Friday, May 18, 2007
The Southern chapter of Razzyphiles makes good
Yesterday, I received several exciting dispatches from the Dirrty Dirrty, and it seems some serious congratulations are in order. BigBagel once again pulls far ahead of everybody in my pack of friends in terms of having the most awesome curriculum vitae in the universe, as now in addition to his Pulitzer and his stunning wife (LL Cool Jew), he has been awarded a prestigious fellowship from the Kaiser Family Foundation. This means he gets a huge salary increase compared to what he was making doing the Jimmy Olsen thing in the post-Katrina apocalypse that is southern Mississippi, as well as a computer which will be more suitable for playing the "one game to rule them all" (LOTR online, of course). This is all to facilitate his going for Pulitzer numero dos by writing articles about his specialty, post-traumatic stress disorder and general craziness among Hurricane Katrina survivors. Even more exciting, he and LL Cool Jew are relocating the Cool Jew-Bagel household to the 'Nolia.
Well, I doubt they'll move into the Magnolia Projects next door to Terius "Juvenile" Grey's cousins who have not stacked sufficient paper to ball outrageous elsewhere, but they are relocating to New Orleans. At least when I go visit, we'll have a considerably doper selection of strip clubs to choose from than in the greater Gulfport, MS area, and we'll be able to eat crawfish and drink hurricanes and shit like that. Furthermore, the chances of running into Angelina Jolie and hitting her in the face for being a pompous fucktard are markedly increased there, as are the chances of being able to stalk (hot as hell) Saints running back Reggie (Get in My) Bush. Also, consider me absolutely fucking tickled that they're living in a city famous for bitches flashing their tits, so I should fit right in. BigBagel better get some of his kinte cloth blankets and the spare futon ready for my imminent trip down there.
Also, LL Cool Jew informed me last night that their fellow Columbia J-school alum, Killer, is in the middle of a bidding war between three different publishing houses who want to buy the rights to his graphic novel retelling of Darwin's Origin of the Species for the 150th anniversary of its original publication. I love it when one of my friends/Razzyphiles gets a book deal, especially one who has earned my respect by being a seasoned whiskey drinker like Killer. And BTW, Killer, if you need a consultant who combines expert knowledge of both evolutionary biology and 19th century British naval expeditions to the far side of the world a la the HMS Beagle, holler at your girl! I can't draw a cormorant to save my life, but I can tell you all sorts of anecdotal tales about Darwin's life as a seafaring naturalist. For starters, he was not accustomed to winding down after a hard day battling the Napoleonic fleet, amputating childrens' arms without anasthesia save a belt of laudanum, and a hearty meal of weevil-infested hardtack by playing Mozart string duets with the captain like in Master and Commander.
Now, given BigBagel and Killer's impressive personal achievements, you might expect them to look something like this:
Those are some random Manhattan Project scientists showing their mastery of the fission reaction. They are some smart, very stoic guys, conducting their work in atomic physics with such sobriety as starting the nuclear arms race warrants. People presume that anyone conducting substantial work recognized by such august institutions as the Kaiser Foundation and major publishers of commemorative works would be as dapper, serious, and obviously brainy as the gentlemen above. Not in BigBagel and Killer's case.
Here's BigBagel, passed out on the altar of the synagogue at his own wedding rehearsal, from the lethal combination of tequila, Jaegermeister, and Jameson's that his "friends" forced down his throat at his bachelor party:
And here's Killer, anally fingering the Dirrty XXXtina blow-up doll (which really looks a LOT like Christina Aguilera) that I gave LL Cool Jew as a bachelorette party gift:
Giants among men, that's what I say. Veritable pillars of society.
