfortunately for me and my stress level, magician futures are looking up.
Because of the consumer demand for intolerable bullshit, there's actually feuding groups of fans debating about who the greatest, darkest, most mysterious active magician is. I don't know how they can even tell them apart. It's like looking at three subtly different models of douchebag. The styling is a little different, but they're all basically dudes equipped with pencil dicks and trying to overcompensate by creating a vague, enigmatic image with which to hoodwink bitches into fucking them and tourists into coughing up some cold, hard cash.
Criss Angel (AKA "Mindfreak," AKA "The Avril Lavigne of Magicians")
The only dark mystery I see regarding this dude is why he seems to actually want to get his pelvis anywhere near Paris Hilton's. Otherwise, he's just another fucktard in a trucker hat with a nipple ring and black nail polish who needs to cut his damn hair. Man, I hate guys with long hair. Androgyny is not hot unless your name is David Bowie, so grow a pair and trim that mop! Oh, and BT-Dubs, Gwar called, and they want their stage decorations back.
David Blaine
Criss Angel basically bit David Blaine's style and added slightly more eye makeup. David Blaine likes to remind everyone that he's a mysterious "street" magician, so he knows both card tricks and HARD CORE STUFF, like wearing a bunch of nails instead of, say, a nice Pashmina scarf. He also does a lot of hard core stuff like Photoshopping the shit out of his eye color.
David Copperfield
David Copperfield was the OG brooding illusionist. He pioneered the look, and stock in black turtleneck factories skyrocketed. He also perfected the art of arcanely smirking while levitating passports, presumably to intrigue his audience. What is going on being that perplexing and secretive facade??? I don't care.
Some women allegedly find these magician types sexy. I have absolutely no idea why. According to the gossip internets, Cameron Diaz has been caught "canoodling" with Criss Angel all over Las Vegas, and in the picture above you can almost see the Neisseria gonorrhoeae transferring from Paris's vadge over to his nether regions. David Blaine allegedly has boned the likes of Fiona Apple (not necessarily something to brag about; see Cameron Diaz, above), Madonna, and Daryl Hannah. David Copperfield was banging Claudia Schiffer back in his (and her) heyday. I don't know why any self-respecting woman would want to have sex with them just looking at their packaging, but I certainly cannot fathom why they want to actually date or have a relationship with them.
I bet these guys never knock off the chicanery. I bet they squire a lady out on the town and spend the whole night doing annoying magical bullshit, like making silverware disappear at dinner and pulling movie tickets out of their ears. You'll be trying to get to know them, ask what kind of popsicles they like or whatever, and they'll start performing card tricks instead of behaving like a normal human being having an adult conversation. Once I was on MTV's show "Boiling Points," where improv actors try to infuriate hapless participants, who win $100 if they keep their tempers under control. I was the hapless participant, and was on a drink date with this dude (who I would not have fucked just based on his appearance), who would not stop singing. He sang the drink orders, he sang my name, he sang about grad school, and he did his job by thoroughly pissing me off. I didn't win $100 because I finally snapped and told him that if he didn't shut the fuck up, "I'll stick my stiletto heel through your larynx." I predict that the only thing eerie about hanging out with these magicians is the undoubted similarity to what transpired when I was on "Boiling Points" in terms of what would go down. What would not go down is me.
Magicians are losers. Get a real job, you cheating bullshit artists.
Labels: assholes, Criss Angel, intentional buffoonery, magick is bullshit, overcompensation, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments
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you know what's really sad? it's possible that all three of those "magicians" are jewish. even if they aren't trying to cover their roots it's obvious theirs are stage names. i guess "david copperfield" is a little more magician-esque than "david coppinowitz" or whatever. excuse me while i do some research...
# posted by 
: 5/22/2007 2:54 PM
: 5/22/2007 2:54 PM
I KNEW IT!
• David Blaine (born David Blaine White on April 4, 1973 in Brooklyn, New York, USA) is an American illusionist and stunt performer. He made his name as a performer of street and close-up magic. His father was Spanish-Puerto Rican and his mother, Patrice White, was of Jewish and Russian origin.
• David Copperfield (born David Seth Kotkin on September 16, 1956), was born in Metuchen, New Jersey, to Jewish-Ukrainian immigrants.
Turns out "Criss Angel" (born Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos, December 19, 1967[1] in East Meadow, New York) is Greek, but two out of three is pretty fucking bad.
• David Blaine (born David Blaine White on April 4, 1973 in Brooklyn, New York, USA) is an American illusionist and stunt performer. He made his name as a performer of street and close-up magic. His father was Spanish-Puerto Rican and his mother, Patrice White, was of Jewish and Russian origin.
• David Copperfield (born David Seth Kotkin on September 16, 1956), was born in Metuchen, New Jersey, to Jewish-Ukrainian immigrants.
Turns out "Criss Angel" (born Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos, December 19, 1967[1] in East Meadow, New York) is Greek, but two out of three is pretty fucking bad.
# posted by : 5/22/2007 2:59 PM
: 5/22/2007 2:59 PM
Note how they are all also from either Jersey, Long Island, or Brooklyn. Go figure that they originated in my three most hated sections of the greater NYC metro area. I hate them even more now.
No offense to JerseyGirl, all the lezzies I know in Brooklyn, or Martindale who reps Strong Island proud. But you all know how I feel about these places anyway. I'm a Manhattan snob, and I'm not ashamed.
And LL Cool Jew, as usual, your jewdar displays precision on par with that on an atomic clock. Well done, as always.
You fucking slut. First of all, David Copperfield makes 87 million dollars a year. I'm sure anybody making that kind of money can find somebody to sleep with, even a German supermodel, such as the one he was married to for a while. Second, magicians aren't losers. You are making a ton of bitchy assumptions, you antisemitic cunt. For example, most magicians CAN carry on normal conversation, and only the ones without manner do card tricks/other tricks throughout dinner. You honestly can't expect a magician to want to bring his work into his personal life, just like you can't expect a blacksmith to bend silverware at the dinner table. And also, you honestly can't judge magic on the camera-trick based stylings of Criss Angel or David Blaine, two lucky amateurs at the right place at the right time. If you want to see some damn amazing magic, then search YouTube for Derrin Brown... you might even find a cool video or two under Jeff McBride or Lance Burton. And magic IS a real job, one of the coolest jobs there is. You get to work maybe three or four times a week, you make a minimum of 100 an hour, and your job is to ENTERTAIN. Just like actors, singers, or dancers, magicians DO have a real job, which is to entertain and amaze. Also, has it ever occured to you that magicians DO have personalities, some of them pretty damn interesting? They are not the losers; you are. You sit around blogging all day on your twenty-thousand dollar computer that your parents gave you last time you threw a hissy little tantrum about how you hate life and its livers, and all the time the world is moving on without you, you insecure whore.
# posted by : 7/26/2007 3:04 PM
: 7/26/2007 3:04 PM
Chris Angel doesn't need to cut his fucking hair bitch! He's pretty damn hot. And you're just...eww. I don't see how you think you can criticize everyone else.
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# posted by : 7/08/2008 5:08 AM
: 7/08/2008 5:08 AM Links to this post:
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