Sunday, May 20, 2007
A man who will eat it
Ladies everywhere cheered back in 1996 when my sometimes idol Kimberly "Lil' Kim" Jones said with the sagacity befitting the fountain of wisdom that she is, "If you ain't lickin' this, you ain't stickin' this." She went on to say, "And I got witnesses. Ax any nigga I been with...they ain't hit shit til they stuck they tongue in this." I think that one thing the world truly needed was a song exhorting men to consider performing oral on their lady customary, and Lil' Kim delivered by announcing triumphantly, "I don't want dick tonight...eat my pussy right."
In terms of finding a partner who meets this rigid criteria, Lil' Kim need look no further than today's copy of the Post for a man who has no qualms about going downtown on his "lady loves":
Well, hello there, handsome! Has anyone ever told you that you look like the product of a forbidden and ironic late-night tryst between Albert Einstein and Adolf Hitler? I can see why there have been five previous Mrs. Arthur Shawcrosses...that coquettish, seductive pose you're striking from your cell upstate has me logging into meet-an-inmate.com to find your profile as we speak. I cannot fathom how any woman would say no to a roguishly handsome serial murderer like yourself, and not immediately try to fulfill your "smorgasboard of requirements." I'm within the specified 24-100 age range, and I'm smart and employed, if you consider slaving away in the lab seven days a week for no money "employed." Unfortunately I don' have a car, because nobody who lives in NYC has a car, but I could rent one! And I'm blonde and have an Ivy League pedigree, so that should make up for my dubious job status and lack of vehicle. And I'm VERY touchy-feely...not only do I kiss and hug, but twelve years in Catholic school taught me how to give one hell of a bitchin blowjob. I'll even do anal if you get me drunk enough in the right mood. Oh wait...I guess I DON'T want Mr. Right to be a geriatric sociopath with a life sentence. Too bad, because Arthur Shawcross sure is a looker.
I would be stunned that this man actually convinced five women to marry his prostitute-strangling cannibal ass if I didn't believe that there are some women that would feel the way stated in the previous paragraph. Most likely there are a bunch of certifiably crazy women just dying to have a conjugal visit--complete with a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti, no doubt--in a trailer at Sullivan Correctional Facility with this psycho killer. That's probably why this loser can be so particular about not wanting any dumbasses or deadbeats, and generally act like a picky, discerning epicure of marriageable women.
On the other hand, I think Lil' Kim should accept his collect calls from the prison, because she is totally up to his high and exacting standards. She lives in the greater NYC area less than 150 miles from Fallsburg, she has discussed her proud ownership of several types of luxury whip (E-class Benz, Mercedes SLR McLaren, a fleet of gaudily-hued Lamborghinis, a Bentley in which she lays gently, Ferraris, etc.), she is within his demographic age range, and without question she'd be down to get it on in a trailer. Besides, as an ex-con herself, they could bond over their respective incarcerations and swap prison survival tips. She also is smart (as evidenced by her nearly Confucian level of wisdom concerning sexual politics), employed ("Search for the Next Pussyclot Doll" was renewed for another season, so Lil' Kim, Tranny Antin, and that guy from Sugar Ray will stay off the public dole and not have to retain Morrissey'sHair's bankruptcy structuring services for at least another year), and has been rocking a supremely busted carrot-colored weave as of late, so she even meets his phenotypic requirements. A legendary romance is imminent.
In terms of finding a partner who meets this rigid criteria, Lil' Kim need look no further than today's copy of the Post for a man who has no qualms about going downtown on his "lady loves":
I would be stunned that this man actually convinced five women to marry his prostitute-strangling cannibal ass if I didn't believe that there are some women that would feel the way stated in the previous paragraph. Most likely there are a bunch of certifiably crazy women just dying to have a conjugal visit--complete with a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti, no doubt--in a trailer at Sullivan Correctional Facility with this psycho killer. That's probably why this loser can be so particular about not wanting any dumbasses or deadbeats, and generally act like a picky, discerning epicure of marriageable women.
On the other hand, I think Lil' Kim should accept his collect calls from the prison, because she is totally up to his high and exacting standards. She lives in the greater NYC area less than 150 miles from Fallsburg, she has discussed her proud ownership of several types of luxury whip (E-class Benz, Mercedes SLR McLaren, a fleet of gaudily-hued Lamborghinis, a Bentley in which she lays gently, Ferraris, etc.), she is within his demographic age range, and without question she'd be down to get it on in a trailer. Besides, as an ex-con herself, they could bond over their respective incarcerations and swap prison survival tips. She also is smart (as evidenced by her nearly Confucian level of wisdom concerning sexual politics), employed ("Search for the Next Pussyclot Doll" was renewed for another season, so Lil' Kim, Tranny Antin, and that guy from Sugar Ray will stay off the public dole and not have to retain Morrissey'sHair's bankruptcy structuring services for at least another year), and has been rocking a supremely busted carrot-colored weave as of late, so she even meets his phenotypic requirements. A legendary romance is imminent.
Labels: assholes, crazies, crime and punishment, gross, large exclamatory font, Lil' Kim, Morrissey'sHair, oh the horror, overcompensation, ridiculous absurdity
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