The real winner in all of this may be LL Cool Jew, however, as she no longer has to slog her Michael Kors cork wedges through shin-deep hog wallows in Jefferson Davis County, MS to get quotes from gigantic hillbilly politicians or play hardball with Senator Trent Lott at press conferences. Unfortunately, that means that priceless pictures like these will no longer find their way to my inbox:
That's a pity, but I'm sure LL Cool Jew will be considerably happier in an actual city working a 9-to-5 as a PR flunky for nonprofit organizations filled with leftist revolutionaries, which is currently her most promising job opportunity. She's the daughter of a Black Panther kung fu master (seriously) from San Francisco, so that's like going home for her. It's a major step up from covering chemical spills and Jesus pageants in southern Miss.
In any event, a big fat SKOAL to my bitches in the Dirrty! Or as Lo-Key and Ayatollah once stated in their masterpiece of sound "FEMA Check," "keep your head up to all my peeps on the beach in the Ninth Ward!"
Well, I doubt they'll move into the Magnolia Projects next door to Terius "Juvenile" Grey's cousins who have not stacked sufficient paper to ball outrageous elsewhere, but they are relocating to New Orleans. At least when I go visit, we'll have a considerably doper selection of strip clubs to choose from than in the greater Gulfport, MS area, and we'll be able to eat crawfish and drink hurricanes and shit like that. Furthermore, the chances of running into Angelina Jolie and hitting her in the face for being a pompous fucktard are markedly increased there, as are the chances of being able to stalk (hot as hell) Saints running back Reggie (Get in My) Bush. Also, consider me absolutely fucking tickled that they're living in a city famous for bitches flashing their tits, so I should fit right in. BigBagel better get some of his kinte cloth blankets and the spare futon ready for my imminent trip down there.
Also, LL Cool Jew informed me last night that their fellow Columbia J-school alum, Killer, is in the middle of a bidding war between three different publishing houses who want to buy the rights to his graphic novel retelling of Darwin's Origin of the Species for the 150th anniversary of its original publication. I love it when one of my friends/Razzyphiles gets a book deal, especially one who has earned my respect by being a seasoned whiskey drinker like Killer. And BTW, Killer, if you need a consultant who combines expert knowledge of both evolutionary biology and 19th century British naval expeditions to the far side of the world a la the HMS Beagle, holler at your girl! I can't draw a cormorant to save my life, but I can tell you all sorts of anecdotal tales about Darwin's life as a seafaring naturalist. For starters, he was not accustomed to winding down after a hard day battling the Napoleonic fleet, amputating childrens' arms without anasthesia save a belt of laudanum, and a hearty meal of weevil-infested hardtack by playing Mozart string duets with the captain like in Master and Commander.
Now, given BigBagel and Killer's impressive personal achievements, you might expect them to look something like this:
Here's BigBagel, passed out on the altar of the synagogue at his own wedding rehearsal, from the lethal combination of tequila, Jaegermeister, and Jameson's that his "friends" forced down his throat at his bachelor party:
And here's Killer, anally fingering the Dirrty XXXtina blow-up doll (which really looks a LOT like Christina Aguilera) that I gave LL Cool Jew as a bachelorette party gift:
The real winner in all of this may be LL Cool Jew, however, as she no longer has to slog her Michael Kors cork wedges through shin-deep hog wallows in Jefferson Davis County, MS to get quotes from gigantic hillbilly politicians or play hardball with Senator Trent Lott at press conferences. Unfortunately, that means that priceless pictures like these will no longer find their way to my inbox:
"So tell me, Mr. Pitts, how have Jefferson Davis County's new zoning laws affected swine farmers from a 'good old-fashioned country boy logic' standpoint?"
"Senator Lott, would you kindly elaborate on your efforts to ensure that the JEWISH VOTES get counted?"
In any event, a big fat SKOAL to my bitches in the Dirrty! Or as Lo-Key and Ayatollah once stated in their masterpiece of sound "FEMA Check," "keep your head up to all my peeps on the beach in the Ninth Ward!"
Labels: BigBagel, Dirrty Dirrty, I LOVE IT, Juvenile, Killer, LL Cool Jew, Reggie (Get In My) Bush
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